The Color of a Dream (21 page)

“Like what?” I shut the bathroom door in her
face.

“Like suddenly decide to take Ellen on an
extended vacation to Mexico?”

I rolled my eyes as I stepped into the silk
polka dot pajama bottoms and pulled on a pair of socks. “Don’t be
ridiculous.”

I had to stop to cough, then I pulled on the
pajama top and fastened the buttons.

“Are you okay?” Diana asked through the
door. “What are you planning?”

“I told you, I’m going to find Jesse so that
we can take Ellen home.” I opened the bathroom door. “Then I’m
going to call Rick and do what I should have done ages ago.”

“What’s that?” she asked.

“Beg.”

“It won’t make any difference,” she
said.

“How can you be so sure?” Diana followed me
to the bedside stand where I picked up my cell phone and checked
the messages.

“Because Jesse already tried talking him out
of this,” she said, “and it didn’t do any good. And I tried calling
him too. Not as a lawyer, but as your sister.”

I halted in my tracks. “You didn’t tell me
that.”

She shrugged. “I had to try.”

“Well,” I said, pulling my hair into a
ponytail, “I guess that means it’s my turn to try. Nothing
ventured, nothing gained, right?”

I walked out to the nurses’ station and
asked to be discharged.

Shortly after we arrived home, Jesse handed
me the phone. “Good luck,” he said before backing out of the room
and closing the bedroom door behind him.

I waited until the sound of his footsteps
disappeared down the stairs, then I took a deep breath and dialed
Rick’s cell phone number. It rang only once.

“Hello?”

I swallowed uneasily. “Hi Rick? It’s
Nadia.”

There was a long pause before he spoke. “Hey
there. Geez, how are you doing? I heard you were back in the
hospital last night. Are you okay?”

“I am,” I replied, relaxing somewhat when I
recognized the note of concern in his voice. It took me back to the
early days when I first met him, when he was still with Diana. Back
then I thought he was the matrimonial catch of the decade…when he’d
been so charming. So warm and charismatic. And he’d come to my
rescue on more than one occasion. I really believed he cared and
that’s why I fell for him.

Now I refused to believe that he didn’t
possess a single shred of humanity. If it was there I was
determined to reach it.

“They sent me home this afternoon,” I
continued. “It wasn’t anything too serious. Just a mild case of
pneumonia, but obviously bad timing.”

“Yeah, I guess so,” he said. “I was
surprised when you didn’t show up this morning, but I’m glad to
hear you’re okay.”

I closed my eyes with relief and inched back
to recline on the pillows.

“I’m glad to hear you’re okay, too,” I said.
“I heard about your health issues. I’m sorry you had to go through
that. I know what it feels like.”

He cleared his throat. “I’m sure you do and
I won’t lie. It was rough. And hey…I’m sorry I didn’t send a card
or something when you were sick. I should have come to visit you. I
regret that I didn’t.”

His words were music to my ears. I felt a
flutter of hope…

“Please, you don’t have to apologize,” I
replied. “We were in a weird place back then, you and me. But
everything changes when you have a brush with death, doesn’t it? I
find it so much easier not to sweat the little things these days.
You realize how important it is just to be happy, to enjoy each
moment and live your life the best way you can.”

“I know exactly what you mean,” he agreed.
“I’m not the same guy I was before.” He paused. “Sometimes I wish I
had a time machine so I could go back and start my life over,
knowing what I know now. But that’s not possible so I just have to
keep moving forward. Try to be a better person.” He paused again.
“I really hope we can be friends, Nadia.”

Oh, thank God
. My heart swelled with
joy and I rose to my feet. “I’d like that, Rick—very much—because I
don’t want to lose all the good memories from the time we spent
together. You were amazing to me and you helped me so much. Sure,
we made some mistakes, but who hasn’t? What matters is that you
learn from them. It’s why I’m calling, actually. I’m sure there
must be some way to—”

To my surprise, he cut me off.

“Listen…” he said. “I’m really glad you
called and everything and that we had a chance to talk about this
stuff, but please don’t ask me to change my mind about coming to
get Ellen tomorrow because that’s not going to happen. I know it’s
tough for you and I’m sorry, but the judge made his decision today
and it’s for the best. Surely you know that.”

