The Broken Parts Of Us (14 page)

“We don’t know yet. He is in pretty bad shape, though, and all the evidence points to him at this juncture.”

“Thank you. It will make leaving the house easier knowing you found him.”

“You ever have a bad day when you’re worried about leaving the house alone, you call me, do you understand?” I reach under her chin and bring her face to mine. Seeing the tears wash across her eyes, the fear in them brings me back to the day I saw it in Mya’s, and my chest tightens. The pang of grief that lives in my heart spreads like a an open wound, staining my insides and coating my emotions in a heavy fog.

“Call me, okay?” I stand, leaving her, and go back to the car to call River.

“Hey, baby. What’s up?” She sounds happy and it’s so good to hear that in her voice. “Der, what’s wrong?” I hear Jasper in the background asking her what’s wrong, then a shuffling noise down the line. “Hey, I’ve come outside, talk to me,” she says.

“I just had a moment. I miss her, you know.”

Her breathing blows through the line. “I know, Der. Go speak to her. Tell her how you’re feeling.”

* * * * *

I take the painful drive to where Mya ended her life; the winding roads tormenting me with every bend, the trees mocking me as I pass them, and my soul fading the closer I get. It’s hard on my sanity coming here, the painful ache growing, spreading throughout me like a cancer , but sometimes it’s the only place I feel close to her and can remember her clearly. The memories are becoming like an apparition of her. I just want to see her clearly and tell her I love her.

Time does help you heal, but it doesn’t fade the love you feel, and with love comes the ache and loneliness when you allow the grief to overcome you.

I pull the car up and step out, the ghost of my past self coming here that night assaults me as the despair renders me incapable of moving.

I slump back against the car, slide to the ground and just sit.

“
W
as that Derek? Is he okay?”  I ask River as she walks back into the restaurant. I recognise the pain in her eyes.  She’s thinking of Blay, which means Derek is having a bad day. They don’t happen often, maybe a few times a year, but it hits him hard.

My heart fucking hurts right now for them. “Is he at the cliff top?” I had followed him there before under the orders of River, to just sit in the car and wait him out.

“Yeah, go.”

I kiss her cheek. “Are you sure you’re okay with me leaving you? Want me to ring Sammy?”

“No, no, go. I’ll ring him and let him know I’m getting Kyra. Go get Derek, Jasp. Take him home.”

“Okay.” I kiss her again, then make my way to Derek.

It takes me over an hour to get to him. I find him sitting propped against his car; he doesn’t even flinch when I pull up, neither does he look in my direction.

I walk to him and slide down next to him. “She’s not here, Der.”

He turns to face me; the red straining the whites of his eyes tightens my chest.

“Don’t take my only comfort away, Jasp. She’s here.”

I rest my hand over his heart. “This is where she is. Always. You don’t need to come here to talk to her. She’s always with you, she can hear you from wherever you are. Let’s go home and get a drink. Ky’s gone home with River.”

He looks down at my hand, then out into the horizon. The sun is a golden orb shining back at him, kissing his skin and lighting his face. He has a chiselled jaw that tics when he’s concentrating on something, or is upset. His nose is a perfect shape. His lips are full; dark lashes blanket his eyes. I can feel the muscles flex in his pec where my hand lays.

“Jasp! I said, okay.” 

“I’m sorry, what?” I ask him. I had completely zoned out.

“I said okay, let’s go. I’ll follow you.”

I pull my hand from his chest and jump to my feet. “Okay.”

* * * * *

I pour him his third scotch. He hasn’t said a word since we came in and I don’t want to push him.
Food. I’ll go with food.

“You hungry?” 

He shakes his head and holds his glass up for another shot.
Fuck, think… River.

“So, River seemed great today. She had colour in her cheeks, laughed and joked.”

His eyes rise to find mine and I inhale harshly at the pain in his gaze. “I have days where I feel like I failed her and I miss her so fucking bad it takes every ounce of strength not to throw myself off to join her.”

I feel sick.

“It’s not all the time just… I have bad days. I thought this guy doing these crimes was her ex. But it wasn’t like Danny, that bastard still haunts me …it’s not just the dead that haunt people, the living can, too.”  He shoots back the scotch. “I was convinced it must be him and then”—he rubs his hand across his forehead—“it wasn’t, it’s just some fuck. He had a couple priors for possession, lived in a shit hole on the other side of town, no family.”

I walk around the bar. “That’s a good thing, right?” 

He stands and walks over to the fireplace; he skims some of the photos with his fingertips. “I wanted to finally fucking have Evan in my grasp, feel his pulse dim under my hand. I didn’t want to be responsible for what happened to these women, but it was something I was willing to be if it meant getting to end that bastard. Why didn’t she come to me? Let me look after her? Mend her?”

His voice breaks and so do my insides. I had never felt so heartbroken and in need to comfort in my whole life. He was hurting and my heart hurt for him, above everything, he was my good friend and I felt his suffering. I go and stand behind him, resting my palm on his shoulder. “Why don’t you have pictures of her?” I had noticed this in the years living with him, but had never asked why there were none.

“My mom blames me, and she wouldn’t let me have any. I don’t have anything of hers, just a fading fucking image in my head.” His voice wavers as the emotions mix with alcohol.

I guide him to the couch and he slumps into the seat. “You should eat something. Should I order?” I ask, watching him rest his head back and close his eyes.

“Just sit with me, Jasp. Just give me that.”

