The Boyfriend Sessions (32 page)

My heart melted a little and we both leaned in at the same time, for a parting kiss. His lips were sweet and the kiss was tender. It was reminiscent of a dream holiday in Paris, of love and of an accepted, mutual regret.

If he was to be my last ever ex, then I was glad it was him.

“Goodbye, Benjamin.”

It struck me as odd that Max wasn’t at boot camp the next morning. Or that he didn’t text me about it.

By lunchtime, the odd feeling had morphed into concern. I’d sent Max a text straight after boot camp and was busy for the rest of the morning working on concepts and attending meetings. I’d become a phantom phone watcher. Thank God it wasn’t considered rude to bring your phone to meetings provided it was on silent.

Stomach growling hungrily, I grabbed my phone in frustration and threw it into my handbag while resisting the urge to send Max another text. I usually wasn’t the clingy sort. Max also wasn’t the sort to go quiet like this, I reasoned, as I stalked to Maddy’s office.

I’d been in such a good mood this morning. My dinner with Ben had left me with a feeling of clarity and relief. I was finally listening to my heart and wasn’t allowing my fears to dominate. Go figure that now I was ready to tell Max my feelings, he had gone incommunicado on me.

“Hey,” I announced to Maddy, sticking my head around her office door. “Have you heard from Max lately?”

She glanced up from her keyboard, her red manicured fingers continuing to tap away at the keys relentlessly. “No, why?”

“He wasn’t at boot camp this morning and I can’t seem to get hold of him,” I told her. My voice was relaxed, or at least I thought it was, but it was enough to make Maddy’s fingers pause.

“Odd. He probably got called in for an early meeting. It’s only lunchtime, so I’m sure you’ll hear from him soon.”

“Well, if he contacts you, tell him to call me.” I gave her a bright smile, but her thoughtful frown mirrored my feelings perfectly.

“Sure.”

I walked to the lift and waited for it to arrive. Maybe it was good I hadn’t seen Max that morning. I had all the restraint of a four-year-old and probably would have blurted out my news straight away. Now, having had some time for further reflection, I decided I wanted to share my feelings in my own unique way, rather than at the first opportunity.

I squeezed into the lift packed full of people and tuned out the lunchtime banter from the other occupants. I wanted to do something with my sketches, I decided. Maybe I could turn some of them into a present, a collection of images, especially for him. I already had the Super Mighty Max sketch which I hadn’t shown anyone, and I now had a feeling that it had been intended for him all along.

Just as the lift doors opened on the ground floor, I felt my phone buzz in my bag. In my eagerness, I narrowly missed elbowing another woman as we exited the lift and I sent her an apologetic look. I retrieved my phone and opened my messages.

Caught in meetings all day. Will be a late one.

I blinked at the message. The message should have put me at ease, but it didn’t. It was business speak Max, not Christa’s Mighty Max. No affection, no time for small talk.

You’re being stupid, I told myself, shoving my phone back into my bag. He’s probably in a really intense meeting and that’s the only chance he’s had to reply.

As I continued on in search of lunch, I tried to focus on my plans for my sketches. By the sound of it, I wouldn’t see Max tonight so that would give me more time to work on my gift before I saw him on the weekend.

See?
My subconscious taunted. Everything happens for a reason.

*

The sculpted figure surveyed the skyline below with a look of confident indifference. He was atop a towering skyscraper and the wind whipped at his face, while his red cape arched flamboyantly behind him. Below, the city was a patchwork of buildings of all different heights and sizes, glowing eerily in the light of the full moon. Perched on the roofs of skyscrapers were a series of otherworldly characters, their eyes fixed on my caped crusader.

I grinned like a child. I had included four of the avatars I’d developed for Max’s gaming project. It was an odd collection of characters—Mighty Max standing in the forefront of the picture in his full superhero regalia, surrounded by a motley crew, including a GI Joe lookalike and some seriously hairy alien style monsters. Every gaming man’s dream.

I was so absorbed in my make-believe world, I failed to notice Cate standing at my open door until she cleared her throat. “Christa?”

