The Apartment: The Complete Affair (44 page)

“But that’s not—”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Eric interrupted, waving him off. “That’s not how it ended up. I know that
now
, but that’s sure as shit how it started out,” he sighed. “Believe me, I wish that bitch were still around so I could put my boot up her ass for putting you through that, but none of us would have let you go on that way if we’d had one fucking inkling of how depressed you really were. Shit, Mom would have backpacked through Europe with attack dogs if she’d known what was going on.”

Ethan stared down at the table, unable to meet his brother’s eyes. Eric was totally right. If he hadn’t allowed Rachel to feed his already overgrown ego, things never would have gotten as bad as they’d become. If he’d only forced himself to speak up when he first had his doubts, things might have turned out completely different.

“Here, eat something,” Eric said, an odd catch in his throat as he looked at Ethan closely for the first time since he’d barged in. He shoved the untouched turkey sandwich towards him across the tabletop. “You look like hammered shit.”

Ethan knew he must. There were dark rings underneath his eyes from numerous sleepless nights, and his skipped meals had caused his cheekbones to protrude. His skin had taken on a sallow hue from his lack of sunlight and fresh air, and he couldn’t remember when he last showered.

They sat together for over a minute in total silence as Ethan ate, wincing at the pain in his face every time he had to chew. When he swallowed his food, Eric could have sworn his Adam’s apple would slice right through his throat as it bobbed up and down, his neck had gotten so thin.

Clearing his throat nervously, he forced himself to speak. “Alright, fuck it. I’m just gonna ask. Are you strung out?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Cut the bullshit, Ethan!” he roared, slamming his fist down on the table and causing the fragile teacup to rattle on its saucer. “Are you fucked up right now, or not?”

“Why would you think I was fucked up?”

“Because I have eyes!” he yelled. “You look horrible! You’ve lost weight! You obviously haven’t been sleeping. I saw all those canvases in the other room. You’ve been working yourself to the bone! As soon as you disappeared I got worried that you were going to fall off the wagon. I’ve been fucking terrified for almost three goddamn months that you were going to turn up dead!” He grabbed the small rattling cup and threw it against the wall, not feeling any better when it shattered into tiny pieces. “Now, are you actually going to sit there looking like that and tell me that you’re not snorting that fucking poison again?”

“It’s been three months?” Ethan whispered.

“You
see
?” Eric bellowed. “You don’t even know what fucking day it is, do you? How about the month?”

Ethan looked down at the table in silence, trying to remember whether the cleaning staff had changed the sheets yesterday or not. He had told them that he didn’t want to be disturbed more than a few times a week, so they had set up a schedule to clean on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays only. After wading through caffeine-induced moments of clarity, he concluded that no one had been in his room for two full days.

“Is it Sunday?” he guessed.

“Jesus Christ, man. You really aren’t sure, are you?”

Ethan took a deep breath and looked up to meet his brother’s angry glare. “I’m not high, Eric.” When Eric made to stand up and began pulling his fist back, Ethan waved his hands in front of him. “Wait! Wait! Hear me out!”

“Start talking, asshole. You’ve got about thirty seconds before
both
of your eyes are swollen shut.”

“I swear I’m not high. I haven’t touched that shit in well over a year. I can’t lie and say that I’m not a little strung out, I guess, but it’s not drugs.”

“Then what the fuck is it?”

“It’s
her
,” he choked out.

“Who, Lily?”

Ethan visibly flinched at hearing her name again, as if he’d been slapped in the face. Unable to speak, he simply nodded, a deep look of anguish etched on his features.

“What the—?” Eric started, cutting himself off and breathing deeply before finishing his thought. He was determined to calm down and get some answers out of his halfwit brother if it killed him. “Why the fuck did you break her heart and take off if you were only going to hole up here and pine away for her?”

Ethan let out a loud sob, reaching forward and grabbing onto Eric’s wrist with all of his strength. “Please,” he begged in a harsh gasp, “Please tell me that I did the right thing.”

“The
right thing
? How could anything that you’ve done lately be called the ‘right thing?’” Eric clearly wasn’t trying to be hurtful with his question, it was simply honest bafflement speaking.

