The Color of Heaven (18 page)

He hung up without saying good-bye.

I went back to my room and cried for a while, and wondered if he was right. Maybe I had lost my mind. I remembered how Matt had treated me in

the car on the way back from Marblehead, when he had shut me out with such ice-cold derision.

Peter had never treated me that way. We had never hurt each other, nor had we ever argued heatedly about anything. At least not until today.

A short while, later I dragged myself up off the bed and returned to the phone booth to drop another coin into the slot. This time I would tel my

parents about Matt’s il ness and explain how I had just broken Peter’s heart and ended our unofficial engagement. I suspected they weren’t going to

be happy about it either. And I was right. They were very sorry to hear about Matt’s diagnosis, but they were deeply confused and bewildered by my

decision to end things with Peter, for he had become an important part of our family. They adored him, and they were concerned for me.

o0o

Over the next five days, Matt and I spent every possible waking moment together. He wouldn’t let me skip any classes, so he dropped me off five

minutes before each class and was there outside the building waiting for me when I came out.

If I had assignments or papers to write, he took me to the library, sat next to me and worked on finishing his own book while I studied or researched.

I won’t say it was easy. I had no interest in anthropology while he was sitting across a table from me, looking more handsome and appealing than

any man had a right to be. He was quite a distraction, and if I wasn’t simply marveling at how attractive he was, I was worrying about that tumor in

his brain and dreading the operation and everything he would have to endure before he recovered.

Or what if this was it? I wondered miserably. What if he didn’t survive and these were our last days together?

Was he afraid? I was, but I couldn’t let him know it. Whenever my thoughts ventured into those disturbing territories, I took hold of my heart with a firm hand and redirected my thinking. A simple smile from Matt was usual y enough to calm me. That’s when I realized I could hide nothing from him.

Somehow he always sensed when I was afraid. His gaze would lift from the pages of his notebook. In those moments he would kiss my hand or my

cheek, and reassure me without ever speaking a word.

We were connected to each other. We always would be. No matter what happened, I knew that nothing about our relationship would be brief.

o0o

I dreamed, on the fifth night, that I was walking through the forest at dusk. An owl hooted somewhere nearby. A thick layer of amber-colored pine

needles carpeted the ground, and I could feel them snap and break beneath my feet as I meandered through the trees. I could hear the whispery

rush of the sea from somewhere beyond my little grove. I could smel the saltiness, feel the chil of a fog bank rol ing in…

Everything was stil al around me, and suddenly I grew frightened. I felt very alone.

Then I heard a terrible roar behind me and thought it was an animal. I whipped around just as a cold ocean wave crashed into me, lifted me off my

feet and carried me out of the woods.

I’m not sure how the dream ended, but I think I must have drowned. I woke up in a panic, gasping for air.

o0o

Matt picked me up at lunch hour the fol owing day, and I told him about the dream.

As soon as I mentioned the wave that swept me away, he looked at me sharply and pul ed over onto the side of the road.

He sat staring straight ahead, gripping the steering wheel, tapping his thumb on it. Then he slid across the seat and pul ed me into his arms.

I had always known that Matt was a spiritual person, but on the surface he appeared tough and masculine to the rest of the world. In high school,

because of the way he dressed and smoked and drank, most kids were afraid of him.

But when I told him about my dream, he broke down in front of me and wept into my arms like a child who had become lost and was just found.

I’m not sure how long we sat there in his brother’s car, but I remember very clearly how I held him and kissed the top of his head and stroked his

hair. No matter how tightly I held him, however, I couldn’t seem to get close enough. I loved him with such passion. There are no words to describe

it. I would have died for him that night, if it would have taken away his pain.

At the same time, I knew he wouldn’t have let me because he would have done the same for me. It’s why he was crying. He knew my dream was a

product of my fear. He was facing death, and therefore, so was I. He was mourning the fact that I had to share his pain.

