The Best You'll Ever Have (2 page)

I believe that open, honest, straightforward talk should be the norm in all relationships. This must include sex talk. Otherwise, you carry on, not enjoying sex as much as you could. Resentment and/or boredom grow. The result: isolation within a relationship. It seems contradictory to have fear and silence in a love union. It’s not healthy, but as I’ve learned, it is typical.

When I was in my early twenties, I had a boyfriend who was enthusiastic in bed, but he had the attention span of a flea. He’d leap from one thing to the next too quickly. I’d just be getting into his hand motions when he’d suddenly change pace or completely stop to start something else. It was unsatisfying for me, but he seemed to be having a great time. “I should be enjoying this,” I kept thinking. He was doing his best, after all. In frustration, I tried to keep him on track by saying, “That feels fantastic” and “That’s perfect.” But he didn’t take the hint. It must be me, I decided. I take too long to get into a groove. It’s my fault. I vowed to just get used to it. I didn’t get the chance though. He dumped me for an ex-girlfriend. I was stunned. Our sex life didn’t come up in the “it’s not you, it’s me” exit interview, but I wondered if he knew it wasn’t good for me. His no-longer-ex must have been happy with his style. The fault rested in my lap. Again, something was wrong with me.

The end of a relationship always raises questions. You can see why I was busy asking myself, “Am I normal?” at the conclusion of this one. I decided that the matter was too important to wonder about. If I was ever going to have the kind of open, honest relationship I wanted I knew I’d have to figure out what normal was and how to better communicate. So I set about learning everything I could about relationships and sex. I talked openly with a few close friends about these issues, and I found out that they had the same problems and concerns. When I saw that our culture was shifting to a more open discussion about sex, I knew that I could help make that discussion happen. I was sure there was a lot of information out there that needed to be made more accessible. I read every book I could find about sex and relationships (still do). I attended workshops and interviewed gynecologists and urologists. I read medical journals and talked to the doctors who authored the studies. I interviewed every type of sex worker. I’m social by nature. I can talk to anyone, about anything. I’ve found that no topic interests people as much as sex. Once people see you as a nonjudgmental, interested stranger, they’ll tell you anything—far more than they’ll tell friends—and it was all very fascinating and informative.

Meanwhile, all of this research cut severely into my day job at the advertising agency. So I quit. I took a deep breath and called my mother and told her what I’d done. “Great,” she said. “What are you going to do?” Suddenly I realized that she thought I’d landed a bigger, better advertising job at another agency. I didn’t know what to say. I’d never talked to her about sex since we’d had “the talk” when I was a kid. Nervous as hell, I blurted out, “I’m going to start a business. For women. A sex information and sex toy business. Not sleazy. Like something you’ve never seen. In the same format as Mary Kay or Tupperware but high-end. Sophisticated and affordable. Chic and smart. Useful information and pretty products. Nice packaging.” Mom said nothing. I’d stunned her silent. “Are you still there?” I asked terrified that she’d hung up.

“I’m here,” she said. “I’m just thinking about it. You know, I think it could work.” She actually believed that my company could fill a need in the marketplace. I can’t tell you how important her support has been to me.

Most of my female friends and coworkers cheered me on too. But my straight male friends and associates (and, it followed, many of the bankers and investors I sought out for financing) thought I’d lost my mind. They didn’t see what need my business would fulfill, and they didn’t believe women would want to host Safina Salons in their living rooms. And they definitely didn’t think I’d sell anything or be able to find salespeople. I heard the same “It’ll never fly” dozens of times from men. Each time, I have to admit, it hurt.

But they were wrong. I eventually found an important supporter who believed in my idea—my dear friend John. John had experience starting up small businesses. His guidance and confidence kept me going (John, this is my official “thank you a million times, I couldn’t have done it without you”). With his business-end support, I devoted myself completely to my sexual education. And that quickly evolved into the pursuit of educating others.

A Company Is Born

After my book research, I had to go into the field to buy and sample sex toys. To inspire me, I bought a big blue dildo and kept it on my desk. I stared at it when I was on the phone and as I collected the product sources and catalogs. It startled me when I entered and left the room at first. It was so big, so blue, so penis-like. When the doorbell rang, I’d hurl it into the closet. After a few days though, I got used to it. My cleaning lady, however, wasn’t prepared for the shock.

“Oh my god!” she screamed when she came in and saw it for the first time.

“What?” I asked. Immediately, I saw where her bugged-out eyes were staring. I was mortified. My newfound comfort level was shattered. “Oh, Lisa, don’t worry about that,” I said. “It’s for my new job. I work at home now.”

She looked at me with rank horror.

I realized what I’d just said.

I said, “Wait a minute. You don’t think I’m working
with
that, at home?” I shook my head. “No, it’s not like that.”

