The Blame (11 page)

The Vasco da Gama Shopping Centre was undoubtedly Lisbon’s most beautiful mall. Situated in the heart of Parque das Nações, it opened up onto the walkways and gardens that lined the Tagus River. It was a light, airy structure of glass and steel that was designed to resemble a cruise liner on the inside. The whole interior decor had a nautical theme, from the sea shell-encrusted toilet seats to the water that flowed across the glass ceiling.

Laughing, shouting and the occasional bark could be heard as families and tourists flocked to the area to enjoy the fine weather. The arrival of spring had finally made itself felt, allowing cardigans to be discarded.

David and Laura strolled hand in hand along the promenade, dodging rollerbladers and kids on bicycles. Vanessa was spending the weekend at Mariana’s place and so, for once, they had some time to themselves.

“Let’s go for a ride on the cable car before we go and do our shopping,” suggested Laura.

“OK,” replied David, “but let’s get some ice cream cones first.”

The 16-minute round trip over the Tagus at a height of 30 metres afforded a magnificent view of the waterfront, especially of the hallmark contemporary buildings such as the Vasco da Gama Tower, the Atlantic Pavilion and the San Gabriel and San Rafael twin residential towers.

Laura and David had a car to themselves, which allowed them to freely enjoy the view, as well as laugh at each other’s feeble jokes. Laura hadn’t felt so relaxed in ages; she was grateful that the recent upheaval in her life seemed to finally be behind her.

“I hope everything goes smoothly tonight otherwise Vanessa will never try another sleepover.” Worry puckered her brow.

“I’m sure it will. Sara has set the alarm clock for two-thirty so she can take her to the bathroom. And she’s not going to let them get overly tired so that should reduce the risk of night terrors.”

Laura squeezed his hand. They were getting their life back.

When the ride was over, they made their way to the shopping centre to make the most of the sales and promotions that were underway in most stores. As the formal clothes they needed for work were usually so expensive, David and Laura tended to only buy them when they were on sale, which allowed them to save a substantial amount of money. Besides, nothing was quite as good for the soul as chocolate and shopping, Laura always said. In moderation, of course. So, instead of trawling all the shops, they headed straight for one of the more exclusive stores that carried the men’s and women’s wear they required. Two hours later, they had renovated their wardrobes.

“I can’t believe you managed to get all these clothes at a discount of 60%!” exclaimed David as they left the store.

“Amazing, isn’t it? At least this is one advantage of the country being in recession—special promotions all year round. You did well to buy those suits, they’re gorgeous.”

“So, are we sorted or do you need anything else?” asked David.

“Well, maybe if I can find a nice pair of sandals at a reasonable price, I might be tempted. Let’s have a look-see first.”

They made their way through the throng of people that shuffled along the various corridors.

“This is getting too crowded for me,” said David, turning to Laura. I think it’s time...hey, what’s wrong? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“It’s nothing. I’m just feeling a little faint, that’s all. Perhaps we should get something to eat.”

“Ok, where would you like to go?”

“We’ll see in a minute. I’m just going to the loo first. Wait here for me.”

Laura turned round and walked back the way they had come. David leaned against the chrome railing and watched the shoppers walk by on the level below. Not many were actually carrying shopping bags, and the ones that were, had low-end chain store name brands on their purchases.

After a couple of minutes David decided that there was no point in waiting around for Laura. He might as well go to the toilet, too. He picked up all their carrier bags and headed after her. As he turned into the corridor that led to the lifts and toilets, he saw a stranger talking earnestly to Laura, his hands on her shoulders. He was an older, distinguished looking guy dressed in beige chinos and a light blue shirt. Laura was looking down at the floor and shaking her head slowly. The man tilted her head up and said something to her. Then to David’s amazement, he took her in his arms and held her in a tight embrace, burying his face in her hair.

What the fuck was that all about? His first reaction was to dash forward and demand to know what the hell was going on.
Take your hands off my wife, you jerk!
But instead, he held back. No point in making a scene in public. He retraced his steps and waited for her in the main walkway. This was totally unbelievable! Surely there had to be a perfectly good explanation for what he had just seen. Perhaps he was being too hasty, perhaps .....
Who am I trying to kid
? he chided himself.
I know intimacy when I see it, and no way was that a brotherly hug.

