The BEDMAS Conspiracy (10 page)

“Maybe we'll sign some autographs,” said Meena.

“I'm willing to kiss my fans,” said Sludge generously.

It sounded like fun! Lisa, Janine, and Sarah were organizing the festivities. Amazingly, Principal Losman agreed to cancel last period so we could all meet in the gym and celebrate. But first, he insisted on having a meeting with the band.

“He wants to see us during lunch time,” said Daniela.

I swore I saw Sludge elbow Eldrick in the ribs.

“We can't make it, man,” said Sludge.

“Why not? This is important,” I told them.

“We, uh...umm. We, uh…” Sludge fumbled for words.

“I'm tutoring Sludge in geography,” said Eldrick.

Something sounded fishy. “You're tutoring a grade eight when you're only in grade six?”

“I'm a land-and-water whiz,” offered Eldrick.

Why would Sludge want to spend extra time with that twerp? Something was up, but I didn't have time to get to the bottom of it. Lisa was insisting on going over the party plans.

“We've asked everyone to come dressed in either yellow or blue,” she said excitedly. “Isn't that cool?”

“Sure, I guess so,” I said reluctantly. My favourite colours were black and green.

“Yellow and blue,” she said, eyeing me with exasperation. “The national colours of Sweden. We're going to arrange everyone in the bleachers so we make a human flag. Don't you think Olaf will love that?”

“He'll love it—if he can make it,” I told her. She had caught me a bit off guard. “He's got a big report due in Stockholm this week.”

Lisa's face crumpled up. “He
has
to come!” she wailed. “The party's in his honour! Sarah! Janine! Olaf might pull a no-show for his own party!”

Janine and Sarah showed up out of nowhere. “What do you mean he won't be there?” They were getting hysterical.

“Okay, okay,” I said trying to diffuse the situation. “I'll see what I can do. Maybe he can finish his report tonight.”

“He
has
to come,” cried Sarah.

“He
is
the band,” sniffled Janine. “It's called
Olaf
's Army, not
Adam
's Army.”

I got her message loud and clear. The awesome support we got at the District Donnybrook was because of our tall, Swedish, lead singer. Without him, we'd just be another band. I was in a bit of a pickle. Olaf's Army was the key to our success. I had to keep them happy, even if it meant making Daniela hobnob with her fans.

“I'll make sure he's there,” I told them.

Daniela was going to kill me!

In the end, I was the only one who met with Principal Losman. Sludge and Eldrick had their mysterious tutoring session. Beena and Meena were busy giving an interview to the school newspaper. And Daniela was too furious to speak to anyone.

“I am not going to any stupid party as Olaf,” she had huffed when I told her. “I don't speak Swedish and I don't want Janine Stroop hanging off of me.” She stomped off angrily. I headed to the office by myself.

Principal Losman led me into his room. “Congratulations on your victory.”

“Thanks,” I said. “And thanks for letting us celebrate during last period tomorrow.”

“That's what I want to talk to you about,” said Principal Losman, getting straight to the point.

“Adam,” started Prinicpal Losman. His tone made me think of my parents—not a good thing. “Maybe it's time to end this charade. The school is going wild for a student who doesn't even exist. I think it's becoming too much.”

Janine's words, “
It's called Olaf's Army, not
Adam's Army,
” echoed in my mind. I knew what would happen if our hoax was revealed.

“Please, Principal Losman,” I begged, “let Sick on a Snow Day compete in the City Championship with Olaf as lead singer. I know I promised you he would be 33,000 feet in the air right now, but I never expected to make it this far. Daniela still needs him. Our band still needs him. The whole school is supporting our group, and Olaf is the star attraction. Please let us take the final step. We've worked so hard—all of us. And nothing's ever meant more to me.” And I meant it.

Principal Losman looked thoughtful for a moment. “In the nine months that I've known you, Adam, you've been in my office quite a few times. I have to say, it's nice to see you getting involved in an
appropriate
school activity. Your teachers are still concerned about your tendency to daydream in class, but so far, your marks are holding steady. And, albeit in a strange way, you're demonstrating some fine leadership skills.” He took a deep breath.

“School spirit has definitely been high over the past few weeks, too. That's certainly worth something. So, let's play it by ear for the next little while. Olaf is welcome to appear at the rally tomorrow—but then you'll need to send him off on a field trip for a few days.”

“Thanks, Principal Losman,” I said as he shook my hand. “We'll keep everything under control. I promise!”

So, Olaf's invitation was extended! Now I just had to figure out what to do about the assembly. And Daniela.

I
t was party time! The gym was packed when we arrived. Since we were being treated like rock stars, we decided to act like rock stars. Instead of going through the front doors, we snuck through the back and took the stage. The curtain was drawn. Had it been open, all of Wilcott would have seen that we were ready to rock. It was Eldrick's idea to treat the school to a quick set of songs. As much as I hated to admit it, it was a great idea: It gave Olaf maximum separation from his adoring fans and made it easier for us to keep up our end of the bargain with Principal Losman. Olaf could appear onstage and sing, but then he had to disappear. Even Daniela was convinced that the plan was solid, so she had agreed to perform.

On cue, the room went black. Meena drew back the curtains and picked up her guitar. Olaf grabbed the mike and the crowd went crazy. Daniela was worried about being recognized so Olaf was wearing his signature over-sized shades and a funky scarf. Beena had wound the scarf so far up his neck that it covered his chin. Combined with the huge sunglasses, it made an effective disguise. We breezed through “Detention Blues.”