She tilted her head now. Very confused. I picked up the dildo and said, “It’s just plastic. I’m going to sell these to women who need them.”

Lisa had heard more than enough. She said, “I don’t want to know. I’ll just dust. You get out of here and I’ll just dust.”

A few weeks later, my mantle was crammed with sex toys from all over the world. I’d been buying each and every sex appliance I could find and was gathering quite a collection (eventually honed way down for Safina’s catalogue). I came home one afternoon just as Lisa was leaving “Okay, I’m ready to listen now. What is this new job?” she asked.

I sat her down and explained things. Shocked as she’d been when she first saw Big Blue, it couldn’t have equaled my surprise when Lisa asked if I could recommend a product for her. As soon as she asked, I knew I was in the right business.

Talk to Me

I developed Safina Sex-Ed Salons for women so that I could teach women about anatomy and physiology and introduce them to toys in a comfortable, nurturing environment (that is, someone’s living room and not a gross, dark wrong-side-of-the-tracks porn store). What ultimately transpired: I learned just as much from the women I thought I was educating as they learned from me. I was starting to get a firm answer to the question that started it all, sorting out “normal” as I went along.

The women-only Salons are parties in people’s living rooms. Cheese and wine are served, and the Safina Specialist leads a discussion about sex. Like at Tupperware parties, the Safina rep brings samples of various sex toys to show women what they are and what they can do. I’ve heard people refer to our Salons as “fuckerware parties,” which doesn’t capture the tone of them at all, and sounds crass to boot. There is a sales component, but our Salons are about much more than hawking product.

Safina Salons combine sex information with storytelling. We introduce a subject, say, the G-spot, and a roomful of women start swapping the tales of their adventures. The Salons are always funny, surprising, exciting, and liberating. The more I did, the more I heard common themes in women’s stories. Once they are comfortable, the guests told stories of confusion and fumbling, of sudden discoveries and intimate confessions. Friends who have known the confessors for years would shout, “I didn’t know that!” and “You never told me that before” and then launch into stories of their own. The silence around sex was broken. Smiles and laughs would burst forth. Talking about anatomy, technique, and how to tell your guy what you want isn’t just a fun way to pass an evening. It’s useful. It sweeps away the shame, and everyone leaves a Salon feeling energized, connected, and exhilarated (and often ready for action).

Over time, I got the Web site off the ground (
www.safina.com
), acquired a warehouse, and set up professional shipping. I started to build a national sales force of Safina Specialists who do Safina Salons in their areas. We continue to grow even in states where you’d think people didn’t even have sex, much less talk about it.

The Oldest Thing in the World Is Still New

Better sit-ups are always being invented. It’s hard to believe that with all our technology and medical advances, we haven’t mastered our understanding of stomach muscles. Just goes to show you: we’re continuously improving and upgrading. The human body is complicated. The established “best” ways to feed it and develop it change all the time. Think of nutrition: ten years ago, it was low fat. Nuts were evil and bacon would kill you. Two years ago, it was low carb, with nuts and bacon on top of the To Eat list. Now, the movement is heading back toward low fat. You can see shifts in everything, every style and invention. Ten years ago, luggage didn’t have wheels without tipping over. Wrinkles didn’t have Botox. The world of invention and education never stops spinning. If there’s always going to be a better kitchen gadget, there will always be new ideas about sex.

I am convinced, however, that the most progress we can make in discovering more about sex is by talking to each other. If we shared our stories with our friends on a regular basis, we’d reduce the amount of stumbling around and stressful trial and error that we all go through. Our collective knowledge and confidence would rise along with our happiness. Back to the idea of “normal”: if you knew for sure that each of your friends shared your sexual quirks or desires, you wouldn’t feel unsettled about them, would you? It’s human nature to fear being different, while at the same time, Americans prize individuality. It’s complicated. But much less so if we air out our concerns.
Making sex
a normal, everyday topic erases fear and doubt.
Knowing that you are normal, as it turns out, has an enormous effect on how you see yourself, how you enjoy sex, and how close you feel to your partner.

You Decide What’s Normal

In intimate relationships, women are the gatekeepers of physical intimacy. If you think about it, this makes perfect sense since we are the ones whose bodies can change as a result of that intimacy. But this simple fact extends to how relationships work overall. Women are often the moral compasses of relationships. We tend to be the leaders in opinions on what is and isn’t acceptable or nice. Even when I was in school I could see this. The kids who really determined girls’ reputations weren’t the boys, but the other girls.

In order to change how sexuality is viewed in society, we must start with how women see things. Where sex is concerned, it is both our traditional role and our biological imperative to be cautious. Caution often determines what we will and won’t let happen with our partners, even when it comes to conversation and exploration.