The Boy I Loved Before (30 page)

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Authors: Jenny Colgan

BOOK: The Boy I Loved Before
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‘You don't have to,' he said.
‘I don't know,' I said again.
‘You'll be fine,' he whispered.
‘Don't be long,' murmured Justin, but he already sounded as if he was drifting off into sleep.
 
 
The room looked eerily, horribly similar. Tashy was standing at the cake, her face completely fixed. She was staring at me.
‘Get on with it,' somebody shouted. She didn't move. I walked forward until I was facing her.
‘We're going to cut the cake now,' she said weirdly, as if she was announcing it on television. She was standing in front of Max, almost obscuring him in her pure dress.
‘I know,' I said, equally stiffly.
I could feel Clelland behind me, standing as if to steady me.
‘Are you ready?'
‘No.'
‘Don't,' said Tashy.
Max nudged her. ‘Erm, can we get a move on?'
I looked around. My parents were there, smiling anxiously, hopefully; at me and each other; holding hands. Tashy was standing, so beautiful and defiant. Olly was lurking sullenly in the background. And in the garden, perfect and dreaming, a boy, young and guileless, without a care or a fear in a world under a golden sky.
The two hands joined on the knife, and pressed down.
Nothing happened.
I'd expected – I don't know, a blackout. A disappearance. Maybe a blinding flash of light? Or a jump to the next morning, or something. Something.
I had done it. Instinct had taken over.
My eyes
had focused on the cake, the wish bubbling up – and I had spoken it, I must have. Stupidly, I was tempted to say, ‘I wish I was twenty-five again,' but swallowed it at the last minute. I had said, ‘I wish I was my own age again.'
Maybe that's why it had worked badly! Maybe it thought I just wanted to stay sixteen! Olly was right: I had arrested my development so completely I would be staying here for the rest of my life! Or would go round it over and over again! Or nobody would remember anything about it and I'd be confined to an insane asylum like Sarah Connor!
All this flashed through my mind as I concentrated on the two hands on the cake, cleaving it through to the bottom, and all around me there was applause, and flashbulbs went
off and people cheered. Tashy and I stared at each other, and her eyes were wide and shocked. Then I blinked, several times, and let my field of vision expand to take in the whole scene. Tashy was still in front of Max, but as they started to move, my focus shifted and became blurry. It couldn't be … it just didn't …
The person standing behind Tashy suddenly wasn't Max. It was Olly.
 