I knew Lisa planned to present Olaf with flowers after the show. But I was ready to foil her plan. We launched into “Big Elephants Can Always Understand Small Elephants.” Olaf sounded great. He got to the final chorus and belted it out:
Big
Elephants Can Always Understand Small Elephants.
Yeah Yeah Yeah...

Suddenly, the curtain was drawn again. When it opened again, Sick on a Snow Day was a five-piece orchestra. Olaf was nowhere to be seen.

Lisa approached the stage with a big bouquet of flowers. Confused, she looked around the stage. She climbed over Sludge's drum kit and under my keyboard. But her search turned up empty. Olaf had left the building.

“Where is he?” she whined.

“I'm sorry,” I said into the microphone so the whole school could hear, “but Olaf has an appointment for a Swedish massage and sauna.”

A big sigh of disappointment travelled through the room. I cleared my throat to get everyone's attention. “He said to tell you he was sorry, but it's very important that Swedish rock stars have massages and saunas to keep them in good rocking condition. He says he'll see you at the City Championship.
Go
Wilcott
!”

Just mentioning the final talent competition brightened the mood of the room.

“We had a special surprise for Olaf,” said a visibly disappointed Lisa. “We'll just have to give it to the rest of the band. Sarah, unveil the table.”

At the back of the room, Sarah pulled a sheet off a long table. I couldn't see what was on the table but I could tell from the gasps of my classmates that whatever sat there wasn't anything normally found at J.R. Wilcott. Sludge, Eldrick, the twins, and I gingerly made our way to the table. There sat some of the strangest-looking things I had ever seen. I thought it was food but I wasn't one-hundred percent sure.

“Ugh, take a whiff,” said Sludge holding his nose.

Something on the table smelled revolting. Like a gross mixture of dirty diapers and smelly socks. I looked at Sludge. He looked terrified. Lisa and Sarah, on the other hand, looked delighted.

“We thought Olaf might be a bit homesick,” said Lisa smiling. “So we surfed the internet to find out what foods are popular in Sweden. Our plan was to surprise him with a buffet of his favourite food. A smorgasbord—just like at home!”

“What, uh, is this stuff?” I said, trying not to gag. I did my best not to breathe through my nose.

She pointed to a grey, fishy-looking thing that sat on a limp piece of dark brown bread. It looked raw. “Herring on rye—Stockholm style!” We must have looked clueless, because she continued her explanation. “Salted fish with onions, served on a lard spread.”

Eww!

Beside that was a mushy, brown concoction sprinkled with red blotches. “Liver pate with red beets.”

No explanation needed there! The last item on the table was the one stinking up the room. To my eye, it looked like cheese but, with a stench like that, I wasn't positive. The only cheese I ate came with macaroni. The room fell silent as Janine introduced the mystery item.

“We read that they eat a lot of old, smelly cheeses in Sweden, so we got the stinkiest one we could find: finely-aged Limburger.” She sounded very proud of herself.

“Well?” said Lisa as she looked directly at me. I glanced nervously at Sludge for support.

“He
is
your cousin,” said Janine. Worried, I looked at the twins for help.

Sarah was direct. “We went through all this trouble for Olaf and he's not here. Someone's got to try the smorgasbord...and since you're the one who's related to him, it might as well be you.” I tried desperately to make eye-contact with Eldrick. “Dig in,” said Sarah handing me a piece of slimy herring.

All of Wilcott was silently watching me. I swallowed hard and forced a tight smile. It was important I keep Olaf's Army happy—at least until the City Championship was over. Janine, Sarah and Lisa would be insulted if I didn't sample their hard work. I was backed into a corner—a disgustingly smelly corner! The rest of Sick on a Snow Day looked on helplessly. I glanced at the herring in my hand. A purple onion dangled limply from its side. Closing my eyes, I put the fish in my mouth. I put it as far back on my tongue as it would go. My grand plan was to eat the slithery fish without chewing it. One huge gulp later, the herring was gone.

Sludge gave me a pat on the back. “One down, two to go. You can do it!” he whispered in encouragement.

Next up was the liver and beets. Quickly, I slid it down my throat before it had a chance to infiltrate my taste buds. Done! Disgusting but done!

The final act was now: the super-smelly, nasty Limburger cheese. I was up to the challenge of slimy herring and mushy liver, but stinky cheese was another story. I wasn't a big fan of cheese. I rarely ate the stuff, even when it was the non-smelly, boring, yellow kind. I cut myself a little piece. My eyes started to water from the smell. But I continued. Sick on a Snow Day was worth a mouthful of grossness. Slowly, I brought the stink bomb of cheese to my lips. I caught another whiff and started to feel dizzy. I wanted to go through with it, but my mouth wouldn't open.

Suddenly, a cold hand grabbed the cheese away from me.

“I love smelly cheese,” said a high-pitched voice. “It would be my honour to sample the Limburger.”

It was Eldrick. He was saving me! I rubbed my eyes into focus and looked at him. Eldrick didn't look like he loved Limburger cheese. In fact, he looked a little green. But, standing as tall as he could, he brought the stinky stuff to his mouth. And then he ate it. Coughing and gagging, Eldrick tried his best not spit the Limburger out on Janine's shoes. Thinking quickly, Sludge handed him a bottle of juice. Eldrick downed the whole bottle and then stood up straight.