The Doctor's Lost-and-Found Bride (13 page)

‘We
are
family.’

‘That’s not quite what I meant.’ He paused. ‘It hurt like hell to think of you with a child.’

A child that wasn’t his. It would’ve been the same for her. She couldn’t have faced seeing him with someone else, either. ‘It hurt,’ she said, ‘the first time I held Phoebe.’

‘Because you were thinking of our baby?’

She nodded. ‘I wish I’d known whether we were going to have a girl or a boy.’

‘You were thirteen weeks. It was too early to tell.’

‘But it made it so much harder, Max. It meant I couldn’t give our baby a name and grieve properly. All I have are dates.’

‘Valentine’s Day,’ Max said. ‘And the twenty-first of August.’

The day she’d lost the baby, and their due date.

She really hadn’t expected him to remember that.

Her surprise must have shown on his face, because he said softly, ‘I hate those days too. And the only way I get through them is to go to church and light a candle for our baby. When I was in the middle of a disaster zone, and there
wasn’t a church or a candle anywhere for miles, I looked up at the stars and I thought about our baby.’

‘I had no idea.’

He shrugged. ‘You never asked.’

‘Because you weren’t there to ask.’ She closed her eyes. ‘Oh, hell. This wasn’t meant to be a fight. I’m not blaming you for our marriage breaking up, Max. It was just as much my fault as yours.’ She dragged in a breath. ‘Why didn’t you follow me to London?’

‘I didn’t realise you wanted me to come after you. I thought you wanted some space—and preferably away from me.’

She shook her head. ‘I wanted
you
, Max. I wanted to know that you cared.’

He looked shocked. ‘Of
course
I cared, Marina. I married you, didn’t I?’

‘Because of the baby?’

‘No. I admit, I probably wouldn’t have asked you to marry me that soon had you not been pregnant, but I knew from the first moment I met you that you were the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.’

Tears stung her eyelids. ‘It was the same for me. But I thought you’d changed your mind about me. That when I lost the baby you realised you’d made a mistake, and that’s why you didn’t come after me. Because you were secretly relieved.’

He shook his head vehemently. ‘I wasn’t relieved at all. It broke something inside me, something that still isn’t fixed.’

So he’d really meant it when he’d told her at Greenwich that he wasn’t over it either.

‘That’s why you divorced me—because you thought I didn’t want you?’ he asked.

‘I thought you wanted your freedom.’

He took her hand. ‘No. I wanted
you
. But you walked out on me, and I thought you’d stopped loving me because I’d let you down. You stopped talking to me, Marina.’

‘Because you shut me out, Max, and I couldn’t get through to you. I didn’t know how.’

‘You were devastated about losing the baby, and there wasn’t anything I could say or do to make things better. I couldn’t cope with that.’ He sighed. ‘And I hadn’t grown up enough to realise that if I’d admitted that, and told you I was as lost as you were but I loved you, then maybe we could’ve helped each other through it.’ The lines on his face seemed deeper, etched in pain.

‘You volunteered for extra shifts at work. It felt as if you’d do anything rather than face me.’

‘At work, I felt I was making a difference to somebody’s life. Getting
something
right. At home, I felt helpless.’ He grimaced. ‘Useless. I hated that, Marina. I hated not being able to help you when you needed me, and it was a kind of vicious circle. The more you backed off, the more I backed off, and the worse it got.’

‘If you’d told me that was how you felt, I would’ve stayed. We could’ve got through it together.’

He laced his fingers through hers. ‘Just for the record, you were the love of my life.’

Past tense, she noticed. Did he still feel the same about her? Or was he, too, scared of being burned again—scared to believe that this time they could make it?

‘And I wanted our baby as much as you did—it didn’t matter that it was an unplanned pregnancy.’ He blew out a breath. ‘You’re right. If we’d talked, really talked, we could’ve worked it out.’

‘We can’t change the past,’ she said, looking away.

‘No.’ He didn’t say anything more, but he tightened his fingers round hers. Almost as if he were trying to tell her that they could change the future.