 
Tashy's face of shock widened as she realised whose hand she was clasping so hard. Then she turned round, and her mouth dropped in delight, and she shrieked and jumped up, wrapping herself around him and almost knocking his ears off. His face too was comical, his eyebrows fighting each other like quotation marks, his ears pink as a pig's.
‘You know, for such a short courtship, I never thought it would work,' I heard somebody – probably her mother – say behind me. ‘But they certainly look happy enough.'
I wanted to rush up to them, run into them, but they were clearly in a private moment of such joy and intimacy it would be sacrilege to interrupt them. All those secret meetings; discussion about me, my arse! They were falling in love! No wonder Tashy had been so tragic these last few weeks.
I grinned from side to side, then realised what this might mean. Oh God, I had to get to a
mirror.
Now. I looked down. I was wearing the same Karen Millen trouser suit I'd worn first time round. I stumbled out, hearing voices calling my name, but ignoring them so I could rush into the bathroom, breathing heavily, my heart pounding at a thousand
miles an hour. I leaned my face against the cool tiles, counted to ten and tried to will myself to look in the mirror. Oh God. Oh no.
It was me, alright, the first touch of tiny wrinkles under my eyes. I looked really tired. My teeth seemed yellower. But, in a funny way, I was so, so pleased to see myself again. This was … this was me. Not an unformed me, barely touched by life. But a me I was quite happy to see. A me who had clearly smiled a lot in life. A me who had her curls under control. I lifted up my under arm and felt it flop with a dispiriting wobble. But still: look at my nicely curved breasts, blooming up under the well-cut Karen Millen suit. I looked pretty much OK. No, I looked good. Holding up well. In fact, I felt better about the way I looked than I had for a long, long time. All that wasted energy, thinking that if I was old again, I'd be a complete hag.
My heart plummeted suddenly. Oh God, my poor mother. I had offered my mother the chance of happiness then dragged it away from her. I blinked back the tears from my eyes. But that wasn't my world to live in, was it? Was it? I would be so, so good to her now …
‘Flora?' It was my mother's voice.
‘Yes?'
‘Nothing, you just looked a bit sick there, and your dad and me wondered if you were alright.'
She came into the bathroom. I stared and stared. Was this my mum? She was older again too, but not in the same way; not a bit of it. Her hair was nice and set, and she was trim and shapely-looking, not horribly bent over and skinny. She was wearing her wedding ring.
‘MUM!' I burst into tears and flung my arms around her neck.
‘There, there,' she said. ‘You've done so well, pretending you don't mind your best friend marrying your ex-boyfriend, but I know there must be some strain, eventually …'
‘I really don't mind,' I said honestly. ‘I'm chuffed for them, I really am.'
‘Don't worry,' she said. ‘It'll be your turn next.'
‘You always say that,' I said.
‘Well, me and your dad, we always want the best for you. Come on out, he'll be worried about you, and we don't want to worry him, do we?'
‘No,' I said. I let her guide me out of the bathroom like a small child.
‘Hey, pet,' said my dad, looking more rotund and jovial than ever. ‘Here's my two most beautiful girls, eh?'
My mother mock slapped him down.
They were interrupted by Olly coming up and grabbing me in a huge bear hug.
‘You,' he said in my ear, his voice choking with emotion, ‘are the best wolverine in the whole world.'
‘Yeah, yeah,' I said.
‘You're not pissed off with us? Not that …I mean, I really didn't know this was going to happen.'
I grinned so wildly my face hurt. ‘It's been that kind of month. Twice. Oh, Olly, I'm so chuffed. I'm so … I had no idea you two were in love.'
‘That's because you were a self-obsessed teenage idiot,' said Olly.
‘Oh, yeah.'
‘And I'm the luckiest man on earth,' said Olly. Then he
hugged my mother. ‘Mrs Scurrison, you are gorgeous as ever.'
‘Get away with you,' said my mother. ‘And you be as good to that young lady as you were to Flora, now, do you hear?'
We all sobered up a little at that.
‘I'll try,' said Olly.
‘You'll succeed,' I said.
‘Go see her,' said Ol. ‘She's in floods of tears, eating cake. Um, happy tears.'
‘She hasn't eaten for six months,' I said. ‘The cake probably got to her just in time.'
‘Go.'
‘Just a minute,' I said. ‘There's someone I have to see.'
As I left, I could hear Oliver announcing to the crowd, ‘My wife and I …'
As inconspicuously as I could, I left through the French windows. And there he was, still lying asleep in the grass by the fountain. Still beautiful and, gosh, so young. He stirred as my shadow fell upon him.
‘Er, yeah?' he said, springing awake and jumping up. ‘Uh, sorry, have I missed something? Just dozed off for a second …'
Fully standing, he stared at me. I don't know what I expected. Well, I did. But just for a second I thought he might …
He looked as if he almost did.
‘Sorry, you look really familiar to me.'
Of course, he'd said that before. He'd guess in a minute.
‘Maybe you were having a dream,' I said.
‘Huh.' He shook down his new blue suit. ‘It was a nice dream.' He coloured slightly.
‘How nice?' I asked.
‘Um, er. Hi there.' He stuck out his hand. ‘I'm Justin Clelland.'
I nearly laughed. To keep from crying.
‘I know,' I said. ‘I'm Flora Scurrison.' I paused. ‘I'm a friend of your brother's.'
His brow furrowed. ‘That sounds familiar. Didn't you used to live near us?'
‘Something like that,' I said.
‘Well, nice to meet you.'
‘Yes,' I said, swallowing hard. Then, there was a gentle touch on my shoulder, as the fountain tippled away endlessly, round and round for ever, in front of me.
 
 
‘You know,' said the low voice behind me, rather similar to the one in front of me. ‘You haven't changed a bit.'
 
