The Boy I Loved Before (12 page)

Authors: Jenny Colgan

BOOK: The Boy I Loved Before

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I felt perversely guilty and sneaky about this. I was sneaking on a teenager's privacy â the most precious thing to them. She would be horrified, totally horrified and mortified if she knew a complete stranger was going to look at her secret things. Even if the complete stranger was me.

I fiddled about at the bottom of the pink fluffy bag and, sure enough, there was a tiny key there. Feeling guilty, and with my heart thumping quite loudly, I turned the lock.

There was a miniature bottle of peach schnapps (which I drank immediately, of course, gagging slightly at the cloying sweetness), some cigarette papers, a couple of pictures of men with their shirts off â foxy â a copy of
Fanny Hill
(I smiled ironically to myself), and, oh God. Yes. What I had probably been subconsciously looking for all the time.

I drew it out. It was rather nice, actually, a plain, lined book with a silk cover that looked like a big investment of my Co-op money.

My Diary.

I had actually burned my own 1980s version of this little beauty some years before when I realised that, in fact, when I was an old lady sitting in a home I probably wouldn't be that fascinated by reading who had annoyed me particularly that week, and if I couldn't remember a person's name ten years after the event, I'd be very unlikely to do so in my brief periods of geriatric lucidity. There also seemed less and less point in hoarding it for grateful biographers from the British Library.

More than that, though, I didn't like seeing the lonely and confused little girl I was. I know all teenagers are lonely and confused, to greater or lesser extents, but surely a point of being an adult is that we get to dump that entire thing, like a snake shedding its skin, and escape into a world of lasting friendships, real fun, a lifting of the terrible, everlasting self-consciousness that weighs on your shoulders every single second of every single day. I didn't want to read about a girl who didn't know she could be happy. I didn't want to
read about a girl who painted castles in the air, who didn't know what the world could bring, who planned the wedding that was currently driving Tashy crazy.

And everything did get better, of course it did. In the shape of a degree, and a nice little car, and a flat, and a nice boyfriend. She got all of these things. I'm just not sure that's what she meant, or thought that's how they would feel.

And here I was
again.
I lay down on my purple eiderdown and cringed. You know, I didn't think I'd changed so much. I looked at my soft, lily-white hands. That wasn't how I expected my hands to look. They wouldn't have chipped black polish on them, for a start. But as I forced myself to read the book, I forced myself to realise the truth, however weird it was.

This girl was me, all right. Unbearably, unreadably so at some points.

âFallon is a big WITCH. She thinks she's so brilliant but I think she's probably a VERY UNHAPPY PERSON who thinks sending round notes about Somebody else's feelings is funny, which means she is probably SICK.'

Yeah. Oh, no, please, what was this?

âI think I'm in love with Ethan. I can hardly say it out loud, it makes me feel so strange. But I really do think I love him. I think this might be it. And he looked at me at least three times yesterday.'

Oh, fuck a doo, surely not. These bloody lads. In two years' time they'd be DROOLING over us at university, and at the moment they were too busy playing top trumps to even think of including someone â¦ OK, I was not going to have my feelings hurt by someone I had never set eyes on. Let me see â¦

There was an incomprehensible scrawl that seemed to indicate Constanzia and I had drunk two bottles of her father's wine as an experiment and passed out. I had stopped dotting my i's with circles only a year before. And the more I flipped back and forth in the book for it, the more I realised the truth. It had been true then, and it was true now.

I was still a virgin. Of course I was. I'd just turned sixteen. It's just â at this I got a sudden twinge, I didn't know why. It was very peculiar. Being a virgin wasn't something I'd thought of as a state for so long, or at any rate as something to kick against as a prerequisite in women in geopolitical terms.

As soon as I left home â the increasingly sad, inward-looking place home had become after Dad's departure â I'd got rid of it as quick as was humanly possible. It was sore, fumbly, damp and embarrassing.

Things had gradually improved, of course, and it's rarely a romantic highspot for anyone, but I could feel the hopes and dreams tied up in this book, my blank slate, and hugged it thoughtfully to my tiny chest.

âYou don't even know,' I whispered to it. âWell, don't accept any invites to any college balls willy-nilly.'

âIt was really nice kissing Felix at the s.p. We kissed for four hours and twenty-eight minutes.'

OK, this was from last year, but still, I was quite impressed by that. When had I last snogged for any time at all? I couldn't remember. I mean, Olly and I kissed, didn't we? Well, on the lips when we saw each other, which wasn't quite snogging, and in bed, I guess, but that wasn't quite snogging either.

But it's a teenage trait, really, isn't it? That's why they're always catching glandular fever.

âI hate working in the Co-op. Mrs Bentall is a complete b***h. It's so unfair. Stanzi just gets money off her mum and dad and a clothing allowance. It's not fair. If Dad was ever in I might get a clothing allowance.'

Oh, gosh, a whiner. I looked down at the grumpy life I was holding in my hands. This girl was on the same trajectory as I was.

