The Debt & the Doormat (41 page)

‘Anyway, it was nice to see you again Lilly, but we should get going Pops.’  He looks anxiously at his watch.

‘Yeah cool.’ I edge out of the bedroom, trying to ignore Lilly mouthing ‘he’s so hot’ to me.

When I glance back into the room to say bye, the three of them are dry humping each other, whipping their hair back and forth, tongues out, giggling silently.  My God, they’re immature. 

I’m almost at the door when I remember I’ve forgotten my bag.

‘Oh, I’ve forgotten my handbag,’ I say turning round.

‘Don't worry, I’ll grab it,’ he says, as he edges back into the room.

‘No!  I’ll get it!’ I say as I run after him.

As he enters Izzy, Lilly and Jazz are still pretending to dry hump and immediately jump out of position, pretending instead that they were touching their hair, or looking at the ceiling.

‘Got it, let’s go,’ I say grabbing my purse off the side.

‘Your friends are weird,’ he laughs as we leave.

‘You don't know the half of it.’

*                            *                            *

‘It’s the highest gynaecological killer of women in the UK and the fourth most common cause of death from cancer in women. Around two thirds of those diagnosed will die from it.’

‘Oh yes, it's terrible,’ I say to the bald man lecturing me on the facts of ovarian cancer.

‘It's thanks to firms like these that support us and bring our cause more awareness.’

‘Oh, yeah.  My house mate has just joined the firm and he says they’re all really nice,’ I say desperately trying to change the subject.

‘They are indeed.  But we need more firms like these and more donations.  Tell me dear, have you ever considered doing a fun run?  We organise one every year and I’d love to put your name down on the list.’

‘I....I’m not sure.’

‘Why?  Why wouldn’t you want to run for a good cause?’ he asks his eyes narrowing.

‘I...well; it's not that....it’s just...’

Oh God, I’m running out of excuses now.  Maybe it would be easier to just agree with it and then break my ankle a week before. 

‘Poppy, I see you’ve met Harold,’ Ryan says, swooping in with two glasses of champagne. 

‘Yes.  This charming young lady was just volunteering to do a fun run for us.’

‘Really?’  He smiles at me questionably, as if he sees through my act.

‘Um...’

‘Yes – a very charitable girlfriend you have here,’ Harold says, smiling approvingly.

‘Oh, I’m not – ‘

‘Oh, she’s not – ‘

We both speak at the same time and look at each other embarrassed. 

‘We’re not together,’ Ryan says, smiling at him.  ‘Ooh, I love this song.’ 

He quickly puts our champagne down and pulls me onto the dance floor.  I let him lead me away from Harold, breathing a sigh of relief. 

The band is playing some old rock and roll number I don't recognise.  He pulls me into the centre of dancing couples, twirling me all the way.  He begins to dance and I’m shocked with how easily he moves.  Especially when he’s supposed to still be taking it easy.  He pulls me into him, twirling me round and out every so often.  I laugh hysterically the whole way through, totally exhilarated by the evening.  I want to scream from the tension between us.

The song ends and they slow it down, singing ‘the way you look tonight’.  He reaches his hands out to me.

‘Shall we?’

‘We shall,’ I say putting my hand into his frame.  I melt as he puts his other arm round my waist to my lower back.

The melodic piano plays softly in the background and seems to make everything around me seem so romantic.  The lights seem dimmer, the people more in love.  The whole scene makes me feel like I’m in a romantic fifties movie. 

‘You know, Harold must be the fifth person to think you were my girlfriend tonight,’ he whispers in my ear. 

I try not to convulse from his breath on my ear.

‘Really?’ I mumble back, him taking my breath away from his touch.

‘Yeah, and it's funny because they all seem really shocked.’

‘Shocked?’ 

Why would they be shocked?  Shocked that he’d date someone as average as me? 

Oh my God.  It dawns on me why.  They must all still think he’s gay.

‘Yeah, but it's probably “the way you look tonight”,’ he laughs, quoting the song playing.

I blush, even though he’s only taking the piss out of the song. 

‘Because....you look beautiful tonight.  They’re probably shocked I could get someone as good as you.’

I laugh awkwardly.  ‘You’re crazy.’

