The Doctor's Forbidden Fling (10 page)

‘Yes, yes, you are.' That brought all things non-medical to Violet's corrupted mind, forcing her to break eye contact before he saw her lustful thoughts for himself. She knew how good he was at everything he did—she'd had a sample for herself. That taster had only made her crave more.

Nate gave a nervous cough and she got the impression those wayward thoughts hadn't been confined only to her head.

‘It's late but you can go to CCU and say goodnight before you leave if you want.' Apparently he'd decided to go with the relatively safe ground of dealing with her father compared to that minefield of their relationship and the boundaries they'd come close to redrawing.

‘I'm not sure that's such a good idea. I don't want to push my luck and end up in another row with him after that bombshell. I don't want a repeat of what happened at the house.' Their cosy chats didn't have a great track record. For all the good she'd done so far trying to help, she was tempted to simply let his world collapse around him rather than take any more responsibility for his ill health.

‘You saw him for yourself. He's quite mellow at the minute. For him. Although, it might be wise not to mention Strachmore. At all.'

‘Message received loud and clear.' Violet pondered his advice. There'd been enough excitement for one day, but surely five minutes spent bedside saying goodnight couldn't hurt? It might even put her mind at ease to see him settled at the end of such a traumatic twenty-four hours. Then she might stand a chance of a decent night's sleep.

She set off after the porter towards the coronary care unit safe in the knowledge Nate had fallen into step next to her. She was getting too used to having a sidekick with her during her trials and tribulations. When she finally went back to London she was probably going to have to get a dog or something to pour out her troubles to even though it would be a poor substitute for this man, who knew her better than she knew herself at times.

‘I'm just popping in to make sure you're comfortable before I head home.' Violet approached her father's bed with as much caution as ever. There never was any warning of what mood he'd be in from one minute to the next, and he was bound to be tired and cranky after the evening he'd had. This wasn't the time or place to start pointing out his flaws and mistakes again. With any luck he'd begin to realise them for himself some day.

‘I know you would rather I'd died instead of your mother. I do too.'

It was such an out-of-the-blue statement coming from him it stunned Violet into silence. Not so long ago it would've been true, she'd have preferred to have lived without him instead of her mother, but she'd moved past that. Nobody could change the past and it had been her mother's decision to leave them when all was said and done.

The greatest surprise, other than her father considering anyone else's feelings, was that he'd expressed something approaching remorse. She guessed facing his own mortality had finally awoken his conscience from its long slumber.

‘Why would you say that now when we've done everything we could to keep you here tonight?'

He'd never shown any emotion over her mother's death, not even in the immediate aftermath. He'd done what he'd always done: pretended the bad stuff wasn't happening around him and carried on as usual. That had included hiding the truth from her about the overdose, leaving it to others to break that news to her. Hearing him express a wish to swap places with his dead wife at any point was unexpected, out of character, and made him more human. It went some way to softening the hard stance she'd taken against him because of his apparent indifference to her great loss, but he should be celebrating the fact he was still here tonight.

She eyed Nate, hoping he knew where the hell that had come from. Perhaps he'd done some counselling alongside the heart repairs—a full mind and body MOT.

‘Lord Dempsey, are you feeling okay?' Nate's frown didn't tally with insider knowledge of his patient's sudden attack of conscience. Now he'd witnessed that morbid decline for himself he might be able to prescribe something to lift his mood.

‘I know you only came home through a sense of duty, Violet. I've barely heard from you in over a decade, for goodness' sake. I could've died tonight without us ever clearing the air and I think it's time we had this talk before it's really too late. You've made it pretty clear you thought I was responsible for you losing your mother but do you honestly think I ever wanted to be here without her? I blame myself for her death as much as you do but I can't change what happened. Lord knows, I wish I could.' He bypassed Nate's question to continue his train of disturbing thoughts, his eyes red with stubborn unshed tears.

Nate pulled the curtains around the bed, giving them some privacy. It merely added to Violet's sense of emotional suffocation.

It was the first time her father had taken any responsibility for her mother's death, everything Violet had wanted since losing her. Seeing his distress as he did so didn't bring her the peace she'd always imagined. Quite the opposite. It was distressing to discover he'd been hurting all this time on his own too. Perhaps if he'd been this open with her back then she wouldn't have been so desperate to leave and they could've used their combined grief as a base to evolve their relationship instead of leaving it to stagnate.

‘All you had to do was love us.' Her voice became smaller as the tragedy of her loss got bigger.

‘I did. I still do. I never meant to hurt you or your mother but I always wanted to do the best for Strachmore too. Generations of my family kept the castle through war and unrest. I couldn't be the one to let it all slip away. I didn't realise it was your mother I'd truly failed until it was too late.'

‘Why couldn't you have said this at the time to your teenage daughter who thought she'd lost the only parent who cared for her?' Until now she'd only ever seen the dark side of him and had run from it at the first opportunity. This guilt, this expression of actual emotion had come too late for her mother, perhaps even for her. Everything she'd thought she'd known about her father and her parents' marriage had coloured her view on every relationship she'd ever had. It had even cost her one with Nate.

‘I dealt with things the only way I knew how—with a stiff upper lip. I was devastated, but what use would I have been to you if I'd fallen apart too? I might have gone about things the wrong way but I was the one who had to be strong. I've come close to death too many times this week to take anything for granted. I don't want to die with you still hating me. It's difficult enough knowing your mother went feeling that way about me. I'd do anything to change places with her. I've wanted that since she passed but I can't undo the past. Nathaniel has given me a second chance to at least try and make amends with you.'

