The Day of the Iguana (10 page)

7. Hank buzzes downstairs to signal Frankie that the coast is clear. Frankie brings the cable guy up.

8. The cable guy installs the new box.

9. When he leaves, Ashley calls Robert to tell him to release Mr. Zipzer.

10. Ashley, Frankie, and Robert go home for dinner. Hank watches the nightly news with his dad. Hank acts like nothing happened.

Now I ask you, is this a thing of beauty or not?

OUR PLAN COULDN'T have started out any better. My dad walked us home from school and we took our positions. Robert went to his apartment. Frankie waited out front. He had a Spaulding high bounce with him, to help him pass the time. Ashley and I went to my apartment and had some cookies and milk. The cookies and milk part wasn't in the plan, but when you're doing battle, you have to eat to keep your energy up.

Emily was out of our hair. She went right into my bedroom to be with Katherine, who was sitting on her nest looking a little more disgusting than usual.

At four fourteen P.M. the buzzer rang.

Bzzzzzz
. It only rang once. What was wrong with Frankie? He was supposed to buzz three times.

“Maybe he forgot the signal,” Ashley said.

Meanwhile, Cheerio, who believes that buzzer is out to get him, started to bark and chase his tail.

“Calm yourself, boy,” I said. I really love Cheerio, but right now, there was no room in this plan for a psycho dog.

Bzzzzz.
The buzzer rang again. We waited for the third ring. Instead I heard my neighbor, Mrs. Fink, on the intercom.

“Hankie, sweetheart, I just got back from the skin doctor. I have such a rash, you should see it. Anyway, I forgot my key. Could you buzz me in?”

“Sure, Mrs. Fink. I hope your rash doesn't spread,” I said.

I buzzed her in quickly. This is exactly the kind of unexpected event that can make your stomach do flips all over your body. I wondered if George Washington had a lady with a rash bothering him when he was trying to cross the Delaware. I don't think so.

Ashley and I sat down to wait some more.

At four thirty-one, the buzzer rang.

Bzzzz. Bzzzz. Bzzzz.
Three rings!

Ashley dialed Robert's number.

“It's a go,” she said.

One minute later, Robert was at our door. I was waiting for him.

“He's in the kitchen,” I whispered. “And Robert, we're counting on you.”

“I've been training for this moment for years,” Robert said.

Robert hurried past me and I followed him into the kitchen.

“How ya doin', Mr. Z,” he said to my dad. “This is some weather we're having, huh?”

I motioned for Robert to hurry. He had a little part in this. He didn't have to turn it into a starring role.

“Actually, I was wondering if you would mind coming to my apartment for fifteen ... I mean ... a few minutes,” Robert said. “I have to create a crossword puzzle for school, and I'm stuck. It's really good up to seven down but then I don't know where to go.”

I started to cough to cut him off. As a matter of fact, I had a seizure. Robert looked over at me and I told him with my eyes to wrap it up.

“No one knows crossword puzzles like you do, Mr. Z.,” he said. “So could you come help me?”

My dad looked like he had been asked to the wizards' ball. He couldn't have been happier.

“Hank, are you okay if I pop downstairs to Robert's?” he asked.

“I'm fine, Dad. Take your time. Really. It's just great that you're willing to lend this little guy a helping hand.”

The minute they were out the door, I pressed the buzzer three times and spoke into the intercom.

“All clear, Frankie,” I said.

“It's about time,” he said. “I'm running out of conversation with Mr. Cable.”

I waited by the elevator door. When it opened, Frankie came out, followed by the cable guy. He had a ponytail and was wearing a blue uniform with his name, TOM, embroidered over his shirt pocket. He was carrying a new cable box in his hand. What a beautiful sight!

“Right this way,” I said, showing him into the living room. The moment Cheerio saw Tom, he attacked his ankles and started chewing on his pant legs. In Cheerio language, this is a sign of true love. He only does that to people he really likes, such as Papa Pete.