My heart sank and I felt my nails bite into
my palms. “No, I don’t know that because it’s
not
for the
best. She’s my daughter and I love her.”

“Of course you do,” he replied. “I
understand that and I sympathize. But we have to think about what’s
best for Ellen and after what happened to you last night, you of
all people should know that over the long term she’d be better off
with Christine and me.”

I clenched my jaw and fought the urge to say
a few choice words, words I might regret later. Though what I
really wanted to do was grab him by the shoulders and shake him
until his teeth fell out.

“She loves me,” I said, “and she’s happy
here. This is her home. If you take her away and don’t let her see
me, you’ll break her heart.”

“She’s just a baby,” he argued, “which is
why it’s important that we do this now. At this age she won’t even
remember the life she had with you in Boston. Judge Cassidy agreed
with that line of thinking and if
you
were thinking of her
welfare, not yours, you’d agree, too. But you’re not. You’re only
thinking of yourself.”

“Judge Cassidy agreed because he’s an
idiot,” I firmly stated, then I bit my lip in an effort to check
myself. “I’m sorry. Please listen. You know what it was like for me
being orphaned at birth and separated from Diana. That’s the last
thing in the world I want for Ellen and it should be the last thing
you want for her, too.”

Feeling as if I were plummeting into a deep
vat of defeat, I sat down on the bed and began to desperately try
to negotiate. “I truly believe that Ellen will be better off if we
all raise her together and if she isn’t separated from any of us.
We can share equal custody. Wouldn’t that be better? Ellen would
have four parents who love her instead of two.”

Rick was quiet for a moment. “You really
believe it would be all sunshine and roses with me and Jesse trying
to get along raising the same kid? We’d tear each other’s throats
out.”

“She’s not just some
kid
,” I argued.
“She’s our daughter and Jesse loves her. He’d do anything for her
and that includes getting along with you.”

Knowing their history and having this
conversation now, I couldn’t imagine any greater sacrifice. But
he’d do it. I knew he would.

Rick let out a weary sigh. “There’s really
no point discussing this, Nadia. We’re wasting each other’s time
because I’m not going to change my mind. I’m coming to get Ellen
tomorrow and if you want to try and take me to court again, that’s
your choice, but I hope you’ll just let it go because you know it’s
for the best.”

“
Let it go
? You really have no idea
what it means to love a child, do you?” I squeezed my eyes shut,
made a fist and pressed it to my forehead. “Please let me talk to
Christine.”

“She’s not here.”

“Where is she?”

“Gone out,” he replied.

I took a deep breath and counted to ten.
“Where are you staying?”

“I’m not telling you that,” he replied. “And
I swear to God, if you try and harass me or Christine you’ll lose
your visitation privileges altogether. I’ll get a restraining order
if I have to. Just accept the terms of the arrangement and leave us
alone.”

I squeezed my eyes shut again. Diana would
shoot me if she could hear this conversation. “Please don’t hang
up,” I pleaded.

Click
. The line went dead.

A few minutes later, after I wiped the tears
from my cheeks and cleaned up the broken box of crayons I’d thrown
against the wall, I walked out of my bedroom and returned to the
living room.

“You’re right,” I said to Jesse when I found
him sitting on the floor with Ellen, playing with a toy. “He hasn’t
changed at all.”

Jesse stood up, walked toward me and
gathered me into his arms.

I can’t even begin to describe the moments
leading up to Rick’s arrival at our door the following morning. It
was like facing death all over again—worse, actually.

I wasn’t surprised that he chose not to
bring Christine. Perhaps there was a part of him that was ashamed
and didn’t want her to see the emotional horrors that would take
place when he took my baby. Or maybe he feared he might end up
brawling in the dirt with the estranged brother he hadn’t seen in a
decade and didn’t want Christine to witness that.

Poor Jesse. I knew how difficult it was for
him to go outside and teach Rick how to fasten Ellen’s safety seat
into the rental car. I wasn’t sure Jesse could manage it without
sneaking in a sucker punch, but he maintained his self-control.

