The Arrangement Anthology (31 page)

CHAPTER 4

When the door closes, Sean seems stiff. I wonder if he aches as much as I do. I wonder if it feels like his heart has been ripped out of his chest one too many times. I don’t understand him. I don’t know why he keeps running hot and cold. I have emotional whiplash and I’m too tired to deal with it.

When Sean doesn’t say anything, I move to the door and reach out for the handle. “Listen, my ride is leaving and I’m too tired for this. If you don’t—”

Sean makes an exasperated sound and drags his palms over his face. “What, you think I can just come out and say it?”

Looking over my shoulder, I answer, “Yeah. Say something or I’m gone.”

For a moment I’m nervous that Sean won’t tell me, that he’ll let me leave. I don’t want things to end like this, but he has to at least try to talk to me. I can’t take living this way anymore. I’m in love with him and it kills me that I can’t even tell if he likes me. I let out an annoyed sound and yank open the door.

Just as I’m about to walk through, Sean speaks. “I don’t like hospitals. They upset me. A lot. I ran out before they could work on me, but I did see you. I came into your room.”

Turning slowly, I look at him. Sean’s shoulders are slumped, his jaw is covered in day-old scruff, and he isn’t looking at me. My hand rests on the handle. “I don’t remember seeing you. I thought you were dead.” The last sentence is barely a whisper.

Anxiety that I didn’t have time to deal with before rears its head and I feel unstable. I want to yell, scream, and cry. I want to bang my fists into his chest and have him pull me into his arms and tell me that everything will be all right, but I can’t break down like that. I don’t have the luxury.

Sean’s lips part. He breathes for a moment, like it pains him. When his blue gaze meets mine, I know he’s lost in his past. I recognize the look in his eye. I’ve seen it in the mirror too many times to count. He runs his hand through his hair and down his neck. “You were sedated when I found you. I would have taken you with me, but your
friend
chased me off.” Sean’s eyes dart to the open door.

“Marty?”

He nods. “It’s none of my business what you do with your life, but that guy wants you.” Sean slips his hands into his pockets.

My jaw drops. I make some strangled sounds before sputtering out, “He’s gay! Marty’s gay! You are so far off base that you don’t even know what you’re talking about.” I want to laugh because it seems insane, but I don’t. Sean’s serious.

He shrugs. “It doesn’t matter. That look is still there. The way he ran me off spoke volumes.”

“You’re wrong. Marty’s as into me sexually as Mel is. There’s nothing between me and either one of them, so stop making excuses. Why’d you run?”

Sean sighs and looks up at the ceiling. After a second, he says, “Close the door. I’ll have a car take you home when you want to leave.” I don’t like the way he’s talking to me, but I let the door shut and step into the room. I fold my arms over my chest and wait.

Sean doesn’t look at me when he speaks. “Hospitals give me a great deal of anxiety.”

“That’s not an answer.”

Sean glances up at me. His eyes are cold and hard. They could cut through metal. I flinch. “Let me finish. I won’t say it twice.” I swallow hard and sit down on a chair next to the table by the door. Sean paces as he talks. There’s a slight limp when he steps. His hands remain in his pockets.

He stares straight ahead, not looking at me. “It’s not hospitals in general, it’s
that
hospital. That’s where I lost them. Being in the same place, standing in the same rooms, was too much. I’d rather leave and die on the sidewalk than stay in that place.” Each word is loaded with emotion, pulled from the depths of his soul.

I don’t know what to say. I want to make him feel better, but nothing I say will remove the memory from his mind.

And now I know what happened to the baby. He said
them
. He must have lost his wife and baby at the same time. I press my lips together tightly. No wonder why he’s emotionally repressed. Losing one person is hard enough, but losing two is an unfathomable amount of pain. My parents’ deaths were hard enough. I can’t image losing a spouse and a child.

When Sean looks up at me, I can’t hide the pity in my eyes. “Don’t look at me like that. You don’t understand what happened.”

“Then tell me.”

He laughs. It sounds so bitter and broken. I know he feels hollowed out inside. I feel the same way. His words are sharp. “If baring my soul was cathartic, I would have done it already.”

I fold my hands in my lap. “Then maybe you’re doing it wrong.”

Sean gives me a look. “Reliving the past doesn’t change the present.”

“It made you who you are. And it would sure as hell help me figure out what the hell is going on inside your head.”

He smirks. “You really don’t want to go in there.”

