The Best You'll Ever Have (16 page)

Mark told me this last year. He also told me what his obsessions were. Honestly, a little light bondage just isn’t that deviant. I’ll bet dollars to doughnuts his wife would have gone along if they had worked out some rules beforehand. And their marriage would have been saved. The blame lies with Mark’s inability to communicate, but he must have been picking up judgmental signals from his wife too. What ended the marriage wasn’t the lack of sex itself. It was the lack of communication. No telling if they would have come to a sexual impasse or not, since the conversation never happened. It may come to pass that, for all your encouragement, he suggests a sexual activity you do not want to do. Try to negotiate, find some wiggle room, compromise to meet everyone’s needs. But if you can’t come to an agreement and the relationship can’t withstand your differences, at least you were both honest and considerate instead of distant and secretive. Isn’t that a better, more mature way to go out than living in shame and fear? You bet it is, and you’ll be that much more prepared to start a new relationship.

The Male Multiple Orgasm

Women can flow from one orgasm to the next because we don’t require recovery time. The blood rushes to our genitals, muscles spasm, tension is released, blood flows away. But with breathing and focus, the blood can flow immediately back and women can come again.

Men have a different experience. Blood rushes to their genitals, muscles spasm, the penis ejaculates. With ejaculation, semen spurts and blood rushes out of the penis (all that blood is what makes it hard in the first place). He goes limp and needs a resting period to get hard again.

HOWEVER, it is possible—but not easy—for men to have the muscle spasm without ejaculation. Disconnecting the two reflexes, allowing muscle spasm but delaying ejaculation, is the basis of a male multiple orgasm (MMO). His multiple orgasm, to clarify, isn’t repeated ejaculation. No man alive can spew his load and then twenty seconds later live to spew again. MMO is all about making orgasm and ejaculation two separate things. To prolong his pleasure by traversing a landscape of little peaks that eventually reach a heavenly summit, as opposed to the usual scaling Mount Everest then exploding and collapsing. Similar but different from women’s multiple orgasms.

Separating muscle spasm from ejaculation is a very old idea actually. MMO was originally introduced in Chinese Taoist philosophy during the Chou Dynasty (770–222 B.C.). It’s way too complicated to explain in detail, but suffice it to say, much of those teachings were incorporated into Tantra, an Eastern sexual practice made famous by Sting and his wife Trudy. Basically, the Taoists believed everyone has yin and yang energies inside them and that both forces must be in balance for a person to be healthy. Yang is male, yin is female. You’ve probably seen the Taoist black and white circle symbol, a white paisley with a black spot hugged against a black paisley with a white spot. To get more yin (female) energy, men were taught to have sex as often as possible but to hold off on ejaculating, which would let go of too much yang (the male energy that they thought they had limited supplies of). So men started practicing sex techniques that allowed them to absorb a lot of yin (from female orgasms) without ejaculating out their yang. In other words, they learned to separate their own orgasm spasms from ejaculation.

MMO dates back to a time when sexual fluids were considered “sacred” and part of religious ritual. Masturbation was considered a dangerous waste of male or female energy. Of course, nowadays we know that our fluids are forever self-replenishing and that masturbation keeps our organs in proper working order. Some of the attitudes from ancient times are best left in the past. But there are also bits of gold among the dross. MMO is a solid chunk of the good stuff.

Male Multiple Orgasm for NOW

MMO is counterintuitive. Why delay ejaculation when it feels so excellent? Imagine, if you will, delaying that pleasure, prolonging and stretching the tension, hanging on the edge of explosion (the best part), and then, after all that, having a volcanic meltdown that will make you believe wholeheartedly in the glory of God and true love? Yeah, why would anyone want to do
that?

