The Cirque (20 page)

“What would your parents say about me with you, Ari?”

I kept my eyes on the ground. I didn’t want him to know he was right. They would never be okay with that.

“I’m sorry I can’t be who you want me to be,” he said flatly.

I reached up and trailed my hand across his cheek. He closed his eyes briefly at my touch. “It’s not like that – I just want you to…. I don’t know,” I said, dropping my hand.

“Be more like Dmitri?” he smirked.

I clenched my fist at my side. I didn’t know why he was bringing Dmitri into this, but two could play at that game. “At least he was forward with what he wanted. I knew his intentions with me. That much was clear.”

“Yeah, and what was that, a booty call?”

“Guess it’s more than I’ve had with you.” It was a low blow after he’d treated me with nothing but respect. What we shared could never be compared to how Dmitri had tried to use me, but my last hope was to make him jealous.

“It’s better this way. I couldn’t be with someone who fell for Ivanoff anyway.” Even as he spoke them, I didn’t believe his words. His eyes shone brightly, and beneath it all, I sensed this was a test. He’d been abandoned by everyone and he didn’t believe I would really stick around, so he was pushing me away first. He knew he would stand out like a sore thumb in my world, so he was removing himself before he had to meet my parents, and then be rejected. He was rejecting me instead.

“I want to be with you,” I said, reaching for his hand. He pulled it back and shook his head.

“What, you’ve got a thing for bad boys? Something you’ve gotta get out of your system?” I didn’t answer. “Well, in that case, you’re free to go back to Dmitri. I’m sorry I stopped you that night.”

I rocked back on my heels in disbelief. When I looked into his eyes, I knew he was sorry he said it, but it didn’t change the fact he was still rejecting me. I turned to leave and felt him grab my wrist. His touch felt cool, just like he always was. I looked at him for a second longer, waiting to see if he’d say something to stop me, then pulled my arm free and left. “I didn’t even like Dmitri, you ass,” I called over my shoulder. 

I held in the tears until I reached my trailer and then fell into bed and sobbed into the pillow. Luckily, Sasha wasn’t around to witness it all.

At least I’d tried. I had risked my heart and held it out to him. Despite what Sasha had said, there was nothing more I could do.

I couldn’t imagine continuing to perform alongside Gabriel after this. It was hard enough avoiding Dmitri and now there’d be two guys to duck around. It was settled. I’d go home next week to meet my mom and break the news about my non-existent ballet contract.

***

Sasha was chipper and up early the next morning, humming while she cleaned the trailer. “Rise and shine,” she sang, throwing back my blankets.

“Ugh. Sasha, quit.” I tugged the covers back up to my chin and rolled over.

“You’ve gotta seize the day,” she said, straightening a stack of papers on the desk. I peeked open an eye and watched her move around the room, picking up and organizing as she went.

“I tried that yesterday. Didn’t work out too well.” I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and stretched.

“What do you mean?” She tipped a watering jug over the plant on our window sill.

“I talked to Gabriel like you told me. I told him I wanted to be with him.”

“And?” She stopped what she was doing and looked at me.

“He said we’d never work and basically told me to go back to Dmitri.”

She set the jug down a little too hard and water splashed out onto the desk. “What the…”

I shook my head. I think she noticed for the first time that my eyes were swollen from crying last night.

“I’m sorry, Ari. Are you okay?” She sat on the foot of my bed.

I bit my lip, fighting back tears. “There’s nothing for me here now.”

“That’s not true. Your dance with Shane is amazing. You’ll always have a place here.” She brushed my hair back from my face.

“It’s over, Sasha.” I sighed and fell back heavily on the bed.

I was in a daze as we made the trip to Albuquerque. I stared out the window, watching the dry tumbleweeds blow by next to the highway and tried not to think about Gabriel, which was even harder than usual once I remembered he was from New Mexico. I rode in the back of the bus by myself, the loud hum of the engine drowning out everything around me. I rested my forehead against the cool glass.