“How could you throw yourself in front of a truck for me, and then leave? I know you said Marty tossed you out, but Sean…” As I speak, he steps closer and closer to my chair. The look in his eyes changes from defensive to something that makes my skin tingle. My stomach tightens. Sean stops in front of me. He looks down at my hands. He takes one and threads our fingers together before lowering himself to his knees.

Sean looks at our fingers. “You don’t want to know everything. Trust me.”

“How can I, when you act like this? I don’t know why—” He rubs the back of my hand with his thumbs. His eyes are locked with mine. I want to throw myself into his arms so badly.

“This is who I am. I’m not a good catch, Avery. I’m fucked up. You know that. You know me well enough to see it. I don’t pretend to be something I’m not. No amount of talking will fix anything I’ve done. No amount of explaining will justify my choices. There’s no reason for you to be here. There’s nothing left that’s worth saving.” Sean buries his face in my lap and holds onto me like he’s drowning and I’m the only one who can save him.

Bleary-eyed, I stare straight ahead with my mouth hanging open. Words won’t come. I run my fingers through his hair, gently. I rub my hands over his shoulders and neck, wishing that I could ease some of his pain. We sit like that. It feels like half the night passes before he looks up at me.

When he finally does, Sean stands and takes my hand. He pulls me to my feet and over to the bed. We crawl under the covers and hold each other until sleep finally comes.

CHAPTER 5

I wake up the next morning with a bitching headache. I stretch and instantly regret it. I blink a few times and remember where I am. There’s an arm across my middle. I smile and look over at Sean. He’s awake, watching me.

“I’m not letting you go,” he says. There are bruises on his face, but most are under the stubble.

I smile. “Then give me a reason to stay.” I roll onto my side and Sean pulls us together. My heart pounds harder. I can feel every curve of his ripped body against me.

Sean lowers his head and presses his lips to my neck. I shiver and hold my breath. “I shouldn’t.” He kisses my neck again. His lips slip over my skin, and his tongue evokes a slew of sensations that shoot through my body.

“Sean,” I moan his name and push him away. “We can’t…”

But Sean doesn’t stay away. Instead, he comes on stronger with delicious, delicate touches that make me close my eyes and beg for more. Then, he abruptly stops. “Alright, we can stop.” He’s grinning at me. Sean’s made me all hot and bothered and then stopped.

I shove him and laugh, “You suck.”

“I tried, but you said no.” He gives me a crooked grin and sits up. He still has that rumpled shirt on with the front hanging open. Sean kicks the covers off and stands.

“How’s your leg?”

“Better. Everything is better today.” Sean turns back to the bed and says, “Pretend with me for a while?” He holds out his hand for me, but I don’t take it.

“What do you mean?”

“We can’t have a relationship because of your job and because of—well, me and my preferences—but we can pretend for a moment, for a shower, that we’re normal people. I can help you get dressed. Help you scrub off in the shower, you know, normal things that normal people do.” Sean looks hopeful. His voice is so soft and sweet.

“You want me to take a shower with you?” He nods. “Because it’s not a violation of Black’s contract and because it’s not that weird kind of sex you like?”

He pulls me to his feet. “Because we’re both dirty and need to get dressed. Stop overthinking it. If the idea of rubbing soap over my stomach appeals to you, then follow me. If you’d rather get dressed by yourself, then wait your turn. I won’t be long.” He drops my hand and walks across the room and disappears into the bathroom.

My gaze follows after him. I want to go. My fingertips are actually tingling, thinking about touching him, but it’s such a stupid idea. I shouldn’t. Irritation shoots through me.

I storm across the room and barge in, saying, “You can’t say things like that and then—” The words die in my mouth. Sean is half naked and peeling off his pants. My eyes run over his body, over the bruises and cuts that are there because of me. “You don’t play fair,” I choke out.

Sean grins. “Neither do you.” He walks over to me and slips his hands around my waist. He tugs my hips so they line up against his naked body. “Are you going to join me or watch?”

My face flames red.
Watch?
I can’t watch! What kind of person watches. Holy crap. I mill it over and realize that I’d like to watch him—no, love to watch him and his naked body in the shower. The thought jars me. I try to pull away, but he holds me tighter.

Sean grins, realizing what he did. “Ah, so you have a little bit of a voyeur thing going on?”

“No,” I gasp, way too flushed. “I do not.”

Sean looks down at my chest and then back at my face. “Mmm. Too bad. I think that’s beyond sexy.” My eyes dart anywhere and everywhere, trying to avoid his gaze. “You look a little bit guilty for someone who’s telling the truth.” The only thing he’s wearing is a sexy smirk. I can see it out of the corner of my eye as he teases me.

