The Click Trilogy (31 page)

Subject: Well…?

How was your dinner with cassidy?  Ready to throw her to the wolves?

From: Renee Greene – August 6, 2012 – 3:38 PM

To: Shelley Manning

Subject: Re: Well…?

It was really great.  She’s very sweet.  And Mark’s totally in love with her.  We had fun talking about Mark and his idiosyncrasies, Ethan and his Buckeyes obsession, our crazy client situations, etc.  She really is quite charming and I can see why Mark likes her so much.

From: Shelley Manning – August 6, 2012 – 3:41 PM

To: Renee Greene

Subject: Re: Well…?

Humph!  Gotta admit, I was hoping for something gossipy, juicy or just plain annoying.

From: Renee Greene – August 6, 2012 – 4:42 PM

To: Shelley Manning

Subject: Re: Well…?

She did go on for about five full minutes about why white rice was so bad for me.

From: Shelley Manning – August 6, 2012 – 4:44 PM

To: Renee Greene

Subject: Re: Well…?

Huh?!?  You were at Bamboo Garden.  What else were you going to eat?

From: Renee Greene – August 6, 2012 – 4:50 PM

To: Shelley Manning

Subject: Re: Well…?

I know.  Apparently, it’s all sugar and not good for losing weight or keeping it off.  She kept saying, in that charming Southern accent, of course, “darlin’, that white rice will stick to your thighs like, well, white on rice.”

From: Shelley Manning – August 6, 2012 – 4:53 PM

To: Renee Greene

Subject: Re: Well…?

Renee Michele Greene!  You are beautiful and wonderful just the way you are.  You do not need to lose weight.  You hear me!

From: Renee Greene – August 6, 2012 – 4:58 PM

To: Shelley Manning

Subject: Re: Well…?

I hear you.  And honestly, I responded that on those reality shows where people are stranded on a tropical island and have to fight among each other for survival, they always eat white rice.  And they always lose weight.  That sort of shut her up.

From: Shelley Manning – August 6, 2012 – 5:00 PM

To: Renee Greene

Subject: Re: Well…?

Ha-Larious!  Talk with you later, Sweetie.  Mwah! Mwah!

From: Renee Greene – August 10, 2012 – 10:11 AM

To: Shelley Manning, PBCupLover, Ashley Gordon, Mark Finlay

Subject: Penis Month

We need to rename August “Penis Month.”

About six months ago, we got a new account – GloCorp – which makes a nontoxic chemical that can be used in all sorts of glow-in-the-dark stuff from children’s toys to safety equipment.  They wanted our help promoting this new technology to all sorts of industries.  Sounds like a big snooze fest and up until now, it has been.

One company that took great notice of this new technology and was so impressed with our skills (insert pat-on-the-back here!) that
they
have hired us to help them promote their glow in the dark product.

The company is Alistra Corporation and I met with them in Ohio last month.  Never heard of them?  They make glow in the dark condoms.  Yes, you read that correctly.  Apparently, the market for glow in the dark condoms is large (no pun intended) and growing (again, no pun intended).

So, over the past two weeks, I, along with several men from our sister ad agency, have been sitting in on focus group testing and watching taped sessions (who knew that Tulsa is a condom-use hot spot?) where men are talking about condoms, condom use and their personal preference for glow-in-the-dark prophylactics.

It’s been hours upon hours of men talking about their personal junk and complaining that all of the condoms are too small.  I mean, really?  How did they seem to find
all
of the men in these cities who have exceptionally large penises.?

Shelley, you’ve been with a lot of men (no offense!)  Is it statistically possible that we could find 30 of them who were all willing to talk about an intensely personal thing for a mere $50?

They’ve also talked about how it’s hard (Tee hee!) to open the “package” to get out the condom for their “package.”

It’s been afternoons of test subjects boasting and complaining, ad guys laughing and snorting, and me blushing and cringing.

I didn’t think it could get any worse.  And considering I was set to start jury duty last week, I figured I had escaped the talk of men and their junk.  No such luck!

You see, I am assigned to a case where a man is suing his doctor for misdiagnosing him with the wrong sexually transmitted disease.  Now, I’m not supposed to be talking about this case to anyone yet, as we haven’t heard all of the testimony or started our deliberations.  But I can’t seem to control myself.  And apparently, the plaintiff hasn’t been able to control himself either.

His doctor diagnosed him with genital warts
and
genital herpes, when in fact, he only has genital warts.  See, the genital herpes was a false positive, likely from cold sores he also suffers from.

The plaintiff is claiming that being diagnosed with both warts
and
herpes has created an incredible emotional distress and that his doctor has committed malpractice.  We’ve heard and seen (let’s just say – EW!  GROSS!) lots of testimony about this man’s personal junk.

Oh, and did I forget to mention his name is Mr. Clapperton?   No lie!  Mr. Clapperton! The outrageously humorous fact that Mr. Clapperton (!) has gotten the “clap” seems to be lost on
everyone
in the courtroom but me, who can’t seem to contain my juvenile giggles.

He totally reminds me of Larry from
Three’s Company
, who I always imagined must have had a case or two of the clap, too.

And really, if that’s the case, shouldn’t we be looking for a jury of his peers – you know, some dumb people who get easily confused by lame misunderstandings!  Oh wait, that appears to be the jury pool I’m sitting in.  Definitely the “shallow end” of the jury pool.  UGH!

At this point, I’ve been sitting in the deliberation room for more than an hour waiting for the judge to rule on whether an expert witness can testify.  Seriously, people!  We’ve already spent 4 days listening to this case.  Aren’t there more important matters of jurisprudence we should be considering?