Could they?

Max came with her to the hospital to meet Rosie and Neil and hand over Phoebe. Marina wasn’t sure whether she was more relieved or disappointed when he turned down her offer of dinner.

‘We could maybe go to the park tomorrow with Phoebe while Neil and Rosie are visiting Nathan,’ he suggested. ‘There’s a playground in the park opposite the hospital. Meet you at the park at ten?’

‘If it’s not raining.’

‘If it is raining, we’ll think of something else,’ Max said.

But it turned out to be another perfect spring day. Max got Phoebe to count the boats on the boating lake and tell him which one was her favourite, and then they hit the play area. He checked that she was strapped safely into the swing before pushing her high enough to make her shriek with delight, and then, when she’d had enough, he grinned at her. ‘Want to go on the slide?’

It was enormous. Marina eyed it nervously. ‘Max, are you sure it’s safe?’

‘Of course it’s safe. Look.’

There were other men taking toddlers onto the slide, walking up the snake-like ramp with them and then sitting the toddlers on their lap and launching themselves off.

‘It’s safe,’ Max repeated softly. ‘I won’t let anything happen to her. Come on, Princess.’

He already had a pet name for her.

And Phoebe clearly adored him. She toddled happily alongside him and Marina watched, her heart in her mouth, as Max launched them off the slide.

‘Again, again!’ Phoebe said, tugging at Max’s hand. ‘Pease.’

‘You heard the lady,’ Max said with a grin, and did as the little girl had asked.

This was another side of him Marina hadn’t seen. And, once her fear of Phoebe being hurt receded, she found herself enjoying watching them.

This was just how Max could have been with their children. And it put a lump in her throat; how much they’d both missed.

But she didn’t want him to see her brooding. She forced a smile to her face and met him at the bottom of the slide. ‘You’re just a kid at heart, aren’t you?’ she teased.

He laughed. ‘Yes. This is where I miss having brothers and sisters—I don’t have a niece or nephew to borrow and do things like this. It’s fun, isn’t it, Princess?’

‘Fun,’ Phoebe said, with a smile a mile wide.

If Max had stayed with her, Marina thought, he would’ve known Phoebe from a babe in arms. They’d probably have a child of their own, too, a cousin for Phoebe to play with.

As if Max realised the direction her thoughts were taking, the next time he reached the bottom of the slide he lifted Phoebe to chest height. ‘I think Aunty Marina needs a kiss to make her smile, don’t you?’

Phoebe clapped her hands, leaned forward and kissed Marina. Then she looked at Max. ‘Max kiss Rina.’

‘Your wish, Princess, is my command,’ Max said with a grin, then yanked Marina to him and kissed her.

After that, he kissed her every time they slid down the slide.

He kissed her at every curve of the path through the park.

And he slid one arm round her shoulders as they walked along, with Marina steering the pushchair and him holding Phoebe’s hand.

It was a declaration, of sorts. And Marina wasn’t sure whether she was more thrilled or scared.
Please just don’t let it go wrong this time.

O
N
M
ONDAY
,
Marina was back at work. The triage nurse came in with her first case. ‘Brianna’s twenty; she’s got a headache, feels sick, tired and dizzy, and her tummy hurts. I’d say she had the flu, but she doesn’t have a temperature, and she says it’s been going on for a while but she feels worse today.’

‘I’ll come and see her,’ Marina said. She introduced herself to the patient in cubicles. ‘Sorry to ask you this—and I’m not judging, I’m trying to narrow down the causes of why you’re feeling ill so I can help you—have you been drinking or taking anything?’

Brianna grimaced. ‘I don’t feel well enough to drink, and I’m not stupid enough to do drugs.’

‘Could you have eaten anything that might have disagreed with you?’

‘I wondered if it was food poisoning but I haven’t eaten anything dodgy.’

‘You’re a student, aren’t you?’ At the girl’s nod, she asked, ‘Has anyone else in your house had the same symptoms?’