If I scraped together everything I’d made so far this summer, I’d have just enough to pay for the flight to New York plus cab fare to
get home. I planned to talk to Del tomorrow. He was always anxious when we were getting settled in a new city, so I would wait until our new show grounds were set up to tell him I was leaving.

I had to pee and didn’t think I could make it until we got there. I made my way up the aisle and saw Sasha and Gabriel huddled together in the seats up ahead. They seemed to be deep in conversation and didn’t notice me approaching from behind. I stopped walking when I heard my name and I ducked into the row behind them. I knew I shouldn’t eavesdrop, but I felt justified because they were talking about me behind my back.

“I can’t believe what you did to her, Gabriel. Not you,” Sasha said.

“Don’t lay your guilt shit on me, Sash. I didn’t want to hurt her. This is just the way it has to be,” he said.

“What Dmitri did to her was unforgivable, but this is almost as bad.”

Gabriel was quiet for a second. “What do you mean, what he did?”

Sasha didn’t answer. I waited nervously behind them.

“He’s a dick, but what exactly did he do?” Gabriel asked and waited. “Their interest in each other seemed mutual as far I as could tell,” he said.

“She never told you?” Sasha asked quietly.

“Told me what?” his voice grew more concerned.

Sasha swore under her breath. She was in too far; she’d have to tell him. “Of course she wouldn’t have wanted to upset you. I am surprised Tanner didn’t spill it though.”

“What the fuck did he do to her?” Gabriel nearly growled.

I felt like I should run away, get out of there before Gabriel blew up, but I was held in place knowing that he still felt something for me.

“That night you rescued her from his room….” She hesitated. “I thought you knew. She wasn’t in his bed undressed by choice.”

“What do you––” Gabriel started to ask.

“She didn’t really like him, Gabriel. Think about it. She liked you from the start but you were so aloof. Dmitri flattered her…. She was trying to get your attention the whole time. She said she had a few drinks, and remembers going to his room, and then the next thing she knew, she was waking up in your t-shirt. He didn’t care that she was passed out, he wasn’t going to let that stop him from taking what he wanted.”

Gabriel was quiet, but I knew him, and I knew that just then he had the urge to hit something. I got up and disappeared the way I’d come before I could be seen. I guess I would have to hold it.

As soon as the bus parked I ran for the bathroom and almost moaned with relief. I got off the bus, and looked around carefully for Gabriel. I was worried about him saying something to Dmitri. I didn’t want him to get himself in trouble, though I couldn’t really be mad at Sasha for telling him. It was the truth. If I could go back in time, I would have handled the whole situation differently.

My relief was short lived. While the grounds were being set up, I overheard yelling and ran to the other side of a semi. Gabriel and Dmitri circled each other while Brutus stood off to the side. For a minute no one did anything and I barely breathed. Then Dmitri lunged at Gabriel, knocking him back a few steps, forcing him up against the side of the trailer. Dmitri brought his fist back but Gabriel was faster and stepped out of the way, dodging the blow. They were back to circling each other. Gabriel had several inches of height on him, but Dmitri had a good twenty pounds of muscle on Gabriel.

“Gabriel!” I yelled. I thought about stepping between them but I felt my own personal safety mechanism kick in, so hung back. Their eyes stayed locked on each other. I couldn’t tell what they were saying, but I figured I knew the topic. I stood transfixed, watching it unfold. Though I always suspected things might end this way, it just didn’t seem real.

Dmitri sprang forward, landing a blow to Gabriel’s chin. I winced as his head knocked back. But that only fueled Gabriel’s anger and he charged toward Dmitri, hitting him in the stomach. When he doubled over, Gabriel plowed into him, knocking him to the ground. He shoved his knee into Dmitri’s chest and held him to the ground.

“You love her, don’t you?” Dmitri laughed. “You wouldn’t do all this if you didn’t.”

Gabriel knocked Dimitri’s head back against the ground. “Leave her out of it. You’re dealing with me now.”

I looked to Brutus, fearful he would jump in and turn this into two against one but he stood back watching, dumbstruck that Dmitri was losing.