I wrapped Ellen in her blanket and held her
on my lap while we watched them from the porch steps.

I, too, had to fight to keep my composure.
“That’s your daddy,” I said, not wanting to cause her any anxiety.
“His name is Rick.”

“Wick,” she repeated.

“That’s right, but you can call him
Daddy.”

“
Daddy
.”

This was something I wasn’t sure my new
heart could endure.

When they secured the car seat, Jesse came
to fetch us. “It’s time,” he said.

A vein pulsed at his temple. A muscle
twitched at his jaw.

“I don’t think I can do this,” I said
shakily.

“We have to,” he replied, “but we’ll get her
back. I promise. I won’t rest until we do.”

I rose to my feet and carried Ellen to the
car where Rick stood waiting. I felt as if I were climbing steps to
an executioner’s block.

Desperately I glanced to the edge of the
yard and wondered how far I could get if I suddenly bolted into the
woods. Not far, I knew. Not with these lungs still full of
fluid.

“You’re doing the right thing,” Rick said to
me when I reached him.

I wanted to hit him. “But are
you
?” I
asked with a scowl.

He didn’t flinch. Not even a single spark of
doubt or regret flashed in his eyes.

Hearing Jesse’s footsteps on the gravel
behind me, I forced myself to buckle Ellen into the car seat while
struggling to put on a brave face for her. “There we go,” I said
cheerfully. “All buckled in.”

“Buckood in!” she repeated.

I covered her with her blue blanket and
turned to Rick. “She likes to hear a story before bed. I put her
favorite book in the suitcase. It’s called
Hairy Maclary’s
Caterwaul Caper
. It’s about a dog. And her blanket is called
Ouwix.”

“Thanks,” he said.

I had a lump in my throat the size of a
kiwi.

I turned to look down at Ellen in the car
seat.

Was it true? I wondered. Would she really
forget me in time?

She seemed so oblivious to what was
happening here. Would she grieve for me as I would grieve for her?
Every day for the rest of my life?

I thought of my biological mother who had
died on the day I was born. It hadn’t been a conscious thing, but I
knew I had grieved.

When it was time to shut the car door, I
couldn’t do it. I began to tremble and Ellen must have picked up on
my feelings because she began to cry. Within seconds she was
hysterical.

“Please, Rick,” I pleaded as he got into the
driver’s seat. “Don’t do this.”

But he
did
do it. Without an apology
or the smallest show of compassion for our pain, he shut the car
door.

Before I could say another word, he was
stirring up gravel as he backed out of the yard.

The last thing I saw was Ellen’s
panic-stricken face in the window and her hand reaching out to me
as she cried, “Mummy!”

I barely remember anything about the rest of
the day other than the fact that I spent the whole of it, until
sundown, curled up in a ball on my bed, staring at the wall. Jesse
lay beside me, but I couldn’t speak or move. I was numb and
inconsolable.

Jesse knew there were no words to fix this,
so he didn’t try, beyond giving me his solemn vow that we wouldn’t
give up, no matter how long it took.

Then he simply held me because he
understood. I pressed my ear to his chest and listened to the
steady beat of his heart.

It was the only thing that soothed me.

* * *

Diana arrived at suppertime with a pot of
chicken soup and a new plan to try and get Ellen back. I wasn’t
hungry, but I wanted to hear what she had to say so I dragged
myself out of bed and joined her and Jesse at the kitchen
table.

As the hour grew late, however, I couldn’t
focus on legalities because I was worrying about Ellen going to
sleep in a strange place with unfamiliar people.

Was she frightened? Was she missing me and
Jesse? Was she longing for the sound of my voice? The smell of this
house?

I wanted desperately to call Rick and ask if
Ellen was all right. I also wanted to talk to the elusive
Christine—who was now a spineless coward in my eyes, for not
accompanying her future husband that morning to collect her pretty
new baby and witness my grief.

Diana talked me out of calling, of course.
She didn’t want to take the chance that Rick might follow through
on his threat to seek a restraining order.