The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (501 page)

me, 'As jealous as Ford, Chat searched a hollow

walnut for his wife's leman.' Satisfy me once more;

once more search with me.

Help me search my house this one time. If I don't

find what I'm looking for, never defend my madness; let

me forever be a joke; let them say of

me, ‘Chat searched in a hollow walnut for his wife's

lover, as jealous as Ford.’ Indulge me one more time;

make one more search with me.

MISTRESS FORD

What, ho, Mistress Page! come you and the old woman

down; my husband will come into the chamber.

Hello there, Mistress Page! You and the old woman must

come down; my husband wants to come into the bedroom.

FORD

Old woman! what old woman's that?

Old woman! What old woman is that?

MISTRESS FORD

Nay, it is my maid's aunt of Brentford.

Just my maid's aunt from Brentford.

FORD

A witch, a quean, an old cozening quean! Have I not

forbid her my house? She comes of errands, does

she? We are simple men; we do not know what's

brought to pass under the profession of

fortune-telling. She works by charms, by spells,

by the figure, and such daubery as this is, beyond

our element we know nothing. Come down, you witch,

you hag, you; come down, I say!

A witch, a harlot, a cheating old harlot! Haven't I

banned her from my house?  She comes on errands, does

she? We are simple men; we don't know what

goes on under the disguise of

fortune-telling. She works with charms, spells,

pentagrams and other trickery which is beyond

our understanding. Come down, you witch,

you hag, you; come down, I order you!

MISTRESS FORD

Nay, good, sweet husband! Good gentlemen, let him

not strike the old woman.

Re-enter FALSTAFF in woman's clothes, and MISTRESS PAGE

No, good sweet husband! Good gentleman, don't let him

hit the old woman.

MISTRESS PAGE

Come, Mother Prat; come, give me your hand.

Come, Mother Prat; give me your hand.

FORD

I'll prat her.

Beating him

Out of my door, you witch, you hag, you baggage, you

polecat, you runyon! out, out! I'll conjure you,

I'll fortune-tell you.

Exit FALSTAFF

I'll prat her.

Out of my house, you witch, you hack, you baggage, you

polecat, you bitch! Get out, out! I'll give you magic,

I'll tell your fortune.

MISTRESS PAGE

Are you not ashamed? I think you have killed the

poor woman.

Aren't you ashamed? I think you have killed the

poor woman.

MISTRESS FORD

Nay, he will do it. 'Tis a goodly credit for you.

It looks like he will. There's a fine thing.

FORD

Hang her, witch!

Hang her, the witch!

SIR HUGH EVANS

By the yea and no, I think the 'oman is a witch

indeed: I like not when a 'oman has a great peard;

I spy a great peard under his muffler.

Well absolutely, I think the woman is certainly

a witch: I don't like it when a woman has a great beard;

I saw a great beard under his scarf.

FORD

Will you follow, gentlemen? I beseech you, follow;

see but the issue of my jealousy: if I cry out thus

upon no trail, never trust me when I open again.

Will you chase him, gentlemen? I beg you, chase;

come and see the result of my jealousy: if this proves

to be a false scent, never trust me again when I call.

PAGE

Let's obey his humour a little further: come,

gentlemen.

Exeunt FORD, PAGE, SHALLOW, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS

Let's go along with him for a while longer: come on,

gentlemen.

MISTRESS PAGE

Trust me, he beat him most pitifully.

I swear, he beat him very pitifully.

MISTRESS FORD

Nay, by the mass, that he did not; he beat him most

unpitifully, methought.

Well I can swear that he didn't; he beat him most

unpitifully, I thought.

MISTRESS PAGE

I'll have the cudgel hallowed and hung o'er the

altar; it hath done meritorious service.

I'll have the stick blessed and hung over the

altar; it's done good work.

MISTRESS FORD

What think you? may we, with the warrant of

womanhood and the witness of a good conscience,

pursue him with any further revenge?

What do you think? May we, with the licence of

womanhood and the witness of a clear conscience,

take any more revenge on him?

MISTRESS PAGE

The spirit of wantonness is, sure, scared out of

him: if the devil have him not in fee-simple, with

fine and recovery, he will never, I think, in the

way of waste, attempt us again.

I think his lustful feelings have certainly been scared

out of him: if the devil hasn't got him completely under his control,

with a watertight contract, he will never, I think,

try his unlawful attempts on us again.

MISTRESS FORD

Shall we tell our husbands how we have served him?

Shall we tell our husbands what we did to him?

MISTRESS PAGE

Yes, by all means; if it be but to scrape the

figures out of your husband's brains. If they can

find in their hearts the poor unvirtuous fat knight

shall be any further afflicted, we two will still be

the ministers.

Yes, certainly; if nothing else to stop

your husband imagining such things. If they

decide that the poor badly behaved fat knight

should have any more punishment, we two will still

hand it out.

MISTRESS FORD

I'll warrant they'll have him publicly shamed: and

methinks there would be no period to the jest,

should he not be publicly shamed.

I'll bet they'll want him to be publicly shamed: and

I don't think the joke will have a proper ending,

unless he is publicly shamed.

MISTRESS PAGE

Come, to the forge with it then; shape it: I would

not have things cool.

Exeunt

Come on then, let's strike while the iron's hot:

I don't want things to cool down.

Enter Host and BARDOLPH

BARDOLPH

Sir, the Germans desire to have three of your

horses: the duke himself will be to-morrow at

court, and they are going to meet him.

Sir, those Germans want to have three of your

horses: the Duke himself will be at court

tomorrow and they are going to meet him.

Host

What duke should that he comes so secretly? I hear

not of him in the court. Let me speak with the

gentlemen: they speak English?

What sort of Duke is this that comes so secretly? I haven't

heard him spoken of at court. Let me speak with the

gentlemen: do they speak English?

BARDOLPH

Ay, sir; I'll call them to you.

Yes, sir; I'll call them for you.

Host

They shall have my horses; but I'll make them pay;

I'll sauce them: they have had my house a week at

command; I have turned away my other guests: they

must come off; I'll sauce them. Come.

Exeunt

They shall have my horses; but I'll make them pay;

I'll overcharge them: they have had my house to themselves

for a week; I have turned away my other guests: they must

pay the price; I'll overcharge them. Come on.

Enter PAGE, FORD, MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS FORD, and SIR HUGH EVANS

SIR HUGH EVANS

'Tis one of the best discretions of a 'oman as ever

I did look upon.

It's one of the best descriptions of a woman

I have ever seen.

PAGE

And did he send you both these letters at an instant?

And he sent you both these letters straight away?

MISTRESS PAGE

Within a quarter of an hour.

Within a quarter of an hour.

FORD

Pardon me, wife. Henceforth do what thou wilt;

I rather will suspect the sun with cold

Than thee with wantonness: now doth thy honour stand

In him that was of late an heretic,

As firm as faith.

Forgive me, wife. From now on do what you want;

I would rather suspect the sun of being cold

than you of being unfaithful: I was an unbeliever,

now your honour is as solid to me as my faith.

PAGE

'Tis well, 'tis well; no more:

Be not as extreme in submission