The Brain in Love: 12 Lessons to Enhance Your Love Life (16 page)

ACI Adult Intake Topics

1. Why Are You Here?

In this section we ask people why they came to the clinic. What is the problem? For daters, you need to know what the real purpose
of the date is. What does the person really want? This is a critical question to answer. Is the person looking for a one-night stand, a friend, a long-term relationship? Do his or her goals match your desires?

2. What Have You Done in the Past to Fix the Problem?

In this section of the questionnaire we ask patients about past attempts to fix the problem for which they are seeking help. For daters, you want to learn about their past dating experiences. How have they attempted to meet people? What has worked and what hasn’t?

3. Medical History

Here we ask about a patient’s physical health. We ask about general health, current and past medications, surgeries or hospitalizations, past head injuries, sexually transmitted diseases, and allergies. In dating, you want to know the specifics about the health of a person. A good way to ask these questions is by starting off with your own health history and then asking about theirs. The health of someone’s brain usually influences the potential health of their relationships. Be curious. Past head injuries may help explain impulsive or erratic behavior. None of the information gathered needs to be the final decision on ruling someone in or out, but it can help you make a more informed decision in the context of the whole relationship.

4. Past Psychiatric History

Has the person ever been diagnosed or treated with a psychiatric illness, such as ADD, anxiety, or depression? According to the National Institutes of Mental Health, 49 percent of the United States population at some point in their lives will meet the criteria for a mental disorder. It is almost more normal to have a problem
than to not have a problem. I never think this should rule someone in or out. But you need to know. If someone has a condition, you absolutely want to know as much as possible about it.

5. Current Life Stresses

In this section we ask about the current stresses in a person’s life, such as financial, health, work, or family issues. It helps us to understand the whole person and perhaps why they are having problems at this time. The current stresses in a person’s life are something worth knowing for potential daters. What is stressful or difficult in the person’s life at the moment? A friend of mine once dated a woman who had serious financial problems. She was still being supported by an ex-boyfriend who continued to have sex with her as an exchange. It was important information for my friend to know. This can also be a place to ask potential partners about financial stability. Even though this is an uncomfortable topic, it is critical nonetheless. Financial issues are one of the most common sources of stress for couples. Truly understanding a person’s attitude and behavior toward money can tell you a lot of information about a person’s judgment and how he or she deals with responsibilities.

6. Sleep Behavior

Sleep issues are explored in this section, including nightmares, recurrent dreams, insomnia, and any current problems in getting up or going to bed. In sexual relationships sleep is a very important issue. Is the person a light sleeper, so any snoring might bother him or her? Is there chronic insomnia, so partners cannot sleep together, which is a very common problem?

7. School History

We want to know all about school. It is such an important part of someone’s life. Here are some questions to ask. What did you like
and not like about school? What did your teachers say about you? What were your best and worst subjects? What were your biggest frustrations and joys in school? How far in school did you go? Do you have further educational goals?

8. Employment History

Likewise, we want to know all about a person’s work history. Work says a lot about a person. Some questions to consider asking include: What were your favorite jobs? Worst jobs? What would past employers say about you? What is your dream job? What are your work goals?

9. Legal History

This section explores any legal or criminal issues. For a potential partner it is a good idea to know if there are any ghosts in the legal past, such as bankruptcies, divorce proceedings, child-custody issues, arrests, criminal charges, and convictions. Even though it seems obvious to ask, sometimes we are blinded by the light of the oasis and fail to do so. If you are in doubt, check their background, which can be done easily on the Internet.

10. Sexual History

This is often an uncomfortable subject, even for psychiatrists. But it is essential to understanding a person’s life and psyche. It is crucial to know the sexual history of your potential mate. Here are some potential questions to consider. Age of first sexual experience? Number of sexual partners? Any history of sexually transmitted disease? Any abortions? Any history of molestation, sexual abuse, or rape? Any current sexual problems? Any fetishes or particular behaviors I should know about? What is your attitude toward pornography?

11. Drug and Alcohol History

This is a critical part of our intake process. Even with us, many patients lie about their drug and alcohol usage. Of all the issues that damage relationships, drug and alcohol abuse are near the top of the list. Moderate to heavy use of drugs or alcohol likely predicts trouble in the future because they damage brain function. Whatever damages brain function damages life function as well. Ask candid questions, listen to the answers, and observe the person’s behavior when you are together. Questions we ask about drug and alcohol usage include: How much alcohol do you drink? What other drugs have you used? What is your current usage? Has anyone ever been concerned about your drug or alcohol usage? Have you ever felt guilty about your drug or alcohol use? Have you ever felt annoyed when someone talked to you about your drug or alcohol use? Have you ever used drugs or alcohol first thing in the morning?