The serious look on her face had me worried. Had Dave been hassling her at work again? “Cate?”

“Maddy’s popped by. Can you join us in the lounge room for a moment?”

What was going on? This wasn’t a ‘come out and have a drink’ request, it sounded like something else. “Sure.”

I followed Cate down the hall and then stopped when I saw Maddy. Her face was pinched and her eyes avoided mine. I forced myself to go to one of the armchairs and sit down. “Maddy, what is it?”

“He saw you.”

I felt like we’d started mid-conversation and I’d missed the first five minutes. “Who saw me?” I asked carefully.

“Max. He saw you.”

“Ah no, he didn’t. I haven’t seen him for a few days. He wasn’t at boot camp this morning, remember?”

“Damn it, Christa! He saw you with Ben!” Maddy’s eyes were wild with rage as they met mine.

“Hang on. Just hang on a minute, will you?” I held up a hand to indicate she should slow down. “I don’t understand. I saw Ben on Wednesday night for dinner, are you referring to that?”

“Yes,” she hissed.

“Oh, okay.” I glanced over at Cate. “Cate was supposed to join us, but she got held up at work. I was going to tell Max, I just haven’t had a chance.” I didn’t entirely understand why she was so upset. I knew Max wouldn’t be happy about it, but I didn’t think he’d particularly care once I told him my true feelings.

“When were you going to tell him, Christa? Or were you just going to continue to string him along while you had the best of both worlds?”

I sat back in my chair wearily, confusion fogging my brain. “Best of both worlds? What on earth are you talking about?” Why couldn’t everyone just stay out of my love life?

“He saw you! Kissing Ben down at Circular Quay, and don’t you dare try to deny it or I will never speak to you again.”

“He saw that?” Now it was starting to make some sense, or partially anyway. “How did he see us? My God, he wasn’t stalking me, was he?”

“No, he wasn’t stalking you. He was finishing work late.”

Oh. Of course, that hadn’t even occurred to me. His office was just across from Circular Quay. Suddenly I had a vision of Max watching Ben and I from afar as we exchanged our bittersweet, parting kiss. Except he had no idea that’s what it was, only that I was in Ben’s arms. “Shit. He’s got it all wrong. Talk about my life being a comedy of errors.”

She narrowed her eyes at me. “I do not see how witnessing you kiss Ben should be considered funny, Christa.”

“No, it’s not funny!” I wailed. “It’s ridiculous. I was saying goodbye to Ben, that’s all.”

“And that’s how you say goodbye to every man you know?”

“No, of course not. Ben and I were saying goodbye forever, Maddy. I’d told him I’m in love with Max.”

Maddy opened her mouth to continue her rant, but then snapped it shut.

“You’re in love with Max?” Cate asked quietly, finally deeming it safe to talk.

I threw up my hands in exasperation. “Yes! I’m in love with him!” I swung around to face Maddy. “I can’t imagine my life without him, if you must know. And I’ve been wanting to tell Max that in person ever since, but I haven’t had the chance.”

“You’re in love with my brother?” Maddy repeated, her voice dull.

“Yes! He’s amazing, he’s wonderful! The whole world suddenly seems to make sense when we’re together. He believes in me, he challenges me, and you know what? I want him to, because I want to be a better person for him. When I finally shut my head down long enough for me to feel, I realized I’d never had that with anyone and I’d be crazy to put that at risk.” It was probably the most demonstrative I’d ever been about any man I’d been out with since I was sixteen, and I could tell Maddy was stunned. “Stay there, I want to show you something.”

I rushed to my room and came back seconds later with the handful of the sketches I’d been working on and threw them into her lap dramatically. “This is how I see your brother, Maddy. He’s my superhero, alright?”

She reached out and started going through my sketches. By the third or fourth, I realized her hands were shaking. “Maddy?”

I stifled a gasp as she looked up at me, her eyes pooling with tears. “I’m sorry.”

Relief flooded through me. “Don’t be silly, it was a huge misunderstanding. Obviously I just need to see Max, that’s all. Do you know if he’s home yet?”

