The Darkness of Perfection (4 page)

Age eighteen

“… so take the lessons you’ve learned and never forget the journey that brought you here as you move on to the next stage of life. Some of us will be going to college near or far away, while others will protect our nation. Just remember, no matter what life brings you, our families and these years we’ve spent learning and growing are the foundations of our strength we can draw from and Springfield will always be our home and our safe place to come back to. Thank you.”

I smiled my thanks for the polite applause and stepped away from the podium to take my seat again. Kevin leaned forward from the row behind me and squeezed my shoulder in support. I turned and smiled my thanks.

“Good job, sis. Your mom is probably bawling her eyes out now,” he snorted. “This is going to be worse than eighth grade graduation.”

“Then I guess I can depend on you to provide the comic relief, as usual,” I smirked.

“What else?” he winked and sat back in his seat.

I turned my attention back to the stage to listen to the principal’s speech, but my mind began to drift.

Kevin was probably right about Mom. Every milestone as far back as I could remember made her cry.

I think we had the sappiest Mom of all our friends.

I was heading off to college in just a couple of months. It would be the first time I’d left our small town since we moved here when I was a kid. I was finally going to spread my wings and soar with the eagles. I applied to colleges everywhere, even Hawaii, and had actually been accepted to school in Colorado, Kansas and Texas. Mom and Dad were dead-set against Texas, so I chose Kansas.

It wasn’t that Springfield was a bad place to live. It was actually very nice. The town was quaint, but you couldn’t get away with anything; not that I ever tried, because your parents found out before you even made it home. I had great parents, an annoying brother, and wonderful friends. I loved my life, but I wanted more.

I wanted to make a difference in the world.

“Come on. I’ll race you. The winner gets to decide what we do tomorrow,” Kevin announced.

Our parents booked a cruise for our summer vacation and Kevin and I were arguing about the activities we could choose from when we docked at the first port. I wanted to shop and he wanted to swim with sharks. His suggestion that we split up and each do our own thing was met with firm opposition from our parents. They insisted we work out a compromise of some sort and make a decision before dinner.

Kevin and I left them in the dining room talking with another couple from Colorado they’d met during lunch. We were headed to the pool.

“Why don’t I just push you over the rail and you can swim with the sharks now and I can still go shopping tomorrow,” I suggested, shoving him to the side playfully.

“Ha! Like your scrawny ass could push me over,” he barked. He kissed each of his biceps, showing off his muscles. “You may as well just give up now.”

“You’re such a jerk sometimes.” I rolled my eyes at him. “I am not swimming with sharks, Kevin.

Forget it,” I huffed.

“Then I suggest you win.” He halted in his tracks and dropped into a starting crouch. “Go!”

He took off before my brain registered what he was doing and I immediately ran after him. “Hey, you ass! That’s not fair!” I yelled.

“Too bad!” he yelled back at me, laughing. “Catch me if you can!”

I rounded the corner of the deck. We were both laughing and throwing insults at each other, enjoying our mismatched race. We both knew even if I had a head start, he would win. Kevin was a running back for the football team and won state in track. I sat in the stand and cheered him on. He would slow down just enough that I would get close, then stretch ahead of me again, laughing at me for being slow. I lengthened my stride as far as I could. I was not swimming with sharks.

A door swung open into our path, which Kevin easily skirted around without missing a step. Years of playing football made dodging obstacles second nature.

I wasn’t so lucky, plowing headfirst into the man coming out. He was built like a brick house and only took a half-step back to brace himself. On the other hand, I stumbled backward, falling over my feet trying to right myself.

“Whoa, where’s the fire?” the stranger chuckled. Strong hands grabbed my waist to keep me from falling, holding me tightly against his firm chest.

“You’ll never catch me now, JJ,” Kevin shouted, laughing as he got farther ahead.

“I’m so sorry, Sir,” I gushed, flashing him an apologetic smile. “I didn’t mean to run into you. My idiot brother challenged me to a race and I couldn’t stop in time.”

His hands tightened around my waist, holding me close and steadying me. I was momentarily frozen as I looked up into the coldest, crystal blue eyes I’d ever seen staring down at me. He was taller than Kevin by at least four inches, with broad shoulders, and a wide solid chest. His long muscular legs were encased in jeans and boots, completely out of place on a cruise where everyone else was dressed in shorts. His wavy light brown hair was streaked through with blond like he spent a lot of time outdoors. He was very handsome except for his cold stare and the severe set of his jaw.

Staring into his eyes made my chest tighten and my heart race, but it didn’t seem to come from only a sense of attraction. There was more behind my body’s reaction to him, something I knew instinctively I didn’t want to examine too closely.

He seemed almost reluctant to release me as I steadied myself and attempted to disentangle myself from him. There was a brief flicker of something undefined in his expression before the spell was broken by my brother.

“JJ, come on,” Kevin shouted again. He was already to the end of the deck, waiting impatiently for me to catch up.

“No harm, no foul,” he said, and then studied me, seemingly searching for something specific.

