The Click Trilogy (41 page)

1. Never refuse a breath mint when one is offered.
   
2. Always do what you commit to do.
   
3. Never take credit for someone else’s work.
   
4. Never ask someone if they’ve lost weight.  Just say, “You look great!”  Per #3 above, this is from my friend Pat.
   
5. Never pass a lemonade stand or bake sale without making a purchase.
   
6. If you don’t vote, you can’t complain.  Exercise that right!
   
7. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.
   
8. Pay off your credit cards every month.
   
9. Always tell someone if they have lipstick on, or food in, their teeth.  It may feel awkward, but trust me, they’ll appreciate it.
   
10. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear your fancy clothes.  Don’t save it for a special occasion.  Today is special.
    
11. Don’t follow the fads when it comes to your hair style.  Go with what looks best on you.
    
12. Always eat a little bit of junk food before you fly; you never know what might happen.
    
13. Never do anything you wouldn’t want Auntie Renee to see on the front page of the newspaper.
    
14. Always have an earthquake kit in your home with enough water and canned food for 5 days.
    
15. If you put everyone’s problems in the middle of the room, most people would choose their own problems.  Always choose to be grateful for what you have.
    

From: Shelley Manning – November 3, 2012 – 1:35 PM

To: Renee Greene

Subject: Re: Life Advice

You CLEARLY have too much time on your hands.

I know you are trying to make sure Siobhan doesn’t turn out to be a negative, judgmental pain-in-the-ass like Ashley.  (And yes, I acknowledge you wouldn’t put it that way, but let’s face facts, okay?)

But c’mon!  Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should?  I’ve had a lot of memorable nights (and mornings and afternoons for that matter) doing what I can.  Now I’m not advocating that little Siobhan become the school slut, but let the girl have some fun, will ya?

Speaking of which…Never do anything you wouldn’t want Aunt Renee to see on the front page of the newspaper?  First of all, by the time Siobhan will understand what this means, newspapers will go by the way of the VCR, computer mouse and fax machine.  Second, I want her to do things that would make Aunt Shelley proud too.

Always eat junk food before you fly?  Can you say PARANOID? Earthquake kit?  More paranoia?

You know I love you, Sweetie, but…

From: Renee Greene – November 3, 2012 – 1:42 PM

To: Shelley Manning

Subject: Re: Life Advice

Points (not well, but) taken…except for the earthquake kit.  We as a civilized society are only three missed meals away from anarchy, my friend.  Chew on that!

Ethan is always making fun of me for having an earthquake kit both in the hall closet and the garage.  If the big one strikes, I’m not going to share my giant, Costco-sized jar of peanut butter with him.

In fact, I will be the only person in history who gets trapped in their home for weeks but doesn’t lose weight, as I binge on canned beans.

From: Shelley Manning – November 3, 2012 – 1:47 PM

To: Renee Greene

Subject: Re: Life Advice

Only you could turn a natural disaster into self-deprecating put down.  If the big one strikes – and not the sexual kind – I’m heading over to your place.  All this talk of peanut butter and beans is making me hungry.  Running down to the cafeteria for a quick bite.  Safe travels.  Mwah! Mwah!

From: Renee Greene – November 3, 2012 – 2:24 PM

To: Shelley Manning

Subject: Mr. Bubble

Wow!  Wow!  Wow!  You are NOT going to believe what just happened to me.  You’re honestly the only one I can tell.  Ethan is not to hear about this, okay?

This happens to be the weekend of the New York Marathon.  The flight is packed.

I’m waiting at the back of the plane to use the bathroom when the best looking man I’ve ever seen in person got up and stood next to me in line.  He was so gorgeous.  I honestly couldn’t believe it.  He was wearing a retro Mr. Bubble t-shirt.  I only tell you this so from here on out, we can call him, Mr. Bubble.  (Dontcha like how I’m hijacking your nickname trick?)

Anyway, Mr. Bubble and I started chatting.  He told me he heard there were going to be nearly 100,000 tourists in New York for the event.  I playfully say, “tourists or terrorists?”  He laughed and we talked about the state of the world, my fear of flying, etc.  Eventually, the bathroom became free and I got in to use it.  After I finished, I passed by him and said, “Nice chatting with you.  Enjoy your time in New York.”

I went back to my seat and closed my eyes to try and nap when I felt a tap on my shoulder.  It was Mr. Bubble!  He asked me if I considered myself an adventurous person.  I wasn’t quite sure how to respond when he asked if I want to join him in the bathroom.  AGH!

Me?!?  Join him in the bathroom?!?

I was literally awash with emotion:

-
        
Flattered – the best looking man I’ve
ever
seen wanted to join the Mile High Club with me – at least I’m assuming he would be joining.  Yikes!  As I write this, I think that maybe he’s already a member.  He strolled up here rather confidently.

-
        
Embarrassed – oh my!  Propositioned by a complete stranger to have sex in a public place.  Again, oh my!

-
        
Guilty - for even giving this a half millisecond of thought.  I would never cheat on Ethan.  Never!

I told him that I was engaged and he said that he was, too.  EW!  I said thanks anyway, but I needed to pass.  After he walked away, I jostled the woman sitting next to me, who had her eyes closed, to see if she had by chance overheard what just transpired.  To be frank, I wasn’t quite sure I was processing the entire encounter accurately. But she had really been sleeping.  I told her the story and pointed out Mr. Bubble.  She said she would have gone into the bathroom with him.  EW again!

I’m literally shaking as I type this to you.  Is that not the craziest thing you ever heard?