“I’m so sorry,” he said. “I didn’t want to take you with me into this. I should have stayed away.”

“No,” I told him. “It would have been worse if you’d stayed away, because my life would have been consumed by regret – the regret of not being with

you. Thank God you came. Otherwise hel would have fol owed me forever.”

That night, after dark, we found a deserted country road outside of town and parked for a while. We climbed into the back seat, kissed and took off

some of our clothes so we could touch each other. He asked if I was stil a virgin and I told him I was, but I didn’t want to be. Not with him.

He insisted that we should wait, because the future was so uncertain.

I agreed, but very reluctantly, and only for the time being.

Sometimes life can be impossibly cruel. I know that now. I discovered it in those days leading up to Matt’s surgery, when we didn’t know if it was the beginning of our life together or the end.

But that’s life, isn’t it? For al we know, each day could be our last. What matters most is the appreciation and gratefulness we should feel for each precious day we have with one another.

I lived more passionately in those five days with Matt than I’d lived my entire life. His pain was my pain, but the corresponding joy was immense. We were one, and that closeness, that connection, is what brought me closest to heaven.

Love is our greatest achievement. Don’t ever forget that. Don’t squander it. Seek it. Experience it. Savor it every day that you can, because you

never know when a rogue wave might sweep you away.

o0o

“What if I choose not to have the surgery?” Matt said to me one afternoon while we were sitting by the lake on campus, watching the rowers.

“What do you mean? You have to have it.”

He leaned back on an elbow and looked out at the water. “No. The doctor gave me a choice. He said that if I have it, there’s a fifty percent chance

I’l die on the operating table. If I don’t have it, I could live for a whole year.”

“Six months to a year,” I reminded him, because every minute counted.

He glanced across at me. “The surgery’s in a week, which is making six months look pretty good right now, if I knew I could spend it with you.”

“Of course you could spend it with me,” I said. “I’m not going anywhere, no matter what happens, but I don’t think that’s the right choice. The surgery could cure you completely. We have to try.”

He nodded and tossed a smal pebble into the water. “I know. I just thought I’d mention it.”

I inched closer to him and laid my arm across his hips. “I guess it is something to consider. But don’t ask me to give up hope. Right now there’s a

good chance that in a month’s time, that tumor could be gone and you could be making plans for the future.”

He thought that for a moment. “If I do get my future back, I wil do whatever it takes to get you to marry me.”

I chuckled softly while a warm glow lit up my insides. “You wouldn’t have to do anything too difficult. I’d marry you tomorrow if you asked.”

He gave me a sexy look. “I thought you weren’t ready to be Miss Suzie Homemaker.”

“That was before. Things are different now.”

Careful y, he studied my eyes. “Because I might die?”

“No,” I firmly replied. “Because you’re here. Everything was wrong when you were gone from my life. Now it feels right again.”

He reclined onto his back and watched the clouds rol by. I, too, lay down and looked up at the sky.

“It does feel right,” he said. “I don’t ever want to be apart from you again, Cora. You’re like… the other half of me.”

“I don’t want to be apart from you either, which is why I want you to have that operation.”

He took hold of my hand and squeezed it. “Okay.”

Then suddenly, he squeezed it so hard, I cried out in pain. I jolted upright, just as his whole body began to seize.

“Matt! Are you al right?”

But he couldn’t answer me. His eyes were rol ing back in his head as he convulsed. I screamed for help, and people came running.

o0o

The seizure stopped before the ambulance arrived, but Matt didn’t regain consciousness until he reached the ER.

He was admitted and kept overnight while the doctors communicated with the medical team in Chicago to determine whether or not he should be

released. There was some talk of airlifting him back and doing the surgery right away, but the fol owing morning, when his vitals improved, they told us he could go home, but that he shouldn’t get behind the wheel of a car because there was a high likelihood of more seizures, which could occur at

any time without warning.