Granted, you don’t get such joys easily. It takes study and commitment. For a man to learn to separate his orgasm spasms from ejaculation he has to practice on his own, just like you need to locate your G-spot for yourself before you can reliably show him. Once he’s practiced a bit, here’s what the two of you can try:

By intercourse or other methods, he should get to the point just before orgasm and stop, but not in the “quick, think about baseball” method he probably uses now. This is a physical cessation. As he starts to orgasm/spasm, he should clench his PC muscles. The PC muscles are what men and women use to stop the flow of urine. On men, tightened PC muscles can cut off the flow of ejaculatory fluid from the prostate.

You can’t do anything about his PC muscle strength (Kegel exercises will do wonders for him too, but you should stop stimulating his penis while he’s clenching his PC muscles by staying still. Drop whatever you’re doing, and he’ll have an easier time containing himself. He can tell you to hold off by giving you a signal (a word, a squeeze), or you can feel when it’s time to hold off when you feel the base of the penis start to rumble. Developing a signal system is just another way to communicate well and improve intimacy, stay in the moment, and keep enjoying yourselves. Remember too that this is all in good fun. Nothing could be worse than approaching sex like a job that has to be done right. Stay in the spirit of things or the spell will be broken.

Position allowing, at that first rumble, firmly press upward on his prostate (yes, via the anus). This move is called “the finger lock” by Douglas and Rachel Abrams, authors of
The Multi-Orgasmic
Man.
Use the three middle fingers of your right hand, press upward, and hold. Err on the side of gentleness, of course. It’s much more important not to hurt him than to stop his prostate from releasing fluid. He can let you know if pressing harder would be okay next time. And there should be a next time. The fun is in the trying as much as the succeeding, as long as you and your partner agree to look at it that way.

Also keep in mind that prostate trouble can start or be worsened by fluid buildup within the gland. Regular ejaculation helps wash out those fluids, and researchers suggest that sudden changes in ejaculation frequency can trigger prostate problems. So keep all good things in moderation as usual.

A Top Ten List of Other,
Less Trodden Erogenous Zones

His chin

The path between his earlobes and the hollow
by his collarbone

The nape of his neck

The inside of his elbows

The length of his spine

His inner thighs

The pulse points on his wrists

The space between his fingers and toes

His balls—some men love to have them cradled
or kissed

His hair—gently lifted away from the scalp and
slowly released all over his head

Tush Talk

When I hit junior high school, I started to see
boys as sexual objects. My girlfriends and I hashed over their attributes and spent hours arguing about which boy was the “cutest.” We actually constructed a point system based on their hair, eyes, smiles (point detracted for braces), and clothes (we worked within the narrow range of style for the Hampton Middle School). Should a boy successfully meet our minimal point requirements, we would then turn our conversation to deeper, more important masculine distinctions: his butt.

Chapter 6

The ultimate compliment for a boy was, “He has a cute butt.” The boys seemed to be aware that this appraisal carried extra weight. Of course, we didn’t bother casting our eyes below a guy’s belt if he had bad acne or dressed lamely. He had to qualify first on our ridiculous rating system. We never said, “He’s a dog-faced loser, but what a great ass!” An attractive posterior was not a saving grace. It was the final vote of approval, the watershed element that turned an acceptable guy into a lust-worthy hottie.

Every woman can easily remember that one boy from eight grade—the one every girl in class found unattainably, intimidatingly desirable. And, I ask you now, looking back with the hindsight (as it were) of the years, whether that grade A boy had a grade A ass. Of course he did. He probably still does. Cue to sigh heavily like a 15-year-old girl.

Do NOT Go There

A man’s ass. Indeed, it can be a beautiful thing. I openly admire men’s rear ends on the subway, walking down the street, on line at Starbucks. But in terms of concrete (versus abstract) interest in a particular man, the cute butt issue is still an afterthought for me. He’s got to be attractive in other areas first (surprisingly—shamefully?—many of those junior high qualifications still apply) before I survey his butt. Serious tush surveillance is, after all, deeply intimate. Considering the contours of his caboose is one small step away from thinking about touching it.