Authors: Lisa Ladew
Tags: #General Fiction
All of the strength ran out of Mica's limbs. Darcia wriggled out from underneath her and ran down the hallway, but Mica couldn't even bring herself to care.
Mica couldn't believe that suddenly, her own father didn't seem that bad anymore.
Mica
Mica stood up on wobbly legs, grabbed the gun that she had taken off of Darcia, and stepped into the office.
Knox stared at his father, hate in his eyes, his bloody hands clenched into fists at his sides, his chest heaving up and down with the force of his labored breathing.
Daxton and Bronx wore identical stricken expressions of disgust and aversion, as they too stared at their father.
"Dad, you didn't ..." Bronx muttered, watching the older man pull himself to a standing position and wipe blood off his face, eyeing Knox carefully.
Felix opened his mouth and tried to speak to his son, but a coughing fit wracked him instead. He got himself under control slowly, and when he finally spoke, his voice sounded weak and raspy.
"Your mother isn't telling the full truth," he said, causing Knox to roar and fly at him again, knocking him backwards against the wall.
Bronx and Daxton rushed forward, wrapping their arms around their brother's shoulders and hauling him backwards.
"Knox, it's not worth it man, no matter what he did, it was twenty years ago. Don't go to jail because of him," Daxton said, pulling Knox all the way around the desk, putting it between them and their father.
Felix staggered forward and put his hands on his desk, drops of blood from his busted nose and split lips spattering onto the papers there. "Hear me out," he intoned, his voice coming a little stronger now. "I never wanted to tell you boys this, but you're old enough now to handle it. Yes, I gave that baby up for adoption, and yes, I lost your mother in a poker game—"
Knox growled and lunged over the desk, teeth bared. Mica watched the scene with wide eyes, unable to believe it was really happening. Her heart broke for Knox. He was such a family man, and he loved his siblings and mother so much. Hearing about this pain and dysfunction had to be killing him, even if it was all in the past.
Daxton and Bronx kept their hold on their brother, the three men evenly matched in height, muscle, and strength. When they had pulled Knox back between them, Felix spoke again.
"I married your mother when she was very young. I was her first love, her first lover, the first man able to coax her out of her father's house. We had you, Knox, when she was only eighteen. She went on to have each of you boys, and we thought we were done. When Phoenix was just a few years old she started acting differently, expressing that she felt she had missed out on something, some wild, youthful sowing of her oats, and I was afraid I was going to lose her. Every time I came home from a mission I walked into the house with a lump in my throat, each time thinking it would be empty, she would have packed you boys up and left me in order to play the field, have fun."
Felix coughed, then bent and spit a wad of blood into a trash can before he could speak again.
"Sometimes strange men called the house or said things to her when we were out, like they knew her. I asked if she was cheating on me and she swore she wasn't but she confessed she wanted to. She worked on me day and night, trying to convince me that our traditional marriage vows were keeping us unhappy, that we should be different, adventurous. She finally convinced me to have an open relationship. I swear it was all her idea. I went along with it, although I wasn't happy about it. She was out almost every night when I was home, doing whatever it was that she did, and I stayed home with you boys. Eventually, I got lonely. I found a few companions who were willing to accept our ... situation and life went on, as fucked up as it was."
Mica's eyes snuck to Knox, wondering if he believed any of this. Seething rage still sat heavy on his face, but something else was there too. Hesitation? Doubt? Belief?
"Instead of getting it out of her system, your mom became more and more wild. I think she had begun to do drugs, even though I never found them. She even started to pick up other men right in front of me when we went out together. I put up with it for you boys, wanting to keep our family whole. She tried to convince me to engage in orgies with her, which I refused to do. One night, we went to a party at this man's house, the one who fathered Amelia Mae. Your mom flirted shamelessly with him, but he didn't pay attention to her. I had already began to dream of Rosesson Security at that time, even though I was still in the Army. We were there because the man was a venture capitalist with a record of investing in companies like the one I wanted to create, and I was trying to talk to him, see if he would be willing to invest in my idea. He wouldn't give me more than a few seconds of attention either. He started a poker game and Cordelia convinced me to get in on it. I thought it was a good idea, maybe it would be my way in with him."
Felix wiped his face with his hands, flicked the blood from it onto the floor and rolled his eyes heavenward, as if asking for strength before going on.
"The man was rich, and I barely had anything, but I sat down and bet what I thought I could come up with. Your mother was strangely excited by the whole affair, rubbing my neck and whispering dirty things into my ear the whole time, encouraging me to bet more, even though we didn't have it to bet. Your mother had never quite come to turns with life with me, which although it was middle class, it had never included the luxury that she had grown up with. I think that night, she was pretending we were as rich as her parents. We played poker for hours, and somehow I won enough to keep playing. After three in the morning, most of the players had dropped out. It was just me, Taft—that was his name—and one other man. The other man folded, leaving only the two of us. I had four of a kind, which is practically an unbeatable hand in poker, so I was feeling confident. He threw all his chips on the table and it was my bet. I couldn't match him, and didn't want to anyway. I told him we should discuss a non-monetary bet, and if I won, he would invest in my business. He thought about it for a moment, then nodded.
But what if I win?
he asked. I was stuck. I had nothing. I opened my mouth to offer up our house at the time, which I knew he wouldn't want, but I thought my hand was that good. Before I could, your mother laid across the table and said
You get me as a sex slave for a week. Anything you want.
