The Day the Ear Fell Off (13 page)

‘Toodle-oo,’ Lily said and was gone.

‘I know. I know.’ Copper Pie could tell we were all about to lay in to him.

‘She comes over to help and you call her a keener,’ said Bee. ‘Honestly, Copper Pie, you’re rude
and
you’re stupid.’

‘Steady on, Bee. He’s not rude . . . only stupid,’ said Fifty.

‘Ha ha,’ said Copper Pie.

‘And how do you think you made Keener feel?’ Bee wasn’t giving up.

‘There’s a big difference between being
a keener
and being Keener,’ said Copper Pie.

‘Yes,’ I said. ‘There’s no
a
in Keener.’

‘OK. OK. I’m a rude, stupid . . . What did she call me?’

‘Biffer,’ said Bee, grinning.

‘What exactly is a biffer?’ I asked.

‘Someone who biffs,’ said Bee.

‘Fine,’ said Copper Pie. ‘I’m a rude and stupid biffer. Satisfied?’

We all looked at each other . . . and nodded.

In English, we had to write scripts of conversations the things in our bedroom have when we’re not there. I like doing things like that. I chose my bookcase, my hammock
and my Deathmobile and gave them names and personalities. The bookcase was called Burp because it’s too full and is always spitting out books. I called the hammock Sway (no need to explain
that) and made it a daydreamer and Deathmobile was a simple killing machine – Death for short. I’d nearly finished the part where they admit how jealous they are of each other (Burp
wanted to be empty, Sway wanted to be full because she can’t sway without anyone lying in her and Death wanted to be liked) when Miss Walsh told us to pack up for afternoon break.

Because I wanted to finish it, I was the last one left in the classroom, apart from Lily. She repeated word for word what I’d told her to say to Miss Walsh. I waited, without breathing
(but not in the I’m-going-to-faint way – I don’t do that any more).

‘That’s very generous of you, Lily. I’m sure there are plenty of candidates for the job. And with the playground remodelling coming up, the school council has got an important
job to do . . .’
Great!

‘. . . but I think we should give the class a chance to decide who takes your place.’
Not so great.

‘We’ll talk about it in PSHE, last lesson.’

(PSHE is when you get to talk about non-school stuff like global warming and putting your hands over your mouth when you cough. I can’t remember what the letters stand for.)

There was no need to hear any more. I shoved my books in my desk, ran out of the door, down the stairs and out through the back to our soon-to-be-flattened territory.

‘Emergency,’ I announced. ‘Council election in PSHE, last lesson.’

‘No way,’ said Fifty. ‘What shall we do?’

‘Well, we make five votes,’ said Bee. ‘Let’s collect some more.’

‘Who are we voting for again?’ asked Copper Pie.

‘Jonno,’ I said. ‘Because he’s new and no one’s got a reason to not want him.’

‘Except Callum,’ said Jonno.

‘But he’s only one person. And he won’t know the election’s on until it’s too late for him to ruin it,’ said Bee. ‘Come on, let’s round up some
support.’

Afternoon break is short. I watched Bee and Copper Pie whizzing about. Jonno stayed where he was, studying the scrub and old wood that covers the floor under the trees. I
don’t think he wanted to have to ask people to vote for him so he was let off. I went with Fifty and let him do the talking.

‘Hi, Ed,’ he said, with one of his ‘special’ smiles. ‘Lily doesn’t want to be on the school council any more so we’re electing a new member this
afternoon. I wondered if you’d vote for Jonno Lock because he’s new, which means he has fresh ideas.’

Well done, Fifty.

‘OK,’ said Ed. ‘Do you think he could try and get the Head to let us have our packed lunches in the playground?’

‘Sure,’ I said, thinking,
We’ll worry about that later.

We were going to ask someone else but we couldn’t decide who, so we copped out by going to talk to Lily, who we knew would vote for Jonno anyway. The others could get the rest.

hands up for Jonno

‘Right. Today we’re going to discuss why exercise is —’

‘Please, Miss —’ Alice asks questions
all
the time. Everyone groaned.

‘No questions, Alice. All will be explained if you listen. We’re going to discuss why exercise is so important.’

