The Cake is a Lie (12 page)

Fortunately for Benny, Brandon always
resented the fact that he lost a lot of his Syrie friends during
the transition to middle school. He’d even lost two “best friends
for life” to the skater crew. Brandon had grand schemes to get them
all back. So Brandon took Benny under his wing. I was
less-than-thrilled once it became clear what was going
on.

[5]
Breaking up with
Sarah was one of the worst mistakes Brandon made in his entire
life. Sarah Faith Hall is living proof of the
messy
unfinished business of real life. She was so perfect and our
meeting had been so random and magical that I spent my entire youth
certain I was going to be with her. I kept in touch with her for a
long time. I actually had some windows after highschool that I f-ed
up epically by saying really stupid things like “Ya, I def think I
could cheat on Emma” or “I’m working on a book about Jesus being
reborn in a third world country.” It doesn’t matter anyways because
Sarah and I are not meant to be. Her family is devout evangelical
Christian Republicans and as she grew up those values became more
and more important to her. Plus, she wants nothing more than to be
a mother. Her body also shifted over the years to resemble a pear.
Not that you still wouldn’t be tempted to overlook every single one
of these things and date her if you knew her growing up.

“
Guys my mom’s going to
suspect something” Benny whined from behind us as we began
inspecting the bottles. I liked just looking at all the bottles,
straight mesmerizing.

Benny was hardly super special. Skinny,
medium height, he had a scrunched weasel face but his chin and jaw
were well rounded so it created the illusion that he was handsome.
His hair was nauseatingly gelled up in the front like a duck’s
butt. No, Benny wasn’t my favorite, but I wasn’t obviously rude to
him, I knew how much that hurt. I was the opposite, suspiciously
too nice.

“
Yo Benny, what’s up man,
how’s life?”

Benny looked anxious, he was just one
of those people. His room was OCD organized. He’d use popular
phrases like “What up? What up?” and “Dawg that shit’s so tight,”
but he’d say them with a split second hesitation, as if he was sure
one of us was going to say, “Benny you’re such a poser.”

“
Relax man, your mom won’t
notice” Brandon said in his best reassuring voice.

“
You’ve already watered down
the Schnapps one third of the way.” Benny argued back.

Brandon and I rolled our
eyes at each other. The Schnapps
was
our favorite.

“
Fine we won’t drink the
Schnapps, Benny.”

“
Drink the gin.” Benny
commanded.

Silence. The gin was gross. Brandon and
I protested by not responding.

“
How about the vodka?”
Brandon finally countered.

“
You said you wouldn’t drink
anymore of the Vodka.” Benny was getting heated. Heated was my new
favorite slang word.

A showdown ensued. Brandon and Benny
were both the controlling types. In my opinion Benny was dumb for
pimping out his open house for a month and then completely becoming
a pussy the day of.

“
If I say you can’t have any
you can’t have any.” I was amazed Benny was standing up to Brandon.
How quickly the ‘Yes Man’ had forgotten his place. Brandon was our
god, without him we were groupless. But Benny’s open house did give
him some leverage. The argument escalated to a level I was
uncomfortable with so I stepped in to play peacemaker.

“
Hey, everybody chill,” I
interjected to get their attention. “Come on, Benny, pleassse make
us some drinks, like those bomb ones you made that one time,” I
said in a begging, playful voice. I really couldn’t stand fighting.
What Benny really wanted was to be included.

Brandon picked up on my lead, “Ya
Benny, make us something with the Vodka.”

“
Alright fine.” Benny agreed
after weighing his options for a moment. I was a genius.

“
My cousin taught me how to
make the best vodka orange juices ever, this is gonna be awesome.”
Benny opened the fridge and started scanning the shelves. His
demeanor changed from genuinely upset to excited and pumped way too
quickly for my taste.

He’s so fake, I thought, he’s always
worried, just like our society wants you to be.