I can still remember how I felt when she said it. I think that was my last straw. Our relationship died on that table. Taft looked at me and I could tell he was interested but he wanted me to make the bet myself. I nodded at him. She wanted to do it, I swear boys. It was her idea and I was only along for the ride. I know you don't want to hear this about your mother, and that's why I've never told you before. I don't blame her for it, she was always a little bit broken, your mother. I didn't know it when I married her, and I had no idea how far it would progress, but when I turned my hand over, and he turned his hand over, and he had four of a kind also, but my fifth card was a two and his was a ten, the delight I saw in your mother's eyes was enough to confirm all my worst fears. She went willingly, and when she came back to me after the week, I told her I wanted a divorce before I ever knew she was pregnant. I just couldn't take it anymore."
Felix's voice broke on the words and Mica trembled, wondering if she should leave the room. He hadn't even seemed to have seen her. These were deep family secrets he was spilling, and God knew she didn't want to hear them. But Knox. What was this doing to Knox? No matter what, she would be there for him.
"She tried to convince me the baby was mine, but I knew there was no way it could be. We rarely had sex anymore, because she preferred her other men over me. I knew exactly when the last time we had been intimate was, and it was a good six weeks before the doctor said she had conceived. Unknowingly, the doctor signed our divorce papers when he confirmed conception had occurred in the week she had been gone. When I got a lawyer, Cordelia broke down. She swore she never would be with another man again. She said she loved me and she wanted to start over and she swore I was the only one for her. Finally I agreed to stay with her, on one condition. I wasn't going to raise another man's baby, but I didn't want her to ever have contact with Taft either. I knew it would break me, more than I was already broken. I told her to give the baby to Taft, and she tried to do so, but he didn't want the baby. He even said there was no way the baby could be his, because they had always worn condoms. I didn't know what to think about that, but I worked with your mother to come up with a new plan. I suggested abortion, but she didn't want that. We finally decided on adoption. But we knew we wouldn't be able to hide her pregnancy, and we didn't know what to tell people. She came up with the story to tell people the baby died. She worked out an elaborate plan, even deciding that when she went into labor we would go to a hospital out of the city, so that no one would ever get news that the baby hadn't actually died. I only went along with it because I wanted your mother to be happy, and I believed that we could become a family again."
Felix looked at his boys beseechingly, his face begging them to understand. Knox's face was now set in stunned disbelief, while Daxton and Bronx both looked slightly sick.
"I never meant to take your sister from you boys. I only wanted to keep our family together. I didn't see a way out of it. I have no doubt that you boys are better men than me and could raise another man's child, but back then, I didn't see a way to do it."
When no one answered him, Felix pressed on, his head drooping towards the desk.
"Your mother did have a very hard labor. She had to have a c-section, but the baby was beautiful and perfect. Seeing that girl in the doctor's arms, I almost wavered, almost reconsidered, but I knew it would mean a daily reminder of how your mother had been, what she had done. I stayed strong and arranged the adoption through the agency we had picked. Your mother was in a lot of pain and had lost a lot of blood and was on many drugs. I had her sign the adoption paperwork before she had fully recovered herself, believing it was what she wanted, what we both wanted. But when she began to heal, it became apparent that she had a change of heart at some point, and didn't want to give up the baby. Trouble was, it was too late. The baby was gone, already with her new family. Your mother wanted me to get her back, but I didn't think we could. I didn't know who the new family was, only the people at the adoption agency did, and they weren't talking. I told your mother that, and I told her that she would feel differently when she got out of the hospital, when we got back to our lives. I was wrong. I admit that now. I made a huge mistake, but the more time that passed, the less I could do about it. I brought her home, thinking she would get better, but she only got worse, and over time, she created a new history in her mind. Somehow she convinced herself that she was blameless in all of it. That I was a monster who forced her to do what she did. I can see it in her eyes when she looks at me. If your mother told you that I forced her to do all of those things, that is because she believes it. But I swear to you, son, that's not how it really happened. I don't want you thinking bad about your mother. You can keep your low opinion of me, I'm used to it, I can handle it, but your mother needs you, son. She needs all you boys. I told you the truth because I know you can handle it now, and I don't want you ruining your life by killing me, but please don't blame your mother."
Felix locked his eyes on Knox, his gaze begging for understanding, for faith. Mica looked at Knox, and all she saw there was torment.
Knox
Knox pulled away from his brothers, a huge, despairing, formless noise coming from his throat as he turned and rushed towards the door.
Could it be true?
He couldn't even come to terms with the fact that the baby hadn't really died, and now his father was expecting him to believe that his mother had been ... had been ... Knox punched himself on the thigh, hard, as he fled the room, because there was nothing else to punch, nothing else to do. He had gone to his father's home, fully intending to kill him, but instead had heard something so awful it made his blood curdle with disgust and indecision.
Did he believe it? He didn't know. His mind swam with distrust, with denial as he ran without looking where he was going. Knox slammed into the wall of the hallway opposite his father's office and stayed there, splatted there, then sank to the ground, unwilling to deal with any of it.
He popped to his feet again and somehow made it down the stairs. The painting he had thrown earlier lay discarded on the carpet near his feet. Knox picked it up and threw it again towards the fireplace. It made a satisfying crunch when it hit. Knox grabbed another painting from the wall and heaved it across the room at the window. This one had a metal frame and it shattered the glass in the window outwards, causing the dogs in the yard to bark.
Knox roared out his pain and frustration in a wordless howl that ripped across the room, making the dogs bark more. Knox overturned his father's grand dining room table, then picked up one of the chairs and pitched it out the broken window.
Was his father telling the truth, or lying through his asshole teeth? Both possibilities were absolutely unacceptable to Knox. With one sweep of his arm, he whipped every picture and piece of art off of the mantle of the fireplace, then pulled a display shelf off the wall and threw it, barely hearing the footsteps that were coming down the stairs.