The Back Building (6 page)

“I know you do. What would you do differently if you went home?” There it was, the question I had been waiting for.

“Well, I would listen to my parents and become a proper young lady. I would cook and sew and do whatever else they wanted. I would mind them better,” I said.

“I understand you have a new baby coming into the folds of the family soon?”

“Yes, and I want to be there to meet him.”

“Him?”

“Or her, but I think it’s a boy. My mother mostly has boys.”

“I see.”

The doctor closed his pad and put the top on his pen. He told me he’d really like it if I stayed a while longer. He thought I would start to like the facility once I got used to it. He also told me I could volunteer anywhere I wanted in Hadley Hall, the entertainment building. I would think about it I told him. Then I was released to Emily who sat outside the office waiting to bring me back to the ward. We took a detour through Hadley Hall and Emily showed me the bowling lanes. I was interested to try the sport so I lifted one of the balls but it was so heavy that Emily laughed when I tried to roll it down the lane.

“Tomorrow we have bowling, there will be lighter balls then. These are set out for the men!”

She showed me the cinema room, the theater, the basketball court currently being used by ten men playing an intense game, and finally the snack bar. We filled cups with popcorn and nuts and walked back to the third ward.

“So, did he tell you about our new patient?”

“No, he didn’t, why do you suppose he would?”

“Well, she is your age. Her name is Kate and they are trying her out on the third ward since you’re here. The doctor hopes that being with someone her own age will help her.”

“In what way?” I asked wondering what this Kate needed help with.

“I am not really at liberty to say, let’s just hope it all works out. She’ll be arriving tomorrow.”

“Hmm, okay. That will be good I guess, I already have one friend, but two would be good.”

“Oh yeah, who did you connect with?” Emily asked.

“I like Rose Mary. She’s really nice.”

“Rose Mary, huh.” She didn’t say anything else but soon enough we were full from snacks and I was told we’d be taking a trip to the chapel at eleven so to be ready.

I put on the nicest dress and shoes from the closet and waited until it was time to go to church. My suitcase with all my clothes still hadn’t come and I forgot to mention that to the doctor. It irked me that someone was going through my things and I wanted them back. I wanted my stationery so I could write my parents, double gosh darn it. I forgot to ask about that too.

I couldn’t sleep, so I just fidgeted while I waited for our chapel trip. Finally it was time to go. We walked down the steps and through the second ward, a route I had not taken before, (one hundred and seven paces). Patients were more vocal on this level and I even saw two of the staff holding down one young woman with blood smeared across her forehead.

“Never mind about that, they are doing their job, understand?” Emily asked me.

“Uh huh,” I said, but I didn’t like how the patient was being restrained at all. I needed to get out of here before that happened to me.

The service was attended by our group and one other from the men’s ward. The men were all much older, I would guess by their grey hair they were all in their sixties. Some of them drooled and others closed their eyes and slept during the sermon. It was a little unsettling but soon enough it was over.

After church my group went outdoors for recreational therapy. We were allowed to walk along the property and would resume with a picnic by the lake. Just being outside helped me to settle my nerves.

We had drumsticks and cornbread along with carrot sticks and celery. I took my lunch to the lonely wooden bench and sat eating while I looked across the tranquil lake. It was very still today, and the sun glistened off the water. The leaves were changing color and the air was crisp, I felt optimistic in this moment. I knew I could get home if I could get my hands on some paper. I knew I could survive a few more days and felt hopeful indeed. I ran my hands through my short, bristly hair and wondered what possessed me to cut it? My mother said my hair was among my greatest physical attributes. Maybe that was why I did it, so that my mother would see me, not my hair. I would discuss this with the doctor at my next appointment. Funny he never once mentioned my hair, or lack thereof, today.

When our picnic was over we walked the long way back to our residence. I admit I did feel refreshed. Perhaps the methodology of recreational therapy worked after all.

***

The new girl arrived and she was assigned to be my roommate. She had a bed in the opposite corner from mine but we shared the wardrobe. She was just lounging on her elbow, biting her nails when I twisted the doorknob and opened the door.

“Ha-ha-ha!” She blurted when I walked in. “What happened to you? You look like a boy!”

“Nothing happened to me. I cut it,” I said, perturbed both by the fact this new patient was in my room and by the fact she was so bold.

“You look ridiculous.” She said.

“I don’t care.” I retorted.

“Is that why you’re in here? You are not to be trusted with scissors?” She laughed.

“You could say that, what are you here for? Being rude?”

“Good one. No, although I am prone to violence. I am here for my lack of self-control.”

“Never heard that one before. But then again I just got here.”

“I was at Utica’s Insane Asylum before being transferred here. Thank God, I need some new prospects.”

“I am afraid to ask,” I said gulping down the bile that was rising in my throat.

“Boys, stupid. I need some poor unsuspecting boys, or men, doesn’t matter, to fall madly in love with me. Then I’ll have my way with them.” She grabbed my pillow and began mauling it.

“I don’t understand.”

“You will. You’re still young. I’m Kate, by the way, but everyone calls me Cat.” She laughed and then opened the door and walked out like she owned the place. I followed her only because I was looking for Emily. I wanted to ask about my suitcase and stationery.

“You following me, Kid?”

“No, I am looking for Emily.” She was the second person who called me ‘kid’ and that bothered me. Emily rounded the corner and approached both of us.

“Well, it sure is nice to see that the two of you have met. We will head to the theater for a movie in an hour if either of you care to join. Otherwise you may have relaxation time in your room.”

