The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (111 page)

Do, for it’s worth listening to.These nine in canvas

I told you about-

PRINCE.

So, two more already.

So, two more already.

FAL.

--their points being broken,--

With their swords broken –

POINTZ.

Down fell their hose.

Their drawers fell down.

FAL.

--began to give me ground:but I followed me close, came in foot

and hand; and with a thought seven of the eleven I paid.

they began to retreat; but I followed them close, pressing

them hand and foot; and quick as thinking I finished off seven of eleven.

PRINCE.

O monstrous! eleven buckram men grown out of two!

How monstrous, eleven canvas clad men grown from two!

FAL.

But, as the Devil would have it, three misbegotten knaves in Kendal

Green came at my back and let drive at me; for it was so dark, Hal,

that thou couldst not see thy hand.

But, as the Devil planned, three bastard knaves in camouflage

came up behind and attacked me; for it was so dark, Hal, one

couldn’t see one’s own hand.

PRINCE.

These lies are like the father that begets them, gross as a mountain,

open, palpable. Why, thou nott-pated fool, thou whoreson, obscene

greasy tallow-keech,--

These lies are like the one who creates them, big as a mountain,

obvious, clear.Why, you blockhead, you son of a bitch, obscene

mound of candle-fat-

FAL.

What, art thou mad? art thou mad? is not the truth the truth?

What, are you mad, are you mad?Isn’t the truth the truth?

PRINCE.

Why, how couldst thou know these men in Kendal green, when it was

so dark thou couldst not see thy hand? come, tell us your reason:

what sayest thou to this?

Well, how could you see these men on camouflage, when it was

so dark you couldn’t see your hand?Come on, tell us your reason:

what have you got to say to that?

POINTZ.

Come, your reason, Jack, your reason.

Come, your reason, Jack, your reason.

FAL.

What, upon compulsion? No; were I at the strappado, or all the racks

in the world, I would not tell you on compulsion. Give you a reason on

compulsion! if reasons were as plentiful as blackberries, I would

give no man a reason upon compulsion, I.

What, because you demand it?No, if I was given the worst torture

in the world, I won’t do as you order me.Give you explanations on

orders!If explanations were as plentiful as blackberries, I wouldn’t give

any man an explanation under duress.

PRINCE.

I'll be no longer guilty of this sin; this sanguine coward, this

bed-presser, this horse-back-breaker, this huge hill of flesh,--

I’ll no longer be guilty of this sin; this boozy coward, this

bed presser, this breaker of horses’ backs, this great hill of flesh-

FAL.

Away, you starveling, you eel-skin, you dried neat's-tongue, you

stock-fish,--

O, for breath to utter what is like thee!--you tailor's-yard, you

sheath, you bow-case, you vile standing tuck,--

Get lost, you famished eelskin, you dried oxtongue, you

dried cod –

Oh, I wish I had the breath to say what you’re like!You

piece of cloth, you scabbard, you bow-case, you broken sword -

PRINCE.

Well, breathe awhile, and then to it again:and, when thou hast

tired thyself in base comparisons, hear me speak but this:--

Well, pause for breath and then carry on: and, when you have

worn yourself out with low comparisons, let me tell you this:

POINTZ.

Mark, Jack.

Take a note of this, Jack.

PRINCE.

--We two saw you four set on four; you bound them, and were masters of

their wealth.--Mark now, how a plain tale shall put you down.--

Then did we two set on you four; and, with a word, outfaced you from

your prize, and have it; yea, and can show it you here in the house:

and, Falstaff, you carried yourself away as nimbly, with as quick

dexterity, and roared for mercy, and still ran and roar'd, as ever I

heard bull-calf. What a slave art thou, to hack thy sword as thou

hast done, and then say it was in fight!

What trick, what device, what starting-hole canst thou now find

out to hide thee from this open and apparent shame?

We two saw you four attack four; you tied them up, and had

their money. – Now see how a simple tale will knock you back –

Then we two set on you four; and, with a word, scared you off

your prize, and we have it; yes, we can show it to you here in this house:

and, Falstaff, you ran away as nimbly, with as much agility,

such roaring for mercy, and you still ran and roared, as any

bull-calf I ever heard.What a slave you are, to hack up your sword

as you have, and then say you were in a fight!

What trick, what cover, what hiding place can you now find

to hide you from this open and obvious shame?

POINTZ.

Come, let's hear, Jack; what trick hast thou now?

Come, let’s hear it, Jack; what trick have you got now?

