The Darkness of Perfection (6 page)

My mom was one of the bravest and smartest people I knew, but she didn’t understand the pressure I was under. College was so hard on so many levels. I’d been here two weeks and I still didn’t really know anyone. My roommate stayed with her boyfriend more times than not at his apartment across town, and my classes were filled with teens going wild with their first taste of freedom from parental rules and curfews. I had a few people I talked to in class, but making friends was always a slow process for me. It took me a long time to open up, but once I did then everything was fine. It was just going to take a while.

“JJ, talk to me, sweetie,” Mom coaxed. “What are you really upset about?”

I didn’t want to tell her I was still having nightmares and that I occasionally got a creepy feeling like someone was watching me. I didn’t want to tell her I thought someone had been in my room. Nothing was taken and it could easily have been my roommate just moving things around. That would only make her worry needlessly, so I stuck to my school problems.

“I’m not cut out for this, Momma. It’s too hard. I thought this was what I wanted; to leave home, be a grown-up, and make it on my own without you or Dad being my safety net,” I confessed. “But I’m not strong. I’m not a grown-up. I’m just a stupid country mouse and I have no business being here. I should’ve stayed home and gone to school with Kevin and my friends. I wanna come home. Will you come get me?” I cried.

“Jayden Ann White!” she scolded. “Now you listen to me. You’re not stupid. You are so incredibly beautiful and smart. You’re just in a new situation and it’s going to take some time to find your way.”

I could almost feel her arms holding me, sheltering me from the world like she’d done every day of my life. I could feel her love flowing through the phone. “I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but going away to school was the best thing for you. You needed this to help you discover who you are.

You’re so strong, Jayden. Look at everything you’ve accomplished through the years. You were valedictorian. You earned a scholarship to college. You have so many friends who love you.”

“I know, but it’s just so hard.”

There was a shuddering sigh before she continued softly. “Jayden, you’ve overcome so much. Not many people could survive what you have. Only someone with your strength could do it. Never give up on yourself and never let anyone, including you, make you feel small and weak. We love you and you know if you really needed to come home we’d be there in a heartbeat, but you don’t. You’ve just had a bad day and you’re homesick. The holidays will be here before you know it and you can come home. Then you and I can visit over hot chocolate and decorate the house and bake lots of sweets.

Your friends will be home, too, and you can spend time with them reconnecting. You can do this.”

“Fine,” I answered, resigned but still unconvinced.

When she spoke again, she sounded a little exasperated. “JJ, I love you and I know you’re homesick and upset, but you can’t let one bad grade or bad day destroy you. You and I are going to stay on this phone and work this out together. Now, let’s go over all the things you’re upset about and work on solutions together, starting with that test. What can you do about it?”

We stayed on the phone hashing everything out until I felt better about school and being away from home. I had my solutions, now I just had to put them into practice. I walked back to my dorm feeling less miserable than before. I entered the lobby of my dorm and stopped to see if anything interesting was posted on the bulletin board.

“Hey.”

I turned and saw the RA beckoning me. I had only spoken to him on move-in day when he gave me the key to my room, and my welcome packet. I’d seen him a few times in passing since then, but other than a brief nod of acknowledgement, that had been it. He was nice looking with hazel eyes and brown hair. He was tall and slender, and tended to dress in t-shirts and baggy plaid shorts, completing the typical college boy look with flip-flops and a stained and torn baseball cap.

“Me?”

“Yeah, it’s Jayden right? Room 253?” he asked.

“Is something wrong?” I responded, confused.

He smiled and shook his head. “Nah, no problem.” He bent over and picked up a box sitting on the floor behind his desk. “A package was delivered for you.”

I took the box from him, grinning widely when I saw the return address. “It’s from my mom and dad.”

“I figured as much. A lot of care packages come in during the first couple of months. Helps with homesickness. My name’s Stephen, by the way,” he offered.

“Thanks again,” I said, and turned away to head back to my room.

“Hey, before you go,” he called out.

I stopped and turned back expectantly, waiting for him to continue. He tugged at his cap nervously and grabbed a colored piece of paper off the desk, holding it out for me to take.

“There’s a mixer at The Hall tomorrow night; kind of a way for everyone to get to know people.

You’re probably not familiar with it since you’re new and all, but it’s got good food and they have a live band on Saturday nights.” He paused to take a breath and winked at me. “I could give you a ride if you like. It’s not far, about a fifteen-minute drive.”

I took the flyer from him and glanced over it, seeing the directions mapped out in the bottom corner.

This was one of those things Mom and I talked about, getting involved and making the effort to meet people. He seemed harmless, but I wasn’t comfortable riding with someone I didn’t know yet. What if he drank and I couldn’t get back? It’s not like I knew anyone well enough to ask for a ride back.

“I have some stuff to do in the afternoon, but could I meet you there instead?” I offered a warm smile, letting him know I wasn’t blowing him off, I was just being cautious, which he returned in kind.

“Sure, no sweat. I’ll see you there.”