Brandon and I would try and help him
chill out, learn to relax. We’d get him high with us but he’d
always make such a big deal out of it. He’d say shit like “Oh my
god guys this is soo awesome,” all night. Brandon and I were way
past that stage.

As Benny juiced some oranges, he
rambled on about how tight his older cousin was.

“
When are the girls coming?”
I asked Benny excitedly.

“
I just called Oakley,” He
replied, “They just left.”

It turned out Oakley was a great friend
to have. Brandon, Tysen, Brian and I would spend the night at
Benny’s house and chat online for hours, huddled around the
computer, roaring out what we should type next. Oakley was one of
our favorites, her AIM username was bubblebuttxxo, because
apparently she had a bubble butt. I’d never heard that term before,
it sounded soo stupid, who cared about a butt anyways? I didn’t.
Oakley would talk to us about anything, but our favorite topic was
masturbation. Asking girls if they’d masturbated was my go-to
question to put some tension in the air, make them squirm. Girls
usually handled the question like “no biggie.” Yes or no, prudes or
sluts. We’d asked Oakley if she masturbated and she’d answer “All
the time,” completely nonchalantly. Girls who played along were so
much more interesting than the prudes. It was so exhilarating to
hear a girl talk openly and confidently about her body and her
urges.

Holding our Winnie the Pooh cups,
Brandon, Benny, and I stood around in Benny’s living room
impatiently peering out his front window, anticipating a sighting
of Oakley and Elle. My stomach started going all
roller-coaster.

We’d talk with Oakley on the phone late
into the night, “If you touch yourself all the time, then do it for
us now, Oakley, it’s no biggie.”

“
Haha,” Time would freeze
for the pauses that followed her laughter. “Ok.”

We’d listen to Oakley’s raspy moans
while we all silently jump around the room ecstatically, fighting
each other for a turn to hold the phone.

We each knew a few girls we
could call and play the same game with. Your contact list of girls
you could call at night was an important asset at an
8
^th
grade sleepover. My prize was a bomb Edmonds woodway super
slut, Tiff Starr. We’d met at tennis class. She was always bragging
about how sexually active she was, she’d told me that one time she
jerked off six guys in her basement. It was appalling and thrilling
at the same time. Tiff was always down to talk with us late into
the night, listening to us pester her about her dildos and
vibrators. [6][7]

I went to Benny’s bathroom. I checked
my hair, I’d been growing out a shag just like Loren, it was
halfway down my neck. I’d upgraded from my sweater vest to a grey,
puffy, zip-up vest. I loved pairing it with long sleeved shirts.
Especially long sleeved shirts with color contrasting collars. It
created the perfect three layered effect around my neck when I
zipped down the vest a quarter of the way. I checked my jean
sagging length, you could just see a sliver of my checkered red
boxers between my jeans and vest. Perfect.

I took one last glance in the mirror
and really looked at myself. One of my favorite rituals. I looked
and reminded myself how lucky I was to be alive, how I’d beat out
all those other millions of sperm. I’d never had to worry about
when I would eat next. I’d think about how lucky I was to be
healthy, to not have to live with chronic pain. I thought about the
children dying of fever around the world, working in sweat shops.
With these realizations spinning, I brought up my hand and watch as
I controlled it, slowly moving it around, clenching a fist, in awe
at life like a newborn. Then, I flushed the unopened toilet and
went back to join Brandon and Benny in the living room.

[6]
Oakley probably
faked all of the late night telephone theatrics.

[7] When Tiff wasn’t talking about sex she
was talking about how she hated her mom’s guts and wanted to kill
herself. Tiff went on to become a stripper and then a drug addict
dependent on old, married sugar daddies. Even knowing all this, the
last time I saw her I hit on her. Vampire yo.

Oakley and Elle were headed
up Benny’s walkway when I got back. Ellie was one of Oakley’s best
friends and as far behind developmentally as an
8
^th
grade girl could possibly be. Short, tiny, flat chested like a
boy, braces, with a blond little mustache and hairy
arms.

