The Back Building (11 page)

“You’re lucky. Well, not for what happened to you, I am really sorry about that. It’s just not fair you lost your mom. I just mean you’re lucky you aren’t living here anymore. Patty should be the one locked up, I’ve seen her douse her patients with tea hot enough to scald their skin, or deprive them of food and toilette privileges. Then she curses them for peeing themselves and writes them up as well. She is mean and nasty and I can’t take much more.” I peed my own bed and now my mattress had a tangy scent that filled my room.

“She’s trying to break you, Iona. Don’t let her. We will help. The new superintendent, Dr. Macy, runs a tighter program than most, but with thousands of patients even he doesn’t know what’s going on half the time.”

“What’s the worst thing you‘ve seen?” I asked as I chewed my toast and waited for his answer.

“Well, if what we think happened to John’s wife did in fact take place that would be pretty brutal. I’ve seen the scoop they would use to remove the brain with my own two eyes. It was in a surgical room in the back building. I used to spy on the patients when I was a kid and I found this neglected looking building on the north lawn behind the hospital. I squeezed my way in and the first thing I noticed was the smell of human waste. Patients were lying in the hallways, some were diapered others were completely naked and chained to benches and walls. There was no sign of humanity left in their eyes at all. These souls were lost, I don’t know what kind of experiments they were performing on them but whatever they did, it didn’t work. There were rumors too, rumors of male patients being castrated to relieve them of their psychosis. I didn’t believe it at first but then I saw a dead body when I discovered the morgue one day. I saw the body of a male patient lying on the cold table and he didn’t have his, uh… Now that doesn’t mean he was castrated here at Willard, but one never can be sure.”

“Jeepers. That’s awful. I can’t let anything like that happen to me, I can’t let Patty get to me.” The stories made me frantic and fearful for my life.

“You won’t, now go ahead and rest while I clean up around here.”

Chapter Seven

Everything Changes with the Season

My birthday came and went without acknowledgment. I didn’t receive a greeting from my folks, or Hetty. There were no cakes or songs to mark the occasion. Only I knew the day was meant to be special. I was a sixteen-year-old young lady now, six months into my treatment, with little ammunition regarding my argument for release. Nothing changed at Willard. I felt I was more a prisoner than a patient and Patty was more suspicious than ever that I hadn’t been broken, she said the devil in me was stronger than she thought.

She continued her campaign of night-time terror, she even went so far as to chain me to my bed regularly so I was less likely to try another escape. I was still hatching a plan for that but needed a little more time. Also, I was growing fonder of James. Leaving the hospital for good meant never seeing James again. Staying meant being starved and tormented but seeing him nearly daily. I wouldn’t call us sweethearts, but over the past several months it was fair to say we both became fond of one another.

It was James that took me out on Savannah for the first time. My light weight on her back forced her to be unruly, rendering it necessary for James to mount behind me and take the reins. Then she obliged us very well. She sauntered across the gardens and down the path to the lake, where we often let her graze as we picnicked for lunch. I was constantly in a state of exhaustion, but James and John, as I took to calling Mr. Hamm, let me sleep from my arrival until noon. Then we ate a hearty lunch, took the horses out, and upon their return I slept more. My naps were at intervals but they had kept me from breaking under Patty’s rule.

Dr. Macy asked me if everything was going well at the farm, he wondered if I found the work too taxing. Patty had divulged to him that it might be more than I could handle. She told him in her notes that I slept all the time on the ward, never interacted with any other patients, barely had an appetite and seemed to be faring worse.

I assured the doctor that, in fact, the work was so healing I couldn’t imagine my life without the animals. I talked to him of his glorious horses, and how good natured they were when I took them out for a ride. I told him what and how much they ate, and he could tell by their shiny coats every Sunday that they had been well tended. He praised me for my work but suggested he’d like to stop by one day to see me ride. Perhaps even ride with me. I had to be on the lookout now for his appearance at the stables and that made sleep even more elusive. Just when I would fall into a slumber I would jar myself awake, fearful Dr. Macy would appear and catch me snoozing. I was so fearful now of the first ward and the experimental laboratories that I had a heightened sense of guilt and wrongdoing when I slept.

Hydrotherapy remained a constant in my life. I became used to being naked in front of the other women even though my body was changing and becoming more shapely. I had been advised to steer clear of Rose Mary. The doctor wanted me to acknowledge but ignore my apparitions. If Rose Mary did appear during bath time I nodded in her direction but shut her out with closed eyes and a mind that was open to the fact she was not real as I had originally thought.

I began to question the reality that Hetty existed and was more comfortable that whether she did or didn’t, I would be okay. I had seen so many curious cases here that my delusions hardly seem remarkable and my counting was not even noteworthy. The doctor and I discussed at regular intervals what importance the delusions held for me and why. We never derived an answer but the questions made me think deeply about my familial relations. I was quite alone in my home in Ithaca. My brothers were as thick as thieves and so were my parents. I had no one to run and play with, so when my classmates turned on me I felt the sting of rejection so acutely that Hetty appeared.

I actually didn’t see this as insane but brilliant. If my mind could subconsciously pretend to the level of pain that being rejected caused and answer with an apparition that was needed to boost my confidence then what was the harm? I said as much to Dr. Macy and he didn’t disagree, just said we needed more time to think this through so it didn’t happen again. I asked him about my release, given I felt I was truly able to understand my condition now. I asked to stay on temporarily as a farm hand, and was willing to maintain my visits with him. All I wanted was a small stipend for my work, and I assured him I could find a place to stay.

