The Cambridge Curry Club (19 page)

‘
Baba
, enough, Durga! You don’t know when to stop. I am really frightened. I don’t like sitting here in the dark.’ Swarnakumari screamed and pointed to a shadow on the wall. ‘Look, there is a knife! Look …sticking out!’

‘Give me your torch, Swarna!’ commanded Heera. She shone it on the object. ‘What a silly thing you are! How can you think the hanger was a knife, honestly!’

‘Heera, conscience calls. Aren’t you going to ring about the old lady?’ warned Durga.

Eileen was suspicious. ‘What old lady?’

‘Ignore her. She’s just winding us all up again.’ Heera turned urgently to Durga. ‘If I ring now, my plan
will be ruined. The thief won’t show up if there’s a police car outside.’

Durga was insistent. ‘You wouldn’t leave your old Aunty Buddi Mai like that, now would you, Heera?’

Swarnakumari quavered. ‘Police car? What are you talking about?’

‘I suppose you’re right. I’ll ring,’ agreed Heera.

She moved towards the telephone, and in the silence there was the sound of the unlocking of the shop door; the bell tinkled. The four women looked at each other in tacit agreement as Heera grabbed the torch and led them to the curtain. They saw a man bending over a box, and Heera moved forward with her torch as the others followed fearfully. The man turned, and
Swarnakumari
panicked, grabbed a saucepan and hit him on the head. As he tried to escape, there was the sound of something tearing, he tripped over an object in the centre of the room and there was a crash as he hit the floor. Heera switched on the lights.

‘Well done, Swarna! Knocked him out! Your Guru Ma would be proud of you,’ she cried.

Swarnakumari responded shakily, pleased. ‘Really? But I hit one person only. How come two are there now? Heera, Durga, tell me. I hit one person,
na
? This same person. But why is he lying on top of this old lady?’

Durga explained, ‘Two lovers with a single death wish.’

‘What to do with this girl! Durga, do not tease me. I do not understand anything at all. Tell me first, are there two thieves or only one?’

‘Look, the young man you knocked out is the thief. The old lady is dead. She’s been dead for some time. Why they ended up in a passionate clinch on the floor
is a long, long story. But anyway, well done, that was a nifty little blow you gave him,’ said Durga.

‘But …’

‘Seriously, great job, Swarna. And look, you’ve ripped his jeans, too!’

Swarnakumari was bewildered. ‘God and Guru Ma save me,
eita ki hochche
? What is happening?’

‘Shouldn’t we see who he is? C’mon, help me!’ ordered Heera.

Heera and Eileen heaved him over as Swarnakumari looked on in horror, and Durga peered down at him. ‘Young bloke, seen him before. Wait a minute, there’s no need to call in the police just yet. Do you know who we’ve got here?’

‘W-W-Who?’ asked Swarnakumari.

‘You’ll never guess – it’s Lady Di’s son!’ announced Durga.

‘What?’ Heera yelled.

‘It’s Lady Di’s son,’ repeated Durga.

Swarnakumari asked in hushed tones, ‘Are you sure?’

‘This Hugh Grant wannabe hangs about near the Mill pub at the river after school. He’s in the Sixth Form. I know a student who is a friend of his,’ replied Durga. ‘What? Don’t you believe me? Can’t you see the spitting resemblance to his mother?’

‘But how did he get in? We heard the sound of the key turning, didn’t we?’ asked Heera.

‘His mother’s, of course,’ deduced Eileen.

‘Anyway, terrific initiative, Swarna. You can explain to Lady Di you killed him in self-defence,’ said Durga.

‘What are you saying? Oh God, save me, how was I to know …’

Durga relented. ‘I was only teasing, Swarna. You’ve only knocked him out, that’s all. Serves him right.’

‘He’s breathing,’ said Eileen.

‘Oh, what a big scare I got, and my heart is beating so fast! Durga, you frightened me, but I forgive you. I am wondering, why does a boy from such a good family steal from this charity shop?’

‘Drugs,’ said Durga.

‘Drugs?’ Swarnakumari was speechless. ‘But why? Must be these English boarding schools. Children are lonely without their parents,
na
. And by the time they are seventeen, eighteen, they have picked up all the bad habits. Smoking, drinking …’

‘Wild sex.’

‘All right – yes, Durga, that also. But you know, I am thinking now I know why Mrs Wellington-Smythe must be worried about this naughty boy. Now I know why she is looking upset all the time.’