My heart is pounding so fast inside my chest that it’s going to explode. I glance at his shoulder, to avoid his eyes. “Guilt? This isn’t guilt.”

Sean tilts my chin up and our eyes meet. The floor of my stomach drops and I’m in a free fall. “Then what is it?”

I don’t answer. I can’t answer. I have no idea what types of sexual things I like or what I’d do. Up until now, I’ve done what Sean wanted. If I liked it, bonus, but I’ve never noticed something like this. I feel exposed and want to shy away, but Sean won’t let me. We stare at each other for too long, letting the silence build. His eyes drift to my lips, but he doesn’t move or release me.

I feel like I’m breathing too much. I feel like I’m drowning, but I don’t want to come up for air. Sean inches closer to my lips. He hesitates there for a moment, before leaning in and taking my bottom lip between his teeth. He nips me and then drops his hands to my hips. I suck in a startled breath and allow him to move me backwards.

Sean sits me down on a little bench in front of a mirror. He looks me in the eye before he does it. Neither of us speaks. Sean’s finger finds the button on my jeans. He undoes the zipper and tugs them down and pulls them off. I’m sitting in front of him in a tee shirt and panties.

Sean steps away and walks to the shower. It’s directly across from me. He turns it on. Before stepping inside, he says, “Fingers between your legs, Miss Smith. Do what comes naturally. I’ll leave the door open so you can see whatever entices you.”

It feels like someone threw a bucket of ice water on me. I dart upright in the seat, “Sean, I can’t—”

But he doesn’t listen. “Yes, you can. And I think you’ll like it, and I sure as hell know that I will.” Then, Sean winks at me and steps into the shower.

What the hell does that mean? He really wants to watch me give myself a good time while watching his naked body in the shower? I shouldn’t have thought about him and his slick skin. As soon as I do, I glance up at him and see Sean under the shower with water dripping off those toned muscles. I suck my lower lip into my mouth. I’m breathing too hard, but I can’t look away. I don’t want to look away.

Sean acts like I’m not there. He rubs his hands over his body, moving soap suds around before rinsing them away. After a moment, I realize that I’m no longer thinking. I’m watching. If there was a picture of a person under
voyeur
in Wikipedia, it’d be me, right now, with my jaw hanging open.

Holy hell, he’s so hot. The place between my thighs is tingling uncomfortably. I think about putting my hand there, but I can’t. Something holds me back.

Sean stretches and lets the water roll down his back. His arms are over his head with his hands behind his back. My eyes wander over every muscle, every perfect rise and fall of flesh. I think about feeling his skin, about running my tongue over his perfect stomach. I settle on the bench seat, leaning back against the wall, and glance at my hand. He wanted me to.

I glance back up at Sean, but he doesn’t look over at me. I’m breathing so hard. It’s like Sean teased the hell out of me, but he hasn’t even touched me. My fingers twitch on my lap as the V at the top of my thighs demands attention. I’m caught in the middle. I want to, but I don’t. My eyes remain fixed on Sean’s body and more dirty thoughts race through my mind – of touching, licking, and tasting.

Any rationality I had left vacates my mind. I’m not thinking anymore. My body is all tingles and urges. I want to cross the room, walk into the shower, and throw Sean against the wall. I want to press my bare breasts into him and feel my hard nipples slide down his chest.

I stare at the curve of Sean’s ass, unblinking. It’s so perfect. I think about having Sean on top of me, pushing in and out, while I hold onto that perfect ass and dig my nails into his skin. It pulls vivid memories forward from the times we’ve been together, of the way Sean felt so hard and sharp every time he thrust into me.

When Sean turns to face the stream of water again, my gaze soaks in his perfect erection. My breath catches in my throat. I stare at him, watching him, and can’t stand it anymore. My hand dips below the waistband of my panties, and over my warm skin. I press my fingers between my legs and into the slick folds of skin. My knees separate as I stroke myself, while watching Sean. His hands move over his body as the water pours off him in sheets. His eyes are closed as he tips his head back. Slowly, he moves his hand toward his long shaft and strokes. Sean’s lips part as he does it again and again.

I’ve stopped wondering what’s wrong with me, and act on my feelings. My hips thrust into my hand as I think about taking Sean’s hard length in my mouth and sucking. My movements become harder and faster. I want to throw my head back, but I don’t want to look away. I want to see Sean’s face when he comes.