Matt’s brother, Gordon, who had come to the hospital that morning, gave me the keys to the car and told me to do the driving from that moment on.

I went to see my professors in the afternoon, explained my situation, and told them I would be gone for a few weeks. They were exceedingly helpful

and gave me advance reading assignments and papers to complete while I was gone, and told me to come back when I was ready.

Matt and I left for Chicago the fol owing day.

I didn’t tel my parents.

o0o

That night, we checked into a roadside motel, and I wondered what my parents would think if they knew where I was or that I was about to share a

bed with Matt, after breaking up with Peter only a week ago. To me, it felt like a lifetime.

I knew I would have to confess eventual y. I just wasn’t ready to talk about it yet, or defend my decision to put everything aside for him. They simply wouldn’t understand. No one would.

Matt carried our bags in and set them down at the foot of the bed.

“I wonder if this is some kind of test.” He shrugged out of his leather jacket and tossed it onto the chair. “I’ve worked hard to be a gentleman so far, and God knows you deserve nothing less, but I can’t sleep on the floor tonight, Cora. I want to be close to you.”

Immediately, I wrapped my arms around his neck. “That’s what I want, too. No one knows we’re here. It’s just us. You and me. As far as I’m

concerned, the rest of the world doesn’t even exist, so we can live by our own rules.”

He held me tight, then pressed his lips to mine. I felt like a woman, not a girl anymore. He was my mate, my partner, my great love, and nothing had

ever felt so right and so real. I had no doubts about anything, and as I unbuttoned his shirt and slid my hands across his warm, muscular chest, al I wanted to do was give everything to him and take everything I could in return.

Our passions escalated quickly. Within seconds, I was kicking off my shoes and pul ing my sweater off over my head.

Matt ripped his shirt off and eased me down onto the bed. His body covered mine in a wild frenzy of desperation. He kissed me fiercely and thrust

his hips forward, cupping my behind in his hands and pul ing me closer, almost roughly, but never hurting me.

We stil wore our jeans, which was the only thing stopping us from making love. He unhooked my bra and caressed my breasts, kissed my neck

tenderly, told me he loved me.

“I love you, too,” I whispered. “I’l love you forever.”

Everything about him aroused me. I wanted him with a fire that defied reason.

I had never been able to give myself to Peter. This was why. Matt was the one, and nothing could have held me back from this. Nothing else

mattered. I didn’t care how much time we had together. Al I cared about was this moment in his arms, our bodies pressed together in love. I wanted

to give him everything.

He unbuttoned my jeans and slid his hand down inside, and I climaxed almost immediately.

His open mouth smothered my cries, as I fumbled with his belt and tried to push his jeans down over his hips.

“No,” he whispered into my mouth, shaking his head and eventual y rising up onto his hands and knees. “I don’t want to do this, not yet. I want to

marry you.”

I blinked up at him in a bewildered haze of arousal and confusion. “I don’t care about that. Please, I want to be as close to you as possible. Tonight.”

Brow furrowed, he stared down at me. “I can’t do that. We need to wait. I don’t know what’s going to happen.”

Cradling the back of his head in my hand, I pul ed him close for another soul-reaching kiss. “I don’t know either, which is why I want to make the

most of every minute. Please make love to me. I want you to be the one.”

My heart was pounding like a hammer. Al my nerve endings quivered with a feverish need to give everything to him, but in the end, he would not

give himself to me in return.

A heavy tear fel from his cheek to mine, and he sat up on the bed, raked his fingers through his hair, and shook his head. “I can’t. Not until I know for sure that I’l be around to be with you forever.”

I sat up too, wrapped my arms around his neck, and told him that I loved him.

But I wanted more. I wanted so much more.

I rose from the bed, opened my suitcase, and went into the bathroom to change into my nightgown and brush my teeth.

While the water poured in a hissing rush out of the faucet, I sat on the edge of the tub and quietly wept. They were not tears of misery, however. I