I sit next to him, bewildered by his simple request. Why would he say it like I might refuse? My mind shuts up when my dick twitches. He lays his head in my lap; I rest my arms over the back of the sofa and don’t even breathe. The back of his head rests on my thigh, too fucking close to my growing dick. He shifts, kicking his legs over the arm of the sofa, so he’s lying across the couch. I watch his eyes flutter closed. I can’t move and if I’m being honest with myself, I don’t want to. I want to give him this comfort. I want to ease his pain somehow and if just sitting here like this is a way to do that, then I will. I’ll sit here all night.

* * * * *

 I shift and an ache twinges my neck. “Argh, fuck,” I moan, reaching up and rubbing the knot out. I feel the weight shift in my lap and freeze. I must have fallen asleep and Derek has still got his head in my lap, right over my dick.
Think about something else, think about something else. Derek’s face is on your crotch! Fuck, think about something else. Sammy; okay, yeah that works. River and Michael, okay let’s keep going. Jase, Kyra… fuck Kyra, Kyra and me, mmmm Kyra and Derek, fuck Derek and me ….and Kyra.

“I’ll make coffee.” Derek’s gravelly voice bursts my thoughts as he jumps from the sofa like it’s caught fire. I look down at the huge erection I’m sporting; I guess my cock poking him in the ear took him by surprise. The couch fucking did catch fire.

I make my way to my room to shower and change. Checking my cell, I notice several missed calls from Hannah. I hit her number and listen for the few rings before she answers.

“Jasper, God where were you? I called last night.” 

I try to shake off the dread she instils in me. “I’m sorry Han, I got caught up with something. What’s up?”

“Mom has a few dresses she likes here, and as long as we do the wedding in the next couple months, the alterations can be made.” 

I fight back the retort my mind is desperate to give her and steady my voice. “Okay, well if you like them, what do you need from me?”

I hear a male in the background say her name and then the line goes silent. “Hannah, who was that?”

There’s silence for a few seconds before she speaks again. “Sorry, room service. I needed some ginger for the sickness.” 

“The room service guy knows you by name?” I ask, not really giving a shit, it’s just bizarre.

“Well, I get morning sickness, so he comes here daily, Jasper. What are you trying to imply?”

 I didn’t need this shit. “Nothing, I only asked a question. Fuck, Hannah.”

“Do you have to say that WORD?” she screeches, and I move the phone from my ear until she stops her little rant.

“Hannah! What do you need from me for this? Money?”

“No, Mom’s paying. I just wanted to let you know that it’ll take an extra couple of days if we go ahead to buy. Mom wants to be one hundred percent, so she wants to check out a couple of different boutiques. She’s set up appointments for the next couple days.” 

I have no clue why she would need an appointment to shop, or why it took her going away for over a week to pick a wedding dress. This is why I love River; she’s like a guy where that stuff is concerned. One shop, go in, get what you need and get out.

“That’s fine, just make sure you like whatever she picks, Hannah. This is your wedding.” I couldn’t put any enthusiasm into the word wedding; it was a foreign word to me, and something I never planned on having.
Shit, I really need to call my dad.

* * * * *

The next few days are the same at home; a tense atmosphere when Derek and I are together, and me trying to avoid him. I eat my meals out, come in late, work out, and go to bed, but my body has some fucked up connection to his and just knowing he’s in the house, bedroom, shower… Fuck I’m losing it, and masturbating like a high school kid on Viagra.

Kyra has been busy learning all the manager crap at Twinkle Toes, so I haven’t seen her and I’m nervous about having them all round for family night.

River is like a physic when it comes to us; she knows everything a lot of the time before we even know we’re feeling it.

I stop at a convenience store a few blocks away on my way home from work. I buy milk, and treats for Mikey, and slowly make my way back to the car. This chore has taken me all of twenty minutes, nowhere near long enough to keep my inner battles about Derek from driving me in-fucking-sane. But I can’t stay out forever. People are expecting me, and I need to man the fuck up.

 I open the door and slip into my car. I’m about to pull out when I see Hannah’s mom chatting to a women outside a hair salon.
What the fuck?
I pull out my cell and text Hannah.

You didn’t tell me you were coming back today.

Two minutes later I receive a reply.

I’m not, I’ll be back in a few days. H

I stare over at her mother. It’s her without a doubt; I would know that stiff upper lip anywhere.

Did you and your mom decide on a dress?

No, she wants to be sure, so we’re going back to the first ones again. H

Why is she lying to me? I step from the car, hold my phone up, snap a picture of her mom and send it to her. I wait for a reply for thirty minutes.

Asshole!!

Yeah, I’m the asshole. She’s lying to me.

You better not be fucking someone else with my baby in your stomach, Hannah!

The phone rings in my hand, startling me, making me nearly drop it.

“What’s your problem, Jasper? Why do you have to be so crude and rude? And if I were, I wouldn’t be doing anything different than you are.” Her irate voice screeches at me down the line.

“You told me you’re with your mother, and yet I’m staring at her, Hannah. And I’m not fucking anyone.”

She breathes heavy down the line. “Well, you should get that out your system now, Jasper. Because once we’re married and the baby comes, there will be none of that.”

Is she for real? “You’re telling the man you’re going to marry to go fuck around?”

“I’m not naïve, Jasper. I know who you are, and let’s not act like this is love.”

 She’s right, it’s not and I am who I am. I fuck a lot of women, so why does her saying it twist my gut? “Why am I looking at your mother, Hannah?”

“Fine! I’m a little freaked out by everything and just needed a break, okay? My mother already has the dress. It’s disgusting and already a size smaller because she likes to rub it in that I’m not a skinny bride like she was.”

Why she didn’t just tell me all this? Like I would begrudge her time away. Her mom is spiteful; who would want to make their kid feel like shit? The dress, she already had it, and I probably won’t even notice when I’m having a panic attack at the altar.