Maddy blinked then looked down at the sketches again. Slowly, she gathered them up and placed them carefully on the coffee table. “No.”

“Oh. Well, I’ll call him then. I’d prefer to do it in person, but I need to tell him right now. I can’t believe he’s been thinking I was with Ben. That’s beyond horrible. No wonder he didn’t call me today.”

I started to leave the room to search for my phone, but felt Maddy’s hand grab my wrist tightly. Her nails dug into me like talons. “Christa.”

I turned to look at her. “What?”

“He’s not home.”

“We’ve established that—”

“He’s gone.”

Honestly. I knew I’d had a history of being dramatic, but Maddy was hot on my heels in the competitive stakes right now. “How can he be gone, Maddy?”

“He thought it was like Sarah all over again,” she said quietly, completely ignoring my question and staring at her hands.

“How is this in any way like Sarah?” I shot back in agitation.

“Think about it, Bubbles. He told you he loved you. But you had no reply. And then when he saw you with Ben, he thought you didn’t even have the decency to be honest with him.” Her eyes met mine, pleading a silent apology. “Just like her.”

I felt a wave of rage rise up and I did my best to clamp it down. I wasn’t anything like her. I vowed the night he’d told me about Sarah that I would never hurt him, but there was no point in telling Maddy about that right now.

“Where is he, Maddy?”

“He’s on a plane.”

“On a plane,” I repeated.

“Yes. To London.”

If I was a character in a movie, Max wouldn’t have left the airport yet. I’d have hopped in my car, there would have been a few action-packed scenes where I raced through the city traffic and parked my car atrociously at the airport then I would have run through the terminal, just in time to catch Max before boarding. There would have been some yelling and shouting, then protestations of undying love, before all the other people in the waiting area sighed gooey-eyed as they watched us kiss passionately, our love story complete.

But I wasn’t. I was Christa and this was my life. My messy, screwed up, real life. And somehow, I always managed to get everything wrong.

I sat motionless on our balcony, the early morning sun reflecting brilliantly off the harbor. I blinked into the blinding light, squinting until tears filled my eyes. More tears anyway.

I’d sent Max a series of text messages so that he would get them upon landing. Consistent with my luck, I’d had to wait until the morning to speak to him because Max had chosen one of the few airlines that landed in Dubai, rather than stopping over in Asia.

I’d managed to have enough patience to wait about ten minutes after the airline feed had shown that he landed and then I’d made the call.

Waited, unable to breathe, until he answered.

Now I sat numbly watching what should have been a beautiful day, the fragments of our phone conversation washing over me like shards of glass.

“Christa.”

“
Max! I’m so sorry. It’s all so horrible. I’m so sorry you thought that. I’m so sorry you saw us. Please tell me you didn’t get on that plane because of me.
”

A long silence and I could hear airport announcements in the background.

“
We were saying goodbye,
”
I continued, hurriedly.
“
That was all. I understand how it must have looked, but it wasn’t what you thought.
”

More silence. He was scaring me and I resisted the urge to ask him if he was still there because I could still hear the hum of the airport. I shut my eyes.
“
This wasn’t how I wanted to do it. I wanted to tell you in a special way, but that can wait. I love you, Max. So much. And I’m so sorry this has turned into such a huge mess because really it isn’t. I love you.
”

I heard his long release of breath.
“
So this is what it takes for you to tell me you love me?
”

“
What? No! I realized that night, that night with Ben. We were saying goodbye.
”

“
Before or after you kissed him?
”

I wanted to cry. I was so close to tears, but I had to try and stay calm.
“
Before. I told him earlier that night, over dinner that I was in love with you. We were saying goodbye. Forever.
”

“
I know what I saw.
”

God, he was so stubborn, although I supposed I did deserve his mistrust.
“
And I know what I feel, Max,
”
I persisted,
“
and I’m telling you now. Ben is gone. I want to be with you. I love you.
”

Another endless pause.
“
I’m tired, Christa.
”

“
I know. And I’m sorry. When are you coming home?
”

“
I’m not sure.
”

“
A week? A month?
”

“
More.
”

“
I could come over there.
”
The words were out of my mouth before I could stop myself. I’d have to use the money he’d just paid me for the avatar project, but I could make it work.

