The Concubine (7 page)

The question breaks my heart.
“How can you ask such a horrible thing? How can I hate my heart? How can I hate my blood? My sole reason for breathing?” 
“So you do not love Ciaran and Liam more because they resemble you and Father? While I have this stupid head of hair and pale skin?” 
“I love you three more then you can possibly understand. You hair is beautiful, your skin is flawless, not stupid.” 
“But why is my hair the shade it is?” How can I possibly explain this to a child? 
“Such questions on such a happy day. Allow your mother her day, Fintan.” I blink back tears and smile in thanks at Lucian. 
“Oh Mama, could we go to the festival today? I wish to ride my new pony.” I take Liam from Lucian and nod yes in Ciaran’s direction. 
“You are so very special to me, Finn, more than you will ever know.” I finally say a secret for only him and me to keep. He smiles and I know harm has been thwarted as he too begins to plead to go to the summer’s festival.
 

***

The people of Noria come in droves on this fine day to participate and enjoy the revelries the festival has to offer. On this day alone, Lucian relinquishes the tight rein he wields over the people and allows them their frivolity. It is a joyous event, filled with games, dancing, sword play and the culmination of the infamous joust between the King’s chosen guard and the people’s champion.

The sun has set and the night is a cool one, good for a race around the open field with the children. Liam is with Kivar while Fintan, Ciaran and I race around the open fields. Every once in a while they would gallop to the edge of the forest and I would call them back. The forest is forbidden, even before your reign my love, it has always been forbidden. It is treacherous and dark, evil lives in those woods. 
My eyes leave them for but a second, wanting to wave at Liam as he calls for me, but in that fleeting second Fintan and Ciaran disappear. Off in the distance I spy two shadowed figures galloping away, heading in the depths of the forest. Without thought I yell for Kivar to take Liam back to the palace and I take off after the cloaked men. 
My heart in my throat, I push the horse to move faster as Ciaran’s cries pierce the night air. The forest is dark, frightening and numbingly cold from the canopy of trees shrouding the sun from peeking through. Branches snatch my clothes and claw my skin. I’m impervious to it all, reaching my sons my only concern.
It comes from above. The whistling through the air before the arrow pierces my left arm. It is coated with poison as my body slackens and I topple to the ground. But I don’t believe I ever make contact; there is a warm net that prevents my death. My last thought before I completely succumb is of Ciaran and Fintan.

***

My fingers twitch and dig into the soft texture of the fur bedding beneath me. I become alert to my surroundings. My eyes slowly peel open but fall instantly close at the searing pain between my eyes. A pained moan escapes me in my fruitless attempt to wish the pain away. The slightest movement only intensified the pain, until tears leak from the corner of my shuttered lids.
“Shhh… “Through the agony I hear the soothing sound. Unable to open my eyes I opt to lean towards the cool fingers at my brow that are soon replaced with an even cooler towel.
“Part your lips.” Too weak to protest I do as ordered. 
The liquid is not water, almost, but not quiet, in its coconut sweetness it glides down my throat, cool and so very welcoming to my otherwise parched throat. Greedily I drink until it is pulled away from my lips.

“You must sleep now.  You will feel yourself when you wake.” I nod and just before I felt her rise, my hand reaches out to her, meaning to grab her wrist.
“My...my children…?” 
“They are well, rest.” I want to know more, but I simply cannot keep my eyes open.

***

I next awoke to the voices of children and I know immediately they were my own.
“You are cheating.” I hear Ciaran accuse, I can imagine his gamine features scrunching in petulance. 
“You are just cross because you’re losing.” Fintan answers sedately. Amused I turn my head slightly to find them seated on a bed of mink furs and pillows.
“I am not cross!” he stomps his foot. “Why must you be such an ogre?”
“Why must you be such a baby?” Fintan retorts. 
“You are a very mean, brother. I think I hate you!” no longer able to withstand their bickering, I slowly rise.

