The Complete Mapp & Lucia (128 page)

‘Hurrah, I’m dining with the Wyses tonight,’ said Georgie. ‘They’ll soon know.’

Lucia knitted her brows in profound thought.

‘And then there’s that incident about our pictures, yours and mine, being rejected by the hanging committee of the Art Club,’ said she. ‘We have both kept the forms we received saying that they regretted having to return them, and I think, Georgie, that while you are on the subject of Elizabeth Mapp, you might show yours to Mr Wyse. He is a member, so is Susan, of the committee, and I think they have a right to know that our pictures were rejected on official forms without ever coming before the committee at all. I behaved towards our poor friend with a magnanimity that now appears to me excessive, and since she does not appreciate magnanimity we will try her with something else. That would not be amiss.’ Lucia rose.

‘And now let us leave this very disagreeable subject for the present,’ she said, ‘and take the taste of it out of our mouths with a little music. Beethoven, noble Beethoven, don’t you think? The fifth symphony, Georgie, for four hands. Fate knocking at the door.’

Georgie rather thought that Lucia smacked her lips as she said, ‘this very disagreeable subject’, but he was not certain, and presently Fate was knocking at the door with Lucia’s firm fingers, for she took the treble.

They had a nice long practice, and when it was time to go home Lucia detained him.

‘I’ve got one thing to say to you, Georgie,’ she said, ‘though not about that paltry subject. I’ve sold the Hurst, I’ve bought this new property, and so I’ve made a new will. I’ve left Grebe and all it contains to you, and also, well, a little sum of money. I should like you to know that.’

Georgie was much touched.

‘My dear, how wonderful of you,’ he said. ‘But I hope it will be ages and ages before—’

‘So do I, Georgie,’ she said in her most sincere manner.

Tilling had known tensions before and would doubtless know them again. Often it had been on a very agreeable rack of suspense, as when, for instance, it had believed (or striven to believe) that Major Benjy might be fighting a duel with that old crony of his, Captain Puffin, lately deceased. Now there was a suspense of a more intimate quality (for nobody would have cared at all if Captain Puffin had been killed, nor much, if Major Benjy), for it was as if the innermost social guts of Tilling were attached to some relentless windlass, which, at any moment now, might be wound, but not relaxed. The High Street next morning, therefore, was the scene of almost painful excitement. The Wyses’ Royce, with Susan smothered in sables, went up and down, until she was practically certain that she had told everybody that she and Algernon had retired from the hanging committee of the Art Club, pending explanations which they had requested Miss (no longer Elizabeth) Mapp to furnish, but which they had no hope of receiving. Susan was perfectly explicit about the cause of this step, and Algernon who, at a very early hour, had interviewed the errand-boy at the frame-shop, was by her side, to corroborate all she said. His high-bred reticence, indeed, had been even more weighty than Susan’s volubility. ‘I am afraid it is all too true,’ was all that could be got out of him. Two hours had now elapsed since their resignations had been sent in, and still no reply had come from Mallards.

But that situation was but an insignificant fraction of the prevalent suspense, for the exhibition had been open and closed months before, and if Tilling was to make a practice of listening to such posthumous revelations, life would cease to have any poignant interest, but be wholly occupied in retrospective retributions. Thrilling therefore as was the past, as revealed by the stern occupants of the Royce, what had happened only yesterday on the doorstep of Mallards was far more engrossing. The story of that, by 11.30 a.m., already contained several remarkable variants. The Padre affirmed that Georgie had essayed to enter Mallards without knocking, and that Miss Mapp (the tendency to call her Miss Mapp was spreading) had seen Lucia in her motor just below the window of the garden-room, and had called out ‘Turn in,
Georgino mio,
no tarsome chains now that Elizabeth has got back to her own housie-pousie.’ Diva had reason to believe that Elizabeth (she still stuck to that) had not seen Lucia in her motor, and had called out of the window to Georgie ‘Ring the belly-pelly, dear, for I’m afraid the chain is on the door.’ Mrs Bartlett (she was no use at all) said, ‘All so distressing and exciting and Christmas Day next week, and very little good will, oh dear me!’ Irene had said, ‘That old witch will get what for.’

