The Desire to Touch (27 page)

“No!” I scream at myself and throw the mug across the room, it smashes against the wall and pieces of the wreckage ricochet in all directions spraying brandy down all the walls. I turn and stare at the mess I’ve just created.

Sliding down the cupboard I slump into a pile like I’ve been winded, all my energy is gone and my head is swimming.

How have I let this happen, I’m so careful and so guarded. It’s only been a few days and I feel so much for Trey, so much more than I thought I would and so much more than I wanted to. I want to hold him right now, every time he touches me that spark makes me feel so alive and safe, oh God how safe I feel when I’m near him - it’s unreal.

‘See
you’ve done it again, it’s all your fault
’ Devil girl scowls. Shit I have, I’ve done it again, I’ve caused all of this! I hang my head in my hands and take a deep breath, I feel the dark cloud starting to fight its way through me trying to engulf the duo and I know I cannot let the evil one win – I have to fight this!

No! I’m not at fault here, I may have allowed him to affect my feelings but I’m not turning back now, I’ve come this far, I’ve started a new life and I’m finding myself again. Well sod this and sod hiding away anymore!

The black cloud starts to recede and the duo have let go of each other in relief, I clamber to my feet and start picking up the pieces off the floor.

Wait, I haven’t heard from Grandad in a while now - I hope he’s ok, I place the broken china in the bin and run to the bedroom. Scooping my phone up off the floor I check the time quickly, 1:25am so 6ish back in England, I scroll through my phone to find his number and press call.

It rings a few times then he answers, “Hello?”

“Hi Grandad it’s me, Ellie.”

“Oh hello sweetheart, how are you?” Bruce pants.

“Yeah I’m good thanks, are you ok though, you sound like you’re struggling to breathe?”

“Oh I’m alright, you know me silly old sod that I am, I’ve just done a bit too much.”

“Have you been taking your tablets correctly?” I’m starting to panic.

“Listen don’t you worry about a miserable old git like me, how’s it going in the big city?”

“Yeah it’s good…,really good.” I barely convince myself.

“What’s wrong? Aren’t you happy?”

“Oh nothing, I must get it from you I think I’m exhausted after the past few days,” I laugh.

“Do you know what sweetheart, you sound different almost brighter and I have to say it’s lovely to hear that sparkle back in your voice again.” There’s a slight ease in his voice.

“I wouldn’t go that far,” but my heart glows warm knowing that I have made him feel happier and that in turn makes me feel better.

“So who’s the lad causing trouble?”

“I didn’t say anything about a boy,” I reply all coy.

“Ellie, I raised your mum and your uncle by myself. I have seen them through the heartbreak and the joy that goes along with courting.”

I laugh, “Courting?”

“Hey the old terms are the correct terms.” He laughs gasping for air.

“Calm down, are you ok?” I panic again.

“Come on girl, out with it, don’t keep an old man in suspense.”

“I met this guy and he’s lovely, he makes me feel safe and alive again but I think I’m just a faceless name to him, he doesn’t know what he wants.”

“We’re simple creatures Ellie, you have to stop overthinking things,” he coughs and catches his breath, “Sometimes there isn’t a solution because there isn’t a problem and you overthinking things is creating problems within yourself. I think it’s time you started to open yourself up again, as far as not knowing what he wants; again who ever knows what they want till they’re faced with it, time is the best healer Ellie. Give him time and give yourself time. Rome wasn’t built in a day”.

He maybe half way around the world but he knows how to put me at ease and bring me back from the inner struggle of what to do.

“I know.” I sigh.

“And Ellie, though you may feel the monsters are coming out of the shadows, just remember how much you have overcome to be where you are today. Enjoy yourself while you can sweetheart, as you know more than anyone that can be over before it’s begun. Your mum, god rest her soul, would be so proud of you and what you’ve achieved.” He sniffs.

I choke back a tear, “I know Grandad.”

“Anyway, it must be very early there and you should be asleep
, not checking up on the old folks.”

“You’re not that old
”, I giggle, “Ok please keep warm Grandad and if your chest gets worse then please call in Mrs.Wells or the doctor. Then I’ll save up and come back after Christmas for a visit.”

“No!” he shouts taking me by surprise.

“Oh…?”

“You’ve got a new life over there, give it sometime before you come back,” there’s a high level of anxiety in his voice and his breathing becomes quicker.

“Ok, ok that’s fine don’t worry I will wait then, if that’s what you want?”

This is not how I was expecting the conversation to flow.

He sighs with relief, I think, “I’m sorry I haven’t called sooner I’ve just been busy with the garden, but you get some sleep and I promise I will call you after the weekend.”

“Ok…” I hesitate, “Bye Grandad?”

“Bye love.”

He hangs up and the conversation is over, that has to be the weirdest conversation I’ve had with him ever and now I’m on red alert as to what’s wrong with him. My sadness and anger from earlier have been pushed aside by my fear for Bruce’s health.

I have to go and see Brendan and find out what’s wrong.

Removing my now damp clothes I throw on a hoody and a pair of jogging bottoms, grab my room key and slide it behind my phone in its case then make my way down to find Brendan.

I exit the lift and make my way to the reception desk, which is deserted. A night porter walks past me and starts sorting through some keys.

“Hey?” I call over.

The stout little man jumps and turns to look at me.

“Have you seen Brendan?”

He continues to look at me confused and he doesn’t look familiar to me, I can only assume he’s pretty new here. He slides the key draw shut again and turns away from me.

“No.” he mutters under his breath and briskly hurries away.