“Tell me that she forgot about me and married that guy. Tell me that she’s happy and moving on with her life. Tell me that I didn’t give her up for
nothing
!” His last word was strangled by another sob. Eric watched as his brother completely broke down in front of him, burying his head in his hands and finally allowing the dam that held back the last of his emotions to shatter.

“Dude, I don’t understand anything you’re saying. I thought you were into her. You were just talking about wanting her to end her engagement and then the second she says she will, you bail. I’m sorry, but that makes no fucking sense whatsoever.”

“I got
scared
!” he yelled into his hands before looking up at him. “I was convinced that there was no way she could be feeling what I was feeling. I was terrified that she would give everything up to be with me and then realize that I’m not fucking worth it!” Ethan wiped blindly at his eyes with the back of his hands, yelping when he rubbed his bruising flesh too roughly. Taking another deep breath to calm himself, he waited a moment before continuing. “I didn’t want her to ruin her life to be with me. I’ve been a selfish fuck my whole life, Eric. This was the first time I’ve ever tried to put someone else first. I knew she would eventually be miserable with me, so I took myself out of the equation.”

“So you’ve been here this whole time, wanting and missing her and wishing you’d never left, but trying to sacrifice your happiness for hers? Am I hearing this right?”

“Yeah,” he sniffled.

“Then why did you ignore all of us? You could have told us that a long time ago and spared us the worry that you were going to turn up dead any day!”

“I’m sorry! It’s just that, after the dinner party, I saw how much you all loved her. Here was this sweet, young, lovable girl who only ever wanted to help people, and I was corrupting the shit out of her. I had her ready to throw away everything she knew for me and I fucking loved it!” he admitted. “I was so consumed by her. She was all I wanted. And when she told me that she was going to end her engagement, I had this flash of all of your faces being really pissed at me and being ashamed of me for letting you down again. And you know what scared me the most?”

“What?”

“I didn’t even fucking care! I heard her say those words and even though I knew how disappointed everyone would be in me, all I wanted was to pick her up and throw her over my shoulder and disappear into the sunset and forget about everyone else.”

“So, what stopped you?”

“Don’t you see? I was doing it all over again. I was being the selfish prick who never thought about anybody else but himself. I stayed in town after Dad’s party to try and find a way back into the family. I missed everyone so much, but it was all so different after being gone for so many years. I felt so much shame about what I had let my life become, and there I was getting ready to do it all over again! I just couldn’t face you guys after that. I just couldn’t.”

“Ethan, when are you going to get over this crazy delusion that Mom and Dad are going to disown you or something? I’ve done a lot of stupid shit in my life and they have always been there for me. So, you dated a total bitch and got hooked on booger sugar, so what? You’re still their son, and they will always love you. The same goes for me and Emma.” He thought for a moment and chuckled to himself. “Shit, I’d really like to keep beating the crap out of you for this, but it doesn’t make me love you any less.”

Ethan couldn’t hold back a smile at that, no matter how much his face ached. It was short-lived, however; the moment his thoughts returned to Lily, he began to choke up again. “I don’t know how to fucking exist without her, man. I know it sounds stupid. I hardly knew her. We spent less than a month together!”

“But you don’t feel right when you’re alone in your bed at night, do you?” he asked knowingly.

“No! I can’t even sleep! She’s everywhere. She’s haunting me.”

“You think about her all day, and if you manage to fall asleep, she’s in your dreams too.”

“Yes! Why can’t I shake it? Why can’t I let her go? I keep telling myself that with enough distance and time, I will finally be able to focus again, but it’s only getting worse! Fuck, detox didn’t hurt this bad.”

“That’s
love
, bro,” Eric answered simply. “I tried to tell you that. You finally got bitten by the Foster bug. I don’t know what it is about us, but we don’t love lightly—or gently. Look at me and Maggie. There are times I think I could strangle her with my bare hands, she gets under my skin so bad, but I couldn’t fucking function without her in my life. She’s like my oxygen. She’s really my other half, and whenever I have to leave her for work, I feel like I’ve been ripped in two.”

“That’s how I feel, and it scares the shit out of me! There’s no way she could have felt anything like that for me, even if she was having a good time. That’s why I’ve been hoping she got married, and at least something good came from my leaving.”

