The Decimation of Mae (The Blue Butterfly) (4 page)

The kids on the estate gave me their usual welcome home
as they greeted me with taunts and pelted handfuls of ice that scratched my
cheeks and lips, one particular chip cutting an inch of skin above my right
eye, it’s deep gash actually doing me a favour and giving me enough of a
reprieve against the pain to get me to my apartment. To them I wasn’t Mae
Swift, the pizza maker whose life was hanging in the balance. No, I was the
ugly freak, the weird girl who lived on the ground floor in apartment 4 who
never had company, never made a connection with any of them or even looked
their way, the hideous scarred weirdo who provided them with entertainment on a
housing estate that didn’t offer any other source of amusement.

I shoved my front door closed behind me, placing the four
chains in their housings, sliding the lock into place and slipping the three
bolts into their catches.

I flicked every single light on my journey through my
apartment, obliterating the shadows that threatened to choke me as I worked my
way through to my bedroom. I dropped to my knees in front of the wardrobe and
dug my hands under the blankets at the bottom, feeling for what I wanted.

As soon as the small tin found my fingers I sighed as
release was suddenly realistic and not held just beyond reach.

I dashed into the bathroom, finally flicking the little
pull cord that operated the little strobe light above the sink and pulled open
my battered little tin. The contents fell into the sink in my haste but I
didn’t care, it made it easier to find what I wanted.

I grabbed at the button on my jeans, ready to pull them
off before I realised I wouldn’t be seen in public for over a week and didn’t
need to hide.

I yanked off my coat and tore at my sleeve until it was
rolled above my elbow.

My shoulders sagged, my brain sighed and my veins tingled
in ecstasy at the first stroke of the blade across the underside of my forearm.
My vision swam in delight as I watched the bubbles of blood surface against the
paleness of my skin.

My whole body relaxed, my chest unwound, and a deep
tranquillity flowed through me with the second pull of the razor against my
tight flesh. My heart started to slow back to its regular beat as my chest slowly
rose and fell. A heavy sigh vibrated through me, my veins now allowing my blood
to flow uninhibited around my body as the constriction eased.

I opened the mirrored cabinet above the sink and hunted
for the cotton balls I knew were in there. I moved things around when they
didn’t show up.

“Strange, I could’ve sworn…”

My whole life ended when I closed the cupboard door. My
heart stopped as a whooshing noise echoed in my ears and my stomach actually
gurgled when the acid in it ate the fear that filled it. It seemed too surreal
to be real. I was dreaming, that was all; maybe I had banged my head without
realising on the way home.

The reflection in the mirror showed the blood leave my
face, the flush in my cheeks disappearing as another face materialised over my
shoulder.

His mouth twisted into a sinister grin as his threatening
chocolate eyes darkened. “Hello again, little lamb.”

The door opened. I didn’t have the energy to turn myself
towards the light that streaked into the room; I simply closed my eyes to it.

I heard the slow plod of his heavy feet on the concrete
floor, however I no longer feared him. Fear wouldn’t save me, it wouldn’t end
this nightmare. Fear was of no use to me now. I was too exhausted. I just wanted
a reprieve from life. I wanted him to get it over with and end it.

The twitch in my big toe was back, the strain from being
suspended for so long with just the soles of my feet softly touching the floor
causing the slight imbalance in my nerve endings and strain to my muscles.

My legs ached from my shins to my thighs and a fierce
burn in my calves ate at my muscles. My arms were numb, my fingers no longer
belonging to me but to the chain they had been curled around for so long they
had set, giving me an almost garden sculpture resemblance. I had laughed at
that thought, many hours ago, the thought that I’d actually die attached to a
chain with my fingers seeking support from the thing that caused their pain, my
grip so tight I had become one with the metal.

Footsteps circled around me, their slow pace rhythmic and
calming after the long silence, their thud, thud, thud sending me into a
conscious unconsciousness. His breaths were heavy and loud, regular and paced
precisely as he inhaled through his nose then exhaled through his mouth. It was
amazing what your senses picked up after a deep quiet.

He moved away, the bump of his feet growing softer the
further he got. I tried to regulate my breathing to the pattern of his
movement, inhaling or exhaling every time his foot connected with the ground
but his steps were a tad quicker than my shallow breathing.

I was suddenly dropped, my body screamed out at the
sudden release, my muscles shrivelling and my bones cracking with the abrupt
action. The side of my head bounced off the concrete, my neck unable to support
it as my body sagged to the floor. Pain shot to every single section of my
body, the knock causing me to cry out as I tried to lift my hands to cradle my
head, but the muscles in my arms were too weak.

“Nadu, Mae.”

I fought with the heaviness of my eyelids but the effort
was too strenuous. He repeated himself and I prised my eyes open, the harshness
of the light in the room piercing my brain and stinging my eyes.

I winced unconsciously when he dropped to his haunches
before me, his forearms on his thighs as he studied me intensely.

