The Bachelor's Sweetheart (12 page)

She wavered. “I'm okay. I'd like to stay and talk with Jerry.”

“Talk to you tomorrow,” Maura said.

“Going to read me the riot act?” Jerry asked once Maura was out of hearing range.

Tessa rubbed her temples. “For what?”

“Being an alcoholic, being Josh's father, returning to the area—take your pick.”

She took a packet of sugar from the sugar caddy while the waitress placed two mugs and a small stainless-steel teapot on the table, poured Jerry's coffee and left. How much of their conversation had the woman heard? She ripped the top off the packet. What did it matter? She didn't know the waitress.

Jerry watched her over the rim of his mug. His eyes, at least, were different from Josh's, more hazel than blue.

“No riot act. Just a question. Why did you come back to Paradox Lake? I know, to make amends. But why stay? You must have been doing all right in California to be where you are with the program.”

He lowered the mug to the table. “When I hit rock bottom, I realized that the only things I'd ever had of value in my life were here. I've lost Gail, Josh's mother, for good. She has someone else, and I'm truly happy for her. But the boys.” His voice went gruff. “They mean the world to me.”

“Me, too,” she said.

He cocked his head.

“About hitting bottom and reaching for the best part of my life when I started to climb out, coming home to my grandmother and grandfather. When I was growing up, I spent a lot of time with them and my other grandmother in Batavia. She's gone now. My parents are missionaries in Africa,” she said, as if that explained things.

“Your grandmother said you're close to Josh, too.”

Tessa sipped her tea. “We're good friends, or we were good friends.”

“He thought you were at the meeting with me?”

“No, he didn't know I'm an alcoholic.”

“Oh.” Jerry tapped his fingers on the table. “The other day at the theater, I assumed he did. I'd seen you at the Saranac meeting before we met.”

“I should have told him. Maura's hammered me on that enough times.”

“Was it because of me? I mean his opinion of me?”

She placed her mug on the table with a thud. “Everything isn't about you. But you scarred him bad, and he believes once a drunk, always a drunk—or so he's said repeatedly. He has no confidence in AA or any other recovery program.”

“But you got him to go to an Al-Anon meeting. I thank you for that. I hate to see him—any of my boys—in pain, especially because of me.”

“No, I suggested he try a meeting. Connor and Jared probably have, too. Josh made his own decision to go.” She half snorted, half huffed. “My surprise may have put him off going to any more.”

“It's a start to his healing.”

“Or a test of mine,” she said under her breath.

“Pardon?”

“Maybe God is testing me. I want a drink tonight more than I have in years.” She crossed her arms on the table and leaned toward Jerry. “My recovery has been relatively easy. I came to Grandma and Grandpa's from rehab. They were one hundred percent behind me. The first people I connected with were from the singles group at church. That's where I met Josh. Like Josh, the others don't drink, so they didn't think it odd that I don't. Josh, the theater and church and civic activities keep me busy. Maura is the perfect sponsor. I've had it easy.”

“How long have you been sober?” Jerry asked.

“Going on five and a half years.”

“Continuous?”

“Yes.”

“And before that?”

“I wouldn't admit I had a problem. I thought I could control my drinking. How about you?”

“I got my one-year chip before I came back here. I had six months before that, before I relapsed a second time. We don't get do-overs, which in my case I don't deserve. The past is the past. But one thing the program has shown me is that we get start-overs.”

Tessa sat back in the booth. “Can I ask you a favor?”

“Ask away.”

“I know it's a little out of your way from the parsonage, but would you follow me home and see me into the house?” Her pulsed raced. “I want to make sure I don't make any stops on the way.”

“Sure. You're the first real lady who's asked me to escort her home in a good long time.” He winked at her.

“Hey, work the program, and I may not be the last.”

As she drove the winding mountain roads home with Jerry's truck reassuringly behind her, Tessa mulled his words about starting over. Could her coming clean with Josh be a start-over for them, for their friendship? An opportunity for their relationship to become more? Her heart skipped a beat. All she had to do to find out was get him back on speaking terms with her.