Again, it was known that Major Benjy had called at Mallards soon after the scene, whatever it was, had taken place, and had refused to go into the garden-room, when he heard that Georgie was painting Elizabeth’s portrait. Withers was witness (she had brought several pots of jam to Diva’s house that morning, not vegetable marrow at all, but raspberry, which looked like a bribe) that the Major had said ‘Faugh!’ when she told him that Georgie was there. Major Benjy himself could not be cross-examined because he had gone out by the eleven o’clock tram to play golf. Lucia had not been seen in the High Street at all, nor had Miss Mapp, and Georgie had only passed through it in his car, quite early, going in the direction of Grebe. This absence of the principals, in these earlier stages of development, was felt to be in accordance with the highest rules of dramatic technique, and everybody, as far as was known, was to meet that very night at Lucia’s house-warming. Opinion as to what would happen then was as divergent as the rumours of what had happened already. Some said that Miss Mapp had declined the invitation on the plea that she was engaged to dine with Major Benjy. This was unlikely, because he never had anybody to dinner. Some said that she had accepted, and that Lucia no doubt intended to send out a message that she was not expected, but that Georgie’s car would take her home again. So sorry. All this, however, was a matter of pure conjecture, and it was work enough to sift out what had happened, without wasting time (for time was precious) in guessing what would happen.

The church clock had hardly struck half-past eleven (winter time) before the first of the principals appeared on the stage of the High Street. This was Miss Mapp, wreathed in smiles, and occupied in her usual shopping errands. She trotted about from grocer to butcher, and butcher to general stores, where she bought a mouse-trap, and was exceedingly affable to tradespeople. She nodded to her friends, she patted Mr Woolgar’s dog on the head, she gave a penny to a ragged individual with a lugubrious baritone voice who was singing ‘The Last Rose of Summer’, and said ‘Thank you for your sweet music.’ Then after pausing for a moment on the pavement in front of Wasters, she rang the bell. Diva, who had seen her from the window, flew to open it.

‘Good morning, Diva dear,’ she said. ‘I just looked in. Any news?’

‘Good gracious, it’s I who ought to ask you that,’ said Diva. ‘What
did
happen really?’

Elizabeth looked very much surprised.

‘How? When? Where?’ she asked.

‘As if you didn’t know,’ said Diva, fizzing with impatience. ‘Mr Georgie, Lucia, paint-boxes, no chain on the door, you at the garden-room window, belly-pelly. Etcetera. Yesterday morning.’

Elizabeth put her finger to her forehead, as if trying to recall some dim impression. She appeared to succeed.

‘Dear gossipy one,’ she said, ‘I believe I know what you mean. Georgie came to paint in the garden-room, as he so often does—’

‘Do you call him Georgie?’ asked Diva in an eager parenthesis.

‘Yes, I fancy that’s his name, and he calls me Elizabeth.’

‘No!’ said Diva.

‘Yes,’ said Elizabeth. ‘Do not interrupt me, dear… I happened to be at the window as he rang the bell, and I just popped my head out, and told him he was a naughty boy not to walk straight in.’

‘In baby-talk?’ asked Diva. ‘Like Lucia?’

‘Like any baby you chance to mention,’ said Elizabeth. ‘Why not?’

‘But with her sitting in her car just below?’

‘Yes, dear, it so happened that she was just coming to leave an invitation on me for her house-warming tonight. Are you going?’

‘Yes, of course, everybody is. But how could you do it?’

Elizabeth sat wrapped in thought.

‘I’m beginning to see what you mean,’ she said at length. ‘But what an absurd notion. You mean, don’t you, that dear Lulu thinks—goodness, how ridiculous—that I was mimicking her.’

‘Nobody knows what she thinks,’ said Diva. ‘She’s not been seen this morning.’

‘But gracious goodness me, what have I done?’ asked Elizabeth. ‘Why this excitement? Is there a law that only Mrs Lucas of Grebe may call Georgie, Georgie? So ignorant of me if there is. Ought I to call him Frederick? And pray, why shouldn’t I talk baby-talk? Another law perhaps. I must get a book of the laws of England.’

‘But you knew she was in the car just below you and must have heard.’

Elizabeth was now in possession of what she wanted to know. Diva was quite a decent barometer of Tilling weather, and the weather was stormy.

‘Rubbish, darling,’ she said. ‘You are making mountains out of mole-hills. If Lulu heard—and I don’t know that she did, mind—what cause of complaint has she? Mayn’t I say Georgie? Mayn’t I say “vewy naughty boy”? Let us hear no more about it. You will see this evening how wrong you all are. Lulu will be just as sweet and cordial as ever. And you will hear with your own ears how Georgie calls me Elizabeth.’

