The Best You'll Ever Have (10 page)

THEY ARE AFRAID TO GIVE THEIR PARTNER HELPFUL SUGGESTIONS.

THEY ARE AFRAID TO TOUCH THEMSELVES

URING SEX.

In both cases, what ruins their fun is fear.

Amanda, and thousands of women like her, get into bed afraid of what will go wrong, instead of excited about what will go right. She’s terrified about being greedy for pleasure. She’s afraid that her partner will think she’s a pervert or slut if she tells him what to do or (God forbid) shows him by touching herself; that even the slightest suggestion that he isn’t hitting the right spot will make him cower, shrink, or cry like a baby; that the male ego is an eggshell; or that he’ll resent her desire for satisfaction and think of her as demanding and selfish, whether it’s for more time and less pressure or for him to do a certain thing.

I may sound combative, but I don’t mean to. I know women are under a lot of pressure to get a man and to keep him. I have a mother who wants grandchildren. I understand exactly what it feels like to want to hold onto a man and to be afraid of losing him. But I also know that sacrificing your sexual satisfaction will not keep him around, nor will faking to make him think he’s satisfying you. I, for one, would rather be single forever (sorry, Mom) if the relationship I was in didn’t give my orgasms equal time. And I certainly don’t want to marry a man with whom I don’t feel comfortable enough to tell him or show him what works for me. Imagine a lifetime of faking orgasms, trying to sleep afterward, being too unsatisfied to rest, and even sneaking into the bathroom after sex to masturbate. Lying, deceiving, and only hurting yourself. Ecch. What a dismal way to live.

Consider the alternative: great orgasms, open communication, mutual satisfaction, and deeper connection. Of course, a new man doesn’t know your body’s ins and outs right away, but he wants to be told what he can do for you. He’s watching you to see what effect this move or that has on you. He doesn’t expect you to like all of them. He’s working on trial and error and would appreciate any guidance you can give. Believe me: he wants to be good at this. He wants to send you deep into a red-hot sea of lust and pleasure. He
lives
for it! A turned-on woman is the ultimate turn-on for a man. You could blow him for five hours straight, and he won’t get as excited by it as he would from watching and feeling you come against his hand, lips, or penis or with the help of one of Safina’s very lovely accessories for your lust life (more on that later).

Every now and then you might come across (as it were) a guy who does know what to do. That’s nice (hell, it’s amazing!), but just because his skills give you a free pass from having to communicate your needs doesn’t mean you should keep your mouth shut. Even if he’s a genius in bed, if you talk more about what feels good, you’ll both discover new tricks and add to your repertoire.

Practice Makes Perfect

One of the reasons women are so often frustrated by men’s ineptitude is because they believe men know more about sex than women. Wrong. Well, let me take that back. Men do know themselves better than most women know themselves. Men start masturbating earlier. They aren’t taught to avoid or fear their own body parts like many women are. Unlike most women I’ve talked to, men aren’t embarrassed that they are experienced masturbators. Almost all adult men know that spanking the monkey and having orgasms is normal and that
not
masturbating is weird and wrong. They feel no shame for normal body maintenance—and that’s really what orgasms are for men. Get up in the morning, brush the teeth, check the gut in the mirror, and jerk off into the toilet. Or into a tissue. Or in the shower. Men will have an orgasm whenever there’s a little free time before or after work. They do,
because they can.

Meanwhile, women often have guilt, shame, and discomfort about masturbation. Our society is really weird about sex, as I’ve mentioned before, especially about women’s bodies. We’re obsessed and yet we’re silent and restrictive. Your negative views around masturbation go back into childhood: every time you were told not to touch yourself, every time you were discouraged from asking about it. Boys, on the other hand, grew up encouraged to masturbate by their friends and even their fathers who told them it was normal. While you spent your youth avoiding the area, worried about your hymen, afraid of getting pregnant, and trying to be a normal nice girl, boys were spending their free time becoming experts on their own orgasms. Seventy-five percent of boys hear about masturbating before they ever try it. When did you first hear about it? Did you ever hear about it now from an actual person (putting magazines and books aside for a moment)? Ninety percent of American boys have 2.3 orgasms a week by the time they are 15. Twenty-three percent of girls have one orgasm per week by the time they are 15. Plenty of women have their first orgasm after college. We aren’t slow learners. We just shirked practice.

As grown women, we continue to be uptight and proud of it. As we grow up, we think in terms of being a good girl or a bad girl and that thinking stays with us. What does being a “good girl” do for you once you’re out of high school? It’s a childish concept. But now we’re adults. Let’s stop thinking in terms of good and bad and try these questions instead: Am I happy? Am I satisfied? Am I healthy?

Despite the fact that good sex is the key to good health and the glue in any monogamous relationship, women still frequently dismiss the importance of their own physical pleasure as if it didn’t matter. Meg Ryan’s Sally character explained faking an orgasm as an easy way to make the man feel good. And what about Sally feeling good? That wasn’t even an issue.