‘Perhaps he’s only a harmless modern-day Samuel Coleridge – the poet was a colourful character in his undergraduate days at Jesus College, you know. Ran up a pile of debts, and had to leave.’

Heera thundered, ‘What are you two on about? Don’t you realise what this means, girls? We’ve caught the thief, and he’s her son, of all people. Can you imagine her face when she sees it’s her own little samosa?’ She paused triumphantly. ‘Girls, girls, oh what sweet revenge, what a day this has been!’

‘Could he be wearing something he’s stolen from the shop?’ speculated Eileen.

Heera and Eileen inspected the young man while Swarnakumari paced the floor.

‘Does this striped shirt look familiar to you, Durga?’ asked Heera.

‘Yes, it’s a Paul Smith.’

Swarnakumari fretted, ‘Such a good, aristocratic
family
, and poor boy, no one to give him proper guidance. If the parents are too busy, or not caring about the problem, at least there should be grandparents like in our Indian families,
na
, to advise this poor boy.’

‘Do you have any idea how many young Asians do drugs?’ asked Durga.

‘
Hanh
?’

‘And how many Asian parents deny the problem exists?’

‘Girls, girls, we have caught the thief, and it’s Lady Di’s son. That’s all that matters,’ Heera reminded them.

‘Will he return my reading glasses?’ asked
Swarnakumari
hopefully.

‘Come here, girls, I’m dialling Lady Di’s number. Now just watch the fun.’ They gathered near the till.

‘Daina?’ Heera said quickly, deliberately
mispronouncing
her employer’s first name to dispense with protocol. ‘Heera here – you know, you call me Helen – from the shop again. Yes, I’m sorry to disturb you …No, I didn’t know you had important guests for dinner, but you told me to ring you …Yes, I will ring Sue Carter in the evenings from now on. Yes, I have her number …Yes, this
is
an emergency. You told me to call you about the burglary, and well, I now know who it is, and we have also caught him. He is right here in the shop …Yes, of course I can do that, but I think you should accompany the thief to the police station yourself along with the police.’

Heera was oblivious of the frantic signals from
Swarnakumari
and Durga as the young man raised himself in a daze and bolted out of the door, leaving it ajar. ‘If you are there, who knows, maybe the
Evening News
will want a photograph of you.’ She smiled, satisfied. ‘You are coming in twenty minutes? Yes, I’ll wait …Yes, actually we’re all still here. It’s past closing time, you know, it’s nearly six o’clock …Yes, everything is under control, I am waiting in the shop for you …We are waiting, goodbye!’

‘Heera, he’s gone,’ said Swarnakumari.

Heera looked in disbelief at the empty space on the floor. ‘Oh my God! Gone! How could he just get up and run off like that? Swarna, you’re useless. I thought you gave him a nasty blow, but I should’ve guessed,
naturally
you wouldn’t do it properly. Why didn’t
you
stop him? Durga, why didn’t you stop him?’

Swarnakumari was relieved. ‘
Baba
, now what has happened has happened. It was good I didn’t hurt him,
na
. After all, it is no less than the son of Mrs Wellington-Smythe. Guru Ma says violence …’

Heera raged. ‘Pardon my language, but to hell with your Guru Ma, is she going to help us now? No. So, what are we going to do?’

‘God will give us the strength to find the way,’ said Eileen calmly.

Swarnakumari agreed, ‘Yes, be calm, be calm. While you are thinking about what you are going to say to Mrs Wellington-Smythe, I am just going to wash my hands,
hanh
.’

‘What d’you mean? You’re not going anywhere, Swarna. No handwashing allowed. You stay right here. I’m not doing this alone. Let’s think about what we are
going to say to her. We’re in this together, and we’re all going to wait for her to arrive. We were so close – we were
this
close to catching him.’ Heera stepped on a set of keys. ‘What’s this? Keys to the shop? They must be the ones he took from his mother, and they dropped out of his pocket when he fell. Girls, now we have proof it was him.
Arre
, watch the fun when Lady Di arrives. She will have a lot of explaining to do.’

‘But do you not think that Mrs Wellington-Smythe might say
you
stole her keys from her? How can you prove it was her boy?’ asked Swarnakumari.

‘You’re right.’ Heera was crestfallen.

‘For once,’ said Durga.

‘What are we going to do?’ despaired Heera.

Durga prodded, ‘What are we going to do about the
old lady?
’

Heera and Durga heaved the body back onto the wheelchair. The handbag on the corpse fell open and a mirror and a pair of gloves tumbled to the floor.

‘Swarna, gloves! Do you want them for sorting the bags?’ cried Durga.