Chapter Nine

J
osh couldn't avoid Tessa forever. Nor did he really want to. But he was making a good show of it. Exhibiting far more cowardice than he'd felt during all his military service, he'd called Tessa at her grandmother's house number last night, Friday night, when he knew she'd be at the theater. He'd left a message with Mrs. Hamilton to tell Tessa he wouldn't be at the soccer game. Much to Hope's disappointment, he'd let himself be talked into working today. His sister had been quick to text him that they'd won anyway without him.

He pulled his truck into the parsonage driveway to pick up Connor for another Al-Anon meeting tonight. This one was men only. He'd told Connor coming with him was payback for all the times he'd protected him from Dad when he was a kid, but knew his baby brother would have come just for the asking. Josh honked the horn when Connor didn't come right out. He didn't want to risk running into their father, who was staying there, and being reminded that Dad and Tessa had been together at the AA meeting. Over the past two days, somehow her being friendly with his father had started bothering him more than the fact she'd
been
an alcoholic. She didn't fit the picture he had of a drunk,
recovering
or not. He'd never seen her take a drink, let alone drunk. More likely, she'd drunk too much in college like lots of people he knew and had blown that out of proportion.

“You in a hurry?” Connor asked as he climbed in the cab.

“Not so much as I didn't want to see Dad.”

Josh could tell by his brother's expression that he was biting his tongue. But they'd discussed Dad as much as he wanted to when he'd stopped in Connor's office at the church after work yesterday.

“How are you doing?”

“Better since we talked yesterday. I read the Bible verses you suggested. But like I said, I thought Al-Anon would give me some control.”

“You didn't cause it. You can't cure it. You can't control it.”

“Smart aleck. So why am I going back?”

“I wasn't being flippant. You have feelings for Tessa and, no matter how much you deny it, for Dad, and they've both brought chaos into your life.”

“That's the understatement of the year. I'm thinking more and more that it's time for me to take my life out of the chaos.”

“Bingo. That's what Al-Anon is for. Reclaiming
your
life.”

Josh slowed the truck for the turn into the mental health clinic in Ticonderoga. No chance of seeing Tessa or his father here. Tessa was working, and he'd checked to make sure there was no concurrent AA meeting. But that didn't stop him from scanning the lot for his father's truck. He should have done that Thursday.

“I was thinking more along the lines of taking my life elsewhere,” he said, ignoring the pang he felt. He was so messed up he didn't know if it was about leaving the Paradox Lake area or about subjecting himself to another meeting. “I heard there's going to be an opening for a drafter at the GreenSpaces main office in Boston.” He turned off the truck and pulled his door handle to signal the end of conversation.

Connor wouldn't let him off that easy. “I thought the cost of living was too high there compared to the pay to take anything less than a project manager.”

Josh sat, door half open, not wanting to take their conversation public in the parking lot. “I can cut my personal expenses, save less.”

“So you can run away from Tessa and Dad, rather than face reality. You, my childhood hero, playing the coward?”

Josh got out of the truck and slammed the door. “I've said all I need.”

“Hey, I was goading you, except for the you being my childhood hero part, bro, to get it all out.” Connor sprinted to catch up to Josh. “Tessa is still Tessa. You still have your friendship or whatever it is the two of you have going on.”

“I know. That's the problem.” Josh stopped and pressed the key fob to lock his truck. “And, as far as I know, Dad is still Dad.” He turned Connor's words against him, itching for an argument to fill his hollow insides, to give him an excuse to turn around and go home. Despite his National Guard training and all he'd seen in Afghanistan, he
was
a coward. He didn't want to face reality and work things out between him and Tessa. He wanted to go back to where they used to be.

Josh yanked open the clinic door. “After you.”

He let Connor go in first and followed him to the meeting room. Of course,
Pastor
Connor marched right down and took a seat at the front table. He sat next to him and stretched his legs out into the open space between the table and the wall.

