The Christmas Baby Bump (13 page)

But that was her side of the story. What he really thought or felt would remain a mystery, because she couldn’t face him. Not with what she had planned.

She sighed and pulled the comforter closer. Besides, he deserved a lady who wanted kids, and she’d finally made up her mind what she was going to do. And the decision…made her cry.

S
TEPHANIE’S
sense of duty drove her back to work on Wednesday. That and the fact she couldn’t bear to be alone with her tortured thoughts another day.

She entered the MidCoast Medical clinic cautiously, peeked around the door and edged her way inside.

The first voice she heard was Phil’s and she almost ran the other way. A fist-size knot clenched her stomach, forcing her to stand still.

“Gaby,” he said, “I asked you to bring Mr. Leventhal in this morning. Why is he still on the schedule for this afternoon?” He sounded irritated.

“It didn’t work with his schedule, Dr. Hansen.” Smooth professional that she was, Gaby didn’t let his snit bother her. “Welcome back, Dr. Bennett.”

Stephanie had never seen Phil look so horrible. He had dark circles under his eyes similar to football players’ black antiglare paint, and when was the last time the man had shaved? His hair was in need of a good combing, too, and…did he actually have on two differentcolored socks?

He stopped in his tracks when he noticed her. She didn’t look any better than he did. His consuming stare made her forget how to breathe. All she could do was nod and make a straight line for her office. She felt his
glare on her back the entire way, and prayed he wouldn’t follow her.

With a trembling hand, she reached for the doorknob. How would she make it through the day?

Feeling emotionally and physically drained, she wondered how much longer she could keep going like this. After the New Year, she’d move back to Palm Desert, but first she had to get through Christmas, and she owed the medical clinic the time she’d signed on for. After she put on her doctor’s coat, she wrapped her hands around her waist and realized she’d been doing that a lot lately. The baby was quickly becoming a part of her every thought.

Maria Avila came waddling into the clinic. “My back is killing me,” she said.

“Why don’t you go home, take a load off your feet? You don’t have to do this today,” Stephanie said.

“Are you kidding? This is what I live for. If I go home, I’ll have two kids under the age of five to chase around. Heck, I know where I’m better off.” She gave a wry laugh, and her face lit up with her usual infectious grin. “Besides, I need to make up for that clinical day I missed on Thanksgiving.”

Stephanie couldn’t help but smile back as she shook her head. “Here’s our first patient. Why don’t you do the honors?” At least one of them wanted to be there.

Maria snatched the chart. “Great!”

All morning Maria shadowed Stephanie. Occasionally, she rubbed her back and sighed, but never complained about the highly charged pace Stephanie insisted on keeping. It was the only way to keep her mind off Phil and their baby.

At lunchtime, Stephanie holed up in her office with
a sack lunch, and Maria waddled off to the nurses’ lounge.

“I’m gonna go put my feet up,” Maria said, on her way out of the office.

No less than five minutes later, just as Stephanie finished a small sandwich, a rapid knock alerted her to someone at the door. Her heart stammered, and she prayed it wasn’t Phil.

The door swung inward as it became evident her prayer hadn’t been answered. He closed it and strode toward her desk, his intense gaze knocking the wind out of her.

“Have you made up your mind yet about what you plan to do?”

She stared at her desk. There wasn’t the slightest tone of compassion in his voice. He hadn’t wasted one second on preliminaries. If he wanted to be direct, she’d join him. “I’m going to give the baby up for adoption.”

Her decision hit Phil as if a boulder had dropped on his chest—it crushed him and made it hard to breathe. Give their baby up? He’d been on the verge of telling her he loved her the other morning, the day she’d left. She’d put him through hell this week while he impatiently waited for her to make her decision. Now she’d made the second-worst decision he could have imagined. Give up their baby?

Could he honestly love a woman who would walk away from her child? She wasn’t an unwed teenager—she was a well-established adult who could easily care for a child. Yet she wanted to give the baby away. It didn’t make any sense, but he’d never been in her shoes. He couldn’t imagine how it must feel to bear the brunt of a child’s accidental death.

He wanted more than anything to be angry at her for resisting this special gift, but he couldn’t. The fact was he loved her. He wasn’t sure if she felt anything for him, though. Her careless disregard for his feelings proved otherwise.