As she spoke, a man entered through the open door. ‘Evenin’. Sorry I’m late,’ he said. ‘Traffic on Milton Road’s shocking tonight. Got to collect a wheelchair for the Arthur Rank Hospice.’

Swarnakumari, Heera and Eileen froze, but Durga straightened and moved forward. ‘Oh, there you are. She’s been waiting for you.’ She bent over the old lady solicitously. ‘Haven’t you, angel? Off you go, my dear. Now, take good care of yourself where you’re going. Goodbye!’ She turned to the man. ‘She’s all yours.’

‘Got orders to pick up a wheelchair,’ repeated the man, perplexed.

‘A wheelchair. Yes, with her in it. She’s taking a nap, the old dear. She’s been travelling back and forth such a lot lately, poor thing. Let me help you wheel her out, that’s it. Could you hold the door open for me? Easy does it …Right. Goodbye.’

‘Wait, take her crutches too,’ said Eileen, handing them abruptly to the man.

‘Yes,’ agreed Durga. ‘Wouldn’t want to leave them behind, would we?’

Still perplexed, the man left with the elderly lady in the wheelchair, the crutches placed neatly across her lap.

Swarnakumari spoke slowly. ‘My heart is beating very fast,
baba
. What is all this happening? I need to sit down. Where did the young man go? Where did the old lady go? Where did this other man go?’

‘Oh no, I forgot to tell the man the brake on the wheelchair isn’t working. That was why some
eediot
had donated it to us in the first place,’ lamented Heera.

‘And I forgot to get my cardigan back,’ added Durga regretfully.

Heera fumed, ‘Forget the bloody cardigan. Lady Di will be here any minute. Girls, what are we going to do?’

The shop bell tinkled again, and before their worried eyes, the
Cambridge Evening News
photographer entered. ‘Hiya,
Cambridge Evening News
again. How are the four lovely ladies? Got a call from your boss. She’s coming down here. Had a lot of excitement lately, haven’t yer? Where’s the bloke you caught?’

Durga moved forward again. ‘It frequently happens that the signifier slips and evades the grasp of the
signified
in a poststructuralist site of unintentional fallacy.
It must be remembered that we live in a society of simulacrum, free of connection to reality. One should therefore desist from further discourse.’

‘Er …’ mumbled the photographer, lost.

‘Hang on, what’s this?’ she exclaimed as she spotted an object lying on the floor, and scooped it into her hands. ‘A wallet. Whose?’

‘Maybe a customer lost it?’ suggested Swarnakumari.

‘There’s only one way to find out,’ advised Eileen.

Durga flicked it open and paused for dramatic effect. ‘We’ve got the proof although we don’t have the pudding.’

‘Talk straight!’ commanded Heera.

‘Is this a hanger I see before me? Nay, behold, ’tis the purse of the noble lord.’

Heera spluttered, ‘You mean …? Oh my God, this is brilliant. Brilliant. It must have fallen, but how? When Swarna ripped his jeans? Oh my God. Yes!’

‘Good “back pocket” job on the trousers, Swarna,’ applauded Durga. ‘Your people in Kolkata would be proud of you.’

Swarnakumari looked pleased. ‘Really? You, and Mallika, you young girls are clever, but I am no less,
na
. But I still do not understand what is going on. First that young man falls on that poor lady, and then another man takes her away in the wheelchair. Who
are
these men?’

‘Rivals, both, for her love,’ quipped Durga.

‘What a story I will have to tell Mallika and Your Uncle. He has already been in the shop today, and so much has happened,
na
. How is he going to believe that so much more happened in one single day?
Actually
I still do not understand what happened, but
anyway … Oh, I am so late! I have to make the dinner.’ Swarnakumari paused. ‘Never mind, they should wait this time,
na
?’ she added, with a smile in Durga’s direction.

Durga smiled back. She had a sudden thought, speaking decisively to the photographer. ‘Mrs Wellington-Smythe would surely wish to capture this for posterity, since this is the moment we found proof of the thief’s identity and guilt. We’re ready for our photograph.’ She mimicked the photographer’s earlier instructions. ‘We’ll pose here, right under the shop sign
IndiaNeed
. Brilliant.’

When the phone rang, Heera hesitated. It finally
hiccuped
into silence as her mobile phone took over.

Durga urged, ‘Heera, come on, in the centre, that’s it. Now, why don’t you three lovely ladies display something that doesn’t belong to the shop? Ah, that’s it, the wallet. Could you hold it up so Mr Photographer can get a good close-up?’