The Book of Fate (26 page)

As I had expected, Mother was surprised by our unannounced visit. All the way there, I had thought about what I should tell her and what excuse I should offer for wanting to stay the night. The moment we walked in, she said, ‘God willing, it is good news. What brings you here? And with luggage?'

‘Hamid has a men's gathering,' I explained. ‘Some of his friends and the printing house employees are coming over. He said they would all be more comfortable if I'm not there. And a few of them are coming from the provinces and staying for a few days. Hamid said I shouldn't go back as long as they are there. He will come and pick us up after they leave.'

‘Really?' Mother said. ‘I didn't know Hamid Agha is so honour-bound that he doesn't want his wife in the house when unfamiliar men are present!'

‘Well, when men get together they want to feel free and talk about things they can't discuss in front of women. Besides, I have a few lengths of fabric and I have been meaning to ask Faati to make a dress for me; this will be the perfect opportunity.'

 

My stay at Father's house lasted three days and two nights. Although I was worried, I still had a pleasant time. Mrs Parvin made an elegant shirt and skirt for me and Faati made two floral house dresses. We talked and laughed. Mother, who had returned from Qum a week earlier, had plenty of fresh news about the family, our old neighbours and acquaintances. I found out that Mahboubeh had a daughter and was pregnant with her second child.

‘This one is probably a girl, too,' Mother said. ‘I can tell by the way she looks and acts. You can't believe how jealous they all were when I talked about your sons and Mahmoud's sons. And Mahboubeh's daughter looks just like Mahboubeh when she was that age, pale and plain.'

‘Oh, Mother!' I chided. ‘Mahboubeh was adorable when she was young; remember those blonde ringlets! And in this day and age there is no difference between sons and daughters for them to be jealous because Mahmoud and I have boys.'

‘What do you mean there is no difference? This is so typical of you; you don't value what you have. In any case, they were as arrogant as you can imagine. Now that they are rich, they put on such airs that I wouldn't be surprised if they give fancy names to the lice that crawl on them! They almost burst with envy when I told them about Mahmoud Agha's success and the money he makes.'

‘Come on, Mother. Why would they be jealous? You just said they are very rich.'

‘True, but they still can't stand the sight of us; they want us to go without. By the way, your aunt was saying that Mahboubeh's husband wanted to take her on a trip to the West this year, but Mahboubeh didn't want to go.'

‘Why? What an idiot!'

‘Not at all. Why would she want to go? Over there everything is impure. How would she say her prayers? By the way, you should know that Ehteram-Sadat's uncle has been arrested. Mahmoud is very upset. He is afraid it might be bad for business.'

‘What? Who arrested him?'

‘It's obvious! The secret police… it seems he gave a talk at the mosque.'

‘Are you serious? Bravo! I didn't think he was that brave. When did they take him?'

‘It has been a couple of weeks. They say they are tearing his flesh into tiny pieces with a pair of tweezers.'

A chill ran up my spine and I thought, God have mercy on Hamid.

 

Late in the afternoon on the third day, Hamid came to pick us up in a yellow Citroën 2CV. The boys were excited to see him and the car. Unlike other times, Hamid was not in a hurry for us to leave. He sat with Father on the wooden bed out in the yard and they drank tea and talked.

While saying our goodbyes, Father said, ‘Thank God, my mind is at ease. I thought perhaps you two had had a fight, God forbid. I was worried. But I have to say, I really enjoyed these three days. Seeing you all in this house restored my soul.'

Father wasn't in the habit of saying such things. His words deeply moved me. On the drive back home, I gave Hamid the news about my relatives, especially about Ehteram-Sadat's uncle having been arrested.

‘The damned SAVAK has got so strong,' he said. ‘They are going after all the organisations.'

Not wanting the conversation to continue in front of Siamak, I said, ‘Where did you get the car?'

‘For now, it's mine to use. We have to purge a few locations.'

‘Then, please start with your own home.'