‘My flatmate’s away on a field trip, but she’s been getting headaches too. I’m sorry, I’m wasting your time. I’ve been to the doctor at the university health-centre twice,
and they say it’s probably post-viral syndrome, and that I’ve been studying too hard or something because I’ve got finals this year. They say third-years always overdo it and they have loads in with the same symptoms at this time of year.’

Studying too hard might make someone feel tired and give them a headache, but stomach pains suggested something else. ‘How long have you been feeling like this?’

‘Since before Christmas. I felt so rough this morning, my mum nagged me to go and see someone else.’

‘Did the doctor say the same thing to your flatmate?’

‘Yes.’ Brianna smiled weakly. ‘I’m really sorry. I’m beginning to feel a bit better now; my headache isn’t as bad as it was.’

‘Do you find this normally—your headache’s bad first thing in the morning, and then better when you’ve been outside for a bit?’

‘Yes.’

Marina had a feeling she knew what the problem was. ‘Do you have any pets?’

‘No, and I’m allergic to animals anyway.’

‘I want to check something with a colleague first, but I’d like to give you a breath test and a blood test.’

‘For drugs?’ The girl looked shocked. ‘But I just told you, I don’t do drugs.’

‘Not for drugs,’ Marina said gently, ‘for carbon monoxide. What you’ve described are classic symptoms, but I need to test your breath now and measure it again in a couple of hours to see if the measurement changes, and if I’m right I’ll need to give you oxygen therapy. Do you have gas heating in your flat?’

‘Yes, but the landlord’s got a safety certificate. Everything’s legit.’

‘Do you have carbon-monoxide testers installed?’

‘No, but we’ve got smoke alarms.’

‘I have a hunch on this, and if I’m right I’ll be talking to the council so they send someone out to do a carbon-monoxide test on your flat.’

‘So I don’t have post-viral syndrome?’

‘No, and I’m glad you listened to your mum instead of dismissing it as nagging. I’ll be back in a minute, OK?’ She emerged from the cubicle and went to find Max. ‘Can I run something by you?’

‘Sure.’

‘I’ve got a patient presenting with flu-like symptoms but no temperature, and she’s been to the health centre a couple of times and they say it’s a mix of overwork and post-viral syndrome.’

‘But you don’t think so?’

‘I researched an article last year on carbon-monoxide poisoning, and I think she’s a classic case, especially as she feels better outside and her flatmate has the same kind of symptoms. What are the chances of them both having post-viral syndrome?’

‘Carbon-monoxide poisoning isn’t exactly something you come across in a disaster zone,’ Max said thoughtfully. ‘But I do remember a couple of cases at Bristol. Can you see the natural colour of her lips?’

‘Yes, and she looks normal. I know it’s when they’re critically ill that the lips go cherry-red.’

‘Check out the carbon-monoxide levels in her breath and a pulse oxymeter,’ Max said. ‘But you also need to check how long she’s been away from her flat, because carbon monoxide has a half-life of about four hours in clean air. And if she’s having arrhythmias or neurological
symptoms it’s better to opt for hyperbaric treatment rather than an oxygen mask.’

The test showed Marina that Brianna had higher levels of carbon monoxide in her breath than she should have, even though she’d been out of the flat for two hours.

‘Carbon monoxide can have other effects,’ Marina said. ‘So I want to check how your heart’s beating. I’m going to wire you up to a monitor, but it won’t hurt. Have you had any fits or blackouts, or felt a bit disoriented?’

‘No.’

‘That’s good.’ As she set up the ECG, she explained what she was doing and why. ‘Your red blood cells contain something called haemoglobin—it’s what gives your blood its red colour. As it goes through your lungs, it takes up oxygen to carry it round your body, and you breathe out carbon dioxide. But, if you’re exposed to carbon monoxide, the carbon monoxide bonds to the haemoglobin and stops it taking up the oxygen, so your body doesn’t get enough. That’s why you’re not feeling very well. It also tends to make your blood vessels a bit leaky, and that’s giving you a headache. So how we fix it is by giving you oxygen—basically it’ll turn the carbon monoxide into carbon dioxide and you’ll breathe it out.’