“
Don’t.
”

“
But—
”

“
I’m working, Christa. I’m here for work. I don’t need the distraction.
”

Distraction. His choice of words hurt, but once again I deserved it.
“
Alright. I could join you at the end and we could take a week or two together? Go somewhere in Europe?
”

“
Like to Paris?
”

The bitterness of his response twisted my heart.
“
Max, please.
”
He didn’t believe me. How could I begin to make him believe me?

“
You know what I’m thinking?
”
he said, and my heart leaped. Rome, maybe? Venice?
“
I’m wondering why it took another guy to come on the scene for you to realize how you felt about me. It forced your hand.
”

“
Max—
”

“
And I tell you what, I’ve had a lifetime of that shit. I stayed with someone for seven years who couldn’t be honest with me and look where that left me. I should have learned my lesson the first time around. If you can’t be honest from the beginning, then you never will.
”

I wanted to say something, but I couldn’t speak.

“
You’re one hell of a Mortal Kombat warrior, a great graphic designer, and you make my heart race, but it takes more than that to form a lasting relationship. I think you should take your friends’ advice, Christa.
”

“
What are you saying?
”
I finally managed.

“
You should try being single.
”

Then he hung up.

*

At first, even the minutes were hard. Each one ticked by like a life sentence and eventually one would pass and I’d realize I was still alive, but somehow I’d grown more numb. Inexplicably, the minutes turned to hours, the hours to days and finally weeks.

Max was still in England.

He wasn’t taking my calls. A week on, at Maddy’s advice, I stopped calling. He wasn’t responding anyway. I had no idea if he was even listening to my messages or just deleting them. With an empty heart, I accepted he needed his space. He needed time too, obviously.

Right now, I hated time and I needed him.

It was so ironic, it was almost funny. I could still remember those long weeks after I’d fled from Paris and Ben. They were painful and empty and upsetting, but they’d been nothing like this. This was sheer torture. The knowledge that I’d hurt someone I loved, that I’d acted so poorly, stung, but it was a pain I endured willingly. The aspect that hurt the most, that continued to bleed like a cut that refused to heal, was that I loved Max. I had cared for Ben, deeply. With Max, I couldn’t imagine life without him. Except here I was living it and it was hell.

So I told myself it was a hell I deserved.

My girlfriends were worried. I went to work. I came home. For the first few weeks that’s all I managed. I quit boot camp and couldn’t care less about exercise. Eventually, I started to sketch again, but they were dark sketches of ghoulish figures and otherworldly creatures intent on causing pain or flailing about in agony. I didn’t show them to anyone.

Maddy claimed Max wasn’t in England permanently, but it had been a month. It felt like a lifetime. And even if he did return home, I’d lost the courage to confront him anyway. He’d made no effort to contact me and Max was a man of action. His silence spoke volumes.

Tonight was just another night. Cate was out and I stared numbly at the television, only half aware of what was on. When my phone beeped, I jumped. It barely rang anymore and I could recall each of the messages I’d received in the previous weeks, they were so few.

I looked at my phone and sighed. It wasn’t going to be Max, that was for sure. Groaning, I reached over and picked it up and then opened the message. It was from Scarlett.

You’ve done enough moping. Go to Norway.

I stared at the message for a long time. Scarlett had given me my space during the last month and it wasn’t her style to comfort people, obviously. She was more of a constructive criticism type of girl.

I inhaled a shaky breath. I would always, for as long as I lived, regret the way things turned out with Max. That whole ’have no regrets’ sentiment was garbage, in my opinion. If you had no regrets, you hadn’t lived. But I was tired, so tired of feeling this ache. It felt like it cut to my very soul. I knew if I didn’t try something—anything—soon, I might suffocate altogether.

I picked up the phone again, tears stinging my eyes, my hands shaking, and hit reply. I typed only one word.

OK.