The Cinderella Theorem (31 page)

[1]
Whenever you see a + sign, read it as “plus.”

 = as “equal.”

 ≠ as “does not equal.”

It’s pretty basic. I like math, so I tend to talk in
equations. My mother is forever reminding me that not everyone finds the
principle of ratios as fascinating as me, so I’ll provide explanations of the
mathematical elements whenever necessary.

This equation is the one I always use to think about my
family. I suppose the “1 father” would have been a part of it at some point,
but in my mind he’s never been there. He died in a train wreck two days before
I was born.

[2]
Read x as “times.” See? Math is fun!

[3]
If I seem a little slow to understand what my mom is telling me, keep in mind
that fifteen years of believing my dad is dead is greater than 3 minutes of
hearing he is alive. (15 > 3.)

[4]
Statistics = Math done to prove something.

[5]
But, now that I’ve gotten my father back from the dead, I guess this will rank
as the best.
Obviously
, a not-dead father is a much better gift than a
box of memories about him.

[6]
Color descriptions in the mathematical world are simpler. To me, the marble is
blue. To my author mother, the marble is blue, the color of the sky after
hearing that the king of the land has fallen in love, or some other strange
description that has nothing to do with colors
or
marbles.

[7]
The kids at school usually wasted their time playing non-mathematical games
like Chase the Cute Boy, Dodgeball, or Tag. Based on what I’ve seen in math
tutoring, they would have better spent their time at marbles with its emphasis
on geometry and probability.

[8]
Here is a list her reasons there are no pictures of my father:

1.
      
A
random car fire ruined her camera.

2.
      
His
parents were against the marriage, so they had a very quick and simple wedding,
with no photographer.

3.
      
Her
parents were against the marriage, so they had a very quick and simple wedding
with no photographer.

4.
      
They
dated only a short time, so there weren’t many opportunities for pictures.

5.
      
They
were just so in love that they never bothered with taking pictures.

[9]
You know what area is, right? Area is simply the size of a surface. The formula
is area = length x width.

[10]
Trig is, according to my mother, the worst math class ever. I haven’t
officially taken it yet, but I bought an old college trig book at a second hand
book shop. I had fun going through it. It’s mostly about triangles and angles
and who doesn’t like that?

[11]
Smythe
is pronounced “Smith.”  Apparently,
Smythe
is just a fancy
“Smith.”

[12]
Anagram = a word, phrase, or jumble of letters, that when rearranged make
another word or phrase. An anagram of “pots” is “stop.” “Mary” is “army.”
“Astronomer” is “Moon starer.” Specifically, by rearranging the letters in
“fairy tales, myths, legends,” the name “E. G. Smythe’s Salty Fire land” is
created.

[13]
This
is called standard normal distribution. It is especially useful in analyzing
the data related to tests, battery life, and coin flipping.

[14]
Fights at school = normal. Normal = well… normal.

[15]
y = mx + b, where m = slope, and b is the y-intercept.

[16]
My mom continues to believe that I know a great deal about fairy tales and other
legendary literature. She thinks all those fairy tale collections and
mythological compendiums that she keeps buying for me have, by the process of
osmosis, seeped into my brain merely by being in my room.

[17]
I think being in a fairy tale land subtracts some of the distractedness of my
mother. Of course, speaking quickly and abandoning me in the middle of a
strange land
is
a form of distraction, but consider the amount of detail
she used in her instructions. It’s quite uncharacteristic for her. I mean, she
included two specific times, one plan for a meal, and two clothing plans.

2 +
1 + 2 = 5 specific things.

[18]
I am using sarcasm here.

[19]
Honestly…it was a small fire on the floor. The area damaged hardly equated the
“forsaking of personal safety.”

[20]
I’m not sure what the painting was of. It was too hard to see.

[21]
Amphi confused me. She wasn’t a frog and she seemed genuinely shocked that her
ball made of gold–a metal–didn’t float.

[22]
Why are there so many dangerous things in fairy tales? Poisoned apples,
dragons, witches, wolves, giants, ogres, trolls, not to mention magical curses.
Should stories for
children
be so full of danger?

[23]
Even impending danger couldn’t stop me from noticing math.

[24]
Assumption: Idiot highly classified balcony boy’s name is Calo.

Opinion: Calo is a stupid name.

Fact: I usually avoid opinions, because

Fact (the second): they are not mathematical.

However, exception: Making opinions about idiot Calo
seems to be a justifiable behavior and (the last)

Exception: it’s fun.

[25]
iff is the abbreviation for “if and only if.” It’s used in logic and
philosophy. Here’s a piece of math trivia that I’ve told Mom at least four
times: iff first appeared in John L. Kelley’s book
General Topology
(which is a math classic), but Paul Halmos is often credited with inventing it.