“Hey, Connor.” A guy their age Josh didn't know sat on the other side of his brother and began talking to him.

“Josh,” Connor said when the guy paused, “this is Michael.”

Michael reached down the table to shake hands. “Nice to meet you. You're new here?”

And Connor wasn't by the looks of things. “Yes, I am,” Josh said.

A few more men arrived, not nearly as many as had been at the Elizabethtown meeting. Most greeted Connor by name. Before Josh had time to question his brother about that, a man who'd been there when they'd arrived started the meeting.

“Anyone else want to share?” the leader asked after most of the men had spoken. Connor raised his hand.

“I'm Connor,” he said, although Josh strongly suspected they all knew that.

“Hi, Connor.”

“I've been coming to this meeting off and on for a while. More on since my alcoholic father moved back to the area and in with me. I want to thank everyone for the support you've given me.”

Connor glanced at Josh as he sat down. Was that some kind of cue? Was he supposed to jump up now? He stared at his feet. He wasn't Connor. The metal folding chair became harder and more uncomfortable as the remaining men shared. Finally, only he and Michael were left.

“Anyone else?” the leader asked.

Michael nodded. “Hi, I'm Michael.”

“Hi, Michael.”

Michael proceeded to give a progress report about his recent reconciliation with his alcoholic wife and how he was working the steps.

When the man sat down, Josh felt all the eyes in the room on him, closing him in. He studied his fingernails. He'd come to learn not to teach. Besides, what did he have to share that would help anyone else?

The chair scraped the floor as he pushed back from the table to give himself some breathing room. But it didn't help. The desire to get the meeting over and leave, as much as anything, propelled Josh to speak. “Hi, I'm Josh.”

“Hi, Josh.”

He crossed his arms. “I'm Connor's brother. My father is an alcoholic.” He dropped his arms. “And I just found out two days ago that my girlfriend is a recovering alcoholic.” Connor's side glance stopped him.

“Friend, girlfriend, close friend.” Josh stumbled on. What did the name tag matter? He gave a factual recap of Thursday night, leaving out the emotion. Or, at least he thought he had.

“That's tough, man. Give the pain up to God,” one of the group members said.

Some of Josh's darkness lifted. God knew his pain. These guys, especially Michael, did, too. “That's it. Thanks for listening,” he said.

“Thank you, Josh. Anything more?” the leader asked. “No? Then let's close. We say the Serenity Prayer,” he said for Josh's benefit.

“Courage to change the things that should be changed, and the Wisdom to distinguish the one from the other,” Josh repeated with the others. “Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time... Trusting that You will make all things right, if I surrender to Your will, so that I may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen.”

He heard Connor stand beside him. “Coming?” his brother asked.

“In a minute.” Josh leaned his elbows on the table, folding his hands, and rested his forehead against them. The surrendering he got. Rescuing, changing his relationship with Tessa, was going to take more courage than he had confidence he possessed, especially with his father in the picture. As for the wisdom, he couldn't think about that right now, not concerning Tessa. And taking things one day at a time. Him, the man who had his life all planned out for the next ten years, if not further? A life, he'd realized tonight, that he'd assumed Tessa would be in, wanted her to be in.

He felt a hand on his shoulder. “Powerful stuff,” the group leader said.

“Yeah, and all I can do is pray for the ability to use it without messing up.”

“One step at a time.”

“Right.”
But some of those steps were killers.

* * *

“Tessa.” Josh's voice in the hallway between the sanctuary and the church hall stopped her almost as short as it had Thursday night after the meeting. Only, it was anger, not heart-stopping terror today.
Make that anger and disappointment
. After not answering her calls and texts, he had the nerve—or lack of nerve—to face her in public? Ever since his father had come back, Josh wasn't the man she'd thought he was. Walking the short distance between them felt like slogging through cement. Maybe he never had been.

“Josh, I didn't see you in church. You must have come in after Grandma and I did.” She parroted his words from the other night.

“I wasn't in church, or in the sanctuary, at least.”