He’d confront her later, he decided grimly, take her by surprise and see what she had to say for herself. He shook his head in bewilderment. Jesus, was she having an affair? The suspicions he’d assiduously been ignoring, suddenly reared their ugly head. Who the hell was that suave-looking character? How long had this been going on? The questions raged through his mind.

Ten minutes later they were getting into David’s car in the underground parking lot. Laura had appeared shortly after and had immediately agreed when David had suggested skipping lunch and going directly home.

David slipped the key into the ignition but instead of starting the car, he sat staring straight ahead, gripping the steering wheel so hard his knuckles turned white.

“So, do you want to tell me what’s going on?” he asked, his voice colder than an iceberg.

“What do you mean?” she replied, fiddling with her seatbelt. She was still so rattled at having run into Hugo that she didn’t notice how drawn and pale her husband’s face was.

“Cut the crap, Laura. I saw you! Who is he?” 

Damn
she thought,
he must have followed me. 
“What? Oh, you mean Hugo?” she asked, her thoughts racing to find a plausible explanation while her heart hammered wildly in her chest. 

“Hugo? Who the bloody hell is Hugo and why was he holding you like that?”

“It’s nothing,” she answered, fussing with the shopping bags at her feet in order to hide her flushed face and avoid his blazing eyes. “It’s just someone from work who’s going through a bad spell, that’s all.”

“Oh, yeah? And what are you? An agony aunt? Give me a break, Laura! I’m not a fool. Even if you are trying to make one of me.” A muscle twitched at the corner of his eye.

Laura realized she wasn’t going to be able to bluff her way out and suddenly felt drained. As neither flight nor fight seemed to be an option, she capitulated.

“I’m sorry, David. I didn’t mean to hurt you, I really didn’t,” she said softly, eyes downcast and nails digging into the palm of her hand. “It was just a silly flirtation that got a bit out of control, that’s all.” Her eyes glistened as she fought to keep her voice steady.

“A little out of control? You don’t say. And what’s that supposed to mean exactly?”

Laura heard the ice in his voice and looked up at him. Her breath caught in her throat when she saw the look of contained fury on his face. He’d never looked at her like that before—not even during their most heated arguments. 

“Well, basically what you saw,” she mumbled. “He’s in love with me.”

“Ah, isn’t that sweet? He’s in love with you,” David said sarcastically. “In lust with you, is more like it! How can you be so bloody naive?”

“Why is it so difficult for you to believe that another man could honestly be in love with me? That he could actually be interested in me as a person?”  His words had stung and she started to feel indignant.

“Oh, grow up, Laura! How much older than you is he? This is every middle-aged guy’s dream come true, a bit of young ass on the side!” he said spitefully, wanting her to hurt as much as he was.  “Couldn’t you have been a little more original?”

She remained silent, looking down at her lap and twisting the wedding band on her finger.

  “Did you go to bed with him?” His voice was quiet and controlled, as though he were asking if she’d remembered to pay a bill or pick up his suit from the drycleaner’s. “Well? Did you? Did you have sex with him?”

Laura flinched. Hearing David spell it out in broad daylight drove the truth home, made it real, made her feel the enormity of her actions. Much as she had wanted to kid herself, you couldn’t just take time out and live a separate fantasy life for a while, and then return seamlessly to your real one as though the two would never collide.

  Part of her wanted to wipe the slate clean, to tell him the truth and start afresh with no lies and no secrets between them anymore. But then she saw the hurt in his eyes and wanted desperately to make it go away.  “I, uh, no, no, it was just what you saw.” Her eyelids fluttered a couple of times like shutters preventing an unwanted scrutiny.

In contrast, David stared unblinkingly at her for a long moment.  Not liking what he saw there, he screwed up his face and shook his head in disbelief.  “Damn it, Laura! Don’t lie to me!” He grabbed her by the shoulders and forced her to look at him. “I can see that you’re lying!” he accused, abandoning all attempt at constraint.

Her silence confirmed his suspicions.

