The Complete Memories Series (48 page)

Her lips touch his neck softly, her eyes icy and focused on me. Bing jolts, shoving her away, and she smirks at me. I nod at her once.

She wins, because I can’t keep fighting that losing battle with her. I’m only twenty, but I’m too damn old for petty school girl games.

I step backwards as Bing
turns, and I hear him yell. The words all run into each other, and that’s what I need to do. I need to run – even though it’s not his fault, it’s all her, and I know he’ll chase me, but I need to get away.

“Jen!” he yells, and I shove my way past people to get out of
the park. I glance at the road and run across the empty street. I slam the code into the keypad, yank the door open, and move straight past the lift to the stairs. I take them two at a time and I can hear his footsteps thundering after me.

I push my front door shut behind me, walking across the room to the window. The door opens and closes.

“Please leave,” I say quietly.

“Jen…”
He crosses the room to my side and raises his hand to move hair from my face. I shake my head, and step back.

“Please don
’t,” I whisper. “I can’t-”

“It was all her. Not me. Believe me, Jen.”

“I know that.” I step back again. “I know it wasn’t you, but I can’t do it. I’ve tried, Bing. I’ve tried so fucking hard to deal with her and all of her bullshit, but I can’t anymore.”

Each word is killing me slowly. It
’s snapping off a piece of my heart, breaking it and shattering it. I don’t want this. I don’t want to walk away. He’s become everything so quickly.

“Maybe…” My breath hitches. “…Maybe what we had was never meant to be anything more than sex.”

“What we had?” he asks, his voice more vulnerable than I’ve ever heard. “No, Jen, it hasn’t just disappeared because you decided you can’t do it anymore! It’s always been there, and maybe it always will be, but what we have is more than just sex. Every time I watched you fly apart in my arms, every time we played, joked, laughed, that was more than sex, babe. It was more than sex when I promised you forever.” Tears fill my eyes and I look down. “When I promised you forever, Jen, I fucking meant it. I mean every goddamn word I said.”

He moves from me, and I hear his footsteps in the direction of the door.

“Obviously you didn’t if you’re walking away so easily.”

“I
’m not the one walking away!” he yells. “You are, even though it’s breaking your damn heart, you’re still walking away. Where’s
my
Jen, huh? Where’s my Jen that would have walked right up to Heidi and put her on her ass for what she did?”

I shake my head and turn away. She got lost. She got lost when she did something stupid like give Samuel Edwards her heart.

“I’m not walking away from us, Jen. I promised forever and I’m gonna give it to you. I just can’t stand here and watch you cry, watch you push me away, because it hurts too much. I can’t stand there next to you and watch your heart break because it breaks mine, too.”

“Bing-”

“My name isn’t Bing. It’s Sam,” he says firmly. “I stopped being Bing the second I met you. A real man gives up one night stands for the one girl he can’t live without, and you’re that girl, babe. I gave it all up to give you forever.”

The door slams, and I sink back onto the sofa, tears spilling over my eyes. Shit.

I shove the front door open, kicking it shut with too much force. I storm past the front room, and Mum appears in the doorway.

“Sam? What
’s wrong?” she asks, her eyes following me.

“I can
’t, Mum. I can’t.” I shake my head, moving towards the basement.

“Sam?”

I shake my head again, like it’s the only thing my body can remember how to do, and fly down the steps into the basement gym. I head straight for the old punching bag in the corner, forgoing any gloves, and slam my foot into it.

Anger. I don
’t know if I’ve ever been so pissed in my life. The way she just walked away. The way she just stood there as if our relationship was water running between her fingers. Like there was no possible way she could hold onto it, no matter how hard she tried.

Like she didn
’t even fucking care. And that’s bullshit. Because she does care. And that’s why she can’t do it – she cares more than she’s ever admitted.

What if I
’d admitted it? What if I’d come out and just said “Hey, remember when I said I was falling for your crazy ass? Well, here’s an update: I’ve fallen for you,” would she have admitted it?

‘
Cause that’s the truth. I’ve fallen so far for her I don’t know which way is out. For some reason I’m in love with her, and I have no idea how to deal with her walking away.

“Fuuuuuuuck!” I yell, slamming the punching bag into the wall. It swings back to me and I grab it, leaning my forehead against it and breathing heavily.

“Something has your boxers up your ass,” Lexy says from behind me.

“Don
’t, Lex. Fucking don’t,” I warn, standing up straight and pushing off from the bag.

“This isn
’t good,” she murmurs, sitting up on the small table and swinging her legs below her. “Wanna talk?”

“Wanna tell me why some girls are such vindictive bitches?” I throw back.

