The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (135 page)

at the height of our youth are certainly high-spirited.

CHIEF JUSTICE.

Do you set down your name in the scroll of youth, that are written

down old with all the characters of age? Have you not a moist eye?

a dry hand? a yellow cheek? a white beard? a decreasing leg? an

increasing belly? is not your voice broken? your wind short? your

chin double? your wit single? and every part about you blasted

with antiquity? and will you yet call yourself young? Fie, fie,

fie, Sir John!

Do you put yourself down as a young person, when everyone

can see how old you are? Don't you have a rheumy eye?

A dry hand? A yellow cheek? A white beard? Creaking

legs? A swelling belly? Isn't your voice cracked? Aren't you

breathless? Do you have a double chin? A single

brain cell? And isn't everything about you marked

by age? And yet you still call yourself young? Come on,

come on, Sir John!

FALSTAFF.

My lord, I was born about three of the clock in the afternoon,

with a white head and something a round belly. For my voice, I

have lost it with halloing and singing of anthems. To approve my

youth further, I will not:  the truth is, I am only old in judgement

and understanding; and he that will caper with me for a thousand

marks, let him lend me the money, and have at him!

For the box of the ear that the prince gave you, he gave it like a

rude prince, and you took it like a sensible lord. I have checked

him for it, and the young lion repents; [aside] marry, not in ashes and

sackcloth, but in new silk and old sack.

My Lord, I was born about three o'clock in the afternoon,

with a white head and rather a round belly. As for my voice,

I have lost it giving hunting cries and singing anthems. I won't

give you any further proof of my youth: the truth is, I am only old in judgement

and understanding; anyone who wants to take a bet of a thousand marks that he

can outdance me can lend me the money and let's get on with it!

As for that clout round the ear that the Prince gave you, he gave it

like a rude prince, and you took it like a sensible Lord. I have reproved

him for it, and the young lion is sorry–[aside] he doesn't show his repentance

with sackcloth and ashes, but with new silk cloth and old sack.

CHIEF JUSTICE.

Well, God send the prince a better companion!

Well, may God send the prince a better companion!

FALSTAFF.

God send the companion a better prince! I cannot rid my hands of him.

May God send the companion a better prince! I can't

shake him off.

CHIEF JUSTICE.

Well, the king hath severed you and Prince Harry:

I hear you are going with Lord John of Lancaster against the

Archbishop and the Earl of Northumberland.

Well, the king has separated you and Prince Harry:

I hear you are going with Lord John of Lancaster to fight

the Archbishop and the Earl of Northumberland.

FALSTAFF.

Yea; I thank your pretty sweet wit for it. But look you pray, all

you that kiss my lady Peace at home, that our armies join not in a

hot day; for, by the Lord, I take but two shirts out with me, and I

mean not to sweat extraordinarily:  if it be a hot day, and I brandish

any thing but a bottle, I would I might never spit white again.

There is not a dangerous action can peep out his head but I am thrust

upon it:  well, I cannot last ever:  but it was alway yet the trick of

our English nation, if they have a good thing, to make it too common.

If ye will needs say I am an old man, you should give me rest. I

would to God my name were not so terrible to the enemy as it is:

I were better to be eaten to death with a rust than to be scoured to

nothing with perpetual motion.

Yes, bless you for knowing that. But make sure

all of you who stay at home in peace pray

that we don't fight on a hot day; for I swear,

I am only taking two shirts with me, and I don't

want to sweat too much. If it was a hot day, and

I had to wield anything more than a bottle, I don't think I'd ever

recover my health. There is no dangerous action that comes up

that I don't get sent on. Well, I can't live forever; but it's always

the way with this country, if they have something good

they overuse it. If you say that I

am an old man, you should give me some rest. I wish

to God that the enemy weren't as frightened of my name as

they are–I would sooner be eaten up by rust

than ground down to nothing through perpetual motion.

CHIEF JUSTICE.

Well, be honest, be honest; and God bless your expedition!

Well, stay honest; and may God bless your expedition!

FALSTAFF.

Will your lordship lend me a thousand pound to furnish me forth?