These were brave words, and they very fitly represented the stout heart that inspired them. Tilling had taken her conduct to be equivalent to an act of war, exactly as she had meant it to be, and if anyone thought that E. M. was afraid they were wrong… Then there was that matter of Mr Wyse’s letter, resigning from the hanging committee. She must tap the barometer again.

‘I think everybody is a shade mad this morning,’ she observed, ‘and I should call Mr Wyse, if anybody asked me to be candid, a raving lunatic. There was a little misunderstanding months and months ago—I am vague about it—concerning two pictures that Lulu and Georgie sent in to the art exhibition in the summer. I thought it was all settled and done with. But I did act a little irregularly. Technically I was wrong, and when I have been wrong about a thing, as you very well know, dear Diva, I am not ashamed to confess it.’

‘Of course you were wrong,’ said Diva cordially, ‘if Mr Wyse’s account of it is correct. You sent the pictures back, such beauties, too, with a formal rejection from the hanging committee when they had never seen them at all. So rash, too: I wonder at you.’

These unfavourable comments did not make the transaction appear any the less irregular.

‘I said I was wrong, Diva,’ remarked Elizabeth with some asperity, ‘and I should have thought that was enough. And now Mr Wyse, raking bygones up again in the way he has, has written to me to say that he and Susan resign their places on the hanging committee.’

‘I know: they told everybody,’ said Diva. ‘Awkward. What are you going to do?’

The barometer had jerked alarmingly downwards on this renewed tapping.

‘I shall cry peccavi,’ said Elizabeth, with the air of doing something exceedingly noble. ‘I shall myself resign. That will show that whatever anybody else does, I am doing the best in my power to put right a technical error. I hope Mr Wyse will appreciate that, and be ashamed of the letter he wrote me. More than that, I shall regard his letter as having been written in a fit of temporary insanity, which I trust will not recur.’

‘Yes; I suppose that’s the best thing you can do,’ said Diva. ‘It will show him that you regret what you did, now that it’s all found out.’

‘That is not generous of you, Diva,’ cried Elizabeth, ‘I am sorry you said that.’

‘More than I am,’ said Diva. ‘It’s a very fair statement. Isn’t it now? What’s wrong with it?’

Elizabeth suddenly perceived that at this crisis it was unwise to indulge in her usual tiffs with Diva. She wanted allies.

‘Diva, dear, we mustn’t quarrel,’ she said. ‘That would never do. I felt I had to pop in to consult you as to the right course to take with Mr Wyse, and I’m so glad you agree with me. How I trust your judgment! I must be going. What a delightful evening we have in store for us. Major Benjy was thinking of declining, but I persuaded him it would not be kind. A house-warming, you know. Such a special occasion.’

The evening to which everybody had looked forward so much was, in the main, a disappointment to bellicose spirits. Nothing could exceed Lucia’s cordiality to Elizabeth unless it was Elizabeth’s to Lucia: they left the dining-room at the end of dinner with arms and waists intertwined, a very bitter sight. They then played bridge at the same table, and so loaded each other with compliments while deploring their own errors, that Diva began to entertain the most serious fears that they had been mean enough to make it up on the sly, or that Lucia in a spirit of Christian forbearance, positively unnatural, had decided to overlook all the attacks and insults with which Elizabeth had tried to provoke her. Or did Lucia think that this degrading display of magnanimity was a weapon by which she would secure victory, by enlisting for her the sympathy and applause of Tilling? If so, that was a great mistake; Tilling did not want to witness a demonstration of forgiveness or white feathers but a combat without quarter. Again, if she thought that such nobility would soften the malevolent heart of Mapp, she showed a distressing ignorance of Mapp’s nature, for she would quite properly construe this as not being nobility at all but the most ignoble cowardice. There was Georgie under Lucia’s very nose, interlarding his conversation with far more ‘Elizabeths’ than was in the least necessary to show that he was talking to her, and she volleyed ‘Georgies’ at him in return. Every now and then, when these discharges of Christian names had been particularly resonant, Elizabeth caught Diva’s eye with a glance of triumph as if to remind her that she had prophesied that Lulu would be all sweetness and cordiality, and Diva turned away sick at heart.