The Bathrobe Knight: Volume 3 (44 page)

Bonus
: Can breathe underwater, +5% power, +5% to speed, +5% damage with all melee weapons. -25% Fire Resistance, -25% Cold Resistance.

Simian [Were-Beast]
: These staff wielding pranksters tend to barrel headfirst into everything and are always up to monkey business from the day they are born--which is why Simian parents have long refused to give up the right to punish their children. After all, even though spanking the monkey sounds bad, a monkey that has never been spanked would be a nightmare for the whole town. Be careful: their uncles are everywhere and can throw a wrench into even the best laid plans.

Bonus
: +10% Damage when wielding staves, +5% Speed, +25% height when jumping.

Ursine [Were-Beast]
: Making a pun about ‘bear’ arms might seem harmless and amusing until one is actually faced with a pair of real bear arms. When around this race that defined the gun show in terms of muscular fortitude, jokes should be made as little as possible. Respectable, pink shirt-wearing businessmen and frat boys have been advised to not do anything fishy or jump around them.

Bonus
: Hands act as a weapon equivalent to level (Damage and Strength will vary based on stats and class), +10% Power, +5% Vitality.

Earth-Walkers [Jotunn Kingdom]
: Every wingless bi-ped in Tiqpa can be considered an earth walker to some degree, but in reality they just walk across the earth. Only the Earth-Walker truly walks with the land. Each step he makes, the earth follows, each thought he has, the ground listen. While they claim to be a part of the Jotunn kingdom, the only thing they follow is the earth that follows them.

Bonus:
Ability to control and manipulate the earth underneath them. +10% Vitality.

Grendel-Kin [Jotunn Kingdom]
: After an incident with one of their ancestors, they often avoid disturbing drunk people in taverns. Despite their uncouth exterior and general refusal towards basic hygiene, this race of fishermen, in contrast with their Jotunn brothers, are generally very well reserved and polite people. Their hospitality is as unrivaled as their smell.

Bonus
: +50% resistance to poison, +5% speed.

Jotunn {Jotunn Kingdom]
: Unexpectedly, this giant race of long-armed, hairy people is often known for their wit and sense of humor, not their incredible strength. Their love for discourse, immunity from hatred and ability to get under everyone’s skin has slowly created a need for strength and martial discipline to defend themselves against extinction. This has inevitably led to their dominance of both politics and culture within their land. Be warned at all times when you hear the true troll’s battlecry: “You mad bro?”

Bonus
: They even lift. And never skip leg day. +10% to strength, Immunity to mind-based crowd control effects, all other crowd controlling effects are halved.  

Those People Who Didn’t Ask for More Money on Their Contracts When Signing up for the Sequel
:

Darwin
: A video gaming demon who has been trapped in the world of Tiqpa, forced to level up and survive as he attempts to find his way home.

Stephanie
:
A fellow gamer and the boss of a dungeon, she abandoned her post to chase after and be with Darwin.

Alex
: Once just a simple scout, Alex is now the lead representative for the people of Valcrest. He commands the troops of the StormGuard Alliance in Darwin’s absence.

Kass
: The daughter of Robert, one of the lead designers of Tiqpa, and an avid gamer herself. She is currently trying to be the highest level Frost Mage in the game and is using Darwin to get there.

Robert
: Lead programmer of Tiqpa and father of Kass. Currently investigating the bathrobe knight who has upset the balance of a game he spent years making.

Valerie
: A disabled girl who uses Tiqpa to experience the sensation of being able to move all of her limbs again. She gets wrapped up in the game, even romancing an NPC shortly before he dies and she finds out that her faction has turned against her. She escapes with her friends, Daniel and Mclean, to join Darwin in the middle of the White-Wing beach battle.  

Daniel
: One of the two close friends who joined Valerie when she achieved a high enough rank to assign quests for the White-Wings. He, along with Valerie and Mclean, joins the StormGuard Alliance after the White-Wing beach battle.

Mclean
: One of the two close friends who joined Valerie when she achieved a high enough rank to assign quests for the White-Wings. She, along with Valerie and Daniel, joins the StormGuard Alliance in the middle of the White-Wing beach battle.

Eve
: Claiming to be Darwin’s sister, this mysterious figure leads him to discover the creation stone needed to convert the people of Valcrest into Demons. Later she is seen traveling alongside Qasin, claiming that her goal is to reach and rescue her brother.

Gary
: Robert’s coworker and Tiqpa design team leader. The only thing worse than his choice in clothes is his uncomfortable insistence on bad jokes and inappropriate comments.

Qasin
: From soldier to King, the great warrior freed himself of his political chains and carved the three factions of Noob Island into one great empire. After he had conquered the land though, he left the island and his faction behind to accompany Eve on her quest to rescue her brother.

Pets
:

Jim
: This supposed ‘dog’ owned by Kerrigan may sound lovable, but be careful. The second you come over, he’ll rush. You’ll lose all your mineral far . . . wait. Never mind. You’ll just get a bunch of that annoying hair all over your black slacks.

Fuzzy Wuzzy
: Some people like dogs, some people like cats, but both Darwin and Kass seemed to have gotten attached to this future rug of an in law. Between the soft fur and the oddly unexpected sense of humor for both an NPC and an animal, this bear has grown into quite the lovable fur ball.