From: Shelley Manning – November 3, 2012 – 2:45 PM

To: Renee Greene

Subject: Re: Mr. Bubble

Wow indeed!  So much to respond to.  I’ll start at the top, which is probably NOT where Mr. Bubble would have started.  Zing!

First:  Love that you’ve adopted the nickname thing.  Nice to see my influence finally rubbing off on you one way, if not another.

Second: Of course Mr. Bubble wanted to tap that.  How many times have I told you how awesome you are?  I’ve seen you turn on the charm, you little minx, you.  But chatting up a good looking man on a plane?  I can see why you want to keep this from Ethan.  Honestly, there’s nothing wrong with some harmless flirting.  Don’t you worry.  This secret is safe with me…unless I really need to blackmail you.  ;)

Third: Don’t mean to “burst your (Mr.) bubble” but sex on a plane is not all that it’s cracked up to be.  HA!  I “crack” myself up.  But really, those bathrooms are very small.  Unless you’re a contortionist, it’s hard to find adequate space to really get it on.  And believe me, I’ve tried.

From: Renee Greene – November 3, 2012 – 2:51 PM

To: Shelley Manning

Subject: Re: Mr. Bubble

And likewise, so much to respond to…

Zing!?  That’s new.  Where did you pick that up? Nick?

And speaking of Nick…blackmail me?!?  I think not.  If anything, I have so much dirt on you, which I think a certain
boyfriend
would be very interested to hear about.  So, if anything, I’m blackmailing
you
.  Take that!

Finally, your efforts to find a comfortable place to do it on a plane are just TMI.  But again, knowing there have been multiple efforts just gives me more ammunition for the blackmailing efforts.

From: Shelley Manning – November 3, 2012 – 2:58 PM

To: Renee Greene

Subject: Re: Mr. Bubble

Renee, Renee, Renee.  Do you really want to take me on?   When it comes to being ruthless, cut throat and malicious, do you really think you can best me?

First off, what makes you think Nick doesn’t know everything already?  Do I really have secrets?  Do I really have shame or regrets?  And haven’t you considered that the most shocking of all of my exploits might include Nick?

Seriously, I don’t think you’ve thought this through, Sweetie.  If I were you, I would humbly apologize and beg forgiveness.

From: Renee Greene – November 3, 2012 – 2:59 PM

To: Shelley Manning

Subject: Re: Mr. Bubble

I humbly apologize!  Forgive me!

From: Shelley Manning – November 3, 2012 – 3:01 PM

To: Renee Greene

Subject: Re: Mr. Bubble

Smart girl.  Safe landing and I’ll call you later.  Mwah! Mwah!

From: Ashley Gordon – November 5, 2012 – 2:12 AM

To: Renee Greene

Subject: Mortified!

I’m nursing at 2 a.m. and completely EXHAUSTED.  But I have to tell you this story quickly.  So it’s the day after Siobhan is born.  I’m in the hospital bed and the world’s most amazing nurse, Tracey…or is it Traci…or Tracy…. anyway, she comes in to check on my…for lack of a better term…privates.  Believe me, there is a lot of “stuff” going on down there after a baby comes out and it isn’t pretty.  She says, “I have a group of nursing students shadowing me.  Do you mind…” and before she can finish saying “…if they come in with me,” Greg is pulling the curtain open and saying things like “Come on in,” “Step on up,” “Don’t be shy,” and “Be sure to get in close for a good look.”

I looked at him aghast.  I’ve never been more mortified.  He has the gall to say to me, “I’m a scientist.  I know the importance of getting practical experience in these matters and this is a great learning opportunity for them.”  I’m ready to scream, “Learning opportunity?!?  These are my…again… privates!”

I guess once you have a baby, all modesty is thrown out the window.  I knew you would appreciate this story considering how many embarrassing things you’ve done and have happened to you.  But please don’t tell anyone.

Okay, I have to get some sleep.  Who knew that Siobhan would literally be sucking the life out of me?

From: Renee Greene – November 5, 2012 – 8:40 AM

To: Ashley Gordon

Subject: Re: Mortified!

That is probably one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard.  And at the same time, one of the most disturbing.  I’m not even sure what to say in a situation like this except thanks for confiding in me.

It reminds me of something I heard once.  Can’t recall if it was a comedian or a friend, but it was something about how we women hide our bra and underpants under our clothes when we go to the gynecologist’s office because we don’t want the doctor to see them, and how ironic that is, since that doctor is going to be up in our privates – as you called them – checking it all out anyway.  HA!

Speaking of which, I’ll be hitting the table tomorrow for my annual exam.  TMI?  ;)

Anyway, get some rest.  I’ll be by your place in the next day or two to visit with my sweet angel.

From: Renee Greene – November 5, 2012 – 8:42 AM

To: PBCupLover, Shelley Manning

Subject: Fwd: Re: Mortified! - CONFIDENTIAL

See email exchange below between me and Ashley, but know I was asked not to tell this to anyone.  But really, how could I pass this up.  I’m dying to hear your thoughts.  And…go!

From: Shelley Manning – November 5, 2012 – 9:35 AM

To: Renee Greene

Cc: PBCupLover

Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Mortified! - CONFIDENTIAL

HA-LARIOUS!  Miss Priss having the entire nursing staff staring at her you-know-what.  (I see you cc’d here Ethan, so I’m holding back on my normally salty language).  That’s just too funny for words.

But seriously, Renee.  “I knew you would appreciate this story considering how many embarrassing things you’ve done and have happened to you.”  You need to call her out on that shit.