“Thanks, ever so helpful!” I huff and walk past reception to the staff door that leads to the offices and meeting rooms. I remember Brendan saying he may have a meeting so he might be in his office, I head down the corridor and see his light is on. I stop just outside his door and listen to the mumbled voices that are escaping through the not quite closed door.

‘
Remember what happened last time you eavesdropped
’ a little voice whispers behind me.

“So where is he now?” Brendan asks, his voice stern.

“He disappeared in Suffolk.”

Suffolk? What the hell are they talking about and who disappeared?

“So there’s no trail of him?”

“No, nothing, like I said he just disappeared.”

“How long ago?” Brendan’s voice remains stern.

“Two weeks.”

I lean in a bit more and lean on the door.

“You’re joking, two weeks?” anger takes over Brendan, “What the fu…”

I lean that little bit more and the door springs open leaving me flat on my face in Brendan’s office.

“Ellie!” Brendan shouts, “I’m in a meeting!”

I pick myself up off the floor and hear papers being rustled and stuffed into drawers.

“Sorry, I really needed to speak to you.” I dust myself down and offer an apologetic smile to Brendan, glancing past him I see a well-dressed man sitting the other side of the desk. The dark-suited man smiles and approaches me tucking a little book into his inner jacket pocket.

“Hi Ellie, nice to meet you.” He holds out his hand for me to shake, I notice there is a scar running from the back of his index finger to his wrist.

I shake his hand,

“Ellie this is Detective Morgan and we were in a private meeting.”

“Sorry Detective,” I apologise releasing from his shake.

“Please call me Rob, I’m an old friend of your uncle’s,” he looks to Brendan, “I can wait here.”

I smile at him again, he is very calm whereas Brendan seems all pent up and is literally running me out of the room.

“Nice to meet you,” I call as I’m shunted from the office.

“Likewise,” Rob waves.

Outside the room Brendan closes the door and walks me back towards the main door.

“What did you want?” he asks abruptly.

“Oh,” not the first time I’ve been taken aback by someone’s short manners tonight. “Erm…Grandad doesn’t sound well at all and I’m worried about him, he sounds worried and short of breath.”

“He’s fine, it’s nothing.”

“So you’ve spoken to him?” I ask shocked, why has he not said anything?

Brendan looks at his watch then scans the corridor, “He’s fine Ellie, he’s just been watching too much snooker and getting over-excited.” He places a hand on my shoulder, “I’ll ask Mrs. Wells, next door, to pop in and check on him tomorrow.”

“Fine,” I sigh, but I’m not happy that he’s been keeping things from me.

“Look I have to get back to the meeting, its late, you have work in a few hours and all eyes are on you for this party.”

I roll my eyes at him, I wish everyone would stop wrapping me up - I’m twenty four not twelve!

“I know and I’ll be fine! You don’t have to protect me from everything you know.” I snap at him turning to walk away, “by the way that new night porter is pretty rude!” I push the door open to leave as Brendan makes his way back to the office, he stops and turns to me,

“What new night porter?”

“The stout old man, balding? He was going through the master keys about ten minutes ago.”

Brendan’s face drains and he looks like he’s seen a ghost.

“What’s wrong?” I don’t think I’ve ever seen Brendan look panic stricken.

“Nothing, thanks for letting me know, now go to bed!” He shouts, turning back into the office, pulling his phone from his pocket.

I linger on, holding the door for a few more seconds, but I can’t hear anything from his room so I turn back into the reception.

I walk towards the lift as Earl comes barreling past me nearly sending me flying, two other security guards follow behind him, one runs off to the front entrance while Earl and the other run through the staff door. I watch as they disappear out of sight and I enter the lift to try and get some sleep before work in the morning. Back in the room I lay my head down on the pillow and all I can see is Trey, I roll over and I can still smell him on the pillow. The tears start to flow and I lay and sob until my eyes close and I drift off.

###

I have possibly had about half an hour of full sleep and I’ve still managed to wake up before my alarm. I turn to look at the clock and stretch out. Like a wrecking ball it hits me that everything is not ok and it wasn’t a nightmare I had last night. The tears that have m
ade my eyes all puffy are threatening to return, I swallow hard rapidly blinking them away.

I drag myself around the apartment making coffee and watching TV. I even manage to shower and dress and still have time to clean up the mess I made last night. I look at the clock and there is still another hour before I have to be in work, I just know this day is going to drag on and get worse.

My phone rings and I jump to answer it, my heart pounds in the hopes that it’s Trey but I look at the screen and it’s Meagan.

“Hi,” I answer.

“Morning, so how was last night with lover boy?”

“We broke up
, no wait we weren’t together, he left.”

“What? Why?”

“Long story.”

Please don’t push me I have fought the tears all morning and I don’t want to come unstuck after an hour of trying to cover up the bags under these eyes.

“I have time.” Meagan pushes.

“Not now, I can’t handle it,” I plead, “Oh have you spoken to Grandad?”

“Not in a while, why?”

“We spoke last night and he doesn’t sound right, I even spoke about visiting and he almost had a hernia
, saying I need more time and not to run back to the monsters…”

“He’s right though, it’s not been a year since you moved over here, maybe you should let the dust settle before you think about going back?”

I stay silent, I know everyone has my best interests at heart but I’ve recently realised how much they wrap me up to protect me.

“I’ll see how I feel about it after Christmas.”

“Your call, right I’m off to a class soon but I want a girly night in tonight, pj’s, pizza and an alcoholic drink that begins with P.” She laughs in turn making me laugh.

“Thank you,” I sigh.