Tom didn't mind. In fact, he laughed. He reached down to pet Cheerio, and my little dog rolled over on his back for Tom to scratch his stomach. It was a total love fest.

“Sir, I hate to break this up,” I said, “but we're kind of in a hurry.” I pointed to the cable box in Tom's hand. I was trying not to be rude.

“You kids have money to pay for this?” Tom asked.

Ashley handed him an envelope with cash. We had all pooled our money and I got the last five dollars out of Emily. I had to make a few small threats, but eventually she came through.

“Fifty-eight dollars and forty cents exactly,” Ashley said.

Tom took his clipboard and started to write out a receipt. This was eating up valuable time.

“Would it be okay if you start installing the box now?” I asked Tom.

“You guys must be planning to watch something special on the Cartoon Network,” he said, as he attached the new cables to the back of our TV. “Personally, I like the old cartoons. That Tweety Bird cracks me up.
I tot
I
taw a puddy
cat. Yeah, that's great stuff. Now Woody Woodpecker—he's one irritating bird.”

Tom seemed like a really nice guy. I would have liked to continue the conversation, but this wasn't the time or place. I didn't trust Robert to keep my father busy for long.

“Now if you'll just give me your old box, I'll be on my way,” Tom said when he was finished.

“We don't have an old box,” Ashley said.

Tom picked up his clipboard and looked over a sheet of yellow paper on the top. “Says here you do,” he answered. “The company wants it back or I have to charge you twenty-five dollars more. Company policy.”

“But we don't have any more money,” I said.

Tom started unscrewing the cable box.

“Wait,” I said. “Listen, Tom, you seem like a nice guy. Can I trust you with a secret?”

“Depends,” he said.

I motioned for him to follow me. I led him to the door of my room. Emily was sitting on the floor next to Katherine.

“There's the cable box,” I said. “My sister's pet iguana laid eggs in it. If you take it now, you'll be interrupting the life cycle of forty-five adorable baby iguanas waiting to be born. You wouldn't want to do that, would you?”

“Heck, no!” said Tom. “Did you know you're talking to a charter member of the S.P.P.I.?”

“I had no idea,” I answered. “What's the S.P.P.I.?”

“The Society for the Protection and Preservation of Iguanas,” he said. “I've been raising iggies since I was your age.”

Frankie, Ashley, and I almost fainted. This was too good to be true.

“Do you mind if I have a look at your iggie?” Tom said.

“Watch out,” I warned. “She's in a nasty mood.”

“You would be too if you just laid forty-five eggs,” Emily said.

Tom scooted over next to Katherine, and started talking to her in a soft voice. “Hi, sugar,” he said. “You're a good iggie.” Slowly, he edged closer and closer to her. The funny thing is, Katherine didn't hiss at him. In fact, she kind of closed her eyes like she was falling asleep. Tom touched her head, and stroked her along the side of her belly. Then gently, he picked her up off the nest.

“Just as I thought,” he whispered. “Take a look.”

We looked down into Katherine's nest. We saw my father's underpants, and mine, too. We saw the cotton balls and the toilet paper and my mom's slipper. But there wasn't an egg to be seen. Not one.

“There's nothing in there!” Emily said.

“Exactly,” Tom said.

“Katherine, girlfriend, you are one big fake,” Frankie said.

“You mean she wasn't even pregnant?” asked Emily.

“Oh she was pregnant, all right,” said Tom. “Two or three months ago.”

Three months ago! That was when we went to Niagara Falls and left Katherine at Pets for U and Me. This was starting to make sense!

“You see,” Tom went on, “iguanas don't sit on their eggs. After they lay them, they leave and go somewhere soft and comfortable to recover.”

“Like to a cable box with underwear in it?” I said.

“Exactly,” Tom answered. “She was just resting up in there from the hard work of laying her eggs.”

“But if the eggs aren't in there, then where are they?” Ashley asked.

