The Bonding (11 page)

“But they'll never be able to separate,” Kyla protested. “Attempting to break it would probably kill them both.”

“I don't want to try to separate.” Kiri said stubbornly, “I love Davin. The idea of being bound to him for life sounds wonderful. Now then, I have told you and demonstrated to you that Davin is innocent of doing any wrong against me. You told me I could have a reward for saving your people from the monsters. What I want is Davin released from prison and all charges against him dropped.”

“I move to grant the lady Kiri's request.” Dalwyn said.

“I oppose it.” Kyla said stubbornly, “We have not determined she is free of any magical manipulation, only that she believes she is. I will not vote to release him unless she undergoes a full scan of her body and memories, to be sure there is nothing there that is influencing her.”

“That does seem prudent,” Joran agreed.

Miranda nodded.

Kiri narrowed her eyes. “So, I am to let you scan my most intimate memories in search of what is not there? That sounds like the violation to me. You are all a bunch of voyeurs. But to spare Davin going to prison, I will submit.”

Kyla stepped forward, but Kiri waved her away. “I will not allow you to do it. I don't trust your impartiality.”

Kyla scowled. “Dalwyn may not do it either. He likes Davin too much to be trustworthy.”

“May I request Joran?” Kiri asked, “He is the most neutral one here.”

“Agreed,” Miranda said. “Lie on the bench, Kiri. We will try to make this as painless as possible.”

“It will be no such thing,” Kiri said grimly, “you are going to make me relive the worst moments of my life with all of you watching. Please just get it over with.”

In the end, the scan took several hours. Searching her body for magical manipulation turned out to be a relatively quick process, and of course, none was found. The scan of her memories, however, was an endless and excruciating process. They searched her entire childhood, looked deeply into the events surrounding the rape, her trial and her punishment, peered into the years during which she served as Eliada's slave, and finally arriving at her meeting with Davin. They scrutinized Davin's brief but romantic courtship, the bonding ceremony, the passionate night they spent, the battle, and the two weeks in the hospital, the magic classes, the lie that had separated Kiri from the man she loved. Finally, when they arrived at her visit to Jaya in the hospital, the whole group of them drew back in astonishment at the news of Kiri's pregnancy.

“I am satisfied,” Dalwyn said.

“As am I,” Joran seconded.

“Yes.” Miranda agreed, “There is nothing to prosecute here.”

They all turned to Kyla. “Well, did you not want me to do my job thoroughly? Fine, there's nothing there. Release him.”

Kiri sagged with relief. The difficult task of convincing the council was completed. But now she would have to face the even more difficult task of apologizing to Davin for her terrible mistake.

Davin had arrived at his apartment thoroughly bewildered. He had been sure he was about to be sentenced to years in prison, when abruptly an anonymous guard told him the charges had been dropped and he was free to go. There had been no further explanation offered, and Davin had felt it was better not to ask. Not that being freed made much of a difference. Life just wasn't the same anymore. He felt old, tired, and just sad. Now, the next morning, he lounged in one of his comfortable armchairs, sipping a cup of coffee and trying not to think. It wasn't working. He hoped to go back to work soon. The distraction would be very welcome.

Someone knocked at the door.
Damn it, I don't want anyone
. After Kiri's unexpected disappearance from his life, he had gone to Jaya, who had comforted him as best she could, but she seemed to have the idea that Kiri was beneath contempt, and he was better off without her. She couldn't understand why he continued to have mixed feelings –tenderness blended with his anger and confusion – and why he was not able to let go of his feelings towards the girl who had hurt him so badly. When his own men had come, apologetically, to arrest him, he had put up no resistance, nor had he done much to defend himself at his trial. He had simply told the elders over and over he had never wanted to hurt Kiri, he loved her, and had only used her magic the one time to save her. Other than that, every moment of their relationship had been entirely mutual.

They had not believed him.

For a few days he had been angry, but then he began to feel numb, and the numbness had been a blessing. It still was. But now, someone was knocking. Someone wanted to talk to him.

“Go away,” he said sharply. “I don't want to see anyone.”

“Davin, please.” A familiar voice sounded through the door.
Kiri? Why, by all the gods, is she here?

Davin rose and threw open the door. “What do you want?”

“May I come in?” she asked in a tiny, contrite voice he'd never expected to her from her. “There's something important I have to say to you.”

Davin's molars ground together. Numbness melted to icy rage at the sight of the bitch who had betrayed him. “I'm not in the mood for games, Kiri,” he snarled.

“No games. I swear.”

He stepped aside and let her enter the room. “Well? Say what you have to say and get out. I don't want you here.”

* * *

Kiri could see in every line of Davin's body how deeply she had hurt him. Her awakening to her magic had permanently enhanced her senses, and she could see his normally teasing brown eyes looked bleak, and the small smile lines around them were gone. His cheeks were unshaven and without his ready grin, the planes of his face looked harsh. Fury radiated from every line of his body. This was going to be terrible, she knew, but when she saw him it broke her own heart. No matter the cost to her pride, she must tell this man she was sorry. She took a deep breath. “I had to come. I owe you a huge apology. I made a terrible mistake.”

