The Defendant (20 page)

Even now, more than an hour later, the sadness lingered in her eyes. He knew how she felt. The boy had suffered unimaginable horror and it wasn’t over yet. Wanting to help him but not knowing how was beyond frustrating for Chase. He couldn’t imagine how much more difficult it was for Josie. She’d been trained to help and yet it was clear to him that the boy kept pushing her away.

“Don’t keep beating yourself up, Josie,” he said quietly. “You’re doing the best that you can. He’s very lucky to have you on his side.”

He could tell from the tightening of her jaw and the flash of denial in her eyes that she disagreed.

“How can you say that?” she demanded, pitching her voice low in deference to the sleeping children.
“I’m
the one who has recommended to the prosecutor that the court proceed with the matter.”

“It isn’t just you, Josie. Okay, you’ve provided the Crown with your opinion and I assume you still stand by it, but it’s the judge who will make the decision. He’ll read both reports—don’t forget, the defense will tender one too—and both sides will get to argue. Don’t think for a moment that it all comes down to you. Not wanting to belabor the point, but your report’s only a small part of the whole.”

She made a sound of frustration. “I can’t help but think Daniel won’t see it that way.”

Chase stared at her, but there was nothing he could say. What she said was true and he could only hope the boy was mature enough to understand Josie’s role in the proceedings. He made a mental note to have a talk to him.

Josie sighed. She picked up her glass of red wine and drank from it. She’d brought out the bottle not long after the boys had gone to bed and wanting to prolong their time together, Chase had been only too happy to share it. A sense of comfortable intimacy had fallen between them and a little while later he found the courage to mention the motorcycle.

“I saw the Triumph in your garage. Is it yours?”

“Yes. I’ve had it for quite awhile.”

“I’d have never guessed you were into motorbikes.”

She contemplated him over the rim of her wine glass, her expression tinged with sadness.

“It’s been a long time since you knew me. I was a kid in most respects back then. I guess over the years, I grew up.” A tiny smile tugged at the corner of her lips. “That, and my brother Declan bought a 1199 Panigale Ducati. Boy, has that thing got some legs.”

Chase smiled back at her. “I take it you have firsthand experience?”

“Of course. Declan bought it while I was still in college. On my summer breaks, I’d go down and visit him. He lives in Canberra where the summer temperatures are sublime compared to the heat and humidity of Brisbane. Declan would escape the pressures of his job by climbing on board his motorbike and tearing up the freeway. He bought me a helmet and let me ride pillion.”

“So this fascination with speed and fast bikes is your brother’s fault?” Chase teased, enjoying the way she’d opened up to him.

“I’m not sure one could say it was his fault, but I’d never been on a motorbike before he let me on his.” She grinned. “I’m pretty certain he’s regretted it ever since. He’s the first one to lecture me about getting overconfident and how powerful bikes can bring you unstuck. I’ve been lucky. So far, I’ve only had a few minor busters.”

Chase suppressed a shudder at the image of Josie lying in pieces on the road, yet he tried to make light of the danger. He wasn’t her husband or even her brother. It wasn’t his place to express concern.

“One way to go out with a bang, I guess.”

She took another drink from her glass and looked at him curiously over the rim, a single eyebrow quirked upward.

“I never picked you for a man who took life so lightly. I was sure you’d remonstrate with me about the dangers of being a speed fiend, like the hectoring I get from my brothers. You’ve surprised me.”

He waved her words away and picked up his glass. “I didn’t say your hobby doesn’t fill me with dread, but I’d be one helluva hypocrite lecturing you on the perils of riding fast motorcycles when I have one of my own.”

Her eyes widened in surprise and pleasure.
“Really?”

He grinned. “Yes, really.”

“What kind of bike do you have?”

“What kind of bike do you
think
I have?”

She rolled her eyes at him, but her grin was captivating.

“Now, this is fraught with danger,” she smiled. “If I say something like a Yamaha Virago 250 which everyone knows is a proper idiot’s bike and you have one, you’ll be wounded for life. If I guess an imported, custom built Harley-Davidson V-Rod and you’re forced to confess it’s way out of your price bracket, you’ll be even more embarrassed. See? It’s a lose-lose situation. Why don’t you just tell me?”

“I’m appalled that you think my ego so fragile that it couldn’t cope with your brutal honesty,” he said with mock outrage and then narrowed his eyes. “That’s if it is honesty you’re purporting to employ. Let me tell you, I have my suspicions in that regard.”

Her giggle spilled over and poured into his heart, warming it all the way through, like it used to. It was the first time in more than a decade that he’d heard her laugh. Even at the barbeque, she’d remained quiet and aloof. He didn’t realize how much he’d missed hearing it until that moment.

They used to laugh together all the time. Her sense of humor and her ability not to take herself seriously were two of the things he’d loved most about her.

Loved?
As in the past tense? Who was he kidding? He was still in love with her. Not his cancer or the decade that stood between them could change that fact.

When he didn’t respond, the humor in her eyes slowly dimmed. “What’s the matter, Chase? What did I say?”

The uncertainty on her face pierced his heart. The urge to tell her everything, to tell her the truth of what happened all those years ago, burned through him. His heart pounded. He opened his mouth and then closed it, his indecisiveness getting the best of him.

What good would it do to tell her now?
Nothing had changed. He still couldn’t give her the thing she wanted most. He still couldn’t guarantee her a baby.

“Why aren’t you married, Chase? Why don’t you have a family? I thought you wanted kids as much as I did.”

The softly voiced question came from nowhere and hit him hard in the chest. He sucked in a breath and stared at her, wanting so much to tell her. Instead he said, “We don’t always get what we wish for.”

