The Black Album (10 page)

Chad
She against authority yet called police in! Brother Riaz has said that Osgood must be removed from her post for her attacks on minorities.

Tahira
And today she prevented our free expression. Isn’t that racist censorship, Shahid?

Shahid
You got your moment on TV.

Hat
She’s left her office.

Chad
With my usual genius I’ve thought of what to do. Tonight we visit her private home.

Shahid
(
alarmed
) What?

Chad
In order to learn, she must be taught a lesson.

Shahid
What are you doing?

Chad
Riaz is waiting for us at the mosque.

He snatches the disc from Hat
.

I’m returning his property.

Shahid
(
reaches for it
) It’s not finished.

Chad
It finished.

He tosses the disc to Hat
.

Check it out. Go!

Hat leaves
.

(
Hauling up the prone Strapper
.) And you, Mr Strapper, you’re coming with us.

Strapper
(
in a daze
) What the – Hey, Trevor!

Chad
I told you that’s not my truth.

Strapper
Where we going, man?

Chad
To sniff her out. Osgood – no good!

Tahira
Osgood – no good! (
To Shahid
.) You hear?

They leave. Chili stirs
.

Shahid
Come on, Chili – get yourself together!

Chili
What fucking mess you in, little brother?

Shahid
We need to get to Deedee’s.

Chili
Never chase women.

Tonight I want a human touch. Decent bed. Clean sheets. Let’s go to her place and party, toot sweet!

Shahid
Got your knife?

Chili
(
flicks open his knife
) You don’t go round London without one.

Hat enters
.

Hat
(
in a state, to Shahid
) What you do that for, brother?

Chili
Respect – that’s my brother you talking to!

Shahid
Where’s my disc, Hat?

Hat
You know what you’ve done.

Shahid
No.

Hat
I converted Riaz’s poems on my printer.

Shahid
Already?

Hat
Yeah.

Shahid
I see.

Hat
I couldn’t believe it!

Shahid
I hadn’t finished.

Hat
Finished?

Shahid
The poems –

Hat
How d’you think brother Riaz will feel, standing so proud and all, waiting for his rhymes to come out printed and clean so he could hold it in his hands and show his friends?

Shahid
The original manuscript hasn’t been touched.

Hat
Him be shattered to pieces when he sees this.

Shahid
It’s a celebration. Of passion.

Hat
(
realises
) You been seeing that Miss Osgood, haven’t you? And collaborating with her all this time! You a raving evil spirit and a double agent!

Chili
For being with a woman?! (
To Shahid
.) What friends you call these, bro?

Shahid
Hat, did you like any of what I did?

Hat
I can be a bit dirty-minded myself, but that stuff … You a sewer rat. I don’t go and put an essay on girls crossing their legs –

Shahid
And on the smell of their hair, and on the skin behind their knees –

Hat
Yeah! The odours of their body and everything like that – people sniffing one another’s, you know, doo-dahs.

Shahid
Didn’t God give us our doo-dahs?

Hat
I wouldn’t put them into print and mix it up with religious words, would I?

Shahid
I want us to be friends, Hat.

Hat
Why rape us then? Chad said that brother Riaz saved your life one time.

Shahid
Yes.

Hat
That why you turn on him?

Shahid
Hat, please believe me. I was just playing with words.

Hat
Our religion isn’t something you can test out, like trying on a suit to see if it fit!

Shahid
Please, Hat, help me. I want to speak to Riaz alone. Just for half an hour. I want to explain everything. Will you talk to him without letting Chad know?

Hat
Brother Chad and all of us, we trusted you – apart from Tahira, who say from the beginning you an egotist with an evil smile. And then Riaz put his soulful words in your hands. It would have been a privilege for any of us! But he think you special. How can you think to bother Riaz right now? He busy planning.

Shahid
What?

Hat
Just retributions.

Shahid
Like what?

Hat
I can’t tell you.

Shahid
Will you give me back the disc?

Hat
I can’t do that.

Shahid
Then see you.

Hat
Where you going?

Shahid
Where’s Deedee? Where is she?

Brownlow
Thankfully, I no longer care. Probably making a list of a few more names to slip to the police.