 
I looked up at him, his wonderfully familiar face looking into mine, and felt a huge rush of relief.
‘Justin, scrammify,' said Clelland over my shoulder.
‘Yawn yawn yawn,' said Justin, and wandered off, muttering about not wanting to spend time with a couple of oldies anyway. I watched him go.
‘God, he seems such a baby!' I said. Then, just at the last minute, he whipped round and stared at me. His face was a picture: quizzical and delighted. He stared at me. Then he raised an eyebrow. I winked at him. He stared for one more second then walked on, shaking his head in confusion. He knew.
‘So were you.'
‘Oh, yeah.' I felt myself blushing, and smiling.
He put his hand up to my face, then retracted it, as if it would be too intimate.
‘It's OK,' I said.
‘It's just … it's so incredibly weird. Really, I haven't seen you for sixteen years. Are you
taller?'
‘I can't believe you never ever contacted me. Not once, after all that time.'
He shook his head. ‘Me neither. Life …'
‘And … Jeez, things have changed.'
We started to walk away from the fountain, away from the formal garden.
‘Have you spoken to the bride and groom?' I asked.
‘They are the happiest people in the history of the world. I think we're agreeing to keep the whole thing quiet.'
‘I think that's a good idea. Where's Max?'
‘Oh, he's at home. Tashy phoned him, just to check. Says some really young girl picked up the phone, so she reckons he's getting over it.'
‘And it goes on,' I said.
‘What about you?' he said. ‘Have you changed?'
‘Apart from the crow's-feet and the rather nifty trouser suit?'
‘Yeah,' he said. ‘No, I mean, in yourself. Everyone else has.'
‘Have you?'
‘Oh, yeah. No, not really. But I was practically perfect to begin with.'
‘Hmm. But I don't know.'
‘Check your wallet.'
‘Why?'
‘I don't know, but Tashy's had a picture of Olly where Max's used to be.'
‘Yeah, but I bet she's had that for ages.'
Nonetheless, I pulled it out of my small bag – with, bliss of blisses, my house keys and my credit card. Oh, I could never have dreamed of being so happy to see plastic and metal.
‘What's this?' I said suddenly, loudly, drawing a card out of my wallet. I held it up to the light. ‘Fuck! Clell, it says I'm a nut!'
On the card, it did, in big black letters. N.U.T.
Oh God. Was this a mental hospital? Had I dreamed the whole thing? Was I having psychotic episodes? Was Clelland my doctor? I mean, what had happened … it was impossible. Maybe I was in maximum security. Maybe …
‘Calm down,' said Clelland, examining it, and seeing what was going through my head. ‘You're not a nut.'
‘Are you sure? Maybe I'm babbling right now.'
‘You are. And just wait till you see this.' He handed it over. ‘Look at it carefully.'
I did. Clelland was eyeing me closely, waiting for my reaction. It started the birds from the trees.
‘National Union of TEACHERS!!!!'
He started laughing.
‘I'm a TEACHER!!!!??????'
‘Beats accountancy, for sure.'
‘I'm a TEACHER!!!!????'
‘Oh, come on, think of the holidays.'
He felt for my hand and took it as we strolled in amongst the trees.
‘I'd better be a fucking art teacher.'
He giggled. ‘You'd better stop flirting with your charges.'
‘Fuck!!'
My phone rang. The ringtone was ‘Colourblind'.
‘I think you've got one of your student's phones.'
‘I think not,' I said, promptly switching it off. ‘He's a doctor and a Persian king, you know. Good mix.'
He smiled. ‘Well, beats an old charity worker like me.'
‘Who's old?' I said.
I glanced behind us into the twilight. The entire wedding party, it seemed, were out looking for us. Tashy's gown was catching the last rays of the light of the Indian summer evening. I could see Justin in the distance. He was chasing Kathleen, Tash's little niece, obviously restored to brides-maiding duties in the lovely empire dress, through a meadow. Their screams of laughter reached us. I smiled at him and suddenly felt peaceful. I'd spent all this time being torn in two, between two lives, between two worlds, between two sets of people, between family and friends.

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