The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (142 page)

There's a whole cargo of Bordeaux wine in him; you've never seen a ship

with a fuller hold. Come, I'll be friends with you, Jack:

you are going to the war; and whether I shall never see you again or

not, nobody cares.

[Re-enter First Drawer.]

FIRST DRAWER.

Sir, Ancient Pistol's below, and would speak with you.

Sir, ancient Pistol is downstairs, and wants to talk to you.

DOLL.

Hang him, swaggering rascal! let him not come hither:  it is the

foul-mouthed'st rogue in England.

Hang him, the swaggering rascal! Don't let him in: he is the

most foul mouthed scoundrel in England.

HOSTESS.

If he swagger, let him not come here:  no, by my faith; I must live

among my neighbours; I'll no swaggerers:  I am in good name and fame

with the very best:  shut the door; there comes no swaggerers here:

I have not lived all this while, to have swaggering now:  shut the

door, I pray you.

If he swaggers, don't let him in: no, I swear; I must think

of my neighbours; I'll have no swaggerers: I have a good reputation

with the very best people: shut the door; we'll have no swaggerers here:

I have not lived all this time, to put up with swaggering now:

shut the door, please.

FALSTAFF.

Dost thou hear, hostess?

Did you hear that, hostess?

HOSTESS.

Pray ye, pacify yourself, Sir John:  there comes no swaggerers here.

Please, calm yourself, Sir John: there will be no

swaggerers here.

FALSTAFF.

Dost thou hear? it is mine ancient.

Did you hear? It's my old friend.

HOSTESS.

Tilly-fally, Sir John, ne'er tell me:  your ancient swaggerer comes

not in my doors. I was before Master Tisick, the debuty, t'other day;

and, as he said to me, 'twas no longer ago than Wednesday last,

"I' good faith, neighbour Quickly," says he; Master Dumbe, our

minister, was by then; "neighbour Quickly," says he, "receive those

that are civil; for" said he "you are in an ill name:"  now a' said

so, I can tell whereupon; "for," says he, "you are an honest woman,

and well thought on; therefore take heed what guests you receive:

receive," says he, "no swaggering companions."  There comes none here:

you would bless you to hear what he said:  no, I'll no swaggerers.

Fiddlesticks, Sir John, don't tell me: and your old

swaggerer, he's not coming in. I was up before

Master Tisick the magistrate the other day, and, as he said

to me–I swear, it was no longer ago than last

Wednesday–“Neighbour Quickly," he said–Master

Dumb was then our Minister–“Neighbour

Quickly" he said, “Welcome those who are polite, for"

he said, “you have a bad reputation"–and now I know why he said that,

it's for letting in people like you. “For," he said, “you are an honest

woman, and well thought of, so be careful

what sort of guests you admit; admit" he said, “no swaggering

fellows": none will come in here. You

would do well to hear what he said. No, I'll have no swaggerers.

FALSTAFF.

He's no swaggerer, hostess; a tame cheater, i' faith; you may stroke

him as gently as a puppy greyhound:  he'll not swagger with a Barbary

hen, if her feathers turn back in any show of resistance. Call

him up, drawer.

He's no swaggerer, hostess; a petty cheat, I swear; you can

play with him as gently as if he was a greyhound puppy: he will not swagger

with any bird, if her feathers rise up to show

any resistance. Call him up, barman.

[Exit First Drawer.]

HOSTESS.

Cheater, call you him? I will bar no honest man my house, nor no

cheater:  but I do not love swaggering, by my troth; I am the worse,

when one says swagger:  feel, masters, how I shake; look you, I

warrant you.

You call him a cheat? I won't ban any honest man from my house, nor

any cheats: but I won't have any swaggering, I swear; it makes me ill,

when someone says swagger: feel how I shake, masters;

look at it, I'm telling you.

DOLL.

So you do, hostess.

You certainly are, hostess.

HOSTESS.

Do I? yea, in very truth, do I, an 'twere an aspen leaf:  I

cannot abide swaggerers.

I certainly am aren't I? I shake like an aspen leaf: I

can't tolerate swaggerers.

[Enter Pistol, Bardolph, and Page.]

PISTOL.

God save you, Sir John!

God save you, Sir John!

FALSTAFF.

Welcome, Ancient Pistol. Here, Pistol, I charge you with

a cup of sack: do you discharge upon mine hostess.

Welcome, Ancient Pistol. Here, Pistol, I load you with

a glass of wine: now fire at my hostess.

PISTOL.

I will discharge upon her, Sir John, with two bullets.

I shall let loose on her, Sir John, with two bullets.

FALSTAFF.

She is pistol-proof, sir; you shall hardly offend her.

She can't be damaged by a pistol, Sir; you won't do her any harm.

HOSTESS.