‘It's all done. I'm not worried about the house any more. I was really nervous… If they had raided the house, we would have all been tagged for execution.'

‘For the love of God, Hamid! Have pity on these innocent children.'

‘I have taken every possible precaution. For the time being, our house is the only safe site.'

Although the car's engine was loud and we were whispering, I noticed Siamak listening intently.

‘Sh! The kids…'

Hamid turned and glanced at Siamak, then smiled and said, ‘He is not a kid any more. He is a man. He is going to take care of you when I'm away.'

There was a glint in Siamak's eyes; his entire being had swelled with pride.

As soon as we arrived home, I went down to the cellar. There was no sign of the padlock on the door and there was nothing in the back room other than ordinary household odds and ends. I thought to myself, Tomorrow morning I must do a thorough inspection, just in case they have left something behind.

Siamak was constantly following Hamid around. He wouldn't even let me give him a bath.

‘I am a man,' he said. ‘I will take a bath with Dad.'

Hamid and I looked at each other and laughed. The two of them took a bath after Massoud and me. Their voices echoed in the bathroom and I could hear some of what they were talking about. It was so pleasant. Although Hamid had spent little time with us, the father and son had a deeply intimate relationship.

 

Hamid was very busy for several days, but then he started spending much of his free time at home. It seemed he had nowhere to go and there was no sign of his friends. Like all men, he spent his days at work and his evenings at home. He was getting bored and frustrated. I took advantage of the opportunity and often asked him to take the boys to the park or out for a walk – something he had never done. I think those were the best days of my children's lives. The experience of having a father and a mother and a normal life, which for other children was not something extraordinary or something to be especially grateful for, meant the world to them, and to me. Gradually, I became so bold that one day I even suggested we go on a trip for a few days.

‘Let's go to the Caspian coast,' I said, ‘like we did the year Siamak was born.'

Hamid looked at me gravely and said, ‘No, we can't. I'm waiting for news. I have to be either at home or at the printing house.'

‘Just for two days,' I insisted. ‘It's been two months and there has been no news, and schools open next week. Let the kids have some fond memories. Let them at least go on one trip with their parents.'

The boys clung to him. Massoud begged Hamid to take us on a trip, even though he didn't know what a trip was. Siamak didn't say anything, but he held Hamid's hand and looked at him with hope-filled eyes. I knew that look would weaken Hamid's resolve.

‘Did you know Mansoureh's husband has bought a villa on the Caspian coast?' I persisted. ‘Mansoureh is always telling me that everyone has gone and stayed there except us. If you want, we can take your parents with us. After all, they deserve it, too. They dream of going on a short trip with their son. And we can drive there.'

‘No, the car isn't sturdy enough for the Chalous road!'

‘Then we will take the Haraz road. You said the car is new; why wouldn't it be sturdy enough? We will drive slowly.'

The children were still pleading with him, but it was all over when Siamak kissed Hamid's hand. We had won.

Hamid's parents didn't join us, but they were happy to see that after all these years we were going on a family trip. Mansoureh was already up north. She spoke on the telephone with Hamid and happily gave him the address. And finally, we set off.

 

Leaving the city, we felt as though we were stepping into a different world. The children were so mesmerised by the mountains, valleys and meadows that for a long time they each remained glued to a window and didn't make a sound. Hamid was humming a song and I was singing along with him. My heart was brimming with joy. I said the prayer that is customarily recited prior to travelling and I asked God not to take away the good fortune of our being together. The car struggled up the steep inclines, but it didn't matter. I wanted that trip to last for ever.

I had made meat cutlets for lunch. We stopped in a scenic area and ate. The children chased after each other and I relished the sound of their laughter.

‘It's strange,' I said. ‘Siamak's behaviour has changed so dramatically. Have you noticed how calm he is? He has become obedient and pleasant. I can't remember the last time I scolded him, while in the past, not a day would go by without us having a big fight.'

