The Best of Down Goes Brown (14 page)
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Authors: Sean McIndoe
Determining Whether a Goal Should Count: The NHL War Room's Top-Secret Flow Chart
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It's become a familiar scene over the years. A goal is scored, the defending team complains, the officials huddle up, and soon everyone is making their way over to the penalty box for a dramatic phone call. It's time to talk to the NHL's “war room” in Toronto, where various league officials will decide whether or not the goal should count.
But do fans really know what happens next? Sure, we all wait around, and eventually a decision is announced. But the actual review process is considered top secret. Fans have come to assume that the delay involves a rigorous review process in which league officials pore over every available angle, looking for even the slightest detail that could prove to be conclusive.
It turns out it's not quite that complicated. The NHL officials in the war room simply consult a simple flow chart that guides them through the various possible outcomes. And as luck would have it, I happen to have obtained a copy.
Know Your Sports: The NHL vs. MLB
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October has often been called the best month on the sports calendar. For hockey fans, that's because the long off-season is finally over and the games that matter have started. But for other sports fans, October is special because of the baseball playoffs and the World Series.
Most hockey fans wouldn't dream of switching over to a baseball game after waiting all summer for the NHL season to start, but others are no doubt tempted to tune in knowing that a championship is on the line. So if you're a hockey fan who's thinking about checking out some action on the diamond, here's a handy guide to some of the subtle differences between the two sports to help you follow the action:
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By late October, twenty-eight teams have already been eliminated from championship contention.
By late October, no teams have been eliminated from championship contention, with the exception of Edmonton.
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Commissioner Bud Selig has been accused of having a conflict of interest in the games, since his family holds an ownership stake in the Milwaukee Brewers.
Commissioner Gary Bettman has never been accused of having any interest in the games at all.
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“Blocking the plate” can get you seriously injured if you are a catcher and there is a close play at home.
Blocking the plate” can get you seriously injured if you are dining with Dustin Byfuglien.
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If you see the defense standing around helplessly while a player circles the bases before scoring, you'll know that batter has hit a home run.
If you see the defense standing around helplessly while a player circles the rink before scoring, you'll know that Steven Stamkos is playing.
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It took the sport a generation to recover from the cancellation of the 1994 World Series due to a players' strike led by hard-line union head Donald Fehr.
I'm sure whoever's heading up the NHLPA these days would never do something like that.
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In both 2010 and 2011, the Texas Rangers won their first two playoff rounds under the leadership of popular manager Ron Washington.
Nobody with “Washington” on their jersey ever wins two playoff rounds in the same season.
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Outdoor games are sometimes cancelled due to rain.
Outdoor games are played even if it's raining, because come on, it's not like anybody is going to get hurt out there.
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Both hands with palms down waved across the front of the body is the signal that the umpire has called a runner safe.
Both hands with palms down waved across the front of the body is the signal that it was a bad idea to try to fight Arron Asham.
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A player who manages four different types of hits in the same game is said to have “hit for the cycle.”
A player who manages four different hits in the same game is said to have “been scheduled for a hearing with Brendan Shanahan.”
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They call it the “foul pole,” even though if the ball hits it, it's not actually foul. This is fascinating according to every single baseball fan ever.
They call it the “goal post,” even though if the puck hits it, it's not actually a goal. Nobody cares because we have other things to talk about.
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You can tell who gets to host game seven of the World Series by checking which league won that season's all-star game.
You can tell who gets to host game seven of the Stanley Cup final by checking which city's local businesses are hurriedly boarding up all their windows.
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“Defensive indifference” refers to a play in which a runner is not credited with a stolen base because the defense did not make an effort to throw him out.
Defensive indifference” is the title of last season's Toronto Maple Leafs highlight DVD.
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Fans look forward to a mid-game tradition called the “seventh-inning stretch,” in which everyone stands around and listens to a song from 1908.
Fans look forward to a mid-game tradition called
Coach's Corner
, in which everyone stands around and listens to opinions from 1908.
The Pros and Cons of Fighting in The NHL
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It's the oldest argument in hockey: Should the NHL crack down on fighting? The debate has spanned decades, filled thousands of newspapers pages, and dominated TV and radio broadcasts.
In recent years the stakes have gone up, as research into head injuries seems to suggest that fighting could contribute to long-term health problems in players. Combine that with the diminishing role of enforcers in the modern game, and some opponents of fighting feel the time is right to finally abolish it.
While the debate always leads to plenty of heated rhetoric, there's little evidence of anyone ever actually changing his mind on the topic. But maybe it doesn't have to be that way. I've spoken to experts on both sides of the issue, and I've captured their best arguments below.
For the first time, here are both sides of hockey's greatest debate presented side by side. Maybe, just maybe, we can settle this once and for all:
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Banning fighting would eliminate the chance of a fight between Brad Marchand and Raffi Torres that the linesmen could just “forget” to break up.