FAL.

By the Lord, I knew ye as well as he that made ye. Why, hear ye,

my masters:

Was it for me to kill the heir-apparent? should I turn upon the

true Prince? why, thou knowest I am as valiant as Hercules:but

beware instinct; the lion will not touch the true Prince.

Instinct is a great matter; I was now a coward on instinct.

I shall think the better of myself and thee during my life; I for a

valiant lion, and thou for a true prince.But, by the Lord, lads,

I am glad you have the money.--

[To Hostess within.]Hostess, clap-to the doors:watch

to-night, pray to-morrow.--Gallants, lads, boys, hearts of gold,

all the titles of good fellowship come to you!

What, shall we be merry? shall we have a play extempore?

By the Lord, I recognized you as well as your own fathers would.Why, listen,

my masters:

should I have killed the heir-apparent?Should I attack the

true Prince?Why, you know I am as brave as Hercules: but

look out for instinct; a lion won’t touch a true Prince.

Instinct is very powerful.I was a coward by instinct: I will think better of myself now,

and you – I’m a brave lion, and you are a true prince.But, by heaven, lads,

I’m glad you have the money.Hostess, slam the doors!Party tonight, pray tomorrow! Brave lads, boys, hearts of gold, all good fellowship to you!

What, shall we be merry, shall we put on a show?

PRINCE.

Content; and the argument shall be thy running away.

Why not, and the plot will be you running away.

FAL.

Ah, no more of that, Hal, an thou lovest me!

Ah, no more of that, Hal, if you love me!

[Enter the Hostess.]

HOST.

O Jesu, my lord the Prince,--

Oh Jesus, my lord the Prince-

PRINCE.

How now, my lady the hostess! What say'st thou to me?

Hello there, my landlady!What are you telling me?

HOST.

Marry, my lord, there is a nobleman of the Court at door would

speak with you: he says he comes from your father.

Well, my lord, there is a nobleman from the Court at the door

who wants to speak to you: he says he’s come from your father.

PRINCE.

Give him as much as will make him a royal man, and send him back

again to my mother.

Tip him a suitable sum for royalties, and send him back

to my mother.

FAL.

What manner of man is he?

What sort of man is he?

HOST.

An old man.

An old man.

FAL.

What doth gravity out of his bed at midnight? Shall I give him

his answer?

What is an old man doing out of bed at midnight?Shall I

tell him where to go?

PRINCE.

Pr'ythee, do, Jack.

Please do, Jack.

FAL.

Faith, and I'll send him packing.

By God, I’ll send him packing.

[Exit.]

PRINCE.

Now, sirs:--by'r Lady, you fought fair;--so did you, Peto;--so did you,

Bardolph:you are lions, too, you ran away upon instinct, you will not

touch the true Prince; no,--fie!

Now, gentlemen – by the Lady, you fought well – so did you, Peto; so did you,

Bardolph: you are lions, too, you ran away on instinct, you wouldn’t

touch the true Prince, no – rubbish!

BARD.

Faith, I ran when I saw others run.

I swear, I ran because the others did.

PRINCE.

Tell me now in earnest, how came Falstaff's sword so hack'd?

Now tell me truthfully, how did Falstaff’s sword get so damaged?

PETO.

Why, he hack'd it with his dagger; and said he would swear truth out of

England, but he would make you believe it was done in fight; and

persuaded us to do the like.

Why, he hacked it with his dagger; and he said he would tell any lie

he had to, but he would make you believe it was done in a fight; and

he persuaded us to do the same.

BARD.

Yea, and to tickle our noses with spear-grass to make them bleed;

and then to beslubber our garments with it, and swear it was the

blood of true men. I did that I did not this seven year before;

I blush'd to hear his monstrous devices.

Yes, and to stick sharp grasses up our noses to make them bleed;

and then to smear our clothes with it, and swear it was the

blood of brave men.I did something I haven’t done for the last seven years;

I blushed to hear his plans.

PRINCE.

O villain, thou stolest a cup of sack eighteen years ago, and wert

taken with the manner, and ever since thou hast blush'd extempore.

Thou hadst fire and sword on thy side, and yet thou rann'st away:

what instinct hadst thou for it?

Oh villain, you stole a cup of sack eighteen years ago, and

got a taste for it, and ever since then you can blush at will.

You had numbers and weapons on your side, but you ran away;

what’s your excuse?

BARD.

My lord, do you see these meteors? do you behold these

exhalations?

My lord, do you see these fiery meteors?