His hand slid up my back and I felt his thumb stroke over the old puckered scar on the back of my neck. My breath hitched and, despite the heat, I suddenly felt cold. My eyes darted to the three men standing with him. I knew I was being silly; I couldn’t explain the disquiet that settled over me, but I no longer felt safe.

“Your name’s JJ? That’s an unusual name for a girl. Did your father want a boy?” he quizzed as he released me, his hands dropping to his sides.

“No, it’s short for Jayden,” I offered, quietly. My only thought was to end this encounter quickly and I stepped around him. I glared at Kevin bouncing impatiently on the balls of his feet. “Please excuse me,” I mumbled, refusing to meet his gaze again. “My brother’s waiting.”

I ran away from him, refusing to acknowledge the flicker of fear that brief touch had awakened in me.

That scar was from a past I didn’t remember and didn’t want to remember. Instinctively I knew my self-imposed amnesia was to protect myself from whatever Mom and I had run away from. She never talked about where we came from and I was too young when we left to remember what happened before the accident.

As far as she was concerned, our life began on the side of that road when a fireman took us into his home and into his heart.

My nightmares began that night. I didn’t want to worry my family so I blamed it on the idea of being surrounded by sharks terrifying me. It wasn’t really fair to Kevin, but it would make me sound crazy if I told them a stranger’s simple touch triggered them.

I saw him several times throughout the remainder of our trip. Like radar, I found him hovering in the shadows, whether I was on the ship or even when we would dock. I knew I was being paranoid, but I would swear he was watching me. I tried unsuccessfully once to point him out to my mom, but he disappeared into the crowd before I could. Telling her and Dad about him made my family anxious, so I never mentioned him again.

The nightmares lessened once we were home again. Everything around me was familiar and safe.

Our town was small and I knew the faces I saw on the streets. I spent the rest of the summer packing for college and saying goodbye to friends as we each went off in different directions to make our way in the world.

I leaned against the rail, my forearms resting on top in front of me, and searched the crowd departing the ship, looking for her familiar form. She was easy to spot, even in the crowd; not that I didn’t know where she was every second of the day and night for the past four days. I knew it was irrational to think she could disappear within the confines of the ship, but I learned in the past that she was capable of slipping through the smallest of spaces just like a mouse, and I refused to take that chance again.

I hadn’t seen her in twelve years. Back then her hair had been lighter, but would shine like a copper penny in the sunlight. It had darkened over the years to a beautiful dark blond, though her natural red highlights still shone in the sunlight. I was glad to see that no ink marred her beautiful skin as far as I could tell from the modest swimsuits she wore. While I carried no delusions that she was still a virgin, I hoped for her sake she was. I couldn’t think about anyone else daring to touch what was always meant to be mine.

My father promised her to me the day she was born, when I was still too young to fully understand what that even meant. I saw her a few times when she was a toddler, when my father would bring me with him to conduct business with her father and to check up on her development. I was an adolescent and had no interest in the little girl who would try to gain my attention by handing me her toys to play with.

I always brushed her away with indifference as I concentrated on my video game in order to entertain myself until we could leave her family’s small, cramped home. Maybe I was too soft, but one day I’d made her cry. I felt guilty about it. Even at the age of eleven, I wasn’t a total jerk. I endeavored after that to be nicer and would at least play with her for a few minutes each time I saw her until the inevitable boredom would drive me back to my video games.

She was officially given to me when I was thirteen. Jayden had just turned five, so old enough to start learning, and I had just witnessed my first execution. My father threw a party to celebrate and Jayden was my gift. My father was proud of me for not sniveling like a baby when the man I had never met and who had never done me wrong died at my feet. My father never knew I spent that night throwing up in the bathroom downstairs while my mother held me in her arms, crying with me.

He demanded ironclad strength in his sons, and my brother had never disappointed him, so I couldn’t either. I worked hard to earn his praise and respect, burying everything soft within me until I became the man he expected me to be. Jayden was the only one I lowered my guard for and showed any kindness to. She suffered from nightmares and cried at night for her mother from the tiny cot she slept in, in the corner of my room. To help ease her fears I let her sleep in my bed and let her have the ratty bear that came with her that she loved so much.

My father expected me to look after her and teach her. My mother helped by teaching her the household stuff I didn’t know, but ultimately she was my responsibility. I didn’t have the first clue how to teach her. I’d never even owned a dog before, but Jayden relied on me for everything so I learned quickly.

My father kept a large wooden crate in his office that he would lock her in if she acted out in any way. A heavy blanket was thrown over it so she was encased in darkness for the duration of her punishments. I had even put her in there myself several times, under my father’s watchful eye, though I hated every minute of it.

I was supposed to mold her and train her to grow into the perfect wife to live in my world. How was a thirteenyear-old boy supposed to know what that even meant? I was too young to understand. I only knew that I liked the feeling I got when Jayden would look to me for approval with absolute trust in her eyes. I liked feeling like her hero who could make her smile. I was no hero. I was a villain, the same as everyone else in our world. I just hadn’t realized it yet.