‘Am I?’ he whispers back into my ear, sending shivers down my spine.

I ignore the question and instead bury my head into his chest, hoping that I’ll never have to leave it to face reality.  This song is really how I’m feeling.  Tony Bennett is right, I’ll always feel a glow just thinking of Ryan and tonight.  I didn’t realise I could feel so happy and so sad at the same time.  Happy that this feels exactly how I want it to be; me and Ryan dancing together happily, our bodies pressed together.  Sad because I know this isn’t going to last, this isn’t real.  It's only for tonight.  When midnight strikes, like Cinderella I’ll be back to my dowdy life.   

When the song ends I pull back to look at him and for a second it's as if we’re the only people in the room, his eyes enveloping me.  I look away, intimidated by his stare, not wanting to set myself up for disappointment again.

‘Another drink?’ he asks, smiling awkwardly.

‘Yeah, cool,’ I mumble.

He goes to the bar and I move over to the side of the room.  I spot Harold edging towards me and so I weave through the crowd, hiding behind a group of three women.

‘Well, he brought that woman, but he’s definitely still gay.’

‘Oh yeah, it's so bloody obvious.’

‘Yeah, she’s probably just his fag hag.’

‘Such a shame – Ryan’s so lovely.’

‘Excuse me,’ I say tapping them on the shoulder ‘but were you just talking about Ryan Davis?’

They all turn and I’m horrified to see that one of the girls is Tabitha.

‘Oh hi again.  I’ve forgotten your name – Polly or something isn’t it?’

‘It's Poppy actually.  Anyway, look, Ryan’s not gay, OK?  You need to tell everyone that he’s not gay.’

‘But you told me he was?’  She looks at me as if I’m insane.

‘I know I did but I was wrong, OK?  He’s definitely straight,’ I protest, sweat starting to form on my forehead.

‘She’s obviously just saying this to save his feelings,’ her blonde friend says, looking at me sympathetically.

‘No I mean it.  He’s not gay!’

‘Yeah right,’ she scoffs.

‘Listen to me!  HE IS NOT GAY!’ I shout, just as the music comes to a standstill. 

Silence, apart from a few muttered giggles fills the room and Ryan is suddenly at my side with two more glasses of champagne.

‘Who’s not gay?’ he asks quizzically.

I feel myself sink into the floor as I wait desperately for the band to start playing music again.  After about thirty seconds, but what feels like a lifetime, they start playing again.

‘Poppy?’ he says, looking from face to face, ‘who’s not gay?’

‘Um...’ I’m starting to sweat profusely.

‘She was talking about you,’ Tabitha says, amused.

‘Me?  Well, of course I’m not gay.  Why on earth would you think that?’ he says, both amusement and embarrassment on his face. 

Without realising I’ve started to back away slowly, a sickening feeling creeping into my stomach.  Intuition’s way of letting me know something bad is coming.

‘Because she told me you were.’  She sticks her long bronzed finger out to point at me.

Ryan follows her finger and turns to me, disorientated.

‘Poppy, what the hell is she talking about?’

I’m blinded for a moment, numb and dizzy from the consequences of my own actions.

‘Um....it’s a bit of a long story...’

‘Excuse us a minute, will you ladies.’  He smiles at them as he grabs hold of my arm and begins to drag me.

‘Ow!  Ryan, you’re hurting me’ I try to protest.  He continues to drag me out of the banquet hall, ignoring my pleas.  He opens the doors to the hallway and throws me angrily against the wall.

‘What the FUCK do you think you’re doing spreading lies about me?’ he shouts outraged, pure hostile anger in his eyes. 

I’ve never been so scared in all of my life.  My whole body starts trembling and goes cold, apart from the throbbing of my arm.

‘It's not what it looks like.  It’s - ’

‘Really?  Because it looks like you’re trying to make me look like a dick,’ he spits.

‘No!  I never meant it to end like that.  I just didn’t want you with that bitch Tabitha and so – ‘

‘And so you made up a lie,’ he growls.

I flinch back from the disgust in his voice.

‘Yes.  Look, obviously now I know it was stupid, but I wasn’t thinking.  I’m sorry.’  My voice is merely a squeak. 

