The Bright Side (59 page)

“Well,” she said. “You’ve certainly …” But she ran out of steam immediately
.

And then I saw that her bottom lip was beginning to tremble. I was knocked off balance completely
.

“Melissa? Are you all right?
”

She brought one hand up to her mouth and used the other to steady herself on the sofa, as if she was in danger of keeling over from the sitting position. I shifted my weight, ready to get up and go to her, but she was on her feet before I made it to mine. She walked off – ran, really – in the direction of the kitchen. I stepped after her, unable to believe how quickly things had unravelled
.

“Leave me alone!” she wailed as she disappeared around the corner
.

I stood still and
ran my hand across
my brow, wondering what the
hell
had
just
happened.
Colm
was
in the
kitchen.
I heard
him
speaking
in
a
tense
whisper
but
couldn’t
make
out what
he
was
saying.
Then
Melissa
produced
a
sort
of
groan and
took
off
again,
this
time
down
the
hall
and
up
the
stairs. Colm
followed
–
I
heard
their
footsteps
thumping
past.
Then she
shouted
at
him
to
leave
her
alone
too.
Not
knowing
how else
to
proceed,
I
sat
down
again.
After
a
few
seconds,
the door
to
the
hall
swung
open
and
Colm
crept
in.
He
gave
me
a
weary
smile
and
heavy
sigh
combo,
then
took
the
seat
that Melissa
had
occupied
not
two
minutes
earlier
.

“Is
she
all
right?”I
asked.
“I
mean,
obviously
not,
but
–” “Dunno,”
he
said.
“She
wouldn’t
even
tell
me
what
the
problem
was.
”

“We were just talking,” I said, “and she suddenly got all upset. Legged it before I knew what was what.
”

“Hmmm.
”

“It was my fault. I brought up the subject of … Mum and Dad.
”

That was as far as I was willing to go for the moment. I wanted to see how he would react. The answer to that one was: slowly. He didn’t say or do anything at first. And then, ever so gently, he started to nod his head. The movement was almost imperceptible at first. By the time I’d realised that he was doing it, he’d stopped. There followed a lengthy silence. And then, at last, he spoke
.

“That might not be good,” he said. I stared across at him. “Oh?
”

He shook as head with no more vigour than he had nodded it. “No.
”

“Why do you say that?
”

“She’s very … sensitive about all that.
”

“Yeah. I know. That’s why I brought it up, I suppose. We can’t keep pussyfooting around the way we have been. I mean, you know about all it, don’t you? The way it’s been between us? And why?
”

“I know you’ve had your problems,” he said noncommittally
.

“We sure have,” I agreed. “And I want them to stop. You know what I really hate about all this? She makes me feel like I should be
defending
drunk driving. You know? Saying ‘Oh, get over it, it was no big deal’. When it was a big deal. Christ, I know that.
”

I realised that my voice had risen and flashed a half-smile at Colm to show that I wasn’t about to lose my temper entirely
.

“It must be hard for you,” he said. And then he stared at his knees for a moment. “Has she, eh … Has she ever talked to you about her own feelings? Her guilt? About her … role? As she sees it.
”

“Sorry?
”

“That night. When your Mum and Dad died.
”

“
Guilt
?” I squeaked. “
Role
? What role? She didn’t have a role.
”

“No,” he agreed. “She didn’t. But it’s hard to convince her of that sometimes.
”

“I don’t follow you.
”

He puffed out some air. “There’s nothing to follow. It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. But they were coming back from our house, weren’t they? Your parents.
”

I waited for him to come to the point. And then I realised that he already had. My eyes widened. “No!
”

“Yeah …
”

“No! You’re
joking
me! She feels guilty because –” “Because –
”

“– they were killed coming back from
visiting
you?” “Yes. Yeah. Yes. That’s about the height of it.
”

“But that’s ridiculous!
”

“I know that. Try telling your sister.
”

“They could have been coming home from anywhere. Or been on their way
to
anywhere. She can’t possibly think –
”

“She does, Jackie. I know she does. She hasn’t mentioned it in a long time. But there was a time when it was all she talked about.
”

“You’re
joking
me.” I knew I was repeating myself but I found it hard to stop
.