“What’s she done?”

I sigh, rubbing my hands across my face. “She played her usual tricks. Jen
’s had enough. Said she can’t do it anymore. Shit.”

“What did you say?” Lexy asks softly.

“I told her I wasn’t walking away from us. I told her everything except what I should have.” I sigh again, rubbing my eyes with the heels of my hands, and I sink onto the chair behind me. “Shit, Lex. I dunno what I’m supposed to say to her.”

“Sounds like you said everything you could have, Bing.”

“Sam,” I correct. “My name is Sam.” I look up at her, and she smiles knowingly.

“Sounds like you said everything you could have,
Sam,
” she repeats, patting my shoulder.

“Like I said. I said everything except what I should have.”

“Mmm.”

“Should have told her I love her. Hell, I should have said that at the same time I promised her forever. I should have said it a long, long time ago.” I drop my head down. “And now look. Heidi
’s got her claws in and ripped everything down, everything I worked so damn hard to build between me and Jen. It’s gone, just like that, and I have absolutely no idea where to start in putting it all back together.”

“What you need
is the romantic version of superglue.”

“Isn
’t that a ring?” I raise my head back up.

Lexy
’s eyes widen. “I was gonna say roses, but okay, I guess that works.”

“Roses are good.” I look out of the
window. “She likes roses.”

“You
’re the one that’s supposed to buy them for her.” Lexy smirks. “I just show up with wine and chocolate.”

“Do that tonight. She needs you. She was… I don
’t even wanna think about how she was when I left.”

“So why did you go?”

“Because I couldn’t look at her like that. It was easier to leave her than not be able to hold her, Lex. I couldn’t do it. Watching her cry was almost enough to make me cry, and if that makes me less of a man, then fuck it.”

“I don
’t think it does.” She picks at a bit of fluff on her jeans. “I think it proves how much you do love her. I think it makes you more of a man if you cry.” She shrugs a shoulder. “There’s nothing wrong with it. Mum told me that. Crying is good for you.”

“I
’m not gonna cry, Lex, because then that’d mean I’d lost her. I haven’t – not yet – and if I have my way, I won’t lose her.”

I commend whoever created the onesie. Also, if you are the creator of Ben and Jerrys and wine, your names should be put on a fucking plaque on the street of every capital city in the world.

I might also be singing the praises of salt and vinegar crunchy sticks right now, too.

What’s a girl to do?

A small knock on my front door is followed by it opening quietly.

“I don’t care who you are, you should go away,” I mumble.

“One, it
’s a good job I’m not a serial killer, and two, you should learn to lock your front door if you don’t want visitors,” Lexy calls. The door swings shut.

“Oh. I suppose you can stay.” I watch as whoever it is leaves whatever show it is on my television. I don
’t care. I don’t even know what I’m watching.

“I have wine and chocolate?” she offers, waving two bags in the air. I smile weakly, letting my head rest against the back of the sofa.

She puts the bags down, disappears into my kitchen for a glass, and pours herself a wine. She tops my glass up and sits next to me, tucking her legs under the quilt.

“You look like shit.”

“Gee, thanks. You really know how to make me feel good. Did you skip the ‘What Not to Say In Case Of a Broken Heart’ section in the best friend manual?” I ask dryly.

“I skimmed it.” She grins. “And I have been ordered to be here, so you know, I figure that part doesn
’t count.”

“Ordered to be here?”

“Yep.” She settles back. “What’s this crap you’re watching?”

“Bimbos and Abs, it looks like,” I quip. “Who ordered you to be here?”

“Samuel.”

“Samuel.”

“Yes. Samuel.”

“Huh.”

“What?”

“He really has dropped his name.”

“Yep. He got annoyed when I called him Bing, and I only wanted to know why he was smashing the shit out of the punching bag. I think he broke some of the stitching.”

I swallow, looking into my glass. My chest tightens a little, and I have to take a deep breath. “Yeah. He was kinda pissed when he left here,” I say quietly.

“Well, hell,” she cries. “
I’m
kinda pissed, Jen. My big brother is through the roof, steam-coming-from-his-ears pissed.”

My lips quirk at that visual. “Yeah. I can imagine.” My face drops again, and I spin my glass slowly between my fingers. “I think I
’d probably feel that way if I didn’t feel like I’d just been kicked in the gut by a horse.”

“I think he feels a little of that too. He just feels his anger first. He always has.” Lexy smirks. “He stubbed his toe on the kitchen table when he was about eight, and instead of registering the pain, he got angry and kicked the table with his other foot. He had two stubbed toes, and he was still angrier than he was in pain. It took him a few minutes to calm down and realise he
’d just bashed the hell out of both of his feet.”