‘Sorry!  Sorry for what exactly?  For ruining things with Tabitha?  Or for spreading lies around the new company I’m working for?  Or for making me look like a complete dick in front of all of those people?’  His tone cuts through me, raising a lump in my throat.

‘Um...all of it!  I’m sorry, ok!’ I cry back.

‘You know what,’ he says, his lip curling up in disgust, ‘I’m sorry.  I’m sorry I ever thought you were different to all the other bitches out there.  You’re just as bad as my ex-girlfriend, although at least she was more honest and upfront with it.  What you’ve done is so sneaky and premeditated...it actually makes me sick.’

I’m stunned into silence.  My throat starts to close and my chest is tightening.   

‘But, I didn’t mean to – ‘

‘I’m not fucking interested Poppy!  Our friendship, or...whatever the fuck we were pretending to do – it's over,’ his low voice cold. 

He punches the door open and goes back into the reception. 

I collapse onto the floor, the dull aching thud on my chest almost suffocating me.  Tears start falling thick and fast as my throat starts to close up, it overwhelming me.  I run to the toilets just in time to throw up. 

There’s really nothing like crying on the tube wearing a ball gown.

‘Hey lady.  You get stood up?  I could take you out,’ a teenage boy and his friends bellow from across the carriage, smirking.  Judging me. 

‘Oh just fuck off!’ I scream. 

Not my finest hour.

I run home from the station, too upset and impatient to wait for a cab, still crying and throw as many clothes as I can into a bag. 

‘Poppy?  What's wrong?’ Izzy says, coming into the bedroom.  ‘Why are you back so early?’

‘Because I fucked up!’ I shout through the snot and tears.

‘Why?  What happened?’ she asks, alarmed.

‘I can't talk about it,’ I say as I push past her.

*                            *                            *

When I finally get to the flat I knock on the door lightly, my body feeling weak from emotion.

Jazz opens the door wearing my Minnie Mouse pyjamas, clearly not expecting company.

‘Hey Pops.  What you doing here?’  Her eyes wrinkle in confusion.

I want to answer, to tell her everything, but the only sound I can make is one of a kicked kitten.

‘Oh Pops!  What's wrong?  Come in.’

She guides me into the sitting room and I sit down on the sofa, the chiffon material of the dress making a funny noise.  It's the only sound in the awkward silence.   

‘Tea?’ she asks smiling sympathetically.

I just nod.  I feel so numb, so...nothing.

She returns a few minutes later with two cups of tea and a tray of kit kats and hob nobs. 

‘Here – drink it,’ she says, offering it to me.

I take three large mouthfuls of tea and then stuff half a kit kat in my mouth.

‘Better?’

‘Mmm,’ is all I can manage.

‘So...are you gonna tell me what happened?’  She tilts her head to one side, her eyes curious.

‘I fucked up,’ I say in a strangled voice, exhaling a big breath.

‘Babe, I’m gonna need a little more description than that.  You just turned up at half ten in a ball gown.’

‘I’m too exhausted to even tell you.’

I realise that the tears are no longer running down my face.  I’m numb.

‘Please?’ she begs.

‘I...oh God, I can't even bring myself to say it.’  I take a deep breath and try again.  ‘I did something really stupid and now Ryan hates me.’

‘Well...what did you do?’

‘I kind of....I sort of...told everyone he was gay,’ I admit reluctantly. 

‘WHAT?’

I look up at her, ready for a lecture but she’s already broken into a laugh.

‘It's not funny!’ I protest, suddenly feeling that I may also break into fits of hysteria.

‘Sorry, but it kind of is!  You told everyone he was gay and they believed you!  So funny,’ she says, doubling over again.

‘I hate myself,’ I say, suddenly too embarrassed to look at her.

‘So...why did you tell them that anyway?’

‘Well, he was going out with that Tabitha girl and she was horrible.  And she was about to seduce him and then it just kind of came out.’

‘Oh, I see!’  She bites her lip to try and hide her smile.  ‘You didn’t want this Tabitha girl around and that's why you lied.’

‘Well, she was just so horrible and I couldn’t bear for him to go out with her.’  I put my head in my hands.