12. Significant Developmental Events

In this section we want to know about the events that help shape a person’s character. Here we want to know about marriages, separations, divorces, deaths, traumatic events, losses, abuse, and also biggest joys, greatest moments, and successes. Listen to the events that highlight your potential mate’s past.

13. History of Past Marriages and Romantic Relationships

This section helps us understand how people connect to past intimate lovers and partners. It is important to know about a person’s history in relationships. Do they blame others for all the problems or have they learned from their own mistakes? What have been the issues, patterns, joys, and sorrows in past relationships? The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. How people have been in the past is likely how they will be. This is not always true, but true enough that you want to know past patterns.

14. Family History (Parents, Siblings, and Children)

Family history is one of the most important sections of our intake process. Many brain problems, such as ADD, depression, alcoholism, or bipolar disorder, are genetic and tend to run in families. Understanding a person’s family usually gives you good insight into their own character and vulnerabilities. Listen to family stories. Specifically, try to understand the relationship between a potential partner and his or her mother and father.

15. Spirituality

How did he or she get along with his or her mother (which is usually the primary bonding relationship)? This relationship usually sets the tone for all other relationships for males and females. A positive maternal-child bond helps the brain feel more settled as it develops; a strained maternal-child bond causes stress hormones to disrupt development. How did he or she get along with his or her father (another crucial relationship)? What about the relationship with siblings, and children? Meet his/her family and watch the interactions between them.

It is unusual for many psychiatrists to ask about a person’s relationship with God or his sense of meaning and purpose in life. Yet, I feel these are very important topics to discuss. This is certainly a critical issue in relationships. When people are matched in their sense of meaning and purpose, with their beliefs in God or a higher power, their relationships tend to be happier and more mutual. Ask your potential mate about current beliefs in God and religion. What was he or she taught growing up? What does he or she believe are the influences of these beliefs on other aspects of life? What is his or her overall sense of meaning and purpose in life? Why does life matter? These questions often stimulate great discussions. If not, that is more information for you to have in evaluating the relationship.

BrainMatch.com and Internet Dating

Internet dating is the rage, and rightly so. Bars are definitely not the best place to meet someone, especially if you are into brain health. Workplace romances are often trouble from the start. And friends and family can only set you up so much. The Internet works because you are meeting people who want to be met—people who are ready, willing, and available (if they are not lying). People on dating sites help you sift through important information. They tell you what they like, don’t like, their habits and interests. You can see how they write, how they think, and how creative or not they are. I have many friends and patients who have made great use of Internet dating.

Of course, there are dangers to Internet dating as well. One of my eighteen-year-old patients from Northern California met a man from West Virginia on the Web. They talked for hours, got engaged, and he sent her a train ticket to be with him. When she told me all of this in a therapy session, the father in me freaked, and the psychiatrist part of me called a family meeting. I had the mother and father come into our session and we discussed the pros and cons of the pending move. When the girl broke off the trip and the engagement, the man threatened to kill her. We later found out he had just been released from jail. Children, teenagers, and some young adults need to be protected from the seedy side of the Internet. As sex and gambling can become addictive, so can Internet dating. I have known people who spend hours a day searching for the perfect date. They can’t stop and it affects every aspect of their lives, including their jobs and relationships with their children.

From a neuroscience perspective, here are a few tips for safer Internet dating:

1. Really look at the photos posted. If they contain pictures of motorcycles, fast cars, or skydiving, it is likely the person is excitement seeking (perhaps low in PFC activity). If more than one of the pictures has alcohol in it, be concerned about drinking.
   

2. Look for the truth. Many people lie on Internet dating. If they lie in that situation, they are likely to lie in others. Lying breeds mistrust. If a person lies about his age, income, desire for children, be concerned. Lying is a deal-breaker.
   

3. Talk to them on the telephone and by e-mail at least three times. Be patient. Get to know someone before you let them know where you live. Remember the movie
   Fatal Attraction
   ?
   

4. As in all dating, be careful about moving too fast. Dopamine chemicals are being pumped out fast and furious in the first few months of a relationship.
   

Falling in love can be so powerful that we ignore the potential pitfalls. Use your head and your heart when you fall in love. When emerging from the desert, be sure to take care of yourself. Pack your own canteen full of water so that you are less dependent on the oasis. Pay attention and take your time before drinking the water.

Lesson #6: Notice the warning signs in a potential new relationship—use your brain and your heart when you fall in love
.

THE BRAIN IS A SNEAKY ORGAN

Addictions, Weird Sex, Fiends, and Fetishes

“The brain is a sneaky organ.”