Chili
(
brandishing his knife
) Where’s Strapper?

Shahid
(
pushing Chili away
) Have you seen her?

Brownlow
Finished rogering my wife, Tariq? I imagined your religion frowned on such things. Or have you had enough of her? Wouldn’t blame you, sticking to your own. Especially with fiery cadre like Tahira.

Shahid
Is Deedee all right?

Brownlow
‘LBJ, LBJ, how many kids you burned today?’

Chili
Who’s burning kids?

Brownlow
That was our chant at Cambridge in the sixties when students were a united force, pissing on the gods of authority. Now you guys, in the most reactionary period since the war, have picked up the baton.

Shahid
But you’re out of it, aren’t you? You’re fucking off, leaving everything.

Brownlow
What’s there to teach when there is no longer any knowledge to transmit? I’m off to Italy. Or France. Or maybe Spain. What does it matter? Everyone’s standing by their own miserable class or race. Rudder’s going to say the book’s an insult and call for it to be withdrawn. The Tory leader’s agreed to do the same.

Shahid
What the fuck for?

Brownlow
Don’t be naive, there’s a lot of Asian votes to be had round there. (
Ironic
.) Up the revolution! Did I tell you, Riaz has been invited on
Newsnight
to give his opinion on the fatwa?

Shahid
Stop pissing me about!

Brownlow
Don’t know who’s pissing whom.

Chili
Any booze in the house?

Brownlow
(
to Shahid, referring to Chili
) I see you’re enjoying a different class of friend, Tariq.

Chili
Tosser.

Brownlow
(
to Shahid
) Riaz’s eyes went all bright when he heard. He’ll make a fascinating freak on TV. For a week or month. Just when you thought God was dead and buried, you realise he was merely awaiting resurrection! Every fucker’s discovering some god inside them now. Who am I to challenge this?

Shahid
Help us find Deedee!

Brownlow
There we were, right up to the end of the seventies, arguing about society after the revolution, and all the while it was being taken from us. The British people don’t want education, arts, justice, equality … Everything I believed has turned into shit.

Shahid
You’re a spineless bastard.

Brownlow
I’ve been called worse, Tariq.

Shahid
(
pushing him
) My name is Shahid!

Chili
That’s – manly – bro.

Brownlow
(
leaving
) Look – no stutter, see?

Brownlow exits
.

Shahid
(
shouting
) Deedee!

Chili
Ahh, soft, bro – always call a woman softly …

Deedee enters from the kitchen
.

Deedee
What more do you want, Andrew …? (
Sees
Shahid and Chili
.) What’re you doing here?

Shahid
We’ve been looking everywhere for you.

Deedee
Did Andrew let you in?

Shahid
Forget it. Chad and the others know where you live.

Deedee
What?

Shahid
They’re out for revenge. They’re coming for you. Me too, now.

Deedee
Will you talk sense!

Shahid
You called in the police and I fucked around with their master’s words.

Deedee looks at him quizzically
.

I rewrote some of Riaz’s poetry. Didn’t mean to. I was just playing as I was thinking of you – to see where it would take me. I was going to change it back. Riaz and the gang think it’s blasphemy.

Deedee
They’re coming here?

Chili
Any booze in the house? I need a pick-me-up. Booze and a little nap, yeah, just a little sleep.

Deedee
(
to Shahid
) And you’ve brought him – (
indicating
Chili
) – to help?

Shahid
(
tetchy
) Chili.

Deedee
(
to Shahid
) Your big brother wants to put my tits in his mouth.

Chili
It’s worth trying.

Shahid
Chili!

Chili
I’m lonely, all right? Tonight I want a human touch. To feel warm skin. Is that too much to ask? (
To
Shahid
.) All right, all right. (
To Deedee
.) Any drink in the house, Deedee Osgood? Then I’m ready to take on any fucker who comes to annoy you. Me and my bottle will stand guard on the stairs. That’s where the enemy will come in, through the upstairs windows!

Shahid
Make sure you lock it – and the back door.

Chili
Toot sweet, bro, toot sweet. – Where’s your back door, Deedee?

Deedee
Fuck it if they’re going to make me a prisoner in my own house. I’m going to cook. (
Taking Chili
.) Come on, let’s find a bottle for you.