“The baby is mine, too. Remember?” he said. “We made it together.”

She glanced at him, as if it had never occurred to her that he might want to be involved in the decisions.

He stood before her, hands at his sides, opening and closing his fists. “How selfish of you. You haven’t even asked me what I’d do.”

Surprise colored her eyes. She sat straighter. Had it really never occurred to her that he’d want to be involved with any decision she made about their baby? Things were more screwed up than he’d imagined.

“I’m sorry if that’s what you think. Doesn’t it always fall on the woman?” She stood and met him eye to eye. He fought the urge to grab her arms and shake her. “You’ve got your carefree life. You’ve never given me a hint that you were interested in anything more than sex and a good time, and suddenly I’m supposed to consult you because I got pregnant? Is that it?”

She’d challenged him, and he needed to tell her the truth. If nothing else, she deserved the truth.

“The day I met you,” he said, “I was really turned on by your looks, but the more I got to know you, the more I knew you’d been hurt in life. I just wanted to be your friend and, if I was lucky, maybe be your lover. I never would have dreamed what followed.”

“That I’d screw things up and get pregnant?”

He ignored her defiant tone. “That I would fall in love with you.”

Stephanie needed to sit down.

Tingles burst free in her chest and rained over her body. She squeezed her eyes closed, and soon large tears dripped over her cheeks. She clenched her jaw to keep from blubbering. If only she weren’t pregnant, she’d be free to love him, too. “Phil…”

“I want you to know where I stand.” He knelt in front of her and looked into her face. She bowed her head to hide her tears.

At a loss for one single word, Stephanie withdrew into her thoughts. She loved him;
he
loved her, so why couldn’t they have a happy ending? Because she couldn’t bear to lose another child—she still didn’t trust herself.

“If you’re giving up the baby,” he said, “give it to me.”

“Give it to you?” Oh, God, how could she do that? She loved Phil, and he wanted to keep their baby. Remembering the special love she’d felt from him last Friday night, and how he’d taken care of her like a mother hen, she believed he loved her, but would he want her if she wasn’t pregnant? Now she’d lose both the baby and Phil. Could she remove herself so easily from the equation? If she changed her mind and wanted to keep the baby, would he want her, too? Or would he hate her?

“I’ll do the best I can as a father.”

She couldn’t believe what he was telling her.

By putting him in this situation, not by choice, she’d never know if he stayed with her out of love or obligation, and not knowing for sure would kill her and eventually ruin their relationship. Oh, God, her mind was so mixed up, she couldn’t think straight.

“Please don’t hate me, Phil. You can’t understand…”

He shook his head and paced the floor. “Yes, losing
your baby was a tragedy. I can’t imagine how it must feel, but, Stephanie, you’re alive, not dead, and you’ve got to let it go. That was three years ago. It’s time to move on.”

He was right, she knew he was right, but she was so damn stuck in her self-loathing rut…

Amy came rushing through the door. “Maria’s water broke, and she’s having contractions!”

Stephanie jumped to her feet, her legs having turned to rubber bands. Maria had gone into labor, as she’d been threatening for six weeks since Stephanie had first met her.

Words, as dry as the desert, crawled out of her mouth. “Have you called the paramedics?”

“She wants you, Doctor,” Amy said, eyes huge from adrenaline.

She hadn’t signed on for this. It said so in her contract—no delivering babies.

“Where is she?” Stephanie asked in a wobbling voice, following Amy to the procedure room.

Phil remained at her side, supporting her elbow and walking briskly with her. “You know what to do, and I’ll be here, right here. We’ll get through this together.”

His words of encouragement meant more than she could say.

Stephanie rushed into the procedure room, where Amy had left Maria between contractions. Phil was right on her heels.

“Maria, do you think you can make it to the hospital?” Stephanie said.

“Feels like the kid’s head is between my knees!”

Claire appeared. “I’m here if you need me.” Word had traveled fast through the clinic.

Surrounded by her clinic family and Phil, Stephanie
felt confidence spring back to life. She’d delivered more babies than she could count. She could do this. She went to the sink and splashed water on her face and washed her hands, then gowned up and gloved. “Let’s have a look,” she said.

This was Maria’s third baby, the woman knew the drill.