[26]
Pi
is a Greek letter. It looks like this: π. It is used in math to
represent the ratio of a circle’s circumference to its diameter. (Circumference
= the distance around the edge of the circle; Diameter = a straight line
segment that passes through the center of the circle.) There is no end to
pi
.
It is an irrational number and can’t be expressed as a common fraction. When
you write it as a decimal, the numbers never end, and there’s never a clear
pattern to them. It approximately equals 3.14159, but the first 100 digits are
3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971693993751058209749445923078164062862089986280348253421170679
….
Also, some people (cool math people) celebrate
Pi
day on March
14
^th
. March 14
^th
=3/14, which is the beginning of
pi
,
3.14. And by celebrate, I mean make math jokes and eat pie with a π on it.

[27]
And, unmathematically, this reason is the most compelling of the five to me.

[28]
Mean is a math term that basically means (Ha! Puny!) “average.”

[29]
HEA is pronounced [hee-ah].

[30]
Exploration of vanishing results = rising level of happiness.

[31]

  x = 3x + 3(x – 5)

  x = 3x + 3x – 15

  x = 6x – 15

  x + 15 = 6x

  15 = 6x – x

  15 = 5x

   3 = x

[32]
ride to HEA = enjoyment

  ride to HEA + Calo (in any form) = the opposite of
enjoyment

[33]
Mom now = mother + wife + (famous)writer + distracted – widow – cook.

[34]
The shortest distance between two points is a straight line.

[35]
“My lady,” I’ve noticed, is an excellent cover for all titles. If you’re not
sure if you are addressing a queen or a princess–throw on a “my lady.” It’s
respectful, if a bit vague.

[36]
The hold this place has on me is certainly not mathematical. Maybe, like Mom
says, it’s in my blood.

[37]
Oddly, though, Atlantis seemed to be under the water, but I suppose that could
just be a cartography mistake. How could a city be underwater?

[38]
These questions can be answered with probability. Calo said that she
almost
always knows. That implies (at the very least) some failure. By setting her
knowledge of Levi incidents at 90%, I can further determine the likelihood of
her and Calo knowing about it. But for this equation, I must consider more
data.

(a) Calo loves to make me feel
inferior. If he knew about additional Levi incidents, I think he would let me know
all about how I’m threatening security.

(b) The way my father reacted
after the first Levi incident. If Kara and the Agency thought I was being
threatened, they would have to tell the King his daughter was in danger. I
think I would have noticed a rise in parental concern.

Since I have not observed a or
b, I conclude that the Agency does not know about Levi harassing me, or if it
does know, it hasn’t told anyone.

Probability of Agency knowing:
10%

Probability of Calo knowing:
2%

Probability of my parents
knowing, 1%

[39]
A Venn diagram is used to sort things into categories. In the math world, we
call this elementary set theory. To make a Venn diagram, draw two circles. They
should partially overlap each other. Now add your data. Let’s say we are sorting
fairy tales with evil step-mothers and fairy tales with fairy godmothers.
Stories that only had an evil step-mother, would go in Circle A. Stories with
only a fairy godmother would go in Circle B. But where would you put a story
that had
both
an evil step-mother and a fairy godmother? That story
would go in the overlapping middle part.

  My mom belongs to both my circle and my father’s
circle. So having her overlap us keeps things from getting too awkward.

[40]
Imagine an eternity where my pencil always broke just before I solved a complex
algebra problem or being forced to write wrong answers to simple calculations
or listening to children chanting incorrect multiplication tables.

[41]
Pretzels are a great mathematical snack. You can estimate how many you’ll grab
out of the bag, use the mini ones as counters, or the sticks to form numbers
and equations.

[42]
I considered asking my father which solution he thought most likely, but
decided that wouldn’t be smart. This is another example of what is wrong and abnormal
about my life. A daughter, should be able to tell her father that she thinks an
intruder may have entered her room. But I am not so fortunate. I am afraid my
father will:

   (1) finally make good on his threat to kill Levi,

   (2) declare war on Uppish Senna,

   and/or (3) take the file folder away from me.

[43]
Pronounced [see-ah] not [see]. I know it doesn’t make sense but it’s supposed
to rhyme with HEA [hee-ah].

[44]
I had found a plastic one at my house. Plastic book bags equal more protection
for your belongings against random, emotionally charged, fairy-tale-land rain.
I certainly didn’t want the Candlemaker’s Daughter file to get wet.

[45]
I hope no one has ever tried to make a mailbox out of a difficult word to rhyme–like
orange or month.

[46]
Strange, I know. But after about 24 conversations with my mom had ended with
her in tears, saying, “They’re just dead, Lily! Let’s not talk about it,” I
realized there was no more forthcoming information. A good mathematician knows
when something has become futile, like trying to make 2 and 2 equal 5.