“I should certainly say so, Kiri,” he sneered. “You had me arrested.”

Oh gods, he does believe that.
She hastened to explain. “I didn't, you know. That was done without my knowledge or consent. I went yesterday to the council of elders. I told them you were innocent of harming me and convinced them to drop the charges against you. If I had known what they were doing, I would have stopped them sooner. It was never what I wanted.”

Davin blinked, confusing momentarily suppressing his anger. “Wait, what? You didn't bring rape charges against me?”

She stepped forward, crowing into his space and laid a hand on his arm. “There was no rape between us. I know that better than most. You never caused me harm. You have been nothing but good to me. Better than I deserved.” Her eyes lowered from his to the floor.

Davin stepped away, jerking his arm out from under her fingers. “Then what happened? Everyone thought you learned in your class that by using your magic without your consent, I assaulted you.”

“No, no, no!” Kiri insisted, her voice rising. Then she took a deep breath. “How can you people get such simple things so twisted up? I trusted you. If you could have convinced me in the moment that I truly had enough magic to make a difference, I would have given you permission to use it. It was no violation whatsoever!” Again she touched him, resting her hand on his shoulder.

Davin shook her off and turned away. “Well then what the hell happened? Why did you leave the hospital and go to your own apartment? And why wouldn't you see me? I heard you crying. You never cry. Why wouldn't you let me in?” Grief bled into the question, and Kiri's heart clenched.

“That's why I'm here. I have to explain. I made a terrible mistake,” she pleaded, her voice wavering and cracking. A tear escaped and she brushed it away.

At last Davin consented to glance over his shoulder at her. “Go on.”

This is it. Spit it out.
“When you didn't come for me after class, I walked back to the hospital by myself. A woman approached me and told me she was your wife.”

Davin turned and stared, stunned. “Kiri, I've never been married.”

She sniffled, her head bowed in shame. “I know that now. I should have trusted you. I'm sorry.”

“What did this woman look like?” Suspicion threaded into his every word. She dared look at him, and the angry cast to his features nearly broke her nerve.

Forcing herself to speak, she enunciated carefully, “Kind of like me, but older, with short hair and no scars.”

A look of rage the likes of which Kiri had never imagined washed over Davin's face. His jaw clenched, a muscle in it ticked. “That bitch,” he gritted out. “I'll kill her.” Another long moment passed while Davin appeared to wrestle with his temper. “Why the hell did you believe a total stranger?” he demanded, stepping forward and grasping her upper arms in a bruising grip.

His question struck her in the heart.
He's right. This failure is unforgiveable.
Yet Kiri tried to explain. “I couldn't imagine what reason she would have to lie. And, it's still hard for me to believe someone as amazing as you could really…care for a worn out old wreck of a woman like me.”

His arms jerked, shaking her. “You couldn't have asked me? No, forget that.” He dropped her. “Could you have asked Jaya? Lady Miranda? Dalwyn? Hell, someone you met on the street? I'm well known. Everyone knows I'm not married.” He gestured in disbelief, arms forward, palms up.

“I was stupid. I admit it. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.” She took a deep breath. She did not want to say this next part, but it was necessary. Kiri raised her eyes to his. Tears shimmered in the emerald depths. “I know you may never be able to forgive me. I did you a terrible wrong, and no apology can make it right. I betrayed your trust. But I had to come to you, to tell you that you didn't do anything wrong. The fault was mine entirely. You are a good man, and a worthy one. I couldn't let you think you had wronged me in some way. You never did. I swear it.” One tear, and then another began flowing down the scars on Kiri's cheeks.

Davin didn't respond in any way. His expression never changed. Grief tore at Kiri.
What an idiot I am, to have had the love of such a perfect man, and thrown it away because of a lie, a lie I never even tried to confirm
. She deserved every moment of suffering. For a brief, wild instant, she considered telling Davin she was pregnant. If anything would make him soften towards her, it would be that. But she decided against it. It was a kind of manipulation to use a baby to try to convince him to forgive her. He would have to want her for herself or nothing else would matter.

“Davin,” she said, her voice soft and trembling, “My love…I know I don't deserve your forgiveness, but is there any way we can…be together again? I love you. I… I'll do anything you want, any penance. I'll be your slave. Only, say it's not over between us. Please Davin.” She hated the wheedling tone in her voice, but she couldn't stop.

“I have no use for a woman, slave or otherwise, who would listen to lies without even asking me if they're true. Clearly, you have no trust in me, Kiri. And I can't trust you anymore either. You've said your piece. Now get out.” He stalked to the door and wrenched it open, indicating the hallway with a gesture of his head.