She’d check for effacement, dilatation and station. “One hundred percent, ten centimeters, plus three. I guess your baby doesn’t plan to wait for an ambulance,” Stephanie said, her heart kicking up a couple notches on the beat scale.

Amy rushed around the room gathering everything they might possibly need.

Stephanie glanced over her shoulder at Phil, who was looking a little pale, but was still there.

He touched her arm and nodded. “You’ll do fine. Now I’m going to step out of your way, but holler if you need me.”

As if on cue, Maria let out a guttural sound.

Stephanie saw Maria’s abdomen tighten into a hard ball. Now was the time to click into the moment and do what she’d been trained for. All other thoughts left her mind. Half an hour later, she positioned herself at the birth canal before giving a terse command. “Push!”

A tiny head with dark hair matted with vernix crowned.

“Keep pushing!” She slowly guided the baby’s facedown head through the birth canal. “Okay, now stop pushing.” She made a quick check to make sure the umbilical cord wasn’t wrapped around the baby’s neck. It wasn’t. “Push. Push.”

Soon the entire body flopped into her waiting hands, and the baby let out a wail.

Stephanie held the newborn as if he was made of porcelain. The squirming bundle of perfection mewed and tried to open his eyes. A booster shot of adrenaline made her hands shake.
What if I drop him?
Her arms felt as if they carried the weight of the world.

Phil appeared at her side, and put his gloved hands around the child for added support. His eyes met hers and she saw all the confidence she lacked right there. He believed in her. That look told her he knew she could do it. He’d never doubted her. He knew she could handle her own baby, too.

She bit her bottom lip to stop herself crying. Hadn’t she done enough of that lately? “It’s a boy!” Emotionally wrung out, she held the baby close enough for Maria to see. “He’s gorgeous.”

Maria grinned and nodded in agreement as Stephanie laid the newborn on her stomach.

“May I?” Phil asked, snipping the umbilical scissors in the air.

“Be my guest,” Maria said, cuddling her baby to her breast.

Phil glanced at Stephanie. “I wanted to get a little practice in before our baby arrives,” he whispered into her ear, before severing the cord.

His words meant more than anything in the world just then.

After the placenta was delivered, and the ambulance arrived to transport Maria, Stephanie cleaned up and went back to her office. Phil was right at her side. His eyes were bright with the buzz from Maria’s delivery as he closed the door.

“You were fantastic. You can handle anything you set your mind to,” he said.

The high from the delivery had boosted her confi
dence, and Phil’s support meant everything to her. He stepped closer and touched her shoulder.

“We’re going to have a baby. Steph. Look at me. In case you’re wondering, I want you and I want our kid.”

She gave him a questioning glance, her heart thumping so hard she thought it might crack a rib.

“I’m ready to make the leap,” he said. “And it’s all because of you, sweetheart.”

If she’d ever doubted that he loved her, that doubt vanished. Even though he knew her tragic secret, he still loved her. He was the best man she’d ever met.

“Nothing will sway me. Now that I’ve discovered you, I can’t let you go,” he said. “I’ve fallen crazy in love with you.” He took her into his arms. “I’m here to tell you I’m ready. I want you. You’re the woman I love. But there’s one thing that will hold us back, that is if you don’t love me, too.”

Why hadn’t she told him? He’d opened his soul and she’d been wallowing in self-pity. He hadn’t cursed her and run off when he’d found out she’d dropped her baby. He’d forced her to open her heart with small steps and a dog named Sherwood. He’d made love to her as if she were a goddess. He’d forced his way inside her fortress and conquered her heart. The guy deserved to know how she felt.

“I do. I love you, Phil. More than I can ever express.”

A relieved grin stretched across his face and he covered her mouth with his, whispering over her lips, “It’s about time you admitted it.”

After he’d kissed her thoroughly, leaving her breathless and weak-kneed, he held her at arm’s length.

“You need to forgive yourself.
Really
forgive yourself.

Your ex-husband let you down. He was a jerk. These horrible things happen in life, and somehow we have to dig deeper and keep going.

“I love you and I promise to never let you down. And if I do, you have my permission to call me on it. I won’t run. I won’t hate you. I’ll love and respect you. I’ll always love you, Stephanie.”

She crumpled into his embrace on another wave of tears, and he welcomed her with open arms. With the deepest feeling of connection to another human being she’d ever felt, she hugged him back.