She checked the ECG monitor. ‘The good news is that your heart’s beating absolutely normally, so I can give you oxygen right here through a mask. The important thing is that you don’t go back to your room until it’s been checked over properly and the source of poisoning’s been removed. Is there anywhere you can stay tonight, a friend’s place where they haven’t been suffering the same kind of thing you’ve been?’

Brianna nodded.

‘Good. And I’m going to call the environmental health people myself, to make sure they do a test on your flat. I’ll also be sending the results of your test to the health centre, and I’m going to suggest to the head of the centre that the team gets some training on carbon-monoxide poisoning.’

Over the next few days, Nathan became stronger; he was gradually spending more time without supplementary oxygen, taking larger quantities of milk and putting on weight. Max came with Marina in the evenings to visit him, and made a huge fuss of Phoebe. And, ever since Marina’s hesitant suggestion, Max had started staying over, picking up a change of clothes from his flat before going over to hers, and keeping his razor and toothbrush in her bathroom.

It was almost like the early days of their relationship, when they’d first moved in together. And even though Marina was still worried about Nathan she also felt strangely at peace. As if everything was finally starting to become all right in her world.

‘You look happy,’ Rosie commented on the Friday.

‘It’s been a good day—I had a visitor today.’ She smiled. ‘And we have a big box of chocolates in the staff room.’

‘Who’s been buying you chocolates?’ Rosie asked.

‘One of my patients.’ She looked at Max. ‘Remember the girl I thought had carbon-monoxide poisoning?’

He nodded.

‘The environmental health people sent someone round with a carbon-monoxide tester and it turned black overnight. It turns out the gas cooker wasn’t installed properly and there was carbon-monoxide pollution in the kitchen—and her bedroom, which was next door to the kitchen.’

‘So, if it wasn’t for you asking the right questions, she might have been seriously ill. Died, even,’ Max said.

‘Yes. It’s good when things turn out right and there’s a happy ending,’ Marina said.

Rosie gave them both a thoughtful look. ‘Indeed.’

The following Wednesday, Max was sitting with Phoebe on his lap, reading her a story while Rosie fed the baby and chatted to Marina, when Louise arrived.

Max stilled. ‘Sorry. I’m intruding. I’ll be out of your way.’

‘You’re not intruding at all. Finish Phoebe’s story,’ Louise said with a smile. ‘It’ll be more than my life’s worth to take her home with an unfinished book.’

He finished the story, but Marina could see the wariness on his face.

At the end, he transferred the little girl to Marina’s lap. ‘I’ll see you later,’ he said.

‘Max.’ Louise put her arms round him and hugged him. ‘It’s good to see you.’

He looked utterly taken aback; had he really thought that her mother would push him away?

‘Thank you for all the support you’ve been giving my girls. Rosie told me. And Phoebe’s been telling us about the fish and the slide.’

‘She’s a sweetheart,’ Max said.

‘And she adores you all the way back.’ Louise paused. ‘Please don’t feel I’m pushing you out, Max. Stay as long as you like.’

‘I ought to be going, anyway. Paperwork,’ Max said.

Louise raised an eyebrow. ‘You sound just like Marina.’

‘Funny you should say that. Actually, I need to leave, too, as I have some studying to do,’ Marina said.

‘Oh,
you
!’ Louise rolled her eyes. ‘Don’t be a stranger, Max,’ she said gently, laying a hand on his arm. ‘See you soon.’

When Marina had settled Phoebe with Louise and said her goodbyes, Max walked out of the unit with her.

‘Are you really studying tonight?’ he asked.

‘Yes, but that doesn’t mean you have to go back to yours. I can work in the kitchen, if you want to watch a film or listen to some music in the living room. And I’ll make supper for us.’

‘Thanks. That’d be good.’

He didn’t say much until they were back at her flat. And then he sighed. ‘Your mother knows about us, doesn’t she?’

‘Guessed,’ Marina corrected.

‘I didn’t expect her to greet me like that. I didn’t think she’d forgive me for what went wrong between us.’