She stared back at him and he could almost see the barrage of questions on her lips. In an effort to distract her, he asked, “What about you, Josie? Why don’t you have kids?”

She held his gaze a moment longer and then lowered it. “I guess I haven’t found anyone I want to have kids with,” she mumbled and then filled her mouth with more wine.

He mulled over her explanation and tried to ignore the hope that leaped in his chest. At the same time, his shoulders slumped.
She still wanted kids.
It was just that she hadn’t found the right man to father them.

“What happened to us, Chase?”

The whispered words tortured him, along with the tormented expression on her face. Once again, he wanted to tell her and once again he backed away. He’d made the decision years ago to never tell her the truth.

Despite his earlier hope, when he thought they might have a chance, he realized that all the reasons he’d kept it from her in the first place hadn’t changed. He still couldn’t bear the thought of her pity, or worse, that she might stay with him out of obligation. Eventually, she’d come to resent him and any love she had for him would die.

Was he too proud to tell her? Was that what this was really about? The thought sent a surge of anger rushing through him and he forcefully pushed it away. No, this had nothing to do with pride. Would he be stupid enough to let pride get in the way of being with the woman he loved? All of a sudden, he didn’t want to think about the answer.

“Someone did a good job of restoring the little Mustang,” he said instead and watched her earnest expression slowly fade away, replaced by disappointment. His gut felt hollow with cowardice.

She went to take a sip from her wine glass and then realized it was empty. He watched while she set the glass back down, picked up the bottle and refilled it, then in silence, she drank once again. One swallow, two. She’d have the whole bottle drunk soon. He couldn’t help the surge of guilt that rushed through him. It was his fault she felt the need to overindulge.

Another mouthful later and she finally cleared her throat. He braced himself against what was to come, but she only looked at him with sad resignation and said, “The car belongs to my dad. He’s been restoring it for years. He finished it just before he suffered a ruptured brain aneurysm last Christmas.”

Chase nodded, remembering. Riley had been a mess. He’d called Chase in a panic and had asked him to look after the command. Chase had been happy to help and had urged Riley to be with his family. For a little while, nobody knew if the former District Court judge would pull through. Fortunately, he had.

“He’s a lucky man,” Chase murmured.

“Yes. We’re lucky too, for having him in our lives. He’s done a lot of great things in his time. I hope I can look back some day and be as proud of the things I achieve.”

She said it so wistfully, emotion burned at the back of Chase’s eyes.
Were there things she wanted to achieve and yet hadn’t?
Could marriage and motherhood be among them?

“I borrowed the Mustang off him not long after I arrived in Watervale. I never needed a car in Brisbane. I lived a few minutes’ walk from the bus station. The times when I had to go further afield, I took the Triumph. That reminds me…” she said with a slight smile, as if recalling their earlier discussion. “You still haven’t told me what kind of bike you have.”

Relieved to have the conversation moved in another direction, Chase replied with a grin. “I have a Honda Fireblade, if you must know and it goes like the clappers.”

An answering smile played around her lips and she nodded in approval. “A Fireblade? Nice. Yes, I can see you on one of those.” She held his gaze and for the life of him, he couldn’t look away.

Her praise warmed him much more than it had a right to and he tamped down on the feelings that surged deep inside him. Until he found the courage to tell her the truth, he had no right feeling anything at all for the beautiful, warm, gentle, gorgeous woman that was Josie Munro. All he had to do was get that message through to his brain…and to other parts of his anatomy.

He hadn’t been with a woman since Josie’s arrival in town and his cock now throbbed with heat, but the almost visceral need to be inside her had nothing to do with his self-enforced abstinence and everything to do with the woman seated across from him.

For years after they’d parted, he’d done his best to erase her memory. He’d had his fair share of women—probably more than his fair share, if he were honest. Riley’s jibe about Chase’s past was well and truly deserved. He had a reputation in Watervale for being a ladies’ man and he’d worked hard to maintain it. A man who liked to play the field didn’t receive too much pressure to settle down. Women who were looking for commitment knew better than to date the likes of him. That suited him just fine.

He’d known, since first meeting Josie that no one else could ever come close to making him feel the way she did. Each little moment spent together added up to something extraordinary. It was like they’d met in another life; their hearts and souls already entwined even before setting eyes on each other at a football game. They were young and in love, with their lives, full and glorious, ahead of them. They promised themselves to each other, forever and ever, amen.

Knowing how it had all ended still filled him with pain and the memory of the way he’d walked away from her without a word of explanation seemed cowardly and flooded him with shame. All at once, his desire deflated. He glanced at his watch and saw that it was late.

He pushed away from the table, averting his eyes.

“I’d better go. We both have a big day ahead of us and it will be here before we know it.”

From the corner of his eye, he saw her shoulders slump and her face once again filled with disappointment, but she cleared her throat and answered him in a voice that was almost normal.

“Of course. I’ll see you out.”

He followed her into the entryway. She reached for the screen door and held it open.

“Thanks for putting the beds together. It was a real help. I-I appreciate it.”

Chase nodded, hating to leave her like this and for a brief moment he wanted to kiss her, he wanted to see if she’d remember the taste of his lips on her mouth, but he quickly pushed the thought aside, knowing it was for the best.

“No problem. Thanks for dinner. It was great.”

A wry smile tilted the corners of her mouth. “It was fish and chips, Chase.”

“Right. Fish and chips. Best I’ve ever tasted.”

She shook her head slowly back and forth and her smile turned into a grin that touched every corner of his heart. She was the same beautiful, sweet Josie he’d known and loved forever.

“I’ll see you in court,” he murmured and left her standing on the porch. He’d never felt more lonely.

* * *