John Hamm had agreed to the plan before I brought it up to the doctor. He had yet to see anything that would make him think I was insane. True I slept an awful lot in his presence but we had hundreds of mindful conversations that were all sane. He spoke to the doctor on my behalf and a plan was going to be put in motion that I be partially released. I just needed my parents’ permission given my young age. I could not be released without it until I was eighteen.

My parents spoke with the doctor and asked to see me. When I was brought before them it was an emotional meeting. My mother held a new-born babe in her arms, but wouldn’t allow me to approach. The child was a boy, as I had suspected. She held him up for me to see and told me his name was Frederick. He was an ugly looking thing with a scrunched up face and oddly shaped forehead. Still, he was my sibling and I felt a yearning to hold him.

“Iona, your hair is growing back nicely. You look well,” Father said with sincerity.

“Thank you, Father. I feel well.”

“Are they treating you well here?” He asked.

“I have had mostly positive experiences with the staff and yes, my treatment is going well. I like Dr. Macy very much. We have talked about my delusions and I now understand why that was so troubling for you both.” My mother flinched when I said the word ‘delusions’ but my father never batted an eye. He really seemed grateful that I was improving and even though he remained emotionally distant I felt a slight bit of warmth emanate from him. Mother looked tired and excused herself to nurse the baby.

“Iona, are your visions gone then? Do you still see Hetty? I need to ask before I sign the paperwork and agree to your new arrangement. If you are not fully healed it wouldn’t benefit you, or us, to release you partially. And if your treatment is going so well, I suppose I am not sure why I should allow you to move from one bed to another?”

“Well, for one thing, Father, if I am a day patient I can begin controlling my own environment and prepare myself for a future. I can also begin to earn a small stipend for the work I have been doing on a volunteer basis. I am responsible for the stables currently and have pleased the foreman very much.”

“I see. It would be nice to think of you down the road, able to care for yourself seeing as you don’t have any suitors. The fact you could save a little money would be nice.”

“Yes, well, part of my income would go to pay my rent, but in answer to your previous question, I no longer see Hetty and I feel prepared to leave this place.”

“I am glad to hear that. I am worried about releasing you to this Mr. Hamm though because I don’t know him. What if he were to take advantage of you?”

“I can assure you that in the seven months I have worked for him he has been the utmost gentleman. I would be a boarder that is all. I will help with meal preparation and light house-work as well. Also, Dr. Macy can vouch for him.”

“It still makes me uncomfortable. I will have to discuss this with your mother in private and in the meantime maybe you can look into other outside arrangements. Isn’t there a spinster you could live with until such time as you are fit for release?”

“I don’t know, Father, this is the only opportunity that presented itself. Please consider it.” I begged my father to allow me this chance to prove I was well. But then Hetty stood right behind him, picking at her ear-wax and flicking it on the ground. She stomped her right foot impatiently and when I appeared to be looking at her, my father turned his head over his shoulder.

“I was just thinking, Father, there were no visions I assure you.” I hadn’t seen Hetty in months, why she appeared now to get me in trouble I didn’t understand but I would keep this event to myself and never share it with anyone.

The following day I arrived early at the farm. Pigs from the piggery were being led to the slaughterhouse where their brains would be bashed in leaving the echo of their squeals to ring in my ears for days. I ate breakfast with my fellow workers, forgoing my bacon, and felt a sense of gratitude for my luck was about to change.

My father needed to discuss things through with my mother but she was overwhelmed and too tired to delve into a lengthy conversation about me. She’d rather brush me aside, happy I was no longer underfoot and seemingly being well taken care of.

I slept a bit, then rode Savannah with James accompanying us on Lucky, a beautiful mount, to give them their exercise. Spring was all around us, flowers were blooming and the ice on the lake had completely thawed. We set up our picnic and as I unwrapped our sandwiches, James leaned in to kiss me as he had many times before. I held to him tightly, wanting the kiss to mean as much to him as it did to me. I had a stirring in my stomach when I was with James, he made me feel giddy and beautiful.

“James,” I asked, “do you think my parents will release me to John?”

“I hope so, we’ll be under the same roof then and can walk to and from work. Maybe we can even get married one day.” He said.

“Get married?” I blushed.

“Well, I am nineteen, and I declare you make me very happy. I know you are young to be discussing this yet, but if you were home wouldn’t you begin courting about now?”

“Why yes, James, I would.”

“Well, then I suppose I would like to start courting you, Iona.” He kissed me once more, a deeper, lingering kiss that I felt down to my toes. I knew a kiss such as this would not be permitted in the outside world, but I didn’t mind it.

“Does it bother you though, James, that you would court an inmate of the Willard Hospital for the Insane? A woman without proper home-making skills?”

“I don’t think you are insane. You have never shown me that you are anything but stable and strong. Besides that, you are beautiful and a great farm-hand. We can muddle through the rest.”

“But what if the delusions start again, James, what would you do then?”

“What would you do if I had delusions? Hmm?”

“Why I would invite them to sit with us for tea, of course.”

“Ahhh, then I would do the same.”

We kissed a little longer and he lay me down on the blanket. His hand approached my breast and I remembered the way I felt when Cat tried to touch me there. This was different, it was welcome. James stopped his caressing, stood up and claimed he needed to be a gentleman around me. He did not want to take advantage of me, and since I had no one to look out for my well-being he had to control his impulses better. He also said I needed to resist them, but I didn’t want to and if that were a sin so be it.

After our lunch, we rode the beasts further down the lake, allowing them to break into sprints and work up a sweat. We had set up logs along the lakeside that they could jump and they did so with little effort, neither breaking their stride. Finally, we slowed the animals to a canter and rode to the farm side by side.

“We could just run away you know. If my father refuses to sign my papers.” My voice was as quiet as a whisper.