The Christmas Secret (26 page)

“Jason had the car.”

“Did he get the job?” Marshall nodded. “I suppose I shouldn't even ask if you've sat down for your talk yet?”

Marshall sighed. “Judy, I'm too old for change.”

She slapped the desk. “Nobody's
ever
too old for change if the change is good. Don't blow this, Marsh.”

“You sound like Linda.
Both
of my Lindas.”

“That's because the three of us were always smarter than you.”

“I know.”

 

Gloria called a few minutes before I got off work and told me my car was in the back parking lot. “You mean it's fixed?” I asked, peeking out the door.

“Just a spark plug,” Gloria said. “I didn't want you to ride the bus home so Miriam and I dropped it off.”

“What do I owe Jack for his work?”

“Not a thing,” she said.

I opened my mouth to say something but decided, like Miriam said, to take hold of the hand and shut up.

When we closed, Spence wrapped the vase of flowers in newspaper for me and held open the back door. I walked to the car and wondered how I'd get the flowers home without their toppling over. I put the key in the door and opened it, smiling as I sat down. Two envelopes sat on the backseat. I propped the flowers up against the front seat and reached for the envelopes. Five hundred dollars in cash was in the first envelope and the second had a one-hundred-dollar gift certificate to Wilson's, a one-hundred-dollar certificate to the grocery store, and a one-hundred-dollar gift card to the gas station. I could feel my hands trembling. I had enough money to pay Ed for all my back rent. My mind raced with the thought. Maybe we could stay in the duplex.

The scent of fresh-baked cookies filled the living room as I opened the front door. Haley's and Zach's pajamas were covered with flour and I didn't even dare ask how many cookies they'd eaten. A plate full of Santa cookies sat on the counter along with my favorites, pecan balls. I set the flowers down on the table and unwrapped them before popping
a pecan ball into my mouth, moaning as I chewed. “It's Christmas!” I said.

“Look,” Haley said, holding up a pan. “Peanut butter fudge! Nana says it's your favorite.”

“Did Nana also tell you it's her favorite, too?”

“Please tell me that you ate something else besides cookies and candy for dinner,” I said, popping another pecan ball into my mouth.

“Shh,” Mom said, looking at Zach and Haley. “Our secret.”

“Fine,” I said. “It's time to brush your teeth and read stories.”

“But we still haven't watched
Rudolph
this year,” Haley said.

I looked at my watch. It was nine o'clock but there was no way they were going to fall asleep knowing Nana, cookies, and candy were in the house. “All right. Brush your teeth and then run back out here for
Rudolph
.” They ran screaming through the hallway. I held up the pan of fudge. “You know this isn't nearly enough peanut butter fudge, right?”

I tucked Haley and Zach in his bed together a few minutes after Rudolph led Santa's sleigh through the night skies. It was just before ten. “Two more sleeps until Christmas,” Haley said. “Will it matter to Santa if I'm sleeping in Zach's bed?”

Zach rolled his eyes. “There isn't a Santa. We don't even have a fireplace.”

“No,” I said, giving him a look. “It doesn't matter to Santa where you sleep. He'll know you're in here and will leave gifts for you.” I kissed her face and snuggled Brown Dog under her chin.

“No, he won't,” Zach said. I kissed his cheek and smiled.

I grabbed a blanket and pillow out of the hall closet and put them on the couch. I'd sleep there so Mom and Richard could take my room. Mom was sitting at the kitchen table, drinking a cup of tea with a pecan ball.

I sat down across from her and picked up another cookie. “When were you going to tell me, Mom?” She looked up at me. “When were you going to tell me that Dennis was my father?”

 

 

 

 

A tear fell down her cheek and she brushed it away. “When did you know?”

“When you saw Betty's face I knew something was wrong. Then at the mention of his name you looked like you were going to pass out.”

“I never dreamed anything like this would ever—” She pressed a napkin into her eyes. “I was so afraid when you moved here with Brad that you would run into Dennis and somehow . . . I don't know.”

So that's why she acted so angry when I moved here. “Does Betty know?” She shook her head. “Did he even know?”

Tears fell down her face and she used the napkin to wipe them away. “No. He was so into drugs at that time that . . .” She trailed off. “Your grandparents absolutely hated him. They had caught us smoking marijuana together and I thought your grandfather would go to jail the way he threw Dennis off our property. When they found out I was pregnant they
went ballistic. They didn't need to because I knew. I wasn't ready to be a mother but Dennis
sure
wasn't ready for any sort of responsibility. He was sex and that's all.” She was quiet and I knew it was more than she wanted to say. “Mom and I moved north and as soon as Dad found a job there he joined us. No one here ever knew.”

“Did you ever want to tell him?”

She shook her head. “Not the way he was. He wouldn't have helped. He couldn't help. He didn't even have a job at the time. And I didn't want to see him because I was afraid we'd just fall back into . . . well . . .”

I couldn't imagine the girl my mother was talking about. “Does Haley look like him?”

She nodded. “Her eyes and nose, especially.”

“Was he handsome?”

“Too handsome for his own good,” she said. “Girls loved him and when the drugs took hold, watch out. He was invincible. He had too many girls.”

“But you were his favorite,” I said, watching her. “Maybe he would have changed for you.”

She shook her head. “He wasn't ready.”

“Do you hate him?”