Silence fell in the small cubicle, heavy with unspoken apology. She wouldn't have expected him to break down and beg for forgiveness but seeing him contrite like this was unnerving in itself. It was a bittersweet moment. This was the conversation he should've had with her mother, explaining his actions and exhibiting signs of humanity—capable of making mistakes and now owning up to them.

The logical part of her brain knew her mother must've had mental-health problems beyond her father's churlish ways to do what she'd done. Violet had chosen to ignore that fact and diverted all the anger she felt as a result of her mother's actions towards her father. It wasn't going to be easy to shift her perception of her father overnight and she needed time to process everything. With his roundabout apology she wasn't certain what he expected from her in return either.

‘I don't hate you and I'll be here for as long as you need me. We'll discuss this again when you're feeling better. Now get some rest.' She was desperately fighting her own tears, her breath catching on the lump of emotion wedged in her throat. She didn't want to cause him any more pain than he was obviously already in.

She leaned over and placed a kiss on his cheek. An act she'd never carried out without being prompted. He wanted her forgiveness, and she would willingly give it if she thought they could move on, but she couldn't help feeling as though she was walking into another trap.

* * *

‘Are you going to be okay?' Nate had snatched his keys from the dining-room floor where they'd fallen from his pocket during the fight to save the Earl and now he was saying his goodbyes on Strachmore's marble steps.

He and Violet had taken a taxi back together, since he had to get his car, but she'd been non-communicative during the journey home. She was entitled to some quiet after another fraught day. He'd inadvertently intruded on her heart-to-heart with her father and been as shocked by the outcome as she was. However, he didn't want her to sit brooding all night, feeling guilty about what had happened, or dwelling on her father's state of mind. None of this was her fault.

‘I never saw that coming,' she said, staring off into the distance. ‘He was grieving in his own way, still is, and I left him alone. I'm supposed to be a mental-health expert and I didn't even consider that a possibility.'

‘You couldn't have known when you were in a different country. I would say he's been very good at keeping his feelings to himself when my parents didn't pick up on it either and they see him every day. Hell, he's my patient, if you want to start pointing fingers at people who should have seen he was having trouble coping with his grief.' Perhaps if Nate hadn't known the background to their estrangement he might've picked up on other reasons for the Earl's mood swings besides his relationship with Violet. Blame wasn't going to solve the problem, only more of the plain talking he'd witnessed tonight.

‘That's the point, I wasn't here. I was feeling sorry for myself in London, learning to treat people with mental issues when my own father was mourning the loss of his wife. Hating him all this time makes me the awful person I thought he was.' Her eyes rested on him again, two oceans of blue crashing with waves of sorrow.

He grabbed her by the shoulders, desperate to still those troubled waters. ‘Stop this. It's obvious he wants you to stay here—that's why he's telling you all of this. He's trying to leave whatever has gone on between you behind so you can now both start to look forward. You've both suffered and I'm sure you've both said things you've regretted but now's the time to let the healing begin. These plans for Strachmore could mean a clean slate and a chance for you two to start building bridges if we can get him on board.'

A strengthening of Violet's relationship with her father would not only bring them some peace of mind, it could also give Nate some space from the happenings at the Dempsey household. He was already in way over his head and if he could hand over the reins so much the better. When all was said and done he wasn't going to be part of Strachmore's legacy any more than he was going to be a permanent fixture in Violet's life. These were all simply temporary arrangements due to circumstance. Not even his first love took priority over his sense of self-preservation. At least, not long-term.

‘And I want that but not at the price I suspect I'll have to pay. What if I'm simply swapping one prison for another? I ran away so he wouldn't be able to force me to marry and keep me tied to this place. After that emotional outpouring I'll be the bad guy again if I leave again. I don't want him under the illusion I'm staying indefinitely. Whether he chooses to go along with this wedding idea or not, I've still got a job and a home in London I have every intention of returning to.'

Her torment was pretty much the same as his own. Somehow they had to find a way to fulfil their promises but still maintain their hold on their lives pre-heart attack. Ones which hadn't included Strachmore or each other.

‘Everything's still raw at the minute. You can clarify the situation tomorrow and discuss what you both expect to come from this.' When everyone had had a good night's sleep and some time to think about exactly what they'd committed to.

‘I don't know how to do that without disappointing him again. I want Strachmore to succeed but I'm not sacrificing everything else for it.'

‘Tell him you're glad he got everything off his chest but your personal circumstances haven't changed as a result. Set very clear boundaries so you remain in control. If you don't have a firm date for going back to work, make one and don't break it.' That would prevent them both from falling any deeper into this quagmire of guilt and responsibility they'd unwittingly stumbled into. With an end date they'd be able to claw their way back out at some point and carry on as though this had never happened.

‘He's always been such a dominant force I don't think I can cope if he starts talking about dying again. I'm afraid I'll let him guilt-trip me into staying permanently. I'm so weak.'

He could feel her shoulders sag under the weight of her burden. Nothing tonight seemed to have eased it for her. He gave her a gentle shake in an attempt to awaken that fighting spirit he'd seen in her earlier.

‘Emotionally and physically exhausted perhaps, but you're certainly not weak. You took over CPR tonight without hesitation when I began to tire, pumping your father's heart as though it was your own life depending on it. Does that sound like a woman who can't handle a crisis to you?'

That raised a faint smile. ‘I did surprise myself.'

‘You didn't surprise me. I've always known how amazing you are.' He let go of his grip on her shoulders to cradle her face in his hands. With only the shine of the moon lighting the darkness, bathing Violet's heart-shaped features in its silvery glow, she'd never looked so beautiful.

With adrenaline and pride still coursing through his veins post-op, he leaned in for a kiss. He'd gained some respect tonight and it was enough to bolster his ego. Although he might never find total acceptance, her soft lips against his would be sufficient reward.