The Black Album (7 page)

Chad
Hey, Shahid, brother Riaz had the delectation of meeting your brother in the hallway earlier. An’ you know what happened? There was an incident.

Shahid
What incident?

Hat
Chili threatened brother Riaz.

Shahid
Sorry?

Hat
He claimed the brother wearing one of his shirts.

Shahid
Oh, no.

Hat
Riaz didn’t know what he was talking about.

Shahid
(
to Chad
) Did you tell Riaz?

Chad
(
pointedly
) It ain’t him nuisancing me right now.

Shahid
Who do you mean?

Chad
You holding something back, Shahid?

Shahid
Listen, Chad – you know, brother, the first time we met, an’ I told you that as a Paki, I went through a lot of shit? I wanted to say to you, Trev –

Chad
Did you call me Trev?

Shahid
Yeah, I was trying to say –

Chad
No more Trev. Me a Muslim. Like Mohammed Ali. We don’t apologise for ourselves. We are people who say one important thing – that pleasure and self-absorption isn’t everything.

Hat
Riaz says it is a bottomless basket.

Chad
Ain’t that a wicked phrase? One pleasure – unless there are strong limits – can only lead to another. Until we become beasts. The people paint their faces.

Shahid
What?

Chad
They wear aftershave. And they paint their faces. What happened to the clothes I gave you?

Shahid
I was too cold.

Chad
You hear the Iranians planning to put the fatwa on the writer?

Shahid
What’s a fatwa?

Chad
That when Allah take a cleaver against a sinner – like what I did against that racist.

Hat
Only it green.

Chad
What?

Hat
Allah is green, so his sword is green – you know, the colour of fertile land.

Chad
Yeah, Allah the first environmentalist. Anyway, it the law, once it passed by the Iranians. It legal then to take action against the blasphemer. And now there’s been a confirmation, no one can doubt it. It will force Iranians to issue the fatwa.

Hat
What confirmation?

Chad
(
stating the obvious
) We have been given a miraculous sign.

Hat
We blessed! What sort of sign?

Chad
An arrow.

Shahid
An arrow?

Chad
Yeah, it’s an arrow pointing straight at the author.

Hat
What type of arrow?

Chad
I’ll clip you upside your head! How many bloody type of arrows are there? You idiot. I’ll just say this. It’s an arrow in an eggplant.

Hat
How can you plant an egg?

Chad
You fool, Hat, don’t problem up a brother! Moulana Darapuria has now given his confirmation that the aubergine wrapped in Shahid’s pakora is a divine symbol. And we’re exhibiting the righteous aubergine right here! Riaz wants a squad of us brothers to watch the door, make sure the crowds behave, and the press don’t turn hot lights on God’s message.

Tahira
God has granted me the sight. Thanks to Shahid.

Hat
It’s true, Shahid! You can see the arrow!

Chad
Pointing straight at Islington.

Shahid
How do you know it’s Islington?

Chad
It where the writer live.

Shahid
My room’s going to be wrecked by all these people.

Riaz enters, as the ‘pilgrims’ begin chanting
.

Riaz
As-salaam a-leikum
, Shahid. You see how far-reaching is the power of Allah.

Shahid
I didn’t realise Allah was vegetarian.

Riaz clocks Shahid momentarily, then laughs
.

Riaz
You have a good way with your words. (
Taking
Shahid aside
.) Our people, most of them are from villages, half-literate and not wanted here. These miracles give them a voice in this land of so-called free expression. We who are educated, it is our duty to give this miracle a shape. I understand the Ayatollah is getting ready to make a big announcement.

Shahid
Do you know what the fatwa will say?

Riaz
It is a call to all Muslims to defend the faith against blasphemers.

Shahid
What does that mean?

Riaz
Surely it is obvious. The fatwa requires us to take whatever action is necessary. Just like the action we took against the racists. That writer insults us. To be against racism is to also be against blasphemers. I can see this troubles you, Shahid. Let us discuss this openly, like a family. I will tell all the brothers to assemble in your room early in the morning.

How is the typing coming?

Shahid
I’ve had to change a few things in your poems.

Riaz
Excellent. Are you having to translate my work into current English?

Shahid
No, it’s more like –

Riaz
Smoothing out?

Shahid
Yes.