The pair hesitated when they reach the
open door, unsure of how to proceed. Benny went to greet
them.

“
Hey. What’s up?”

“
Hey,” They replied. Brandon
and I nonchalantly ignored them, grinning wildly at each other as
we stood posed in front of the fireplace. The girls entered and
Oakley remarked on how cute Benny’s house was. It’d been almost a
year since I’d seen Oakley in person. She looked really good. She’d
grown her dark hair out and was wearing makeup, it made her look
older and more mature. I immediately updated her to crush status.
She definitely wasn’t my true love though, she was still flat
chested and her arms were still hidden under little, dark bushy
hairs.

I broke away from my “too cool” act and
acknowledge them.

“
Well, well.. if it isn’t
Oakley Carter.” I exalted her name in a mockingly playful tone. I’d
learned “well, well..” from my brother, he was always saying,
“Well, well… look who finally showed up.”

“
Oh hi Marco..” I loved the
way her signature, flirty raspy voice ran over my name, “…and
Brandon.” In response to our “too cool” charade, she theatrically
greeted us as if she was just now realizing we were
there.

As they felt their way into the room, I
stared at Oakley’s butt. I concluded she definitely didn’t have a
“bubble butt” and whoever told her that was obviously lying. Her
friends probably felt bad she was flat chested so they told her she
had a bubble butt to make her feel better.

Eventually they sat down on Benny’s
couch, I hopped into one of the recliners. Small groups were my
thing, this was my zone.

“
Soooo..” I started off
loudly in my best awkward person impression. They laughed. “How’s
private school, your majesties? It’s so nice of you to grace us
lowly public school kids with your presence.”

Brandon laughed the hardest at that
one, as if it was an inside joke that Oakley and Elle didn’t fully
understand. Whoa, hold the reins Brandon, I thought.

“
Private school girls are
the worst.” Oakley responded. She then turned to Elle, “Can you
believe Christie isn’t even talking to me anymore because she says
I talked to James?”

Elle’s eyes flew wide open and she
acted really shocked and interested at this news. I had no idea who
they were talking about, but I had a great joke for these
situations.

“
I can’t stand Christie
either! What a bitch.” Everyone laughed. Brandon must have already
heard that joke a dozen times, but he laughed the
loudest.

Benny asked them if they wanted a
drink. Oakley turned to look at Elle. Elle’s stone face said it
all. Oakley turned back around “No, we have to go back to Elle’s in
a bit.” I despised squares like Elle. She probably did every little
thing her parents told her. She didn’t experience anything for
herself and now she was going to ruin our fun too.

Oakley said, “So, what do you guys want
to do?”

“
Let’s play truth or
dare.”

Oakley smiled and again turned to
Elle.

“
Comee onn,” I said in my
most playfully begging voice. “It’s so fun, Elle, you have no
idea.”

“
I’ve played truth or dare
before,” Elle snapped back. Brandon, Benny, and I all
laughed.

“
Alright, Elle, well since
you’re such a veteran then you’ll have no problem
playing.”

“
We’ll play,” Oakley said,
as she gave Elle a reassured glance. “But you guys have to go
first.” On the inside I squirmed uncontrollably, like an ecstatic
eight-year-old describing his favorite movie. The last thing we
cared about was who went first.

“
Ok, deal,” Benny said, as
if we just made a huge compromise. Oakley turned to me.

“
Marco, I dare you to make
out with Brandon.”

I was taken aback, but we all started
giggling. Very clever, Oakley, I thought. I’d never been dared to
kiss another guy before. Brandon and I looked at each other to gage
the other’s reaction and buy time. I’d do it, I didn’t give a crap
if anyone thought I was gay.

“
Damn, that’s a tough
one.”

“
No way,” Brandon said
before gulping down the last bit of his drink.

“
If you do it,” Oakley said
with a deadly serious face, “Elle and I will do it.”