My phone bleeped. I leaped on it. It was a text.

âWorld fucked up,' it said. Thank goodness Tashy had never learned text language either. âWill pick up tomorrow for escape bid.'

Chapter Six

Thank God for Tash. I couldn't sleep. I eventually curled up in a ball in the bed when I heard the
Newsnight
music downstairs, and had jerked awake all night, clutching the stupid diary. I'd texted Tash at as near first light as I could manage, and met her round the corner, in traditional teenager sneaking-out way. I'd just have to resign from the Co-op; Mum never went there anyway. She thought it was the supermarket of communist Russia.

Tashy was sitting at the wheel of her little Audi. She raised her eyebrows at me and I realised that perhaps the miniskirt/striped jersey ensemble I'd pulled out the cupboard might be a bit much for a Saturday morning.

âWhat?' I said crossly, even though I was so relieved she was there I could have burst.

âNothing,' she said as I got in. âYou're just so tiny. Let me fiddle with your upper arms a second.'

âLEAVE it.'

She pushed up the skin under my eyes with a finger.
âThere you go, see. That's what you're going to look like in sixteen years' time. Fuck, you have so long.'

I studied myself in the car window as she reversed from the kerb. It's true, my skin, where it wasn't breaking out, had a definite bloom on it. But I also looked less like myself. You couldn't really tell from my appearance what I was like. A blank slate, of course. My face hadn't quite settled.

âYou know, I've been eating nothing but bloody steamed fish for six months and I still look nothing like you.'

âYou look great,' I said, with the reflex action you have with your best friends.

âSo I bloody should,' she said dreamily. âHow do I look on the day?'

âOh, one must not know one's own future,' I said. âIt is forbidden.'

âIs Max's speech funny?'

âYes,' I lied. âUm, how is Max?'

âWell,' she looked worried suddenly, âI said, “You'll never believe what's happened to Flo.”'

âUh-huh?'

She concentrated on the road ahead. âWell â¦' she said.

âWhat?'

âHere's the thing, Flo. He's never heard of you.'

âHe's never what?'

âHe had no idea who I was talking about.'

The terrible crushing fear came back.

âOh God,' I said. âOh God, I don't exist. In this world, or the old world, or the â¦ what the
fuck
is going on? Who am I? I don't â¦ how will I be able to do anything or get back or â¦ I'm no one!' I started to hyperventilate.

She clutched my arm. âYou do.'

âBut â¦ not for Max, not for bloody old Karl Dean, not for Miss Syzlack, even though â¦ I mean, she knows someone else altogether.'

âI'm sure there's a rational explanation.'

âLOOK at me!'

âOK maybe not rational exactly.'

I gulped suddenly. âOh my God, what about Olly?'

âI wondered when you were going to mention him,' said Tash quietly. âHe must be worried sick.'

âWell, where are we going now?'

âYou'll see.'

âYou've invented a person-ageing machine?'

âYes, I call it “management accounting exams”.'

âHa-ha.'

We parked near the centre of town and walked up across Piccadilly, down the steps and over to beautiful St James's Park. It was a lovely autumn morning, not wet, just a faint mist rising off the lake and through the trees. Apart from the usual complement of manic joggers, there weren't many people around at all.

âLet's go feed the ducks,' said Tashy meaningfully, taking some bread out of her pockets.

âI'm sixteen, not six.'

âCome on.'

âYou've set me up for MI6,' I said, suddenly panicking. âYou're going to sell me to the military, aren't you, so they can run all sorts of tests on me and work out how to use me as a weapon?'

âYes, that's what friends do,' said Tash snidely.

âWe're near Whitehall! Experiments! Don't do it, Tash. What if I get kidnapped by a cosmetics company?'

âSsh. Ssh. Stop being paranoid,' said Tash, indicating a tall figure walking towards us through the trees.

âI have every fucking right to be paranoid.'

âIt must be your hormones.'

âHormones they're going to extract with an enormous probe! Oh shit.'

The figure resolved itself through the trees. It was Olly.

He stopped dead still about six feet away from us.

âJesus God,' he said, staring at me.

âHe knows me!' I exclaimed. Why some people did and some people didn't, I hadn't the faintest idea. I hadn't realised the extent of my terror until then, and it had left me weak with relief and gratitude. âYou know me!'

Tash had already gone to meet him and was holding his arm. âSorry,' said Tashy. âI didn't quite know how to explain it over the phone.'

âClearly.' Olly sounded hoarse. âWhat â¦
WHAT?'
His head hit his hands. âI don't get it. What?'

I stared at him. He looked tired and â God, I admit it â after staring at myself in the mirror far too much over the last two days, I thought he looked old. He looked like my dad.

âHe remembered you all right,' said Tashy to me, to cover the silence. Olly was shaking. âApparently your phone's been out of commission.'

âYeah, in the netherworld,' I said.