“Afraid?” she taunted.

“Scared straight.” He attempted a grin.

Tessa took that as remorse for his behavior, but it wasn't enough to forgive his rude refusal to talk when she'd needed to talk with him.

“Are you free? We could catch some lunch before you have to be at the theater. Talk.” His voice trailed off.

“No, I'm not.” The bleak expression on his face washed away the brief self-satisfaction she'd gotten from her words. “I'm helping Grandma with coffee hour today and should get in there.” She dragged herself away from Josh, pretending she hadn't been as harsh in not accepting his reach-out as he'd been in not even acknowledging hers.

Tessa nearly ran into Josh's stepgrandfather, Harry Stowe, in the doorway to the kitchen. “Cheer up,” he said. “You look like you've lost your best friend. It's Sunday. The weather is beautiful.” He waved a handful of paper towels. “And I'm about to rescue a table of lovely women from a vicious coffee spill.”

She pasted a smile on her face and watched him weave around chairs to a table where his wife, Edna, Marie Delacroix and another of her grandmother's friends sat. She had lost her best friend and had no idea how to find him. One thing was sure. Hurting and avoiding him as he'd hurt and avoided her wasn't the way.

“There you are,” her grandmother said.

“Sorry. I got sidelined.”

“No problem. The food and drinks are out. All that's left to be done right now is to take the bag of old trash out to the bin so we have room for the new trash.”

She lifted the black garbage bag from the can, tied it up and put a new bag in. The warmth of the late-morning sun welcomed her when she stepped outside. She breathed in the fresh spring air hung with the scent of pine. Exactly what she needed to reset her mood, as she suspected her grandmother had known when she gave her the task. Tessa tossed the bag in the bin, closed the lid and started back across the parking lot, stopping halfway to retrieve her vibrating phone from her skirt pocket.

She didn't have to look at the ID to know it was Josh. Her finger hovered over the answer icon. He shouldn't be calling from the road. She lowered her finger. That was what she'd do. Answer and say she'd call him back later when he wasn't driving, put herself in control of the conversation when they had it. Or as much in control as she could.

“Hi, you shouldn't be calling when you're driving. I'll—”

“I'm not.”

A horn honked behind her, making Tessa jump and her heart drop.

“Wait there. I'll drive over.”

So much for taking control.

Josh rolled his truck over into the parking space next to her. “We need to talk,” he said through the open window.

“Here?” She looked to either side and behind her.

“No, later. Come with me to Harry's birthday party this afternoon. We can walk up the mountain to Crystal Flow, where we had that picnic last summer with my brothers and Becca and Hope.”

Tessa remembered. Lexi had been there, too. Josh had broken things off for good with her after the rest of them had left. “You know I have to work.”

“Myles and Kaitlyn will cover for you. I already texted them.”

Typical Josh. He had an answer for everything, too often an easy answer. But she couldn't see any easy answer to Thursday night.

“I'm not sure about Crystal Flow.” A romantic setting wouldn't change the truth. She was an alcoholic, and he had no tolerance for alcoholics. She never should have let their friendship develop as far as it had. She kept others at a distance. Why hadn't she done that with Josh? They'd just clicked in a comfortable way, and he'd slipped into her life and her heart.

Josh leaned out the window, his confident expression bringing out the best in his already handsome features.

As if I had a choice in that matter
.

“The party, then. Come to the party. I'll swing by and pick you up early. We can talk on the drive over to Gram and Harry's.”

“I'll ride with my grandmother.”

“Then you'll come.” He slapped the top of the steering wheel. “I'll get back to Myles and Kaitlyn. And wear walking shoes in case you change your mind about the mountain.”

“I'll talk to Myles and Kaitlyn,” she said, ignoring his shoe advice. “The theater is my responsibility.” And part of that responsibility was her and Josh finishing the renovations they'd started on it. She had to insist on a strictly business owner-contractor relationship between them.
Unless he can accept who I really am
and not who he wants me to be
. And she had little hope of that.