“You have a lot to learn, Mae,” he said, his tone calm
but controlled. I stared at him, unable to give him any response. “But you
will,” he finished with a sigh before he stood back up and tilted his head as
though waiting for something. “Let’s make this simpler for you.”

I squealed when he bent and gripped my hair then yanked
me upright, my legs splayed out by the side of me as he supported my weary body
with his hold. “When I enter, you will kneel with your knees apart and your
hands on your thighs. Do you understand?”

I squinted, bewilderment and confusion now an enemy when
his words jumbled in my head. I shook my head as much as I could. Why the fuck
would he want me to kneel?

He sighed faintly and pulled on my hair, lifting me
further off the ground as pain shot through my scalp and into my brain. I
yelped when he kicked at my legs. Instinct drew them into my body as I tried to
tuck them underneath me to protect them.

He tutted and sighed when I obviously didn’t meet his
satisfaction. “Look at me, Mae.”

I blinked furiously when my eyes still refused to
accommodate the light, the pain torturing me until I gave in and left them
closed. I cried out when the back of his hand shot across my cheek, firing a
deep burn through the flesh as my head knocked against the ground once more.

“Look – at – me.”

I squeezed my eyes shut then attempted to open them,
furiously trying to ignore the pain and focus on him.

“Better.” He pulled in a breath and crouched low again,
his hard eyes on mine, daring me to close them again. I whimpered when he
lifted up a bottle of water and waggled it in his fingers. “You want this,
lamb? Are you thirsty?”

I gave him a simple nod as I begged him with my eyes.

“Speak.”

I swallowed against the dryness and clog in my throat
that had settled there hours ago. “Yes,” I managed to croak out, gulping again
at the soreness in my throat.

“Then kneel.”

I stared at him for a moment, checking for any humour on
his face but there was none. This man was deadly serious. If I didn’t want to
die of dehydration then I needed to kneel.

I shifted slowly, palming the floor as I tried to push
myself up. My knees screamed at the bent position after being vertical for so
long, however I managed to manoeuvre until I resembled some sort of kneeling
position before him.

“Chin up.”

I sighed in frustration and lifted my face until I was
staring straight at him in his crouched position. His eyes pierced mine, the
rich brown melting before my eyes as a blaze fired in them. He propped my chin
a little higher with a finger until my eyes were on his forehead. “You will
never make eye contact with me again.”

What was with him? He needn’t worry though, I never
wanted to look at him again. Those eyes had haunted my nightmares for years.

He stood and slipped a foot between my knees. “Open your
legs slightly.”

I was too tired and thirsty to argue, in addition to the
extreme pain over-ruling every single thought in my head so I did as he asked
and shuffled my knees apart. “Further,” he whispered. I gulped at the throb
that fired in the pit of my gut with his soft tone, fear and terror controlling
my blood system and surging dread into every nerve ending with his tender tone.

I sank my teeth into my bottom lip as I held onto my new
found temper. It festered inside me, allowing me to nurture it and give me
strength. I’d make sure to get the water before he got my wrath.

He took a step back to study me. My eyes closed as
humiliation burnt in me. “Open your eyes, Mae. Straighten your back and put
your hands on your thighs.” His words were clear and meticulous, firing my deep-seated
anger higher and higher but I did what he expected, pulling myself into his
required pose.

“Better.”

He crouched before me again and took hold of my chin,
tilting my head back slowly. “Open your mouth, little lamb.” His soft tone made
me shiver.

Like a lamb to the slaughter.

I gulped at the cool liquid when he held it to my lips
and allowed me to drink, the lubrication to my sore throat was nectar but my
belly griped angrily.

“Enough,” he barked. “Sip it.”

I swallowed frequently as he poured small amounts into my
mouth but as he removed it, my hand shot up to his to stop his confiscation of
my life source. He removed the bottle instantly and grabbed onto my wrist
tightly. He didn’t speak, just glared at me with hatred. “EYES!” he snapped
when I looked at him.

I dropped my gaze to the floor and waited. His breathing
calmed and I relaxed a little. His expensive shoes reflected the curl of my lip
as he unlocked my wrists from the cuffs. “Get up.”

I rolled my eyes at the floor and pushed myself upright,
finally planting my feet solidly on the floor after three attempts. I stood
straight as his gaze wondered over my filthy body. “Follow me.”

I shuffled after him as he walked from the room. He was
pacing ahead but my eyes were too busy taking in my surroundings to take much
notice of him.

“Holy shittin’ fuck,” I breathed as I stared at the
luxury around that poxy little shithole he had kept me in.

I screamed out as his knuckles connected with my mouth
and I fell against the banister. “Keep your filthy mouth closed from now on.”

I gasped and brought my hand to my mouth, dabbing gently
at my lip. Blood covered it when I brought it away. Fury bubbled inside me, its
strength overpowering me as I launched myself at him. Instinct took control of
my temper and gave it sustenance as my fist rocked his head to the side with a
sharp snap, his jaw cracking under the force.