“No,” she said, swishing the napkin on the table in front of her. “I did for a long time. I wanted him to take as much responsibility as I did. I wanted him to grow up and do the right thing. For the longest time I thought he was the one
who had it made. He could do whatever he wanted without any strings attached. He could go wherever he wanted without any obligation to anybody. But then you started to grow and I started hating him less because he wasn't the one who had it made. I was. I had this beautiful little obligation that hung on my leg and lit up when I entered the room.” My eyes filled with tears at the sound of her voice. She wiped her face and twisted the napkin in her hands. “Before you came along I never felt a bursting sense of happiness when someone smiled at me or reached out for me. I never just sat and held a little life in my arms just because I loved the way it made me feel. I never knew what it was like to have my heart beat outside my body or feel it break with joy when someone came running to me to kiss a boo-boo. I never sat beside a crib and watched a tiny body breathe because that's what I wanted to do more than anything else at that moment.” She looked up at me with wet, swollen eyes. “How could I hate him for that?” Her voice broke and I wiped a tear from my cheek. “I am so sorry, Christine. I know you wanted to know who your father was but I never thought of him as a father but only a sperm donor. I was so afraid that he'd reject you because he never knew about you. I couldn't bear that thought. I'm so sorry. Now it's too late and . . .”

I moved to the chair next to her and took her hand. “It's not too late, Mom. I have a grandmother I never knew about who, as it turns out, is one of my favorite people on
the planet.” She laughed and fell into me. For years I had wanted to know about this secret in the dark. I wanted to know what my father looked like, what he did for a living, which authors he read, what movies he watched, where he went for fun, and if he ever thought of me while doing any of those things. In all that time I never thought of my mother who held my hand while she moved through her life created by one heat-of-the-moment decision with stunning grace and courage. I assumed she held things from me like a child playing keep-away but never realized she was doing it for me, not against me. For far too long I didn't realize that she was indeed holding secrets, the greatest and most beautiful secrets of sacrifice, love, and life in her hand. We cried together and talked until the early morning hours.

 

Jason scrambled to keep up on the last day of shopping at Wilson's. He saw Marshall only in passing but promised to drop by the house after he delivered the last of the packages for Glory's Place.

He jumped in Marshall's car at six and held a local map on top of the steering wheel to find his way around. “Don't you have a GPS?” he had asked Marshall.

“Is that some kind of four-wheeler?” Marshall had responded.

Jason chuckled again at the response and slowed down at
a street sign. The first house was well lit and ready for Christmas with a small tree in the front window. He rang the bell and left the box of goods with a grateful mother of three. The next house was only four blocks away and after several knocks he left the box between the storm and front door. An apartment complex housed two families who would receive boxes. Four children scurried around his legs like squirrels in the first apartment that smelled like tortillas and frijoles. They clamored for the box and Jason laughed as they squealed at the sight of new toothbrushes and socks! Two floors down Jason knocked on a door and a small face peeked through the crack of the open door. “Hey!” The door flew open. “It's you.”

Jason smiled at Marcus. “And it's you! It's me and it's you!”

“What are you doing here? Christmas is coming, you know?”

Jason smiled at the mother and knelt down in front of Marcus. “I know. That's why I'm hurrying to deliver these gifts so I can get home and get to sleep!”

Marcus took the box and looked at his mother. “Can I?” She nodded and he lifted the lid. He pulled out a child's toothbrush and tube of toothpaste and small car and put them on the floor beside him. The rest of the contents were entirely too utilitarian and he handed the box to his mother. “You can have the rest,” he said.

She laughed and held the box to her. “Thank you. He loves Glory's Place.”

“He doesn't work there anymore,” Marcus said. “He got a job far away so he can't play basketball anymore.” The mother smiled and winked at Jason.

“I'll tell you what,” Jason said. “If you practice your shots, I promise I'll come back and play with you from time to time.”

“I'll take you down,” Marcus said.

Jason opened the door. “That's big talk from a kid who chucks nothing but air balls.”

The last house on Jason's list was a few blocks from Wilson's. He pulled into the driveway and wrapped his coat around him. The temperature was dropping and snow was on the way. He knocked and the door flew open. “Jason!” Haley wrapped her arms around his waist and he laughed as she pulled him inside.

He smiled at the grandmother he'd met this morning and handed the box to her. “From Glory's Place. For the kids and their mom.”

She put it under the tree and Jason looked at Haley. “So, any more strangers give you flowers or jewelry or a new princess palace?”

“No, you silly! People don't give princess palaces away. But come look at the flowers.” She held his hand and led him to the table. “Ta-da!”

“Those are awesome,” he said. He turned to go and noticed a picture on the sofa table. It was Zach and Haley with a woman. He leaned down to look at it and grabbed the photo in his hands. “Is
this
your mother!” Haley nodded and he looked up at the ceiling. “I am so stupid.” Jeanette walked to his side and looked at him staring at the picture. “He gave the flowers to
her
!” He shook his head, looking at the photo, and then smiled at Jeanette. “I didn't know Rosemary was their mother.”

“Christine,” Jeanette said. “That's Christine.”

He stared at the photo and laughed. “Christine!” He bent over, laughing.

“What's so funny?” Haley asked, confused.

“I'm just so stupid,” he said, hugging her.

“Mom says we shouldn't say that word.”

“She's right!” He set the picture back on the table and smiled at Jeanette. “Christine looks just like you.”

“That's quite a compliment,” Jeanette said. “Because I've always thought she's beautiful.”

“She is,” he said.

He laughed out loud when he got into the car and dialed Marshall's number. The phone clicked over to voice mail. “I just found the perfect gift for Judy,” he said, and hung up.

 

Marshall knocked on the door around eight. He felt ridiculous. Who visits someone unannounced on
Christmas Eve? The lights around the door and railing lit up the porch and he could smell the scent of roast beef wafting under the door. The lock clicked and Marshall smiled at Matt. “Marshall! What in the world are you doing here?”