“I wish I was. She was very hard on herself for a long time. Back then. Months. And months. If you ask me, she’s never really allowed herself to get over it.
”

“But I’m the one she gives the hard time to. Why does … I don’t see … Right, I’m going to talk to her.
”

I got up but Colm followed suit and with a nimbleness that I wouldn’t have credited him with, intervened between me and the door I was heading for
.

“Please don’t,” he said. “But I have to try to –
”

“I’ve
tried
. Dozens of times. It doesn’t work. She won’t listen.
”

I thought it over. And then I rushed past him. He grabbed my forearm and when I turned to face him, immediately let it go again; he really wasn’t the physical-action type
.

“Jackie,” he said. “It would be a mistake. Believe me.
”

I shook my head. “Colm, I want to know what’s going on.” Silently and miserably, he sat down again. I left the room
.

CHAPTER
25

My
first
knock
on
Melissa
and
Colm’s
bedroom
door went
unanswered.
The
second
was
met
with
a
hissed
“
Go
away.
”

“It’s me,” I said (as if that would help). “Let me in, Melissa. Please. I want to talk to you.
”

“Leave me alone,” she said
.

At least, I thought that was what she said. By the sound of it, she had buried her head in a pillow. Her line might just as well have been “Lob me a bone” or “Lend me a throne”
.

I turned the handle – the door wasn’t locked. “No. I won’t. I’m coming in.
”

She
started
to
protest
but
I
had
crossed
the
threshold
before
she
could
properly
get
going.
I
thought
my
unsolicited
entry
might
set
her
to
full-on
roaring
and
screaming
but
mercifully,
it
had
just
the
opposite
effect.
She was
lying
diagonally
on
the
bed
and
when
I
stepped
inside, she
gave
me
a
quick
(and
dirty)
look
before
slamming
her head
back
into
the
depths
of
her
foot-thick
pillow.
It
was
a maneouvre
that
Chrissy
had
often
employed
in
her
teenage years
(it
was
her
second
favourite,
in
fact,
after
the
bathroom- door-slam).
In
Chrissy’s
case,
it
was
invariably
accompanied
by
frantic,
snotty
wailing
and
accusations
of
betrayal,
callousness
or
cold
indifference;
sometimes
all
three.
Melissa,
by
contrast,
had
no
follow-up
to
the
head-slam.
She just
lay
there,
breathing
so
heavily
that
her
entire
body seemed
to
be
pulsing
.

“Melissa,” I said softly, as if trying to wake her. “Come on. Sit up. Let’s have a chat.
”

She made no response, other than to shift the position of her slippered right foot by a few inches
.

“I didn’t mean to upset you,” I went on. “I’m sorry.” Again, nothing – not so much as a twitch
.

“Don’t you think we should talk? Or, at least, you could talk to me – tell me what I said to annoy you so badly.
”

At last, she spoke. Her voice was hoarse but calm. “Jackie, I’m not annoyed at you. Please, just leave me alone. Please. Go back down and … Just go back down.
”

If
I
hadn’t
had
my
brief
but
highly
informative
chat
with Colm,
then
I would
have
guessed that
this
was a
bog- standard
brush-off
and
would
probably
have
become
angry. Instead,
I
perched
myself
on
the
end
of
the
bed
and
reached out
to
touch
her
ankle.
She
didn’t
exactly
recoil,
but
she turned
her
face
still
further
into
the
pillow.
I
had
two
options
open
to
me,
I
realised.
I
could
feign
ignorance
and
try
to tease
a
revelation
out
of
her
gradually
or
I
could
tell
her
that I’d
spoken
to
Colm
and
cut
right
to
the
chase.
All
things being
equal,
the
first
was
obviously
superior.
If
I
could
get
Melissa
to
open
up
of
her
own
accord,
we
would
undoubtedly
be
on
surer
ground.
Telling
her
about
my conversation
with
her
husband
might
lead
to
a
screaming match
and,
quite
apart
from
that,
would
be
a
horrible betrayal
of
his
trust.
I
weighed
it
up
for
a
few
seconds
and then
went
the
potential
screaming
match/horrible-betrayal- of-trust
route
.