Judge just called us back in.  The “Month of the Penis” continues.  As Shelley would say, “Onward” with pub absolutely intended.

From: Shelley Manning – August 10, 2012 – 11:30 AM

To: Renee Greene

Cc: PBCupLover, Ashley Gordon, Mark Finlay

Subject: Re: Penis Month

OMG!  I’m about to pee my pants.  For real!  Your stories are always funny but this is beyond hilarithetic!   In response to your question directed to me:  first off, no offense taken.  I happily take pride in my personal record.  And second, yes, the men who are cheap enough to “expose” themselves personally like that for 50 bucks are also the ones who
think
they have large dicks.

From: Mark Finlay – August 10, 2012 – 12:54 PM

To: Shelley Manning

Cc: Renee Greene, PBCupLover, Ashley Gordon, cassidy

Subject: Re: Penis Month

If I think I have a large one, I’m cheap?  Is that what you’re saying?  Hmm.  I’d like to think I’m a frugal and slightly-above average male.  And what is
hilarithetic
?

From: PBCupLover – August 10, 2012 – 1:15 PM

To: Mark Finlay

Cc: Renee Greene, Shelley Manning, Ashley Gordon, cassidy

Subject: Re: Penis Month

Well, as they say, “One person’s junk is another person’s treasure.”

From: Renee Greene – August 10, 2012 – 6:30 PM

To: PBCupLover

Cc: Ashley Gordon, Mark Finlay Shelley Manning, cassidy

Subject: Re: Penis Month

LMAO Ethan!   And Mark, “hilarithetic” is something so pathetic it’s hilarious.  A phrase recently coined by Shelley.  Like?

From: Mark Finlay – August 11, 2012 – 8:12 AM

To: PBCupLover

Cc: Shelley Manning, Renee Greene, Ashley Gordon, cassidy

Subject: Re: Penis Month

Nope.  Don’t like.  Love!

From: Shelley Manning – August 11, 2012 – 10:32 AM

To: Mark Finlay

Cc: Renee Greene, PBCupLover, Ashley Gordon, cassidy

Subject: Re: Penis Month

HA!  Good one, Finlay.  You too Ethan.

From: Shelley Manning – August 11, 2012 – 10:34 PM

To: Renee Greene

Subject: Cassidy?

Ugh!  Do you notice that Finlay keeps adding Cassidy in on our emails.  Will he just stop pushing her down our throats!

From: Mark Finlay – August 11, 2012 – 11:13 AM

To: Shelley Manning

Cc: Renee Greene, PBCupLover, Ashley Gordon, cassidy

Subject: Re: Penis Month

Thanks, Shelley.  Probably the nicest thing you’ve ever said to my face.  (Well, you know what I mean).

From: Renee Greene – August 11, 2012 – 12:32 PM

To: Shelley Manning

Subject: Re: Cassidy?

You saying something nice to Mark.  Wow!  And you saying something not so nice about Cassidy.  Is there something going on here I should know about?  And regarding him pushing her down our throats, I can’t believe you wrote that but didn’t make some sexual comment.  Are you losing your touch?

From: Shelley Manning – August 11, 2012 – 12:40 PM

To: Renee Greene

Subject: Re: Cassidy?

You know, I didn’t even
think
about that sexually.  Maybe there
is
something wrong with me.  But seriously, Renee – there is nothing going on that you need to know about.  Just let it go.

From: Ashley Gordon – August 13, 2012 – 9:13 AM

To: Mark Finlay

Cc: Shelley Manning, Renee Greene, PBCupLover, cassidy

Subject: Re: Penis Month

I needed a good laugh.  Totally reminds me of that summer you worked at the candy school in high school and had to make all of those pink chocolate penis pacifiers.

From: PBCupLover – August 13, 2012 – 9:18 AM

To: Ashley Gordon

Cc: Shelley Manning, Renee Greene, Mark Finlay, cassidy

Subject: Re: Penis Month

Pink penis pacifiers?  This is a story I’ve GOT to hear.  Spill it, Babe!

From: Renee Greene – August 13, 2012 – 10:32 AM

To: PBCupLover

Cc: Mark Finlay, Ashley Gordon, Shelley Manning, cassidy

Subject: Re: Penis Month

Oh, Ashley.  I completely forgot about that.  That truly was the summer of the penis.  So here’s the scoop.

I spent the summer working at a small candy store in the Valley.  It was a perfect job for me.  My boss encouraged me to try everything.  She wanted me to be able to recommend things to the customers.  I thought I would get sick of chocolate after a few weeks…and I did.  Then I made my way through the gummy candies, jawbreakers, jelly beans, taffy and by the time I got back around to chocolate again, I was amped and ready to go.  But I digress.  (And before you say anything Mark, I know.  I ramble.  But I’m sitting in the jury room awaiting instructions from the judge and I have all the time in the world.)

Anyway, in addition to selling all kinds of candy and chocolates, we made custom chocolates.  People would come in and order chocolate golf balls, champagne bottles or teddy bear lollipops for various gifts, functions and parties.  And we had some x-rated molds.  Just your typical body parts.

We had a sign behind the cash register that read, “Ask to see adult chocolates.”  Being a candy store, we couldn’t have chocolate boobs and penises lying about.  Well, the sign was fairly large and easily readable from behind the counter.  People were too embarrassed to ask to see them.  They would squint their eyes and read the sign aloud as if they were struggling to see it.  Again, the sign was definitely big enough to read without assistance or struggle.