Riaz
Good. What did you think of my poem?

Shahid
Which one?

Riaz
‘The Wrath’. ‘The Wrath’.

Shahid
I – uh – haven’t got to that one yet.

Riaz
Chad says you have had some work published.

Shahid
In a magazine. A while ago.

Riaz
What was it called?

Shahid
‘Paki Wog Fuck Off Home’.

Riaz
Did they publish it?

Shahid
They were going to. Except my ammi tore up the manuscript. Said no one would want to read such filth.

Riaz
Muslims like us will never get accepted.

Shahid
Oh no, there’s nothing more fashionable than people like us. You, brother, could have a wide appeal if the media knew of you.

Riaz
The media, yes. You must submit an article on this matter of blasphemy to the national newspapers.

Shahid
It’s difficult, with my room now a pilgrimage site …

Riaz
How are you getting on with Tahira?

Shahid
Fine, fine. She’s a good brother – (
correcting
himself
) sister.

Riaz
An example to all our women. Modest. Obedient. She will make a good companion to a true young Muslim leader. And she wears no make-up.

Shahid
What?

Riaz
(
reassuring
) Let me see what I can do about your room. (
Turning to Brownlow
.) Welcome, Dr Brownlow to the site of the bona-fide miracle.

Brownlow
I have arranged for Councillor R-R-Rudder to attend.

Riaz
Excellent, excellent. You see, Shahid, all the great powers in the community are gathering in support of our cause. Councillor George Rugman Rudder is Labour leader of the entire elected council here. Will you write down what he says? (
To Brownlow
.) We need him to deliver a bigger place, Dr Brownlow.

Rudder
Hello there, people! Hello, all!

Riaz
Thank you for coming, Mr Rudder. We knew you would pay your respects.

Rudder
Naturally, naturally. What a marvellous crowd, worshipping the fruit of the earth! What a popular aubergine, top of the vegetable table! What a sound method of communication the miracle is! Thank God a Tory borough wasn’t chosen!

Riaz
Mr Rudder, our sincere thanks again for letting us use a private house in this public way. We understand how illegal it normally is. The whole community is eternally grateful. You are a true friend of Asia.

Chad
(
while continuing to circle the aubergine
) Friend of Asia!

Hat
(
picking up the chant
) And of Southall!

Tahira
And of Newham!

Chad
And of Brick Lane – Asia’s best friend!

Rudder
Yes, and I’ll be rewarded in heaven, no doubt. The Seventh Day Adventists have expressed deep satisfaction, and, it is said, mention my ailments in their prayers. Rastafarians shake my hand as I walk my dog. I am East London’s one true Anglo-Saxon friend! (
To Riaz and
Brownlow
.) Naturally I have been generous enough to use my influence, against very racialist opposition, to open a private house in this way. But you are also smart enough to know, Riaz – and you are a smarty – that it can’t last for ever.

Riaz
Which is why, Councillor Rudder, we have been thinking so much about the Town Hall for the preservation of the sacred miracle in public.

Brownlow
(
taken aback
) Y-y-yes, the T-T-Town Hall.

Rudder
The Town Hall?

Riaz
Is there a reason why not?

Chad
(
while continuing to circle the aubergine
) Rudder, Rudder, Rudder – he’s our Asian brother!

Crowd picks up the chant
.

Rudder
Yes, yes, perhaps the Town Hall. There’s plenty of room. Most of it between the ears of the people who work there.

Riaz
It will have to be in the foyer. There is already hanging there a picture of Nelson Mandela. We must not be ghettoised.

Chad
No! No! No! Ghettoisation – no!

Crowd picks up the chant
.

Rudder
Let me first witness this phenomenal example of God’s signature.

They part to allow him to enter
.

(
Aside, to Brownlow
.) Of course, revelations are faith’s aberration, an amusement at the most. But whatever helps the Labour Party get re-elected mustn’t be scoffed at. Let’s hope they curry this blue fruit. Brinjal, I believe it’s called. I could murder an Indian, couldn’t you?

Shahid
(
excited
) I wasn’t sure you’d come, Deedee.

She sees ‘the miracle’ on the salver
.

Deedee
(
laughing
) God in a pulpy vegetable!

Shahid
Is Prince culture? Or just what you think we darkies understand?