Deedee takes Chili off. The door rattles
.

Strapper
(
off
) It’s only me, Strapper, the Strap. Official visit, man.

Shahid opens the front door. Strapper strolls in
.

Shahid
I thought you were with your old pal Trevor.

Strapper
Chad’s a religious type, he see everything from underneath. You just wanna be white and forget your own. (
He shouts
.) You and your bro just wanna shag the white bitches! That why he don’t go for you no more.

Shahid
I wish I hadn’t let you in.

Strapper
How were you gonna keep me out, cunt? Hey, don’t touch me, man.

Shahid
Get out of here.

Strapper
The brothers burned the book, right? Funny how you people get into more of a state about a book than about the suffering people.

Shahid
(
pushing him towards the door
) You’re making me suffer now, Strapper.

Strapper
I wouldn’t get heavy. Thing is, brown boy, your Chili owes me money. Where’s he hiding round here?

He suddenly jumps and holds the front door wide open
.

(
Shouts in a military voice
.) All clear!

Chad, Tahira and Hat enter
.

Shahid
You bastard!

Chad
Here’s the scum, as expected – holed up with his bitch. So obvious. Now, brothers, get to work on the spy, the infidel, the traitor! Go on. Go on.

Hat
But me papa will be looking for me!

Chad
Your father? What’s he got to do with this?

Hat
I can’t stay.

Chad
Beat him! This idiot hates us and he hates God! Give Satan one!

Tahira
Satan! Satan!

Tahira knees Shahid in the crotch and repeatedly boots
him
.

Chad
The evil spirit has gone down!

Shahid staggers up. Tahira kicks him again. Deedee
runs in
.

Deedee
Leave him!

Chad
(
bars her way
) He belong to us now. Let us take him, bitch, and there’ll be no trouble for you! We’re going to deal with the spy.

Tahira
He deceived and spat on his own, wallowing in filth.

Deedee
Let go of him!

Chad
Eye for an eye – that so hard to understand, Miss Post-Colonial Studies?

Deedee
Very cute, Mr Trevor.

Chad
(
raises his hand to strike her
) Don’t use that name on me!

Deedee
(
jibing
) What’s wrong, Mohammad Shahabuddin Ali-Shah?

Riaz enters
.

Chad
Here he is. Sick, sick, sick as you prophesied.

Tahira
More sick now.

Chad
We’ve captured both of them! What now, brother? What action to take immediately? Which step do you want? Shall we take him away? Or finish him here?

Riaz
(
to Shahid
) You’ve pierced my heart, Shahid … Do you want to stand always alone? Or be one with the
ummah
that is your heart’s only family?

Shahid
I’ll find my own
ummah
, thanks.

Riaz
Bring him for interrogation! We will purify those who cannot purify themselves. He must be shown the raging fires of hell.

He turns to lead them out
.

Hat
(
in horror
) Brothers! It that maniac!

Chili stands on the stairs above them, brandishing his
knife
.

Chili
Hello, all. Robert De Niro’s waiting.

Strapper
Chili-boy!

Chili
O ye of little faith, Strap!

Strapper
(
jigging furiously
) It’s going up, it’s going up! Fuck everything! Fuck you all!

Chad
Right! We’ll halal them all now.

He squares up to Chili
.

Chili
Yeah? I don’t like kosher meat.

(
To the others
.) Now fuck off, all of you! Or else this brother gets halal-ed.

Riaz
(
terrified
) Go, go.

Chad
Leave him! Or you get it!

Chili
(
to Riaz
) And get this fucking shirt off! I told you it were mine, man, now give it back.

Riaz, confused, looks to Chad
.

Now!

Riaz takes off the shirt
.

Chad
I’ll halal you for this, I swear.

Chili
Yeah, yeah. Bigger boys than you have tried to take on Chili. (
To Riaz
.) Pants too.

Riaz complies
.

Chad
You an evil spirit – how can you make brother Riaz change in front of women?

Chili
He got something he ain’t proud of? (
To Riaz
.) My fucking socks as well!

Riaz is forced to complete the undressing
.

Chad
You goin’ straight to hell!