‘Because you’re so in love with him,’ she states as if it's fact.

‘No I’m not!’

‘Oh really?  So it had absolutely nothing to do with him?’

‘Well...I just didn’t want him to go out with a bitch, which she so obviously was.’

‘OK Pops.  You can lie to me if it makes you feel better.’

‘Oh God!  Then tonight he found out and went mental and told me whatever was going on between us is over.’

‘Yeah, but he’ll calm down eventually,’ she says, taking a sip of her tea, as if it's no big deal.

‘No, he really won't, Jazz.  You didn’t see him.  I’ve never seen him like that before.  He actually scared me.’  I shiver at the memory.

‘Oh.’

‘And the worst thing is that it's all my fault.  And the way he said “whatever it is we had going on” it just sort of proved that I wasn’t imagining something.  There was something between us.’

‘Yeah, no shit Sherlock.’

‘And it's all ruined because of me.  Everyone at his work thinks he’s gay, it’s awful.’

The tears start falling down my face again and my body begins to tremble. 

‘Oh babe, don't get yourself upset.’

My lips wobble as I try and speak.  I can't breathe again.  The grief is coming over me again and this time I’m letting it.  I actually want to be miserable.  I want it to engulf me.  I lay down on the sofa and close my eyes.

‘And now I’ve ruined your life,’ I continue.  ‘You won’t be able to pay off your debt now.’

‘Babe, don’t worry about it,’ she sighs, sympathetically.

‘How can I not?  I’m ruining everyone’s lives.’

‘Well…’ she pouts, as if considering whether to tell me.  ‘The truth is that my debt is paid off.  My mum caved and bailed me out.’

‘What?’

I don’t understand.  Why on earth would she still be living here if she didn’t have to?

‘I didn’t want to tell you because you were almost fully back to your old self again.’

I break down into more tears.  Even my best friend thinks I’m pathetic.

‘It's funny,’ Jazz says, as she wraps me with a blanket and begins stroking my hair ‘who would have thought a month ago that I’d be the sensitive shoulder to cry on and you’d be the lunatic.’

*                            *                            *

‘Did he call?’ I say as soon as I get in a few nights later.

‘No...Sorry chick,’ she says, her head tilted to one side in sympathy as she brings over a cup of tea.

This has been our new set routine since me moving back in.  I rush home desperate to find out if he’s called, only to be told he hasn’t, and then Jazz makes me tea and biscuits.  I have a little cry and then go to bed.

‘But someone else called for you,’ she says, not meeting my eye.

‘Really, who?’ I ask uninterested. 

Probably just my mum reminding me about the wedding for the hundredth time.

‘I’m not sure if I should tell you,’ she says, dunking a hob nob into her tea, avoiding my gaze.

‘Why?  Jazz, who called?’

‘OK, but promise not to get mad.’

Who the hell could it be?

She takes a big deep breath.  ‘It was Stuart.’

‘Stuart?’

‘Yep,’ she nods.

‘Why the fuck did he call me?’ I say, anger bubbling up inside me.

What the hell does that twat want?

‘He says he desperately wants to speak to you and for you to call him back.’

‘But what for?’

‘I don't know, but he sounded pretty desperate.’

‘Great.  I’m desperate for Ryan to call and instead I get that twat hounding me.  I wonder what he wants.’

‘Dunno.  Maybe you should call him and find out.’

‘Ha!  I don't think so.  I’m depressed enough, let alone having him put me down.’

‘OK?, don't bite my head off!’

‘Sorry!  I know I’m being a bitch.  I just....oh God, I just wish life were more simple, you know.’

‘Trust me I know.’

‘It's like, when you’re growing up you dream of marrying a prince and being a stupid nurse or whatever but no-one ever stops you and tells you not to dream so big.  That you might not be a nurse because there are too many qualifications and you can't be bothered. Or that you might not find a prince.  Or you might find him and you might tell his whole office he’s gay.  Do you know what I mean?’

‘Err, sort of.’

‘Oh, maybe me and you should just elope to Vegas and be massive lesbians.’

Her eyes light up animatedly. 