“Ethan, pull your head out of your ass!” Eric yelled, his frustration reaching a breaking point.

“Huh?”

“That is not what you want, and you know it! You just want to be able to not feel guilty for leaving her that way. And like it or not, you can’t just decide what other people should and shouldn’t feel. Who the fuck do you think you are to belittle her feelings and assume that she isn’t capable of that kind of love?”

“Wait, no. It’s not that I don’t think she’s capable. It’s just that…”

“What?” Eric growled, clearly growing tired of his excuses.

“Well, why the hell would she feel it for
me
?” he asked, his voice dripping with insecurity. “I’m not worth it. I didn’t bring anything to the table but my dick, and that is not enough to base a relationship on.”

“Do you honestly think you’re the first couple who hooked up before they worked out the finer details? Shit, Maggie sucked me off at some frat party before I even learned her name. We were just drawn to each other. It was insane. And I don’t think Emma and Brandon spoke more than ten words to each other the whole first year they were dating—they were too busy fucking like rabbits.”

“But this is diff—”

“Ethan, she still called off the wedding,” Eric cut in, allowing his words to hang in the air as his confused brother attempted to decipher them.

“But—but she,” Ethan stammered.

“And she moved out of her father’s house.” Eric looked like he was starting to enjoy making Ethan squirm.

“She moved? Where? Did she leave town?” Ethan was breathing rapidly, only seconds away from a total meltdown.

“Oh, you don’t like not knowing where someone you care about is living?” he replied with an evil grin. “Does the possibility of her disappearing off the face of the earth and never hearing from her again bother you?”

“God dammit! Where the fuck is she?!” Ethan snarled, reaching forward and grabbing Eric by the shirt with clenched fists.

“Not so nice, is it?” Eric calmly replied, unflinching in the face of so much rage. He watched as realization slowly dawned on Ethan, his face morphing from one of fury to one of anguish. He could actually see the moment when it all sank in, and Ethan finally knew what he had done to his family and the woman he loved.

Releasing Eric’s shirt gently and sitting back in his chair, he ran his hands over his face and up into his hair, fisting dirty handfuls with a loud groan. “I’ve really lost her, haven’t I?” he choked out.

“I don’t know, man,” Eric answered honestly. “She was really hurting for a long fucking time. For as much as she’s changed, there’s still a sadness in her eyes. I don’t know if she would take you back now or not, but if there’s a chance that your sorry ass is the only thing that will make her happy then it’s my job to drag you back there.”

Ethan’s eyes lit up. “So she’s still in Aledo?”

“Yes, asshole, she’s still in Aledo,” he sighed.

Ethan’s face fell as another possibility dawned on him. “But what if she won’t see me? What if she refuses to take me back?”

“Then that’s her choice to make, but at least you gave her the choice. It’s a hell of a lot better than making all of her decisions for her and running off with your tail between your legs. Besides, even if she makes you jump through hoops, I really can’t see her blowing you off completely. She’s fucking shacked up in that piece of shit apartment just to be close to you.”

“She’s living there?” he gasped, a whole new feeling of hope sweeping through him.

“Yeah. I think it’s fucked up, personally, but she just tells me to butt out, so I do.”

“Then what the fuck are we waiting for?” Ethan snapped, jumping up and running into the bedroom. He stopped short in the entrance when he noticed that all of his bags had already been packed and were sitting in the middle of the freshly made bed.

“Our flight’s in three hours,” Eric said behind him, clapping his large hand down on his shoulder. “I didn’t know what you wanted done with the canvases, so I’m sure you’ll need to make some calls.”

As Ethan nodded eagerly and made to reach for his phone, Eric squeezed harder on his shoulder and yanked him back to his side. “Not so fast, stinky. Do us all a favor and get your skinny ass in the shower. I’m not taking you anywhere looking like that.”

* * *

An hour later, Ethan was cleaner than he’d been in days. His scruffy three-day beard had been shaved off, but it only served to highlight his newly bruised skin. He’d arranged for his paintings to be shipped and was bouncing around excitedly as they grabbed his bags and left the hotel.