Unable to hold back a brokenhearted whimper, Kiri stood a moment longer, staring at her beloved with grief pouring unchecked from every pore of her body, tears flowing in rivulets down the scars on her cheeks. Then, without another word, she fled, all but running through the door. Davin slammed it behind her. She didn't get far. Leaning her back against the brick wall opposite his door, she rested her head in her hands and slid slowly to the floor.

* * *

Davin groaned, throwing himself back onto his sofa.
Well, Colorian, you got what you wanted.
Yet had he? Moment by moment the coldness of his rage was evaporating. The hurt was still there, fueling his anger, but he no longer desired to punish Kiri. In fact, a sour little thread of guilt began to work its way through his consciousness. Was this really what all his words of love had come to? Yes, Kiri had failed to trust him, this little voice whispered, but why had she not known the threat existed, so she could be on her guard against these lies? Why had he delved so deep into Kiri's tragic past and never shared much of his own? Could it be his own pride had played a role in this? That he had brought his suffering on himself? She had not trusted him, but had he truly trusted her, enough to reveal the worst of himself, so she would be prepared for it? No, he had basked in her admiration, drunk in her love, devoured her innocent body, and let her think him more than he was.

And now, he had to make a choice. He could continue to let her suffer alone, and she would accept it, but was that really what he wanted? Was revenge more important than their relationship? He could keep his pride and destroy hers, but would that really solve the problem? It wouldn't. He was a bastard. This had to stop.

His body, exhausted with depression and the aftermath of his emotional breakdown, fought to remain prone, but he forced his muscles to engage, dragging himself to his feet. Each slow, purposeful step required a strength of will he had never known he possessed, yet the image of Kiri, stricken and crying before him, gave him the strength to overcome his lethargy.
I have to find her.
No matter the cost. We have to fix this.

He turned the knob and opened his door to see the object of his search sitting before him, arms around her knees, sobbing.

The sight of her melted him. He knelt, drawing her out of her little ball and lifting her to her feed. Without a word he tugged her back into his apartment and shut the world out with a quick turning of the lock.

“Kiri, no more,” he said gently, “I can't do this.”

A look of pure panic washed over Kiri's tearstained face, but as he watched, the proud warrior reappeared, straightening her spine and standing tall before him. “When you say you can't do this, do you mean you can't forgive me, and nothing I can do will convince you to take me back?”

“No, baby, that's not what I meant,” he said softly. “I meant punishing you is not the right thing to do. Come with me. We need to talk.”

He led her though the sitting room of his apartment to the sofa, urging her to take a seat and then joining her. Kiri had her face in her hands, and her shoulders were shaking. He realized she was crying again. “What is it?”

“I never thought I'd hear you call me baby again,” she sobbed. “I love it when you do.”

Her hurt cut into him and he couldn't resist wrapping one arm around her, pulling her close. She struggled to regain control of herself, and finally lifted her face.

“Why shouldn't you push me away?” she asked. “I deserve it.”

“That may be, and I won't deny I'm still pretty angry,” he replied, wanting to be honest.

“And hurt?” The word emerged from her scarred lips as a partial sob.

“Yes, baby,” he admitted. “You did hurt me. It hurts real bad that you didn't trust me. But when you love someone, sometimes you give them what they don't deserve. It may be a while before I get past this, but making you hurt like I did won't help heal it. I want it to heal. I don't like being angry, especially not at you.” He paused to think for a moment before continuing. “But, it's unfair for me to let you take all the blame. I have some responsibility too. I didn't warn you about her. I should have.”

“Why didn't you?” Kiri's wide eyes told him she was paying rapt attention.

“I was embarrassed,” he replied, and even now the shame of what he had once been rose up in him, nearly choking off his words. “That woman, Kaeli, I slept with her a few times, many years ago.”

“I know,” Kiri replied. “Jaya told me. But Davin, if she's this horrible person – and mind you, I don't believe she's crazy. She just pretends so she can get away with being a bully – why did you sleep with her?”

This time his eyes skated away from hers. “That's the part I was hoping you would never have to know. For a long period of time, about eight years, starting after my family's deaths, I was completely promiscuous. I would sleep with any willing woman, even if she was stupid, mean, crazy, anything. There were dozens, maybe even hundreds of different women I bedded during that time. I can't even remember them all, but I never loved any of them.”

His rapid delivery of words seemed to leave Kiri stunned. She sat blinking. “Why?”

“I don't really know. I was angry my parents had died, particularly my father. I was on the brink of manhood, just when I needed his guidance most, and he was gone. We were very close, and when I left for school we were on good terms. And then…he died. I wasn't ready. He had always told me to treat women with respect. 'Sex can wait, son,' he used to say; 'because when you find the right woman, well there's nothing that can compare to that. Wait for the right woman.' I always promised I would, but I had counted on him being there to meet that woman, to approve her, to welcome her into the family.”

Though the explanation did little to rectify their situation, Kiri seemed focused on his words anyway. “Maybe you expressed your grief at his death by doing exactly the opposite of what he wanted. You were angry with him for leaving you, so you decided to throw his advice out the window.”