‘Because otherwise you get fat, Miss,’ shouted Callum’s best friend, Jamie.

‘Like Harry,’ said someone from behind me.

‘Who said that?’ said Miss Walsh, retying the messy bun on the back of her head. She does that a hundred times a day.

No answer.

Harry’s hand went up. ‘Miss.’

‘Yes, Harry.’

‘My mum says it’s puppy fat.’

‘Well, she should stop feeding you it,’ said Copper Pie.

Bee snorted but thankfully loads of other kids started laughing too or she’d have been for it.

‘Class, that’s enough. No calling out. No questions. We’re going to discuss the benefits of exercise – but first we have a job to do. Lily has resigned from the school
council so there is an opportunity for someone else to get involved. Would anyone like to suggest a candidate?’

Alice’s hand shot up.

‘But obviously you mustn’t put yourself forward.’

Alice’s hand dropped.

Bee had her hand straight up in the air, waiting patiently.

‘Yes, Bee?’

‘I’d like to suggest Jonno, Miss.’

Miss Walsh wrote
Jonno
on the board. Callum nudged Jamie, his dozy deputy, who woke up, waved his arm and shouted, ‘Callum.’

‘Jamie, shall we try that again?’

Jamie waved his hand and shouted ‘Callum’ even louder.

I giggled, and so did Copper Pie.

‘No, Jamie. You put your hand up and keep it
still
, and then you wait for me to either ask you or look at you and
then
you speak because that means it’s your
turn.’

Jamie stopped waving. Miss Walsh looked at him – nothing. She nodded at him – he nodded back.

She sighed, wrote
Callum
on the board and drew a line between the two names.

‘Good. Any more nominations or is it Jonno versus Callum?’

Silence.

‘You can put your hand down now, Jamie.’

‘Callum,’ he shouted.

That was too much – the whole class collapsed and even Miss Walsh couldn’t stop a few laughing noises escaping from her tightly pressed together teacher’s lips.

‘OK. Can I ask the two hopefuls to pop up to the front here? Fantastic. Now then, would either of you like to say anything about why you’d like to be on the council?’

‘I will, Miss,’ said Jonno.

‘Go ahead then, Jonno.’

Jonno gave a little cough, pushed his glasses up his nose a bit and ran his hand through his massive mop. Each hair sprang back to exactly where it was in the first place.

‘As you know, I’m new here. In some ways that’s a bad thing because I don’t know everything about the school, but in another way it could be a good thing. If I was lucky
enough to be on the school council, I would be able to bring a fresh pair of eyes, in fact, four of them . . .’ He opened his eyes really wide to make the point.

Lots of laughter.

Way to go, Jonno,
I thought.

‘. . . to the issues that the council is asked to discuss. Also I’ve been to six schools so I can tell what worked and what didn’t in other schools. And lastly, I think it
would help me to settle in if I had a proper role to perform and I would be very proud to do so. Thank you.’

CLAP CLAP ROAR STAMP STAMP.

They loved it. He sounded like a real politician. It was in the bag.

‘And from you, Callum?’

‘If I’m elected, I will make the school better for
all
the children in it by understanding what they want and helping them get it.’ He paused. ‘What I
won’t
do is only look out for me and my friends.’

‘Thank you, Callum’ said Miss Walsh, obviously a bit puzzled by what he’d said.

‘Right, children. You have one vote only which is cast by raising your hand high above your head so I can easily count. Clear? Good. Votes for Jonno then, please.’

A look went round the Tribers like a Chinese whisper. Bee started it with a Callum-is-so-over face, but by the time it got round to me it had changed into a
something’s-gone-wrong-but-we-don’t-know-what face.

There were loads of hands but in the middle of them, standing up, was Callum’s dozy deputy, Jamie. ‘Miss, there’s something you don’t know.’

I didn’t panic. I mean, what was there to know?

‘Jonno’s friends have been bribing and threatening people in the class to get them to vote for him.’

Liar. Liar. Pants on fire.

He wasn’t going to get away with that.
Someone say something.

‘That’s a very serious accusation, Jamie. Jonno, is there any truth in it?’