I give a sad smile. “Why am I not surprised?”

“It gets better. He had a football match straight after. He hobbled for about ten minutes into it.”

“Yep. That sounds like my Samuel,” I whisper.

“Your Samuel, huh?”

I nod. “Well he is, isn
’t he? Bloody great buffoon that he is, he’s mine.” I sniff a little, fighting back some tears. “But I can’t be his, because I can’t deal with her.”

“He
’s not gonna let it go, Jen. Your best bet is just giving in to him and giving him what he wants, ‘cause he ain’t gonna stop till he’s got you back. In his mind, he still has you.”

“Don
’t, Lexy.”

“It
’s true. You have to accept that because he won’t give up on you.”

I lift my eyes to hers, and they
’re soft just like her voice. “Because he always gets what he wants, right?”

“Because he doesn
’t give up on something he believes in, and he believes in you.”

~

I wrap my arms around the two foot tall toddler as she falls into me and bury my face in her blonde curls.

“An Jen!” Daisy yells, squeezing me.

“Hey, Daisy duck!” I kiss the side of her head, putting a smile on for her sake. I pull back from her and look into her big blue eyes. “Were you good for mummy in the car?”

She nods, her face innocent, and sucks on the corner of her blanket.

“Are we gonna cause some mischief this weekend?” I glance over the top of her head at my sister and wink. She rolls her eyes, and Daisy nods again.

“Bisc? Bisc?” she asks, looking at the kitchen.

“You want a biscuit?” I stand, and she nods. I look at Hannah. “Can she say “yeah” yet?”

“Nope.” She smacks her lips together. “You have to watch her nods or head shakes.”

“Great.” I mutter. “There’s a two foot child running around my absolutely not child proofed flat that can’t talk besides basic words.”

“Oh, shut up.” Hannah laughs,
taking Daisy’s coat off. I grab a biscuit from the cupboard and hand it to Daisy, grinning as she snatches it and bounces into my front room.

“How was the car ride?” I flick the kettle on and hear a rattling noise as Daisy
’s bag is emptied.

“It was hell. Babies are not made for long car journeys, and then Lloyd called me six times because he
’s misplaced his work socks, his work badge, his wallet, his keys, one of his shoes-”

“And his phone?” I snicker.

“How did you know?” my sister asks wryly. “I swear, he’d lose his head if it wasn’t screwed on and locked with a deadbolt.”

“Tea?”

“Please.”

“Well,” I say as I drop two teabags into mugs. “I think that
’s a male thing in general.”

“Talking of males…” Hannah trails off. I can feel her eyes hot on my back, and I know she
’s taking in the oversized male jumper I’m wearing.

Yes, I was the one that walked away. But that doesn
’t mean it hasn’t ripped me apart. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. It doesn’t mean I don’t already miss him.

“Do we have to?” I pass her a mug without looking at her. “How about a nice girl
’s weekend? You know, shopping, sleepover with chick flicks, junk food, and painted nails…”

“From what I
’ve heard on the grapevine-”

“You mean the Lexy-vine.”

“You two are inseparable. Or, you were… So if I hadn’t already had a call from her this morning telling me what happened yesterday, I’d be surprised he’s not here and that you’re wrapped up in his jumper, holding it against you like it’ll disappear if you don’t.” She raises her perfectly arched eyebrows, settling in a chair at the table.

I glance over at Daisy, sitting on my rug playing with her toys and spraying crumbs everywhere. “I don
’t want to talk about it. Not around Daisy. I don’t want her to see me sad.”

“I don
’t wanna see you sad either, Jen,” Hannah says softly. “But I’m your big sister. We gotta talk about this tonight, okay?”

“Pretty sure we never talked about anything.”

“That’s because we were both petty teens arguing over who used the last of the hairspray.” She smirks. “We’ve grown up now. I know what it feels like to lose the person you love, for however short a time. Remember when me and Lloyd broke up three years ago? I didn’t leave my bedroom for-”

“Six days, except to pee.” I nod. “I know. I had to bring you food and drinks while you curled up in bed, listening to sappy songs, exhausting the stock of tissues in the village.”

She waves a hand, smiling slightly. “Exaggeration!” I raise an eyebrow, and she looks down. “Okay,” she mumbles. “Maybe only a slight exaggeration. So tonight, we’ll get Daisy bathed and in bed. Then we’ll order a takeaway, I’ll buy copious amounts of wine and junk food at Tesco, and then we’ll sit and sob. Okay?”

My face breaks into a genuine, yet small, smile. “Okay.”

~