‘I really don't understand what your problem is with this child,' Hamid said. ‘To me he is a wonderful boy. I think I understand him better than you do.'

‘No, my dear. You only see the way he is when you are at home. His personality is completely different when you are not there. He is worlds apart from the boy you have seen every day for the past two months. You are like a sedative for him, a tranquilliser.'

‘Ugh… don't say that! No one should be that dependent on me.'

‘But a lot of people are,' I said. ‘It isn't something you can control.'

‘Even the thought of it bothers me and makes me feel anxious.'

‘Well, let's not dwell on it. We won't talk about it, we will just enjoy the beautiful days we have together.'

 

Mansoureh had prepared an airy room with a view of the sea for us. With her there, Hamid couldn't move his bedding to a different room and had to sleep next to me. We were all enjoying the sun and the sea. I wanted to get sunburned. I left my hair down and wore the colourful open-necked dresses I had recently made for myself. I wanted to again attract Hamid's admiring looks. I wanted his affection and attention. On the third night, he finally caved in, broke his years-old promise and took me in his arms.

That memorable trip brought us closer together than ever before. I knew Hamid expected more of me than just being a housewife. I read as much as I could and started discussing with him what I had learned from his books over the years. I tried to fill the empty place of his friends by sharing ideas and talking about social and political issues. Little by little, he realised that I, too, had an awareness of politics and societal issues, and he even came to appreciate my intelligence and good memory. To him, I was no longer a backward child or uneducated woman.

One day when I recited a section of a book he had forgotten, he said, ‘It is such a shame that with all your talent you didn't pursue your education. Why don't you take the university entrance exams? I am sure if you continue studying you will make huge progress.'

‘I don't think I will pass the exams,' I said. ‘My English is poor. And besides, what would I do with the children if I were to go to university?'

‘The same thing you did when you were preparing for your school diploma. What's more, the children are older now and you have more time to yourself. Take English classes, or, better yet, enrol in the preparatory classes for the university entrance exams. You can do anything you want.'

 

After eight years, I was finally experiencing a real family life and I was savouring every pleasant moment of it. That autumn I took advantage of Hamid being at home in the afternoons and I signed up for the preparatory classes. I didn't know how long his circumstances would stay the same, but I tried to take full advantage of those precious days. I kept telling myself that their group had disbanded and that we could live as a real family for ever. Hamid was still constantly nervous, waiting for a telephone call, but I thought that, too, would soon end.

I still knew nothing about their organisation. Once, in the middle of a discussion, I asked him about it. ‘No, don't ask about the guys and our activities,' he said. ‘It's not that I don't trust you or that you wouldn't understand, it's simply that the less you know the safer you are.'

I never again expressed any curiosity about their group.

 

Autumn and winter passed quietly. Hamid's schedule gradually took on a different rhythm. Once a week or once every two weeks, telephone calls would be exchanged and he would disappear for a day or two. In the spring, he assured me that the danger had passed, that none of the members of his group could be traced, and that almost all of them had relocated to safe houses.

‘You mean, all this time they were practically homeless?' I asked.

‘No,' he said. ‘They were on the run. After those early arrests, a lot of addresses were discovered and many were forced to abandon their homes.'

‘Even Shahrzad and Mehdi abandoned their home?'

‘They were among the first. They lost everything they had. All they had time to do was to save the records and documents.'

‘Did they have many things?'

‘Oh, Shahrzad's family had given her so much in dowry that you could furnish two homes with it. Of course, over time she had given away many things, but there was still a lot left.'

‘After they left their home, where did they go, what did they do?'

‘Slow down! Don't get into details and serious subjects.'

 

During the spring and summer, Hamid went on a few extended trips. He was in good spirits and I was careful to not let anyone find out about his absences. Meanwhile, I was studying hard and getting ready for the university entrance exams. As much as my passing the exams made Hamid and me happy, it took our families by surprise. Their reactions were all very different.