Will your lordship lend me a thousand pounds to fit myself out?

CHIEF JUSTICE.

Not a penny, not a penny; you are too impatient to bear crosses.

Fare you well:  commend me to my cousin Westmoreland.

Not a penny, not a penny; you're too eager to take on debts.

Farewell; give my greetings to my cousin Westmorland.

[Exeunt Chief-Justice and Servant.]

FALSTAFF.

If I do, fillip me with a three-man beetle. A man can no more separate

age and covetousness than 'a can part young limbs and lechery:  but

the gout galls the one, and the pox pinches the other; and so both the

degrees prevent my curses. Boy!

If I do, hit me over the head with a sledgehammer. A man can

no more separate age and greed than he can separate

young limbs and lecherous behaviour: but old men have

gout, and young men catch the clap; and so both ages

of life have afflictions like mine. Boy!

PAGE.

Sir?

Sir?

FALSTAFF.

What money is in my purse?

How much money is in my purse?

PAGE.

Seven groats and two pence.

Seven groats and two pence.

FALSTAFF.

I can get no remedy against this consumption of the purse:

borrowing only lingers and lingers it out, but the disease is

incurable. Go bear this letter to my Lord of Lancaster; this to the

prince; this to the Earl of Westmoreland; and this to old Mistress

Ursula, whom I have weekly sworn to marry since I perceived the

first white hair of my chin. About it:  you know where to find me.

[Exit Page.]

A pox of this gout! or, a gout of this pox! for the one or the other

plays the rogue with my great toe. 'Tis no matter if I do halt; I

have the wars for my colour, and my pension shall seem the more

reasonable. A good wit will make use of any thing:  I will turn

diseases to commodity.

There is no cure for this wasting away off the purse:

borrowing just makes it last longer, the disease is

incurable. Go and take this letter to my Lord of

Lancaster; this one to the Prince; this to the Earl of Westmoreland; and this to old mistress Ursula,

whom I have sworn to marry every week ever since

I first found white hair on my chin. Get on with it;

you know where to find me. a pox on this gout!

Or a gout on this pox! One or the other of them

is playing hell with my big toe. It doesn't matter

if I limp; I have my military service as my

excuse, and it will help me to get hold of a pension.

A clever man makes use of everything; I will

turn my diseases into profit.

[Exit.]

[Enter the Archbishop, the Lords Hastings, Mowbray, Bardolph.]

ARCHBISHOP.

Thus have you heard our cause and known our means;

And, my most noble friends, I pray you all,

Speak plainly your opinions of our hopes:

And first, lord marshal, what say you to it?

So, you have heard our reasons and know our resources;

and, my most noble friends, I ask that you will

give me your true opinions of our chances:

and first, Lord Marshall, what do you say about it?

MOWBRAY.

I well allow the occasion of our arms;

But gladly would be better satisfied

How in our means we should advance ourselves

To look with forehead bold and big enough

Upon the power and puissance of the king.

I certainly agree on the reason for fighting;

but I would definitely like to know more

as to how we can hope to have enough

forces to challenge the power

and strength of the King.

HASTINGS.

Our present musters grow upon the file

To five and twenty thousand men of choice;

And our supplies live largely in the hope

Of great Northumberland, whose bosom burns

With an incensed fire of injuries.

At the moment our forces are growing

and we have twenty five thousand good men;

and we are hoping to get more from

great Northumberland, who is raging

with the injuries which have been done to him.

LORD BARDOLPH.

The question then, Lord Hastings, standeth thus:

Whether our present five and twenty thousand

May hold up head without Northumberland?

The question then, Lord Hastings, is this:

whether our current force of twenty five thousand

would be enough without anything from Northumberland?

HASTINGS.

With him, we may.

We can succeed with him.

LORD BARDOLPH.

Yea, marry, there 's the point:

But if without him we be thought too feeble,

My judgement is, we should not step too far

Till we had his assistance by the hand;

For in a theme so bloody-faced as this

Conjecture, expectation, and surmise

Of aids incertain should not be admitted.

Indeed, that's my point:

if we think without him we are too weak,