“How very disappointed I am with you both.” I just manage to find my bearings when Ciaran’s body crashes into mine. His holds me tight, with head tucked against my bosom, he breaks and weeps.
“Oh, Mama.” he laments and I resist the urge to weep along with him. Rather I settle for running my hand through his hair and soothing circles down his back.
“No more tears, darling. You will make yourself ill.” I quietly beckon Fintan to my side. The illusion bravery he holds so dear shatters in that moment as he too runs to me, huddling close to his brother.
My lips find the top of his fair head and leave kisses long overdue. Silently I thank whatever deity that managed to keep them from harm. They appeared in good health, physically, our sons seemed fine Marik and I am so very grateful for that small favor. 
“Hush my loves…everything will be okay now.” 
Ciaran lifts his head tears glistening against his ruddy cheeks. “Yes,” I kiss his nose and wipe his tears. “Father will come for us on his destrier and fight these bad men and I will be by his side with my sword.” he says with passion. 
“Such a brave little knight.” 
No…! It can’t be. I know that voice. My heart skips a beat, then another only to begin a maddening dash against my ribcage. Oh God…it can’t be...
And yet here you were, so eye-wateringly beautiful I had to blink to clear the tears away. Five years has morphed your once youthful features into that of a man, fully grown and hardened. 
Once, I thought you beautiful…. and now? No words can possibly begin to describe the savage beauty that you have become. Your face has hardened, become cynical and stoic as you look down from your kingly stature with eyes that I no longer recognize, eyes that seem so haunted. Eyes that now look upon me with utter contempt.
“Mama you’re hurting me.” Ciaran’s protest instantly has me relinquish my hold.
Soft fingers brush my cheek and I bite the corner of my bottom lip as peer down at Fintan. “Do not worry Mama. This man saved us from those filthy brigands who tried to kidnap us. He means us well.” The sob comes, and then another, I put my hand to my mouth to try to stop, but I cannot!
“Come children,” that voice is not one to be disputed.
“You must not cry Mama, Father will come for us soon.” Soft kisses were planted on my cheeks and then both children scampered away, running past you and exiting the large tent. 
Never had I been able to resist your magnetic presence and now, drawn like a lodestone I find myself crossing the tent with hastiness. I throw myself at you, much like our Ciaran had done earlier and wind my arms around your waist. I hold you unimaginably tight, savoring for that moment the very strength of you.
“Marik…” Bewilderment, sheer contentment tinges my voice as I touch your face, your brow, your nose and finally your lips. “Marik…” I rise to my toes to bury my face in the crook of your neck, inhaling, relishing the scent of wood, sweat and sun that permeates from your pores. “My love." And then you’re pushing me away from you.  Your eye so cold pierces through me. Those silver eyes that were once filled with such adoration for me are now striped of emotions. Utterly barren.
“I knew you lived…” A raised brow is all I receive before you move from my view but my eyes follow, unable to do otherwise. They trail your cat-like movements as you go to the table and scoop up the brown-hide pouch. You take a drink, your eyes never leaving mine.
“Did you now?” You wipe your lips with the back of your hand, your voice chilling.
“Yes,” I say with all certainty, ignorant of the utter contempt in your gaze. “I knew that you would return…”
You throw the pouch and it falls unceremoniously to the floor. “Returned have I? And exactly where have I gone?” 
“I thought…I have…I have missed you so much, my love.” I approach and carefully rest my hand on your arm.
“Don’t!” you lash out with such vehemence that I am left aghast. “Don’t you dare stand there and lie!”
“I do not lie. From the very minute you left me, Marik I have done nothing but hope and pray for your safe return. I have missed you more than words…” Your long strides eat up the distance between us in seconds. You crush me to your massive frame, in complete dominance now; you take hold of my jaw and force my gaze to your hateful one.
“How long did you mourn me before you jumped into his bed? How long before your love for me turned into dust? How long before you beget his bastard?” There is dangerous intent in your eyes, a murderous gleam that frightens me. “Tell me again just how much you have missed me, and I will make sure the sentiment is shared by your children.” The force of your shove forces me to the floor, my outstretched hands just barely breaking my fall. Your hate is unjust, my love. You’re cruelty unwarranted.
“You cannot hate me.” I sound so pathetic, so desperate and weak.
I hear your scoff and then you’re down in front of me on the balls of your booted feet. Your calloused fingers grip my chin, forcing me to look at you.
“You are beyond my contempt.” Your lips are bruising and vengeful when they fall upon my own. You extract the very sob from my lips as you stand to leave.
Sanity has left me as I run after you. I grab your arm and turn you around. In the mid-day sun I relinquish whatever dignity left to me and fall to my knees before you, my arms wrap around your waist, holding so tight I feel you tense beneath my touch, my hold hangs firm.
“Ask me how many times I have tried to take my life, while I prayed for you? Ask me how many tears I have shed while my heart and soul continued to hope. Ask me how many times I moaned your name while he took me? Ask me how many…“
“Enough!” you pull away, spectators gather now to stare at the debacle that is my life. I refuse to care! 
“My life has never been my own .Everything I have done since the age of seventeen has been for you! Only and always for you! I have loved you,
how
I have loved you! You left me for wives. You left me for your whores! And yet my heart remained true to you. You left me in search of your precious war! For five years! And still I took no one to my soul, only meant for you…“
“And your body? What of that? He has lain…”
“A shell, he has lain with only a shell.” I feel utterly numb. “Do not dare stand there and hate me, your
majesty
, I am worth so much more than your hate.” I stand and stagger back to the tent, my body drained.