‘It takes two to break a marriage,’ Marina said drily.

‘And it takes two to make one.’ His eyes were intense. ‘Marina, we’re good together. These last couple of weeks…’

They’d been full of worry. But they’d also been full of joy, and a burgeoning understanding between them. After that first chaste night, when she’d simply slept in his arms for comfort, they’d given in to the overwhelming attraction between them. Right now they were so in tune, both at work and at home.

‘Let’s give it another go.’

The words that part of her wanted so very much to hear: Max wanted them to try again. To get back together properly.

Yet fear held her back, like icy water slowly seeping through her, and she didn’t know how to stop it. How to make the chill go away.

‘Marina?’

She couldn’t bluff this. Couldn’t fudge the issue. If they were ever to have a chance, she had to be honest with him and admit her doubts. ‘I’m not sure,’ she hedged.

He frowned. ‘Why not?’

‘It didn’t work last time. If it goes wrong this time, I’m not sure I’d be able to pick up the pieces.’

‘Back then, we were both completely unprepared to deal with what life threw at us. It’s different now. We’ve both grown up. Changed.’ He paused. ‘Marina, I want you back in my life. Permanently. And I want to make a family with you. The time we’ve spent with Phoebe has shown me how it could be for us.’

‘So you’re saying you want children?’

He nodded. ‘With you.’

‘What if—’ she dragged in a breath, remembering how desolate she’d felt when she’d lost their baby, how empty and lonely ‘—what if we can’t?’

He took her hand. ‘Marina, lots of women have a miscarriage, sometimes even more than one, and then go on to have a baby. Just because we lost one baby, it doesn’t automatically mean we’ll lose another.’

She knew that—intellectually. But emotionally was another matter. Inside she was panicking, her stomach churning, still wondering:
what if?

‘And, if it does turn out we can’t have children of our own, there are other ways to make a family. IVF, fostering, adoption—there are lots of options. It isn’t just biology that makes a child ours.’ His fingers tightened round hers. ‘Let’s cross that bridge when we come to it. But be very clear on this: if we
are
unlucky, if we do end up losing another baby, I won’t shut you out. I won’t use work as an excuse not to talk to you.’

Wouldn’t he? She really wasn’t so sure. ‘You’re going to have to put the hours in if you want to make consultant.’

He shrugged. ‘I know. And senior consultant after that, and maybe even director of emergency medicine—but you and our children will come first.
Always
.’

She wanted to believe him. So badly.

But how could he be so sure it would work out? How could he be sure that panic wouldn’t set in, making him react the same way he had last time?

Her doubts must have shown on her face, because he sighed. ‘Life doesn’t come with guarantees, Marina. Tomorrow, you or I could be knocked over crossing the road. So I can’t promise you eternal happiness, and I’m not going to patronise you by saying that we’re going to have a perfect life. All I can promise is that I’ll try my hardest to make you happy—and I’ll be right by your side in the good times as well as the bad.’

Yes
.

She willed the word to come out of her mouth.

And yet she couldn’t utter a single sound.

‘I guess this is a case where silence
doesn’t
mean consent.’ He looked grim. ‘So that answers my question.’ He took her spare keys from his pocket. ‘I think I’d better give these back to you. And, in the circumstances, supper’s not a good idea.’

She stared at him in shock. He was walking out on her?

‘Goodbye, Marina,’ he said. ‘I don’t think there’s anything left to say.’

The fact that he closed the front door quietly, rather than slamming it, made things worse. He wasn’t stomping out in anger: he was saying goodbye with a cool head.

It was over.

Marina had no idea how she got through the next week. The roster fairy at least was on her side, as she wasn’t working in the same area as Max; when he was in Resus, she was in cubicles, and when he was in cubicles, she was in the children’s section. The one time when she did need help from him—with a lumbar puncture on a toddler with suspected meningitis—he was perfectly professional, but he was utterly cold to her. No eye contact, no smile, and not a single word more to her than was absolutely necessary. And it broke her heart.