He was on me in seconds. My back hit the floor with a
sickening thud as his huge body straddled me. He grabbed both of my hands in
his single one before he brought his fist into my face four times. My cheek
exploded, bringing tears to them as my sore, swollen eyes squeezed shut against
his abuse. He grabbed my hair and held my head down as his face came an inch
from mine. “You ever touch me again and I will hurt you. You think this is
pain?” he spat as I whimpered and cried underneath him. “Then you have a lot to
learn about me, Mae. I can crush you in a heartbeat, and believe me, I will.”

His spittle sprayed my face as his warm breath clung to
the wetness from my tears.

“Fuck you!” I spat back. Impulse urged me to fight back,
refuse his dominance. In a way I hoped my challenge would encourage him to
finish this, my mind was playing with the scenario too much, feeding me with
horrors and fright of what was to come.

His chest heaved as his jaw clenched, his teeth cracking
loudly under the power as he got up and dragged me across the floor by my hair.
My body felt heavy but he pulled me as though I weighed nothing.

My already bruised frame bounced along the bathroom’s porcelain
floor tiles before he slung me into the huge shower cubicle. Freezing cold
water pelted me, my skin shrinking back at the assault as I gasped for breath
and scrambled around on the floor.

He forced my head back with a firm hold on my hair as he
directed the jet of water into my mouth. “Let’s cleanse that dirty mouth, shall
we?”

I squeezed my mouth closed, cutting off his want to drown
me but the torrent of water blocked my nose. My mouth opened, causing me to
drown again. It was a vicious circle as he refused to let up, the water either
suffocating me or drowning me. I was deliberating which of the two would be the
best way to go when the water suddenly took on a new horror as the heat
suddenly intensified and pelts of scorching water attacked my cold, delicate
skin.

I screamed and clambered to the back of the cubicle,
protecting my body from the blistering heat as I wrapped my arms around myself.

He shut off the water and stared at me, his head
marginally tilted to the side as his eyes burrowed deep inside me. “More?”

I shook my head furiously. “No, please.”

I hated the pleading tone in my voice but my body couldn’t
survive anymore abuse. I was exhausted, in extreme pain and my willpower had
fucked off with the water down the drain.

“Nadu!” He barked that stupid word again and I shrugged
at him. He closed his eyes, fighting for patience before he snapped them open.
“Nadu!” he barked out again. “Kneel, Mae.”

“Oh,” I whispered as I scrambled around, bringing myself
to a kneeling position again.

“Knees,” he whispered in that damn tone that liquefied my
mind. It fooled my senses and I relaxed marginally in relief.

I shuffled my knees apart slightly and remembered to
place my hands on my thighs.

His smile lit my insides, made me sigh as a reprieve in his
anger gave my mind a moment’s peace, and a small jolt of happiness jerked my
lips upwards into a tiny, proud smile.

“Very good,” he praised with a small nod. “Now wash
yourself.”

I blinked at him but shifted quickly when he reached for
the shower controls. “Yes,” I answered as I adjusted the temperature and
switched the water back on.

His hand shot out to stop me when I started to pull at
the glass door. He shook his head slowly then went to settle in the chair that
was facing the cubicle. He sat back and crossed one leg over the other as he
clasped his fingers together and rested them in his lap.

“You want me to shower on my knees?” I gasped him with a
look of bewilderment. Darkness covered his face as an enraged gleam filled his
eyes. “I’m sorry,” I bit out as I held my hands up and picked up the soap.

I hated my reticence, hated how I submitted to him so
easily but right then I was too tired to argue and fight. I had been fighting the
memory of him for the last three years with no success, and to have him a metre
from me, his evil once more polluting the air around me was impossible to oppose.
He overpowered me with ease, the sheer strength of him pointless to battle
with. The knowledge of how cruel he could be suppressed anymore thoughts of
denying his orders. He destroyed my life three years ago, not just physically
but emotionally and spiritually. I had never gotten over what he did; his
actions that day made me question not just my own judgement but the intentions
of everyone else around me.

That is what made him so powerful; not the pain he could
cause to my body, but the agony he brought to my soul.

However, I would build myself back up then I’d fight the
fucker all the way. That was a promise. I once again needed to find the
resilient little girl my mother had loved and raised. I needed to rediscover
the defiant and strong mind my father had encouraged in me. I had to learn to
trust myself and learn how to fight with not just a physical strength, but hard
emotion and a tough mind.

His eyes followed the route of my hands as I remained
kneeling and washed myself. The expensive soap was luxurious against the filth
engrained into my sore skin, the gentle pulse of the warm water soothing to my
nerves.

“Wash your pussy, dirty little lamb.”

My eyes shot to his but I quickly lowered them and blew
out a steadying breath. Oh God damn shittin’ fuck - I made sure to say it in my
head that time.

I lathered up the soap meticulously, stealing time as I
spun it and spun it in my grip, watching it twist and slide in my hands. I
shuddered and closed my eyes as I slipped my hands between my legs and scrubbed
at my bits quickly.