“Good question,” Tom said. “She's hidden them around here somewhere.”

My stomach did a triple flip this time. Maybe we accidentally fried her eggs and ate them for breakfast. Or maybe they were in my toothbrush and I swallowed them when I rinsed. Eeeeuuuuuwww. I hope not. Maybe ...

My thoughts were interrupted by a sound I didn't like. It was footsteps, coming into our apartment, down the hall, and into my room. I looked u
^p
.

“Dad!” I said in a shocked voice. “What are you doing here?”

MY FATHER LOOKED AROUND, and I can tell you this, he didn't like what he saw. And that just might be the understatement of the century.

“Who are you?” he said to Tom.

“I'm the cable guy, sir,” said Tom.

“He's also a charter member of the Society for the Protection and Preservation of Iguanas,” said Emily.

“I'm sure that's a very worthy organization,” said my father, turning to Tom, “but may I ask why you are in my apartment?”

“Actually, we called him,” said Robert, who had just come panting into the room.

“Robert,” I said. “You were supposed to keep my dad away for fifteen minutes.”

“I couldn't help it,” said Robert. “He came back for his mechanical pencil. He said he can't do crosswords without it.”

“Hank, you have a lot of explaining to do,” said my father.

“Maybe I should be going,” Tom said.

“That's a good idea,” answered my father. “Hank, come with me.” He turned to Tom. “What do I owe you for the service call?”

“Nothing,” answered Tom. “The kids took care of it.”

My father nodded and walked into the living room. I followed him.

“What's the meaning of this?” he said.

“I'm going to explain everything, Dad. I promise. You remember when we had that nice talk about Thomas Edison and what a cool inventor he was?”

“Cut to the chase, Hank,” my father said.

“Well, young Thomas must have taken apart plenty of things before he invented the lightbulb. And I bet he couldn't put all of them back together, either.”

“Such as a cable box,” my dad said.

“Good, Dad. You're following right along. That's excellent.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Tom making his way to the front door. He probably thought he had wandered into a family of lunatics.

“So you called the cable company to replace the box you broke,” my dad said. “And I assume you weren't planning on telling me any of this.”

“Excellent, Dad. I admire your problem-solving skills.”

My dad was so mad his eyes were spinning around in his head, like those guys who slam into mountains in Road Runner cartoons.

“Actually, we could have fixed it, Mr. Z, but then Katherine laid eggs in it,” Robert said. He and the others had joined me in the living room-for moral support, I guess.

“That is, we thought she laid eggs in it,” Ashley said.

“Turns out, she laid them somewhere else,” Emily said.

“We just don't know where,” Frankie added.

“Now we do.” It was Tom, bent over the potted palm tree next to the front door of our apartment. “Here they are!”

We all bolted over to take a look. A clump of soft brownish eggs was half buried in the dirt around the tree. There weren't forty-five of them, but there were a lot.

“Look, Dad,” I whispered. “Katherine's babies.”

“Hank, if you think this is going to get you out of the hot water you're in, you have a lot to learn, young man.”

“Excuse me, sir,” whispered Tom. “The first one is being born. Maybe you'd like to watch.”

We gathered around. It was truly unbelievable. A tiny iguana was chewing his way out one of the eggs. We saw his snout first and then out popped his little face. He blinked and looked around. He seemed to be looking right at me. I couldn't believe that I was the first face he ever saw.

“Hi, little guy,” I said. He was so cute. He was more than cute. He was spectacular.

“This is a miracle,” Emily said. She had tears in her eyes.

We all did. Even me.

1. Cable boxes or anything having to do with them.

2. Punishments, or anything having to do with them.

3. Anything having to do with anything other than iguana birth.

4.

5.

6.

You know what? I can't concentrate on this list right now. There are baby iguanas being born as I write this. It is so exciting, I don't even understand why you're reading this list. Trust me. Hurry up and skip to the next chapter.