Women can have orgasms as easily as men. To do so, they have to learn their own responses as well as men. Men have a head (hand?) start with masturbating, but women can catch up. For women to become accomplished, we must first think differently, starting with the language of it. Every woman hates the word “masturbate” as much as I do. It’s almost as horrible as “horny.” It took me years to be able to say it out loud. I still don’t like the sound of it, despite the fact I say it many times during a Salon. It’s just a word, a superficial thing. But, in hating to use the word, women are inhibited in our thinking, our ability to talk about it and, yes, even do it.

Men have a million euphemisms. They’re cheerful, creative, silly, and so often about animals. Spank the monkey, drain the snake, choke the chicken. They have some good gender-neutral euphemisms: “master of my domain” from
Seinfeld
is still one of my favorites. Then there’s my friend Carey’s favorite, “taking a solo flight,” or the new age-intoned “moving my chi.” The only female-exclusive euphemism I know that isn’t offensive is “polishing the pearl.” My friend and coauthor Val likes “taking some private time” or “going bowling.”

So let’s talk about one of life’s great pleasures without any negative judgment attached. Pick a euphemism. Any euphemism. Whatever works for you.

The Solo Flight

There’s a mistaken notion that solo flights are only for when we’re not in a relationship. Back to
When Harry Met Sally.
Remember Sally confronting one of her many boyfriends about his masturbation during their relationship? She whined, “Aren’t I enough for you?” while looking incredibly hurt and feeling horrible about herself. He said, “Oh, come on, don’t tell me you don’t masturbate anymore since we got together.” “I don’t,” she insisted back, as though this were a virtue. She went to Harry and told him how upset she was and how wrong her boyfriend was, and Harry said, “Everyone does it. It’s normal.” And he was right. It is normal. Not just for men but for everyone.

Sally’s idea that being in a relationship changes things is part of the female tendency to put pressure on their relationships to satisfy every need. The dream that a girl grows up with is that someday she’ll meet a man and he’ll take care of her in every way she needs and she’ll take care of him. A very nice idea. And it is true that, in a healthy relationship, you can take care of him and he can take care of you. But you are and always will be in charge of your orgasms. You should have as many as you can with and without the guy you love.

Solo flights take the pressure off the relationship in the same way you blow off steam bitching to your girlfriend about his leaving socks on the floor. With a solo flight, you don’t have to be in the same place at the same time or in the same mood. Expecting him to be totally responsible for your satisfaction is like saying he’s the only friend you’ll ever need. It’s an unreasonable pressure, and it won’t make either of you happy. Always keep your friends
and
your solo flights. Encourage your man to do the same. That’s healthy independence. No one can live up to the pressure of completely satisfying the needs of another person. That’s unhealthy dependence. Who wants to be on the receiving or giving end of that?

Masters and Johnson have noted that many women have their most intense orgasms when alone. I’ve heard similar claims at Safina Salons. Maybe that’s due to the lack of distractions, pressures, and worries that often accompany sex with a partner. Katisha, 31, a mother of one, told a Salon group, “I know when to go faster, or slower. I don’t have to hope he’ll listen to my breathing and I don’t have to worry about what he’s thinking. I’m the best I’ve ever had.”

AN INTENSE ORGASM IS A GIFT TO GIVE YOURSELF THAT ALWAYS FITS, AND IT WILL CHANGE YOUR OUTLOOK AS WELL AS YOUR LOOKS.
Try it on. Here are a few things to keep
in mind before going it alone:

Just as you allot time to do your nails, pluck your eyebrows,
and apply makeup, you must give adequate time to a solo flight.
It should be a relaxing sojourn. Joy can’t be rushed. As with everything else you do to take care of yourself, the benefits of a solo flight will show themselves in your appearance. You will look better, and you’ll feel fabulous.

Explore.
Try lots of different tempos, fingers, strokes, vibrators, dildos, lubricants, etc. Switch between hands, go towards the clitoris, around it, the sides of it, try something inside while moving around the outside at the same time. Don’t just find something you like. Find everything you like! (Regarding lubricants and vibrators, see chapter 7 for useful dos and don’ts.)

Let your mind wander.
Fantasies will come and go. Good. Don’t pressure yourself over what images or storylines are right. Daydreams really don’t have anything to do with real life so don’t judge yourself. If one image isn’t working, move on to something else.

Enjoy the journey.
Like a long bath, a facial, or a massage, a solo flight is for relaxation and good mind/body maintenance. Relax and enjoy every second, and your body will follow. Let go of any goal. Orgasms come out of nowhere when you’re having fun (like all good things), but they can’t be forced. If you chase your orgasm, it will hide. They are stubborn like that.

I don’t want anything for myself, I just want to make you happy.