âFrom Tashy's voice I thought you were pregnant,' said Olly incredulously, his voice cracking. âOr you'd had a really traumatic haircut. What
happened
to you?' He came forward and stood in front of me. I looked into his eyes. He shook his head. âLook at you,' he said quietly. Then he put out his
hand and touched me in a curious prodding motion, as if I was a specimen in a laboratory.

âWell â¦' I began. Then I told him everything, excluding the bits about my worries about him, and meeting Clelland again, so it didn't take long.

Olly listened extremely carefully in complete silence, so he could bring his rational lawyer's mind fully to bear on it, but still occasionally shaking his head in incredulity. Then he stood in silence for a very long time, staring out on the water. He finally turned to me and looked straight into my eyes. He swallowed one last time. I rubbed my skinny limbs nervously.

âYou â¦ you wanted to wish your life away?'

âOr back.' I shrugged.

He hung his head. âHow unhappy with me
were
you?'

I hadn't expected that at all. I looked at his face and felt completely dreadful. We were, after all, only a month away from him going down on bended knee, and he must at least have been considering it. So I did the best thing I could think of under the circumstances. Lied.

âDon't be silly, darling. This wasn't about you. I was just idly speculating, that was all, and this crazy thing happened.' I tried to make it sound light and not so much of a problem.

âGod, I can't â¦ you have to see yourself say that, you really do. Do you know you have purple in your hair?'

I nodded.

âAnyway, I thought you said you wished out loud.'

âHardly. It was just a passing thought â¦'

âJust as well you weren't thinking about big monsters,' said Tashy.

âNo, that was
Ghostbusters,'
I said. âI think this is more
Peggy Sue Got Married.'

Olly couldn't stop staring at me. âSo, have you seen into the future too?'

âNo, I've just lived it already. And only a month of it.'

He frowned. âDo you remember how the market closes?'

âI can't even remember what was number one. I've tried this already.'

âWe have,' said Tashy. âBut my wedding is on a nice day and I fit into my dress. Ooh, I think I can have a cake.' I loved her for trying to lift our spirits with a bit of jollity. And I hated what I was about to say.

âI'm not sure you can,' I said. âI'm here now. That might change everything. But you recognise me, and Max doesn't, and my parents are all young and weird, and I don't know what the hell's going on and what I can change or not change. I don't understand it at all.'

âOh,' Tashy looked defeated, âOK. No cake then.'

Olly stepped up to me and took my shoulders. âMy God, you're shorter too,' he said sadly.

âI know,' I said. âBut, on the plus side, my tits are further off the ground.'

He looked at me, his eyes wary. âWell, um, this is a shock. Shall we â¦ shall we head for home?'

âUm,' I said.

âOh God.' He jumped back. âAre you even legal? Am I a paedophile? Fuck.'

âIt's not that,' I said. Poor Olly, terrified of accidentally touching up his own girlfriend. What a mess. âAnyway, I'm sixteen.'

âOK, good.' He thought for a second. âBetter than good, actually.'

âI can't,' I said. âI have to stay at home with my parents. And they'll go nuts if I stay out all night.'

âOh. Right. Can't you tell them you're staying at Tashy's?'

âIt's amazing how quickly everyone remembers their teenage guile. Anyway, no, I can't, because Tashy's a big scary adult woman, and anyway, I'm grounded.'

âReally?' He started to laugh. âYou're grounded. This is fucking
nuts.'

âIt's not funny.'

âI know. It's nuts! Would you like me to buy you an ice cream to make up for it?'

âDo you fancy me more now?' I asked. Despite everything, insecurity was creeping in.

âOlly,' ordered Tashy.
âNever
answer that question.'

âOK.' Olly decided that, after all, we would have an ice cream. Ice cream was one of his major food groups. We followed him over to the van.

âAnd a flake for the little lady,' he was saying.

Tashy looked at me. âI think he's taking it rather well.'

âRather too well,' I said. âI don't want him getting boners for teens.'

âOh, come on. You watch TV. It trains them like beagles.'

âHmm,' I said.

âI wasn't serious about Jamie Theakston. Were you?'

âWell, I find his dungeon proclivities a little overwhelming for my untouched body, but I'm not automatically ruling out any of the boy bands.'

âBe serious. What about when you get back?'

I didn't say anything.

Olly returned, bearing 99s.

âSo,' he said, âwhen are you going to get back to us?'

âWell, assuming I want to come back,' I said musingly.

I surprised even myself.

âStudent grants,' Tashy was saying earnestly. We'd repaired to the ICA. âSweaters with big holes in the sleeves. Living off one pot of chilli for an entire week.'

âFinals,' said Olly.

âSitting your driving test. Which, by the way, they've made much, much harder.'

âThe Co-op.'

âOther idiotic young people all around you.'

âHigh hopes being dashed all over again.'

âMiddle-class students exploring socialism over long boring conversations.'

âTrying to get on the London property ladder.'

âMiddle-class students telling you all about how their gap year in India really changed their life.'

âHaving to dance in public.'

âSmoking dope again.'

âA LEVELS!!!'

âOK, OK,' I said. âLook, it just came out. A possibility. I know it would be awful.'