“Christ, I don’t believe this! I don’t fucking believe this!” He released her and rubbed his face with his hands, as though washing it. He muttered something under his breath and shook his head.

Silence filled the car.

“So, do you love him?” His ragged voice belied his apparent calm.

“No, David, I don’t,” she replied earnestly. Now that it was out in the open, she wanted to explain it away, put it into perspective, and show him it wasn’t really such a big deal after all. “It was sex, that’s all, only sex. It didn’t mean anything. And it wasn’t even particularly good.”

“Only sex?” David asked bitterly. “Well, that’s all right then, isn’t it?” Sarcasm dripped from his voice.

He got out of the car, slammed the door shut and started pacing. Laura could hear him muttering to himself and felt helpless. She didn’t know how she could fix the situation, or even if she could fix it at all. David was obviously devastated by what he had learnt. No wonder, of course. Had she really thought she could make light of this? Pretend it was just a little hiccup in their path that could easily be swept under the carpet in one fell swoop? He’d probably never be able to forgive her.

Perhaps she should have lied more convincingly, not been quite so quick to admit the truth. Yes, she was naive to think that the truth redeems. Damn it! She should have looked him in the eye and lied through her teeth. After all, what he didn’t know didn’t hurt him, just as Sara had said. She was just being selfish by telling him the truth, trying to assuage her own feelings of guilt.

David got back in the car and turned to her. “Why, Laura? Why did you have to do it?” he demanded. “It’s not as though I don’t give you everything you need.”

That hit a nerve. “As a matter of fact, you don’t. If you did, this whole thing wouldn’t have happened.”

“Sweet. Now it’s my fault you’re screwing some guy. What is it exactly he gives you that I don’t? ”

“Understanding!” she spat out at him, angry now. “He listens to me and respects my opinions and he doesn’t criticize or blame me all the time.”

“So that’s why you had to jump into the sack with him? To talk?”

“That was a mistake. I was just flattered by the attention he gave me; it made me feel young and attractive again.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t go around screwing every woman in sight just to inflate my ego. And believe me, there’s no shortage of sexy young women who are more than willing.” And with that he fired up the engine and roared out of the parking garage.

By the time they got home, Laura had a raging headache. The ride home had been unbearable. She had never seen David drive so fast nor so recklessly before. Fortunately, there had been little traffic and they had made it home in record time. He had maintained an icy silence all the way, and she had soon given up on further explanations.

Thank God Vanessa’s staying at Sara’s,
she thought as she swallowed a couple of Aspirin. She could hear David knocking about upstairs in the bedroom, and summoning up some courage, she decided to go and speak to him. She mounted the stairs with trepidation; she had no idea how this whole thing was going to pan out.

She paused in the doorway, eyes widening when she saw that he was tossing clothes on the bed—he was obviously preparing to pack an overnight bag. “David, can we talk about this?”

He ignored her as he continued to withdraw items of clothing from the wardrobe and throw them down on the bed. Then he went into their en suite bathroom and came out with his toiletry bag, which he also tossed on the bed before reaching up to retrieve a large duffle bag from the top shelf in the wardrobe.

“David, what are you doing? Where are you going?” Fear rose up inside her. He was leaving home! Jesus, what would she say to Vanessa? Or even worse, what would he say to her? She felt panic overcome her. But no. David would never hurt Vanessa, not even to get back at her. There’s no way that he would tell their daughter about her mother’s indiscretion.

“David!”

He looked briefly at her. “I need some space, some time to think. I can’t talk to you now.” He zipped up the duffel bag and slung it over his shoulder.

“When will you be back? What will I tell Vanessa?”

“You should have thought about that before, shouldn’t you? But I’m sure you’ll think of something. After all, deceit comes easy to you, doesn’t it?”

He pushed past her and ran down the stairs, eager to get away from her. A moment later, she heard the front door bang shut, and looking out of the bedroom window, she saw the cloud of dust that his wheels had kicked up as he sped down the gravel driveway towards the gate.

***

How long Laura paced up and down in the living room she didn’t know, but it felt like forever. The Aspirin had started to work its magic on her headache, but her insides felt like they had been twisted into a knot with a white-hot poker.