Jonno looked shocked. ‘No, Miss. I haven’t asked anyone to vote for me.’

‘Do any of Jonno’s friends have anything to say?’ It sounded like we were being tried in court.

‘Yes, me,’ said Fifty. ‘Keener and I asked Ed and Lily, but we didn’t threaten them or bribe them.’

Surely a promise about outside lunches didn’t count as bribery?

Ed and Lily confirmed Fifty’s statement.
Phew!

‘So perhaps I should be asking
you
what happened, Jamie?’ said Miss Walsh.

He looked at Callum and then back at Miss Walsh. I tried to catch Copper Pie’s eye but he was busy looking at Bee.

Even though I knew we hadn’t done anything wrong, I felt uncomfortable.
Why didn’t Miss Walsh send Callum and his cronies to the Head and get on with crowning Jonno and then we
could get on with working out how to persuade the school council to keep the trees.

‘Copper Pie said the football team would lose their places if they didn’t vote for Jonno,’ the dozy deputy said.

Clearly not true.

‘And Bee said if we voted for Jonno, we could have a girls-only section in the playground,’ said Alice.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I waited for Bee and Copper Pie to stand up and declare them all filthy liars.

They didn’t.

‘Is this true, Bee?’ Miss Walsh walked over to Bee’s desk.

Bee screwed up her face. ‘Sort of.’

Oh help!

Miss Walsh walked over to Copper Pie’s desk, very slowly.

‘Well?’ she said.

‘It’s true but not right,’ he said, whatever that means.

‘This is extremely disappointing. Fixing the result of an election is a serious offence. Bee! Copper Pie! Off to the Head’s office, I’ll follow you. Class, PSHE is cancelled. I
want you all to remain in your seats and read your reading books in complete silence.’

I got my book out and stared at the pages but couldn’t read a single word. Talk about a mess. I felt sick. Sick because we’d ruined our chances on the school council and that meant
no chance of saving our patch but more sick because we’re Tribers and that means we don’t lie and bribe and threaten. I thought we all understood that. What did Bee and Copper Pie think
they were doing? It was like finding out that all my lovely Christmas presents hadn’t come from Santa’s workshop, they’d been stolen from children in an orphanage.

a pig’s breakfast

After school, Jonno said he was going to wait for Bee and Copper Pie to find out what punishment the Head had given, but I pretended I had to hurry home. I didn’t
want
to see them. I didn’t
want
to know. I was angry with my stupid friends for making us all look bad. I didn’t
want
to get Jonno elected either, if it meant
we’d bullied people into it. If Jonno had tried to get votes rather than mucking about in the dirt under the trees, I bet he could have stopped the others from doing what they did. That
thought made me cross with
him
too.

‘Are you coming, Fifty?’

I could tell he couldn’t decide whether to let me go off in a mood or tag along. He tagged along.

‘What do you make of all that, then?’ I asked him.

‘A pig’s breakfast. We’ll have to find some other way of stopping the Head from stealing Tribe land for food production.’

‘What?’

‘I said we’ll have to —’

‘I heard you. I just couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Don’t you feel a bit . . . let down by the others? I mean Copper Pie threatened the entire football team. That
wasn’t the idea.’

‘Well, at least he tried to get votes. We didn’t, did we?’

‘But Fifty. We’re Tribe. We’re meant to get on with people, not cheat them. We’ve got that rolled up paper of Bee’s where she wrote all the good things Tribe were
going to do.’

‘It’s just a name, Keener. We’re five kids trying to have some fun. That’s all. Don’t get so worked up.’

I was so livid I could hardly speak.

‘It’s not just a name,’ I spat out. ‘We deliberately chose to be Tribe rather than a gang because people think gangs are bad. And remember what we talked about? Did it
include lying and cheating?’

‘No, Keener, it didn’t. Look, I’m sorry, but I’m not that bothered – so they made some stuff up. Who cares?’

What was happening? I didn’t want to fall out with
all
my friends.

I started to kick a stone. It was safer than carrying on the conversation.

‘Look, do you want to come to mine?’ asked Fifty.

I wasn’t sure I wanted to, but going home didn’t seem any better.