***

My angst knows no bounds, my ire falls at an eternal second, like gaping wounds I allow them to fester deep within the fibers of my being, they have become kin to me and I welcome them wholeheartedly.
You are beyond my contempt
 
Stupid, insufferable man! Idiotic, arrogant swine! What have I ever done to deserve your hate? Loved you? I am to be hated for foolishly loving you? Even now, my heart yearns for you! It bleeds for your comfort, and yet you are incapable of providing it! 

Am I to be hated for protecting the only thing we’ve ever done right? Our sons live and breathe because of me! And yet in your self-righteous ire you failed to see what is so obvious.
I know I cry, and yet anger has taken residence in my chest and I wish you were here that I could show you just how much I could be hated. 

“How refreshing it was to see my husband set in his place.” Somia? I turn to find her with a smile on her face.

She captures my hands and sighs. “The years have been terribly kind to you, Lealin. Forgive me for being just a bit jealous of your ageless beauty.” her swollen abdomen bumps me in her attempt to embrace me. I return the hug with a faint smile.
“You flatter me, your highness.” I bring her to the fur bedding and aid her to sit by my side.
“Somia. I truly believe I have missed you, love of my husband’s life.” the title she bestows upon me with teasing reverence. 
“I’m the love of no one’s life.” I petulantly remark after a brief silence.
“Do you know,” she begins mindlessly. “The night the palace was attacked I was hidden and swept away by Salyn. I was not aware of what had happened until I saw the carnage and chaos. But Salyn, such a brave knight,” she sighs whimsically and I briefly wonder why. I open my mouth to ask her but the continuation of her tale deters me. 
“He took me away deep into the hidden catacombs of the palace along with a handful of the palace court and guided us to this secluded village. When we arrived in search of sanctuary the villagers took us in, it wasn’t until days later Salyn came and explained to me that lord Valancette’s army trapped Marik and his troops at the bottom of the mountains and slaughtered everyone! Salyn told me that two poisoned spears had been embedded in Marik’s abdomen and the other one through his leg, and a sword nearly split him in two at the waist it was so deep.” I gape, incapable of forming words at the horror of it all.
“He was brought here, bleeding and fevered, within an inch of his life, Lealin! He called your name. Priests were summoned to bless him safe passage, no one believed him to live through the night. Through it all, Salyn told me, that it was your name that he called, like a prayer in his fevered delirium he cried out for you. Days after I asked to see him, when I stepped into the room, he was shivering and retching on the floor, he looked at me with such eyes Lealin. They seemed so haunted. He pleaded for me to help him find you, his wounds bled while he fought through his surviving men to find you. He nearly killed Salyn for leaving you behind…”
“Please stop…I…God!” It’s too much! 
“I do not mean to hurt you.” She pats the back of my hand in comfort. “Your sons our truly lovely, I hope I have a boy…with Salyn’s green eyes and my…”
“Salyn?” I did not hear right. 
The smile she bestows is a beacon of unrestrained joy. “Yes! Salyn.”
“But…“
“Marik is not for me. Politically yes, I will remain wed to him, but I could never find happiness and undying love with him…”
“And you have found that in Salyn?”
“Yes, he is kind and simple minded. In him I have found a friend and lover. He will give me a happy future with a bevy of sweet and shy red haired children. He has proven himself to me and to Marik these past years and Marik has kindly blessed us.” So much has happened, so much that’s been left unsaid….so much anger and pain.
“What are their names?” she quietly asked of me.
“Fintan and Ciaran.”
“Lovely. Are they…”
“Leave us, Somia.”