Come, I'll drink no proofs nor no bullets:  I'll drink no

more than will do me good, for no man's pleasure, I.

Come, I won't have spirits or bullets: I won't drink

any more than is good for my health, not for any man.

PISTOL.

Then to you, Mistress Dorothy; I will charge you.

Then I'll turn my attention to you, Mistress Dorothy.

DOLL.

Charge me! I scorn you, scurvy companion. What! you poor,

base, rascally, cheating, lack-linen mate! Away, you mouldy

rogue, away!

I am meat for your master.

Will you! I reject you, you rascally companion. What! You poor,

low, rascally, cheating, poverty stricken friend! Get away, you rotten rogue, get away!

I'm your master's business.

PISTOL.

I know you, Mistress Dorothy.

I know what you're like, Mistress Dorothy.

DOLL.

Away, you cut-purse rascal! you filthy bung, away! by this wine,

I'll thrust my knife in your mouldy chaps, an you play the saucy

cuttle with me. Away, you bottle-ale rascal! you basket-hilt stale

juggler, you! Since when, I pray you, sir?  God's light, with two

points on your shoulder? much!

Go away, you thieving rascal! Away with you, you filthy pickpocket! I swear by this wine,

if you start trying to get cheeky with me, I'll stick this knife

through your mouldy trousers. Go away, you cheap rascal!

You swashbuckling, out of date imposter! Since when have you

pretended to be a soldier, sir? All dressed up for battle? Well well!

PISTOL.

God let me not live, but I will murder your ruff for this.

God won't let me live, if I don't tear off your ruff in punishment.

FALSTAFF.

No more, Pistol; I would not have you go off here:

discharge yourself of our company, Pistol.

No more, Pistol; I don't want you to go off here:

leave us, Pistol.

HOSTESS.

No, good Captain Pistol; not here, sweet captain.

No, good Captain Pistol; not here, sweet captain.

DOLL.

Captain! thou abominable damned cheater, art thou not ashamed

to be called captain? An captains were of my mind, they would

truncheon you out, for taking their names upon you before you

have earned them. You a captain! you slave, for what? for tearing

a poor whore's ruff in a bawdy-house? He a captain! hang him,

rogue! he lives upon mouldy stewed prunes and dried cakes. A

captain! God's light, these villains will make the word as odious

as the word "occupy;" which was an excellent good word before it

was ill sorted:  therefore captains had need look to't.

Captain! You horrible dammed cheat, aren't you ashamed

to be called captain? And if captains thought like me,

they would beat you out of the ranks with their truncheons,

for assuming their title before you have earned it.

You a captain? You slave! For what? For tearing at the ruff

of a  poor whore in a brothel? Him a captain? Hang him, the rogue,

he lives on the leavings of the brothels. A

captain? By God, these villains will make the word

as horrible as the word “occupy", which was a perfectly

respectable word before these rude people got hold of it:

so captains had better sort him out.

BARDOLPH.

Pray thee, go down, good ancient.

Please, go downstairs, good fellow.

FALSTAFF.

Hark thee hither, Mistress Doll.

Come over here, Mistress Doll.

PISTOL.

Not I: I tell thee what, Corporal Bardolph, I could tear

her: I'll be revenged of her.

Not me: I tell you what, Corporal Bardolph, I could

tear at her: I'll have my revenge on her.

PAGE.

Pray thee go down.

Please go downstairs.

PISTOL.

I'll see her damned first; to Pluto's damned lake, by this

hand, to the infernal deep, with Erebus and tortures vile also.

Hold hook and line, say I.  Down, down, dogs! down, faitors!

Have we not Hiren here?

I'll see her dammed first; I'll send her down to Pluto's lake

to the depths of hell, with Erebus and horrible tortures.

Keep steady, I say. Down with you, dogs! Down, rogues!

Haven't we any swords?

HOSTESS.

Good Captain Peesel, be quiet; 'tis very late, i' faith:  I

beseek you now, aggravate your choler.

Good captain Pistol, be quiet; really, it's very late:

I beg you, calm your anger.

PISTOL.

These be good humours, indeed! Shall packhorses

And hollow pamper'd jades of Asia,

Which cannot go but thirty mile a-day,

Compare with Caesars, and with Cannibals,

And Trojan Greeks? nay, rather damn them with

King Cerberus; and let the welkin roar.

Shall we fall foul for toys?

Well these are pretty goings-on, indeed!

Shall the mules and weak pampered nags of Asia,

which can't travel thirty miles in a day,

be compared with Caesar, cannibals

and Trojan Greeks? No, send them to hell with

King Cerberus; and let the shouts ring out.

Shall we argue over trifles?

HOSTESS.

By my troth, captain, these are very bitter words.

I swear, captain, these are very bitter words.