“I do,” I said and I swore Cat mimicked me under her breath.

“Um, Emily. I have to ask you something,” I said, trying to keep my voice from cracking with emotion.

“Sure, Iona, what is it?” Emily studied me with a look of concern.

“Well my suitcase hasn’t been brought to my room yet and there are a few things I really need. Can you please find out where it is?”

“Iona, sit for a minute. I sense this is troubling to you. The doctors don’t want new patients to have their belongings for a little while longer. They don’t want you focused on home, and feel that this is the best way to adapt.”

“I don’t understand. I just want my hairbrush and my nightgown. The one issued is itchy and uncomfortable,” I complained.

“I understand, I do. But believe me when I say there is a method to your care. This is just a small part of it. What else do you need? I will try to provide it for you.”

“I want my stationery. But I bet I am not allowed to write home yet either.” I knew that in fact I wasn’t allowed to receive or send out any mail for at least one week.

“That is correct. Let’s get you refocused. How about you pick out today’s movie reel? Then you and I can go ahead of the group and get the snacks ready.”

“Okay, Emily. I don’t understand how that will help, but okay.” I felt Emily was being slightly condescending but agreed to go along with her plan.

***

The first week passed by slowly. My suitcase never appeared but I had bigger problems, namely, Cat. Cat tried sneaking into my bed every night. She pretended to be frightened, but then she started caressing my back and hair. I was shocked and humiliated when she touched my skin and just wanted to be left alone. I told her this every night, but last night, after her advances, I reached out and punched her square in the jaw, which unfortunately landed me in the doctor’s office for a conference. I explained to the doctor that Cat made unsolicited advances on me at night. I told him that I asked her repeatedly to stop, but that she insisted I would like what she could do to me. The doctor applauded that I stood up for myself even if he didn’t condone any violent behavior. He said we needed to discuss my impulsiveness at a future meeting. Cat was moved out of my room and further down the hall so we wouldn’t have any further instances.

While I was at the doctor’s he took advantage of our time and asked if I felt anything was helping me to feel more peaceful. I told him I liked the lake. I also mentioned I had made friends with Rose Mary and he praised my efforts and encouraged me to continue to meet new people. I didn’t broach the subject of my belongings because I didn’t want to agitate or make my crime against Cat any worse. I would have to be patient and wait a few more days.

On my way back to the ward I saw a woman bashing her head repeatedly against the brick building. I ran to her and tried pulling her back, noting her dead eyes. Blood dripped from her forehead and nose. The woman struggled against me and became irate. She screamed and spat at me, cursing and gesturing wildly with her arms. I let her go and several aides rushed to assist her as she staggered backwards. She really was crazy. God knows I wasn’t that dire. The image of the woman with her bloody face and vacant eyes stayed with me all through the night and I recounted the situation to Rose Mary that evening after supper.

“I am sorry you had to see that. That was probably Sally. Her husband and two children died in a fire and she has never been able to get over it. She punishes herself for it every day.”

“Why would she do that?” I wondered out loud.

“Because she set the fire. She’s a pyromaniac.”

“Jesus,” I said because there were no other words. I suddenly wondered about my safety at this place. I had to get a message to my parents that I wasn’t safe here and so I begged another patient to borrow some stationery and began to write my letters home.

Dear Mother and Father,

I am terribly sorry for all the stress and hardship I caused you. I promise to obey you in all matters and to do my best to become a proper lady. I will make an effort to make friends and will not complain about any social engagements. I wish to come home. Please let me come home.

Your loving daughter,

Iona Elizabeth

I sent my first letter the second week of my stay at Willard Hospital for the Insane. I didn’t get a response so I drafted a second.

Dearest Mother and Father,

Please forgive me for my past digressions against you. I have learned better how to handle myself now and feel that I am ready to come home. I would like the opportunity to prove to you that I am better.

I also admit that Willard is frightening to me. I don’t always feel safe here among the patients, many who are prone to violence or throwing fits. It is not a suitable environment for a girl my age.

I miss you all.

Iona

I sealed the envelope and put the stamp I borrowed from Ruth on the upper right hand corner. I was heading down the hall with my letter when Cat stopped dead in her tracks in front of me.

“Why do you bother with that? You know they don’t mail the letters don’t you?” I was startled, what could she mean they didn’t mail the letters? It was my second week so mail was permitted.

“You’re lying,” I said and tried to move past her.

“Am I?” she asked, eyebrows raised and jaw set.

“Yes. There is no harm in sending a letter. You are a liar, that’s what you do, you lie. Now move,” I said, hands tightening their grip on my envelope.

“Have you heard from home yet? I didn’t think so. That’s because they haven’t received your letters, either that or they want to forget all about you once and for all. The freak of a daughter they so unfortunately had that put a blight on the family name.” I reached out and grabbed Cat by the neck. I shoved her head into the yellow painted cinder blocks that lined our hallway and didn’t relent.

Emily ran down the hall at top speed, yelling for me to stop. Rose Mary came out of her room and just stood watching. Ruth opened her door to see what was happening, but closed it at once. No one else really cared. I was reprimanded once again for reacting to Cat’s taunts in such a volatile manner and was given my first warning. Warnings were followed by write-ups and then patients were moved to the next level of care. In my case, if I continued on this path I would be moved to the second ward with individuals who were more troubled.

I took the opportunity to ask the doctor if my letters were mailed and he assured me that yes they were. I didn’t trust him entirely or the facility and it’s method of care. More than ever, I needed to get out.