Fights are nothing more than quasi-exciting but ultimately demeaning sideshows that don't showcase any actual hockey skills and have no place in the gameâand these days we have the shoot-out for that.
Without the threat of fighting, noble enforcers like Arron Asham and Trevor Gillies would be unable to protect their teammates from despicable cheap-shot artists like Arron Asham and Trevor Gillies.
Let's face it, nobody really likes having fighting in the game except for ignorant know-nothings like fans, most general managers and coaches, and virtually every single player.
Getting rid of fighting would just result in every episode of
Coach's Corner
being nothing more than a seven-minute diatribe about no-touch icing.
If punching somebody in the face at a hockey game is outlawed, only outlaws will punch somebody in the face at a hockey game. And Flyer fans. Actually, mostly Flyer fans.
If we just hold off on doing anything to address the rapidly growing list of players lost to concussions for another year or two, all of us will eventually get to play in the NHL for a few games.
Fighting is an outdated concept that may have made sense for previous generations, but has no place in the modern game, like goalies playing without masks or an NHL team in Quebec City.
The inability to regularly write simplistic and condescending anti-fighting columns could spell the end of the already struggling newspaper industry.
Studies have shown that a total ban on fighting would increase hockey viewership by 20 percent in the southern United States, because Tom says he's pretty sure he'd start watching.
Hey, remember when they had fighting in
NHL 93
and then they took it out for
NHL 94
? Which one did you like better? Exactly.
In addition to being overpaid and overrated based on his Stanley Cup run, Niemi is known to snore loudly on team flights and often plays bad Finnish pop music on the Sharks' team stereo.
(Author's note: Wait, sorry, this should have been listed as an “Antti-fighting” argument.)
Players engaging in fights face the possibility of devastating injury and even long-term disability, which is a risk that I as a fan sitting on my couch at home have decided I am willing to accept.
Eliminating fighting would send a strong message to impressionable children that settling a dispute by knocking somebody unconscious with your fists is unacceptable; instead, use your rock-solid shoulder pad like a gentleman would.
An NHLer's Guide to Never saying Anything Interesting
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If you're a National Hockey League personality, odds are you spend much of your day with a microphone in your face and somebody asking you a question. Many newcomers interpret this as an invitation to share their honest thoughts and opinions. It's not.
In fact, there are only a few dozen acceptable answers to any hockey-related question, and you'll be expected to simply choose the right one and recite it verbatim. Sure, some will accuse you of speaking in clichés, but it's better than the alternative: revealing yourself to have an actual personality, and being torn to shreds for it.
So for those of you who may be new to life in the NHL, here's a quick guide to the sort of things that are acceptable to say, and what you should avoid saying:
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“Wow, a player on our team just committed a sickening act of violence for which he will surely be suspended.”
“I can't comment on that, since I haven't seen the replay.”
“Because there was blood and bone fragments all over the scoreboard.”
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“Did we pay that guy too much? I think we paid that guy too much. Let me see the contract again. Oh man, we paid that guy
way
too much.”
“As per team policy, financial terms were not disclosed.”
“Even though they'll be posted on CapGeek seven seconds after you read this.”
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“Sure, fighting Zdeno Chara sounds like a super idea!”
“I think I'll just curl up in a little ball under my bench where it's safe.”
“Hey, where'd this puddle come from?”
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“Even though we're in last place and have lost seventeen games in a row, I'm not allowed to waive my no-trade clause because my wife says she really likes the shopping in this city.”
“I am absolutely committed to this team and want to win a championship here.”
“Yes, honey, I was just ⦠No, just talking to some reporters and ⦠Yes, dear, of course, I'll be home immediately.”
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“This player is lazy, doesn't try hard, stops caring entirely for weeks at a time, and all his teammates want to strangle him.”
“This player is enigmatic.”
“That's Russian for âtotal head case,' right?”
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“Our coach has been fired? Hallelujah! Now maybe we can all start trying again!”
“It's always tough to see somebody lose his job.”
“Now quick, somebody help me set his office on fire before they change their minds.”
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“I'm pretty sure that after that latest hit, our star player might be dead.”
“He is questionable to return after suffering an upper-body injury.”
“In the sense that, technically, his upper body was the last-known location of his head.”
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“Hey, you know what would be fantastic? If my defensemen could go one shift without turning the puck over, screening me, and then deflecting slap shots past me. Can we maybe try that once, guys, just for a change?”
“We win as a team, and we lose as a team.”
“And after looking at this team, I've decided to go fight Brent Johnson.”
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We are completely hopeless.”
“Hey, we just need a few bounces to go our way!”
“Like, if the other team's bus bounced off of the overpass on the way to the game, we could probably pick up a point.”