“Gabriel…Stop!” I yelled, stepping closer. Gabriel looked up at me with his sky-blue eyes and that momentary distraction was all Dmitri needed to buck him off. They were back on their feet, but showed no signs of ending this. This finale had been building all summer. They each took a swing at the other but didn’t make contact since they stood just out of arm’s reach.

Dmitri got closer to Gabriel’s face. “She wanted it.”

Gabriel charged forward and pinned Dmitri against the side of the trailer. Gabriel grabbed him by the collar and twisted it, nearly lifting him off the ground. I felt all the air leave my lungs as Gabriel produced a knife and brought it to Dmitri’s throat. “Take it back,” Gabriel said, just inches from his face.

Dmitri spit in his face. Gabriel wiped his face with his sleeve and shoved even harder, knocking Dmitri’s head back against the trailer.

He pressed the tip of the knife into Dmitri’s neck and a thin line of blood appeared at the point of the blade. I suddenly felt woozy. Dmitri tried to shove against him, but Gabriel stood solidly in place. “You think you’re a man. You’re not a fucking man!” he yelled in Dmitri’s face. “You prey on the weak.”

“Gabriel!”
I was terrified that what had happened with Frank was going to be repeated. His eyes darted over to mine. He eased up on the knife but didn’t release his hold.

Out of nowhere, Del stormed up. “My office, now!”

Gabriel shoved at Dmitri once more for good measure, and then dropped his arm. He followed behind Del with his head down. He didn’t even look my way as he passed by.

“He’s a fucking psycho,” Dmitri said. I watched Dmitri walk away with Brutus and wondered what was going to happen to Gabriel.

Too anxious to do anything else, I sat in the dirt outside Del and Marta’s RV. I could hear them talking inside, but their voices were calm and quiet. I wasn’t sure if that was a good sign or not. I held my breath.

A few minutes later, Gabriel came out and stormed down the steps. I had to jog to catch up to him. “What happened?”

“I got fired.” He continued walking without looking at me.

“He can’t just fire you.”

“He can and he did.” I followed him to his trailer. He didn’t stop when he reached the door. I grabbed onto his arm. “You’re just going to leave like this?”

“What choice do I have?” He finally turned and met my eyes. His beauty still shocked me. My breath caught in my throat.

“Come to New York with me.”

He hesitated and searched my eyes. “I can’t run anymore, Ari.” He brought my hand to his lips and left a damp kiss drying on my palm, then went into his trailer and closed the door.

***

Sasha made me go to dinner with her, though I said I wasn’t hungry. I got a tray and went through the motions, following her to the line. I held up my plate. Bruce, the cook, spooned a heap of mashed potatoes that I would never finish, onto it. “Gravy?” he smiled at me. I shook my head and scooted down the line.

I traced figure eights in the potatoes and wondered when Gabriel was leaving, or how he was leaving for that matter, since he didn’t have a car. “Eat,” Sasha urged. “It’s not like Del had a choice. He’s attacked Dmitri twice now.” She pointed her fork at me.

“Doesn’t mean I have to like it,” I said. “And did they even consider what Dmitri did that provoked him? Does Del know?”

Sasha shrugged and continued eating. “That won’t change anything for Gabriel.”

After dinner I went to Gabriel’s trailer. If he did plan to leave, we at least needed a proper good-bye. After knocking and waiting by the door for a minute, I opened it. The trailer had been cleared out. A few stray articles of clothing, and a couple of the paintings were the only things left. He was gone. I dropped to his bed and pressed my face to the sheets, breathing in the scent of him while tears spilled from my eyes.

A little while later, Sasha was shaking my shoulders and helping me to my feet. “Come on,” she soothed.

It was almost dark outside. I grabbed Gabriel’s pillow and followed her through the trailers. How could someone I’d known for such a short time have such a profound impact on me? I felt drained and lonely. When we got to our trailer, Gertie was sitting on my bed with a note folded on top of my pillow. I ran to Gertie and pulled her into my arms, hugging her squirming body to my chest. She licked my face and I smiled for the first time that day. I nuzzled into her fur to see if traces of Gabriel’s cologne still lingered. Nope. Just dog smell. But for some reason, she still reminded me of him and I buried my face in deeper.