My hips slam into my hand as I rock myself higher and higher. Sean’s body moves faster and faster. With every thrust into his hand, Sean’s butt cheeks clench and all I can think about it biting him there. I want my tongue on his body. I want his dick in my mouth, and his hands on my breasts. My body is coiled so tight. I’m so hot. The throbbing starts and I can feel myself losing control. I think I can hold it together, but then Sean moans and thrusts hard and slow into his hand. I watch him come and see the ecstasy play out on his beautiful face.

I lose it. My head tips back and my hips buck. My fingers move faster, rubbing harder, and I shatter. Waves of ecstasy unfold inside of me. I thrust my chest higher as I hold my hand tightly between my legs. Each delicious pulse that fills my body makes me feel more sated. I stay like that for a moment, enjoying the aftershocks that are still shooting through me.

My eyelids feel heavy, but I manage to open them. When I do, Sean is standing in front of me with a wicked grin on his face. The shower is still running behind him. I didn’t hear him walk over. My fingers are still inside of me with my legs spread wide open. I’m slightly horrified, but all I can do is blink.

He leans in close and whispers in my ear, “That was the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen. May I?”

I suck in air. All those wicked thoughts come rushing back. I don’t know what he wants to do, but I nod anyway. Sean pulls my hand away and raises it to his lips. He sucks each finger before lowering his hand and dipping it into my panties. I watch him as he spreads my lower lips with his fingers and strokes me. I’m so sensitive that I gasp. I throw my head back and buck my hips at his touch. His fingers slip inside of me and I moan.

Sean sits next to me on the bench. I remain leaning back with my elbows on the make-up counter behind me. I should feel silly, sitting like this with my legs spread wide and next to this beautiful, naked, man, but I don’t. I like it. I enjoy the sensations that shoot through me and refuse to think about anything else. Sean’s hand teases me until I beg for release. He torments me for another moment and then gives me what I want. I cry out, saying his name, as I throb around his fingers. I feel Sean’s eyes on my face, watching me as I climax. I feel his greedy gaze and know it’s the same one I had when I was watching him a few moments ago.

When my breathing resumes a normal pace, I open my eyes. Sean’s fingers are still inside me. He smiles and pulls his fingers out one by one, and strokes me as he pulls his hand away. The response is instant. I gasp and throw my head back. Random coils of pleasure shoot through me, pulsing softly.

My head droops back and I stare at the ceiling. Sean takes my face with one hand, holding my cheeks, and makes me look at him. His other hand appears and he moves his fingers over the seam of my lips. They’re damp, from me. My lips part and he pushes a finger in, watching me intently. I suck his finger, licking it. He does it twice more before leaning in and pressing a light kiss to my mouth.

“I should have saved some for me.” Sean is breathing hard. I feel his erection pressing into my leg.

I smile at him. “You make me so crazy. We weren’t supposed to have sex.”

“That wasn’t sex.” He presses his hard shaft against my leg and I smile. My girl parts clench and I think about him thrusting into me. My mind is so addled with lust, it’s a fog that’s growing thicker and thicker.

I manage to breathe and string some words together into a semi-coherent thought. “Since when is a hand-job not sex?”

“And you think it is because…?”

I smile awkwardly, “Because I’m supposed to charge for those.” I laugh. I can’t help it. Sean smiles and laughs with me.

“Mmm,” he says, and kisses my neck. “That’s a very reasonable answer.” One of his hands is on my thigh and dips between my legs. He strokes me again and I moan. I want more. I want him.

I’m about to let him when a random part of my brain springs to life. “Wait.” Sean’s hand stills and he looks me in the eye. “You wanted to start over, right? So, what does that mean? What are we?”

Sean blinks and pulls his hand away. He runs his fingers through his hair and looks over at me. “Friends, I guess.”

“Damn. No wonder why you’re jealous of my friends. I think you have your definitions messed up.” I touch his arm lightly.

Sean looks over at me with a wry expression on his face. “Maybe.”

“Try definitely. Unless you have sex with all your friends?” I’m worried for a moment. I wonder if he’s slept with anyone else since he was with me. What a stupid thought. Of course he has. He ordered a hooker and got me. This guy isn’t dating material…but I want him anyway.

Sean gives me a crooked smile. “Only the really hot ones.” There’s something about him that seems timid and uncertain. He swallows so hard that I can hear it. It’s as if he’s grappling with something. After a moment, Sean leans forward and rubs his hands over the back of his head. He’s looking at the floor when he says, “I don’t know how to do this.”