Every so often she’d look out of the window and cock her head, hoping to see or hear David’s car coming back up the driveway. Then she’d check the cell phone in her hand to see whether by any chance she’d missed a text message notification.

She needn’t have bothered.

Damn it! Of all the rotten luck they’d had to go and run into Hugo and spoil a perfectly nice day. Hell, a perfectly nice life! She shouldn’t have gone to speak to him. She should just have pretended that she hadn’t understood his discrete gesture signalling her to meet him in the side corridor. But she’d been afraid that he’d accost them there and then if she ignored him.

It was unfortunate that Hugo was truly in love with her. She couldn’t believe how persistent he was, nearly obsessive. It was rather annoying, and yes, scary, too. It was almost like having a stalker. How could she get the message through to him for once and for all? It was over between them. Never in her wildest dreams had she thought that he would react this way.

She did feel a little guilty, though, like a home-wrecker, but then again, that had been Hugo’s decision.  After all, he had admitted his separation had been in the works all along, and that their little fling had been the nudge he had required to actually take that final step. Of course it wasn’t only Hugo’s home she had wrecked; she’d probably done the same to her own. Poor David. He hadn’t seen it coming at all. And the thought of telling Vanessa that her parents were splitting up made her feel hollow inside.

Suddenly, she had to hear her daughter’s voice; the one thing that remained rock solid in her life, that anchored her firmly to the ground and enabled her to keep putting one foot before the other, no matter what. But talking to Vanessa entailed talking to Sara first, and much as she loved her friend, she wasn’t up to talking about what had happened. Not yet, at any rate. So, time to put on an act and see if she could get away with it.

“Hi, Laura! How was your day in the big city?”

“Hello, Sara. It was great. We got all our shopping done. What about you? Did the girls behave themselves?” Laura hoped that she sounded cheerful, but even to her own ears, her voice sounded strained.

“They did indeed. We spent the day exploring the arts and crafts shops in Óbidos, and the girls bought a couple of beautiful rag dolls. The citadel was crawling with tourists as usual, but even so we all had a lovely time.”

“That’s nice.”

A beat. “Would I be correct in assuming that your day was perhaps not quite as nice as ours? You sound a little strange.”

“No, not at...,” Laura began but then she stopped and sighed. “Actually, yes, Sara, you’re right. But please don’t ask me about it right now. I promise I’ll talk to you about it on Monday when the girls are back at school.”

“Laura! You’re scaring me! That sounds ominous. Is there anything I can do?” she asked anxiously.

“Yes, just keep Vanessa with you till tomorrow evening. I’ll pick her up at seven, if that’s all right.”

“Honey, of course it’s all right. Don’t you worry about her.” A pause. “Where’s David?”

An even longer pause. “He’s gone.”

“Gone? What do you mean ‘gone’”? Sara demanded. “When is he coming back?”

“I don’t know, Sara,” Laura replied forlornly. “We had a pretty serious argument and he packed a bag and left...” Her voice trailed off.

“Oh my Lord! I can’t believe it! Laura, do you want me to come over?”

“No, Sara. Really. Please just look after Vanessa for me and I’ll explain everything later. Make sure she doesn’t forget to use her inhaler before she goes to bed. She knows how to do it by herself now. ”

“Of course, my dear. Don’t you worry yourself about that. I just wish there was something I could do for you.”

“Thank you, Sara. You’re a good friend. And please don’t forget her midnight pit stop, will you? I’d hate for her to have an accident on her first sleepover.”

“It’s OK, Laura. It’s all under control. Just focus on sorting out this issue with David.”

Laura’s bottom lip trembled and she struggled to keep her composure. “Sara, she hasn’t been listening to our conversation, has she?”

“No, of course not. The girls are playing in Mariana’s bedroom. Would you like to talk to her?”

“Yes, please.” Laura dug her nails hard into the palm of her hand, hoping the physical pain would supplant the emotional one.

“Hang on a moment, I’ll call her.”

Laura pressed her lips tightly together, and willed herself to hold back the tears that threatened to spill. 

“Hello, Mommy!”

That sweet, familiar and much loved voice in her ear demolished the last of her self-control like a wrecking ball.

The tears flowed freely.