It was raining and my thin nightgown clung to my legs, impeding my movement. The ground was
cold and hard beneath my bare feet. I could hear the alarms screaming in the dark all around me; the
shrill sound piercing my ears, drowning out the sound of my pounding heart and frantic breath as I
ran. Spotlights were sweeping the area and I knewit was important to stay out of their path.

I crawled low on the ground, crying out when the barbed wire on the fence tangled in my hair and dug into the back of my neck. I heard the dogs as they searched for my scent and the unmistakable howls when they picked up my trail from the blood oozing from the cuts and thorns in my feet.

My feet were on fire and I knewmy only hope was to find somewhere safe to hide and hope the dogs didn’t find me. My fear of those dogs and what they were capable of gave me the extra push I needed to keep moving. I don’t know what terrified me more in that moment: the thought of those canine teeth tearing at my flesh or facing his wrath if he got to me first.

I woke with a start and sat up in bed, my heart racing from my nightmare, and stared into the dark, trying to make out my surroundings. I panicked, my mind still in that dark place in my head until I recognized my dorm room and heard my roommate snoring in the bed across from me.

I huffed and rolled over, annoyed by my silly behavior, and flipped my pillow so the cooler side was against my cheek. I looked over to my desk beside my bed, and even though it was too dark to make out, I knew the photograph sitting on top of it. I shifted the frame so it faced me and thought about how much I missed my family and wanted the security of my parents watching over me, even if it was only symbolic. Grazing my finger gently over the smooth glass, I smiled as I vividly recalled when this photo was taken. It was the first day of the family summer vacation. I smiled when I thought of Kevin being my ‘little brother.’ He was just over six feet tall, whereas I barely reach five foot seven standing on my tiptoes, but he was two months younger than I was, and I wouldn’t let him forget it.

I took several deep cleansing breaths to calm my racing heart and slowly lay back down, pulling my blankets to my chin and closing my eyes as I willed myself to think about anything besides my dream. Those memories had long since been buried and forgotten. I hadn’t thought about my early life in years, and didn’t know why the memories were coming back now.

It was doubtful I’d ever get over my fear of dark, small places though. I don’t know where the fear

came from, only that it was a very real place buried somewhere in my subconscious with the rest of my bad memories, and that’s where I wanted them to stay. I was afraid if I ever allowed myself to look too closely, I would forever lose who I’d become.

As I lay there calming my nerves, there was a flash of light in the window seconds before the rumbling of thunder echoed through the room. I shuddered and burrowed deeper under the blankets, hiding from the storm. I loved the clean smell in the air after a summer rain, like a new beginning, but I hated that it took a storm to get there, and a storm was definitely coming.

Staring up at her building, a flash of lightning lit the sky and highlighted the window to her dorm.

The crack of loud thunder immediately followed. A long line of thunderstorms had been hanging over the city for the past few days, swelling rivers that threatened to spill over their banks, and the weather station had issued a flash flood warning just this afternoon.

I pictured Jayden lying in her bed, her hair spread across her pillows, and wondered if she was still afraid of thunderstorms or if she’d grown out of the childish fear.

I adjusted my hat on my head and pulled up my collar as the first raindrops began falling, and took a sip of the cooled black coffee in my Styrofoam cup. Well, that’s what I thought it was when I purchased it at the gas station. I could probably fix a hole in a tire or patch a leaky roof with this sludge. Grimacing at the bitter taste that hit my tongue, I poured the contents onto the wet street.

Two sets of heavy footsteps approached me as I leaned against the hood of the rental SUV. I waited for my companions to speak, my eyes never leaving the window.

“It’ll be easy enough to get through the lock on her door. The problem is the roommate is there again and the RA is still up wandering around. We’ll need to find another way. Sorry, Sir, I know you were hoping to have her home tonight,” Antonio offered with a shrug. “Now can we get the hell out of here before it starts pouring again?”

I contemplated my options, knowing this really was the best place from which to take her. Her dorm room was at the end of the hall next to a stairwell that faced the parking lot. A roommate who couldn’t make up her mind where she slept at night, an overzealous punk drunk with his first taste of power as the dorm’s resident advisor, and a simple deadbolt lock were all that stood between us tonight.

We could circumvent the lock and wait out the RA, but the roommate was the real problem. If she woke before I got Jayden safely away from the dorm, she could raise the alarm. If I took the time to drug the roommate, Jayden might wake. Either way, it was too risky to try for her tonight. I would have to wait another day.

Her mother was smarter than we gave her credit for. She’d thrown us off track by leaving evidence behind that she was headed to Missouri, so no one would suspect she and Jayden were tucked away in a little town in Colorado with the same name, making it impossible to grab her over the summer. With a population of less than two thousand, strangers tended to stick out and be remembered by the nosey busybodies. Snatching her from that small town would raise too many suspicions and her mother would suspect it was me. From a large college in a city of over three-hundred-thousand it would appear more like a random act and I’d had enough of her interference in mine and Jayden’s lives.