‘I thought you’d never ask!’ she shouts dramatically before grabbing my face and kissing me on the lips, dragging me off the sofa.

God, she can be hilarious sometimes.

‘OK!’ I shout, throwing her off, laughing.  ‘So after we’ve become lesbians, what would we do?’

‘Duh!’ she says, as if I’m stupid.  ‘We’d buy a big butch van, get a goat and adopt a couple of albino children.  That's the dream, right?’

‘That's the dream,’ I repeat through hysterical giggles. 

‘Anyway, do you think you’ll be able to eat a dinner tonight?’

‘I don't know.  I just can't be bothered to eat.’

‘Babe, the last couple of days all you’ve eaten is cereal.’

God – even cereal reminds me of him.

‘OK, I’ll try.’

And that was the first night I was able to eat a dinner and keep it down. 

*                            *                            *

‘Hey Pops, how are you?’ Lilly says, as soon as I get to my desk.

‘OK,’ I say smiling weakly.

‘It just wasn’t meant to be, you know.’

‘Thanks for the support,’ I say sarcastically.

The last thing I want to hear is how it wasn’t meant to be.  It was meant to be, but I fucked it up.  It's my fault and people should admit it to me. 

‘You know I love you Pops.  I just think you need to move on.’

‘Yeah, I know.’ my voice threatening to break.

‘Anyway, have you heard the latest with Neville?’

‘No, what?’

‘The two temps are fighting over him!  He keeps telling them maybe he’ll go out with them and it's driving them crazy.’

Shit.  I should really speak to him and give him something else to say.  I pick up my ringing phone, seeing that it's Suzanne on reception.

‘Hey Suzanne.’

‘Hi Poppy.  Victor’s visitor is here, but there's also some animal protestors outside.  They’ve got banners and everything!’

‘What?  Why the hell are they here?’

‘Apparently they say some of our products have been tested on animals.  Do you think they are?’

‘Oh fuck, I dread to think.  This is a big meeting for Victor – he’ll go mental.  OK, don't worry – I’ll be down to sort it out.  Maybe call the police in the meantime?’

‘Yeah OK.’

‘Lilly, there are animal protestors downstairs!  Will you help me get rid of them?’

‘Normally I’d love to, but I’ve got a meeting with Hugh.’  She smiles apologetically.

Hugh?  Shit, is she going to be made redundant now?  Today?  I brace myself before going in to Victor’s office.

‘Victor, your visitor is here.’

‘Put them in the boardroom.’

‘But...there’s also a problem.  There’s some animal rights – ‘

‘Poppy, I don't have time for problems.  Today is a big day.  It's D day for redundancies.  Just sort it out.’  He dismisses me with his hands as he plays with his iPhone.

Fuck.  Today
is
redundancy day.  I was right.  Oh my God, I didn’t have time to prepare myself for this.  I was too busy worrying about myself.

When I get to reception the scene is far worse than I’d first suspected.  There must be two hundred people outside, all in brightly coloured clothes holding up banners with slogans like ‘There is no excuse for animal abuse’ and ‘Being cruel isn’t cool’. 

I welcome Brady Thomson and usher him quickly into the meeting room.  When I walk back out a few of them have actually come into reception and are bothering Suzanne, who looks terrified.

‘Hey!  What the hell are you doing in here?’ I shout in my best intimidating voice.

The tallest guy steps forward, his blonde dreadlocks down to his bum.

‘We’re here to stop animals being tested on!  You’ve got blood on your hands!’

‘Hey, look – I don't even think we do test on animals.’

‘Yes you do!’ a purple haired girl protests.

‘Look at this,’ the dreadlock guy says, handing me over a piece of paper.  It's an article in the newspaper saying that one of our companies we buy products from tests on animals.  It's there in black and white.

‘This can't be right,’ I protest.

‘It is!  And until you stop doing it you’re a murderer!  We want to speak to your CEO.’

Oh my God.  Victor is going to be coming down any minute and if he finds this he’s going to kill me. 

‘Well you can't.  The police are on their way and if you don't leave reception I’m going to have to call security.’

I don't dare tell him that we don't actually have security.

Dreadlocked guy stares at me silently for a minute.  He signals to the others and they leave.  Thank God!