Inventory of Items
:

Burny’s Ironic Blade
:  This ice covered blade is often preferred, unironically, in cold zones and mountains. Many coffeeshop dwellers seek it for its name, the rest pursue it for its surprising ability to burn enemies alive, despite its cold visage.  May have been forged from an anti-griddle.

Stats: 50 Damage, +200 additional fire damage. Burns target for 25 damage per second (stacks up to 5 times). +15 speed.

Burriza’s Blade
: What does a Polar Bear have to do with a sword? Who knows, but when you see how well it turned out, who cares?

Stats
:
215 Damage,
+10 Power

Captain’s Emblem
: A symbol of power can be more than just a symbol if it carries with it the trust and hopes of those who give it meaning.

Stats:
When carried, raises the level of all NPCs commanded by +5; All nearby allied players and NPCs will receive +5% to all stats.

Captain’s Ring
: Often those who receive this item complain that it isn’t powerful enough. It doesn’t have enough stats. That’s because they don’t understand that its only limit is the strength of those who follow its wearer.

Stats:
+10 Power, +1% increased Power and Speed for all allied party members.

Crown of the Ice Queen
: Flung away by a princess in a musical number that defined the entire movie, this long lost diadem was somehow recovered and sold by a rather shady individual. Even the Ice Queen has to let her hair down sometimes, although by now I’m pretty sure she’s sorry she ever let it go.

Stats
: +30 Spirit, +30 Concentration, +5% Damage to cold based spells.

Restriction
: Frost Mage only.

Dragon’s Final Hymn
:
A dragon may die, but his flames never perish. The same is also what was said about Sir Frank Fluffabuff and his trusty zweihander. This is why, long after the knight had been eaten while holding the sword, the dragon died with the undigested blade still inside him. After the knight and the dragon had faded into oblivion, the two unyielding forces of fire and blade still stuck around--and stuck to each other.

Stats
: 485 Damage, +30 Power, +20 Speed, +10% Fire Resistance, Damage is halved when dual wielding.

Dragon’s Tear
:
Proving that there is at least some value in making someone cry, the Dragon’s Tears sometimes harden into beautiful jewelry with magical powers. At other times, they just ruin the shoulder of someone’s shirt.

Stats
: +10 Spirit, +10 Concentration.

Double-Bladed Axe
: If Wrigley’s Spearmint gum has taught us anything, it’s that it’s perfectly okay to double your pleasure and double the fun, and nothing says twice as much fun as an extra blade on an axe.

Stats
:
135 Damage.

Dull Iron Axe
: Sometimes, you have to make do with what you have. After all, a giant axe to an enemy’s face is better than nothing, right?

Stats
:
98 Damage.

Enchanted Bathrobe of Valcrest
: Special times call for special measures. When armor is too heavy, clothes take too long to put on and you’re expecting company, the bathrobe is the right special measure needed. This one just comes fully decked out. Ramen not included.

Stats
: +15 to Power, +15 Speed, +15 Vitality, reduces incoming Damage from all sources by 10%, +35 Damage when wielding Spoons, +10 damage versus French Onion Soup  

Golden Creation Stone
: Ever wanted to pose yourself as the titular head of a demonic host?  Look no further!  Ideas take many shapes and forms, but at the end of the day, it's always the gold that unifies people.  Proof positive that if you put a bunch of people in a dungeon together and get stoned, you'll all eventually end up with red eyes one way or another.  

Slippers of +10 Face Smashing
:
It’s tennis shoes for running, black dress shoes for fancy events, and slippers for face smashing. Never question a man in a bathrobe when his slippers are red.

Stats
: +10 to comfy walking, +10 to Face Smashing, -10 to fashion.

Ring of the Ice Queen
:
No one is sure if they called her the Ice Queen because she was as frigid as a winter’s storm when it came to dating, or if it was because of her profound affinity for summoning a winter’s storm. Either way, one can be certain that the ring’s power is authentic and came directly from the Ice Queen herself, after all, what guy would offer her a ring? Regardless, the ring was aptly named and has served many Mages since.

Stats
: +10 Vitality, +10 Spirit, +10 Concentration.

Restriction:
Frost Mage only.

Ring of the Unkept Promise
: Some items are just mysterious with backstories you only hear about way after they would have been helpful, never at all, or right when you’re in the middle of something important and you can’t pause. Sometimes, you just keep spamming the “skip text” button and never bother to find out. It’s like these things were added to the game by a developer who was going for the ‘shady foreshadowing with intriguing items’ effect but didn’t feel like fleshing it out.

Stats: +30 Power, +30 Speed, -10 Vitality, +5% stats to the wearer of
Ring of Broken Vows
when in range.

Ring of Broken Vows
: This is also one of those items.

Stats: +30 power, +30 speed, -10 vitality, +5% stats to the wearer of
Ring of the Unkept Promise
when in range.

Ring of Power
: It’s too bad an item with the name like
Ring of Power
isn’t better than it is.

Stats
: +10 Power, +10 Speed, +10 Vitality.

Sapphire Spell Staff
: Pretty when new, pretty when blue. With an intricate blue sapphire beautifully adorning a dark wooden staff, this is just as much a decorative accessory as it is a weapon.

Stats
: +15 Spirit, +10 Concentration.